Controlling Bio-Mom is upset because I had a girls day with my step daughter.
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Controlling Bio-Mom is upset because I had a "girl's day" with my step daughter. Threatens it will never happen again. Next time DH has to do something ~ she said will take SD. It was me spending time with my step daughter! Not me baby sitting her! She could of gone with my DH. She wanted to hangout with me. Bio-Mom is such a control FREAK! Maybe she should of worried about another woman spending time with her daughter when she decided she wanted to be with my husband's Best Friend!
It was about less than 4
It was about less than 4 hours. Bio-Mom doesn't want me taking them to the Grocery Store without husband let alone doing something fun. If it was up to her she would have him take the kiddos out of town on his weekends without me. She is threatened by another woman in their lives.
We did nothing that would
We did nothing that would take away any 1st ~ we went to a store got her a coloring book and then a grocery store and got subs and had a picnic at a park. I was never more than 3 miles from home. It was a typical thing we would do if DH was with us. No buying clothes, No hair cuts, no piercings, no movies. We had a nice normal day out.
Some mothers are so insecure
Some mothers are so insecure that yes, even that very simple enjoyable few hours of pretty much normal life threatens them.
She should be glad you have a decent relationship with the SD. Oh, the horrors :O , you took the kid to get groceries, bought a color book and had a pleasant lunch. You rotten overstepping woman you.
If there's not a genuine reason, such as you have a string of DUIs , abuse the kid or spend the day telling SD what a worthless and goofball person her mother is, a day such as you had is fine.
Exactly! I do not use drugs
Exactly! I do not use drugs or alcohol. I have a good job and a 2016 car. I have never been arrested or done anything bad. I have not even had a speeding ticket in 20 years! I think she would rather me be a crack head because she would had a valid reason other than all she has now is. Her excuse is ALWAYS ~ "I DON'T KNOW HER." I even offered when we started dating to meet for coffee. She refused saying she didn't want anything to do with me. Even years later ~ She still ignores me. Never says anything to me. I say hello and I get ignored. Whatever... I can act like an adult. I still say Hi to her. The kids she that she acts like a child. If it was me I would want to know who my children spend time with and live a percentage with! She can't handle it so she pretends like I don't exist. WHICH IS A BLESSING I SUPPOSE....
Should I of sat in the house
Should I of sat in the house with SD since that is what Bio-Mom wants? She was even notified by DH ~ that he was not with us. But, she didn't know we left the house. I would of told her BUT she wants No contact with me and has me blocked because she doesn't want to communicate with me. Which is fine. I don't think she should have that power over me. I'm not a stranger to the children or to my husband! She should not be able to control me or him or our time with the kids.
Where was your DH?
Where was your DH?
I think you should ignore
I think you should ignore her. Your not doing anything out of line. What happens on your DH's time is non of BM's business as long as the child is being appropriately taken care of. If she doesn't like it, tell her to take it back to court and have the judge say SM can NEVER spend time with child. Not going to happen.
Your DH's mistake was taking
Your DH's mistake was taking "the high road" with the jealous, insecure BM who actually wants you to be six feet under. How DARE the "father of her children" (TM) move on!!! Only SHE as GUBM is allowed to move on doncha know!
Chef used to constantly keep the Girhippo apprised of every move we made; BIG MISTAKE. Of COURSE it was not reciprocated as the PASinator GUBM thinks that visitation is a privilege to be EARNED by kissing up to her. Children are mere appendages of the mother, doncha know.
He learned pretty quickly (not as quickly as I would have preferred) that everything said to a GUBM WILL be used against you.
Coming up next: Skid is used as a spy for the BM and pumped for info every time skid goes back to the mothership. . .OR ELSE. . .in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
I never understand this kind
I never understand this kind of horseshit.
My kids did things with their SM when they were at their house, what the hell did I care??
The ONLY time I threw a fit was when the Things were in 1st grade and Money-Ka took it upon herself to give them haircuts. She shaved their heads, and did a super shitty job, right before school pictures. I was not mad that she cut their hair, I never got pissy about that stuff (I was always happy that I didn't have to do it -lol) but I WAS pissed that she did a shitty job.
Seriously, they looked like they had come from a concentration camp. Oh, those were the worst school pictures ever!!!
Tell her to buzz off. The
Tell her to buzz off.
The childs DAD gave you permission on his time for you to have a picnic ect.
SHE can not control dads time any more than dad can control HER visitation and whom the child spends time with.
I know it is upsetting you and maybe you might be scared she will march back into court. LET her get zero outings with step mother in the court order following a modification hearing if she wants to.
**be careful you could be the next victim of false accusations by a mentally unhealthy bm. **
IF nothing else, I might stop one on one time outside the home.
But then again if everything was in public IF IF IF she accused you, there would be videos to support your innocence.
sorry your dealing with this......better hang on tight OP---this is just the beginning.
who cares? It's dad's time
who cares? It's dad's time and dad decides what happens in his house.
Do you think the BM tells the dad every time the kid isn't with her? Doubt it.
I wasn't attacking you I
I wasn't attacking you
I agree that DH shouldn't have blabbed about it, seems like that's just looking for trouble. I am guessing that he knows how controlling/insecure the BM is, so why bother striking that snake, right??
If he didn't tell her ~ there
If he didn't tell her ~ there would be even more trouble.
She calls and texts to check on the kids every ALL THE TIME. It's more like harassment if you ask me.
His house, his business. If
His house, his business. If she is calling and texing him, he shouldn't respond. If she's calling and texting the skids, shut that shit down.
No need for 24/7 access when it's dad's time. Mom can call at night.
Your DH needs to set some serious boundaries and stick to them.
ding ding ding!!!
ding ding ding!!!
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much power.
The poor little girl is
The poor little girl is probably drilled as soon as Mom gets her back. What did you do? Who was there? Did SM speak to you?
Poor kiddo, lead to believe a sandwich in the park and a small treat is somehow a bad thing.
Mom best remember that is BM goes for ROFR over a matter of an couple hours here or there, that Dad can request the same. Maybe Dad wants to start drawing up a list of approved and unapproved persons his daughter can be with at BM's.
This is horrible advice for
This is horrible advice for this situation.
You are doing well! Ignore
You are doing well! Ignore her! Don't respond to any of her whines. Just spend as much time as you and your SD wish, with DH's knowledge of course. Whatever you do, don't put this child in the middle; that will backfire on you for sure.
I am assuming that SD told BM how much fun she had. Just let it go and continue to be a friend to your SD. Let BM and DH figure it out; I'm guessing that if you don't respond to this, your DH will also ignore it.
Men don't like conflict and usually just ignore. I would shut the door on thinking about what BM thinks as long as you are spending "normal time" with your SD. Just don't give BM any excuse to stop the visitation, she is keeping track, I'm sure.
I disagree with your premise.
I disagree with your premise. Parenting time is for the parent to spend time with the child in the context of his/her family structure.
You wouldn't say this if grandma took the kid out for the day or if an Aunt or cousin took the kid to see a movie.
If dad was fine with it, that's all that matters.
A child can be parented by the parent's spouse, too, you know.
This whole "dad MUST be there at all times" is just such a load of crap.
Every other weekend and 4
Every other weekend and 4 week days a month they are with us.
Yes, they are in school. 4
Yes, they are in school. 4 week days a month. He was helping his mother with something. SD had the choice to go with him and decided she would like to spend time with me.
because maybe had had to fix
because maybe had had to fix the car, or have a quick meeting and SM said she was going to the store and kid wanted to go along??
Dad's real life does include his children, and it also includes his life.
The world does not stop revolving because a skid shows up.
That kind of thinking is how entitled ASSholes are created, heaven.
DING DING DING! this is so
DING DING DING! this is so true and i agree completely. everyone else but the SM is acceptable for the kid to hang out with?! and the SD obviously enjoys the OP's company or she wouldn't have asked to be with her instead of her father and grandmother.
DING DING DING DING!!!
DING DING DING DING!!!
My skids see us as a family
My skids see us as a family unit. There have been times DH will have "one on one" time with one of them and I will go do something with the other. This also has occurred when they are with BM and her boyfriend. Sometimes the two of them (SD and SS) are just plain tired of being together so often and need a break.
Heavenlike, I understand that the parent should spend as much time as possible with the child when they are non-custodial and only have limited visitation, but the occasional (or even semi regular) one on one with a stepparent, I would argue, can be a good thing for the child's self esteem and sense of belonging within their family unit(s).
Just read some of the threads right here on Steptalk about adults who grew up with step parents, it is clear that those who felt fondly of their step parents usually had a more personal relationship with them. At least I would imagine those relationships did not develop with the step parent idly sitting on the sideline because their stepchild "already has 2 parents."
<3
<3
100% true. I took my skids
100% true.
I took my skids places by myself at times when DH was busy doing something on "his time". Unless the kids are in danger, I don't think the BM gets to dictate who the children spend time with on her EX's time. What if he and SM wanted to go on a date night and hired a babysitter.. it's not different at all.
DH had to help his mother out
DH had to help his mother out for a few hours. DH told his Ex I would be with SD (It was her choice to stay with me) We left the house! WHO CARES?! I'm a responsible adult. My husband trusts me. BIO-MOM doesn't know me She should not be able to micromanage my life! I want and think I should have a relationship with my Step Children. I'm not trying to replace Mom. But no reason why I can't be another person to love them. I'm not going to disengage for no reason other than BIO- MOM would want that. I'm not just going to live my life hiding from my step children or ignoring them. That's just not me.
Step daughter told BioMom after she DRILLED her for the information about our time.
There would be no reason to stop visitation. Trust me... if there was ~ she would of tried it long ago.
The kids go ALL THE TIME and spend time with HER family. She doesn't ever want my DH family to have time with the children. She is VERY One sided and a hypocrite about everything. She doesn't want DH to do things ~ but She is allowed to do that very same thing. She's all about control!
DH is out of town. He left
DH is out of town. He left last night. He won't be home until Wednesday night. BabyVoice and KarateKid are obviously home with me.
Should my DH send the skids somewhere because he isn't here? should he change his whole life around?
No, that's a ridiculous position to take.
so the father in this
so the father in this situation should have forced the SD to go with him? for what purpose...just so BM wouldn't get pissy? that's dumb.
it is not the father's job to make sure BMs feelings don't get hurt. SD wanted to spend some time with her SM, father didn't see an issue with it (hint: because there isn't one).
Maybe Grandma has her son
Maybe Grandma has her son replumbing the bathroom, or installing new counters and flooring in the kitchen. Maybe they are out in the back pruning bushes and clearing off the flower gardens. Maybe they're sitting at the dining table sorting out Grandma's taxes.
Whatever the grandparent/Dad's plans for those few hours, the kid didn't WANT to go along. Kid wanted to either stay home or tag along to grocery store.
It's not like Grandma invited the family over for evening meal or asked the kid to come have fun with her baking cookies. The woman was busy doing something that required her son's assistance.
Taking your kid to Grandma's is a "normal" thing when she has nothing else going on and her focus will be enjoying her visit with the kids.
So true. It has jack shit to
So true. It has jack shit to do with BM wanting to optimize Dad's time. The BM in my life used to flip out when I would spend one on one time, citing they should be "spending time with dad." This is the same woman who kept them from him for almost 5 months when they first split up out of spite. I guess she didn't care about optimizing parenting time then. It is all about jealousy and control for these hags, period.
Right??? But then she would
Right??? But then she would lose her, I mean the, child support. Can;t have that now, can we??
Gasp! I'm clutching my pearls
Gasp! I'm clutching my pearls at the thought of that.
~fans robin before she
~fans robin before she swoons~
This BM already tried to get
This BM already tried to get ROFR for two hours. Judge said no. The Dad finally agreed to four hours. Not good enough for this BM. Nope. This BM doesn't like the four hours, She would not even like the two hours if she had managed that farce.
Why can SM not take the skids to the store or drive them to school? Well, because BM has told Dad it is because BM is afraid the kids will think SM is their mother. Yes, you read that right. BM believes her children will mistake SM for their mother if SM drives them to school or takes them along grocery shopping. None of this bull about Dad not spending enough time with his kids. No. It's all because BM is insecure that her children will forget who Mommy is. Straight out of BM's mouth.
first rights of
first rights of refusal.
example: Dad is going to be gone for 24 hours for a work meeting in next town over on his Saturday. If CO has a ROFR clause, he is to first offer this parenting time to Mom. If BM can't or doesn't want to have them, then he is free to leave kids with SM, babysitter, grandparent ect.
It's very true and so sad for
It's very true and so sad for the kids involved that are made to feel guilty by Bio-Mom.:(
I wouldn't give it another
I wouldn't give it another thought.
Sure, SD could have gone with her dad and visited her grandmother but she chose not to and your DH was okay with that. None of BM's business.
THIS!!!! In other news, you
THIS!!!!
In other news, you can sure tell whom amongst us has dealt with this, can't you????
We actually dropped the Step
We actually dropped the Step Kids off to Bio-Moms Husband. She was out running an errand and asked if we could drop them off with him. DH had no problem with it. I had no problem with it. But once she found out I left the house with Step Daughter and we had fun ~ it's WW3! Double standard lady! The step kids do things with Her new husband without her. She does ALWAYS ask my DH. She asks him ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING when it comes to them. She acts very much like they are married and she can't function as a parent without my DH advice. It's like she can't think for herself and make her own judgement call! "So, you think they can watch this movie it's rated G but I wanted your opinion?" "Is it ok if SS eats a cookie?" "Do you think SS will like this blue shirt or the green one better?"
"Is it ok if SS goes to Grandmas for the night?" DH doesn't get play by play of what they are doing or if they go to the grocery store or out to eat ~ while he is with Bio-Mom's mothers house. IT'S STUPID! But, she wants to know our every move. She has told DH that she doesn't want me to take them to the store because Step kids will think I am their mother! UNREAL! She will not allow me to pick them up or drop them off to her or to school. She has all these crazy rules. It makes things difficult to function at times. My husband does not have a support system like she is able to have. He sister In law takes the kids to school. I'm not allowed to. We have to involve Bio-Mom if he has to get to work early. Instead of me just taking the step kids to school like a normal family would do. Just because she doesn't want me to drop them off at school... but it's fine for sister in law or her best friend to drive them to school. Double standard with everything.
I guess you haven't gotten
I guess you haven't gotten the memo - rules only apply to NCP and never to BMs.
In light of her obvious hypocrisy, I reaffirm my "you guys do you and tell her to go jump in the lake" position.
I am reminded of the days when Medusa used to obsess about what I was or wasn't doing with the skids. She actually texted DH the following gem "she shld sit on the couch and kep her mouth shut just like lurch duz."
i've had similar texts sent
i've had similar texts sent about me, even better was that the BM in this situation was an ex-SM. thankfully now that she is re-married she has cooled off.
i think kids make people do crazy things.
yay! another medusaism! "she
yay! another medusaism! "she shld sit on the couch and kep her mouth shut just like lurch duz." that's so profound!!!
thanks for sharing that lovely pearl of wisdom. such a source of amusement!
YUP!!!! He needs to get rid
YUP!!!!
He needs to get rid of that fear of pissing her off....his behaviour is dictated by the parenting plan and nothing more...if it's not in there, he is not obligated.
I so wish he could just
I so wish he could just ignore her.
He is so scared of what will happen if we don't follow her rules. Or that she will not allow him to see them. Or make life more difficult. I said the court will not allow that just because that is what she "Wants".
I'm so worried what kind of damage control we will have to deal with my SD when we see her again. She is in the middle of all this crap and it's not right!
This is when you and your DH
This is when you and your DH become familiar with your state laws and his rights (and the CO) and he stands up to her. Her rules are not family law.
Can BMs make life more difficult? Yes, but legally she cannot withhold the kids. The law CAN work in the father's favor.
The best tool your DH has, is to know.his.rights. BM does not have the power she thinks she does.
this could be a red flag
this could be a red flag issue here -
remember, your DH is allowing this to happen.
Educate yourselves on the laws in your state. Set up a consultation with an attorney and learn what your DH's rights are.
"Because BM says so" is NOT a legal argument
Seriously ridiculous and
Seriously ridiculous and unless any of that crazy shit is in the CO, I would be ignoring her.
I am pretty sure that the kids know who their mother is. What a lunatic.
If she cannot make the parental decision to give her kid a cookie or not, perhaps she shouldn't have custody.
BM is upset cause you looked
BM is upset cause you looked after SD, while DH was at work... hahahahahaha so what, this should not even bother you Hon,
Dh should grow a back bone and tell BM - what happens in my house is my business it has nothing to do with you!!
Legally there's nothing BM can do, if she refuses to hand over SD she's in contempt and DH can report her...
just ignore the control freak and enjoy your days
She told DH if it happens
She told DH if it happens again she will come get the children from me.
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT CRAZY LADY!
You will just look stupid to the cops and it will show how nuts you are for a Court. Go ahead! Make my day!
He needs to stop giving her
He needs to stop giving her the information.
The Bio Mom DRILLS them when
The Bio Mom DRILLS them when they go back to her house.
SD was scared to talk to her father after school yesterday because "she got him in trouble" by telling BioMom. UGH
These kids need therapy so bad but BIO-MOM refuses!
Would she rather you lock the
Would she rather you lock the girl in the closet and starve her for the day? Tell BM "Hey Train wreck... this isn't your station." If the child isn't in danger or being abused then its really none of her concern what you or DH do with the kid on his time.
I think for the most part ~
I think for the most part ~ She is so afraid I will tell the children that she broke up their marriage by cheating on my DH with his best friend. Or that I will tell them any of the dirt I know about her. But, I would never do that. I don't talk about her to them. If they bring her up I change the subject. I would never want to hurt the kids and I know that would.
I know she will try to
I know she will try to contact DH every 30 mins next weekend ~ when we have the Kiddos ~ just to make sure ~ They aren't alone with me.
Move all this woman's
Move all this woman's communications to Our Family Wizard or similar app. Then you can check it once a day and respond at your leisure.
She should not be allowed to be so disruptive to your home. He should really stop taking those damn calls/texts. Block her and put her on Our Family Wizard.
I so wish he would! She told
I so wish he would! She told him she wouldn't use it at all. so there would be no communication... MY DREAM COME TRUE! But... He will not do it.
My SD is 27, I met her just
My SD is 27, I met her just after she'd turned 18.
We get mani pedis, we go for lunch, we shop. BM can never ever know this because SD would be accused of not loving her anymore.
I'm lucky that SD was an adult and understands that her mom is insecure. im not sure she sees it as a fault, just an idiocizricy of her moms personality.
We were at the mall once and ran into an aquaintance of BMs. SD acted odd but I wasn't sure why. She introduced me and we went on our way. I asked if SD was okay? She said she was fine.
About a week later DH got a text saying that I was overstepping my bounds. That I should stop pushing so hard. That I was Not Her kids stepmother, that I'd had no part in raising Her children and better stop calling myself their stepmother! I never said a thing about being SDs stepmom, I just said Hi to the woman.
We ignored her and the text.
DH called SD and asked if she was okay. They talked about why BM was so insecure and he made sure that SD knew I'd done nothing wrong. SD was mostly embarrassed by the whole thing. We still go out and she calls me her stepmom.
And in a totally bitch move I posted a picture on FB of all the kids together and said how proud I was of all My kids. That I love being a Mom and a Stepmom.
Yes, I know it wasn't nice and I was poking the bear but damn it felt good!
That is so sad they use guilt
That is so sad they use guilt with these kids. At least your SD is old enough to know not to tell Bio Mom everything when she is DRILLED about you. Bio Mom keeps bringing it up and asking her more questions about what we did.
It just is so terrible for these Step kids that have crazy jealous & Insecure Bio-Moms!
My exH was drilled by his mom
My exH was drilled by his mom whenever they got home from Dads.
She wasn't so much worried that they'd do something fun, she wanted to know what was being said about her.
His Stepmom made a rule that BMs name couldn't be spoken at all in the house. They said that way she won't be upset and you won't have to go through that. It sort of worked, BM thought the kids were lying to her and so for a time it got worse.
Then my ex, who was the oldest started telling BM that they only watched TV, played ball in the yard and ate mac and cheese. Nothing else, no changes ever. The youngest kids just agreed with him. BM called his Dad and yelled at him for only feeding the kids mac and cheese.
Yes, I'm lucky my SD is older. She very much loves her mom and so I think her not telling BM anything is more SD protecting BM, than her protecting me. She hates to see her mom upset but she also enjoys time with me, the easy fix is to just not tell BM. Then everyone is happy.
DH had a talk with the kids
DH had a talk with the kids in my presence ~ and said Step Mom is allowed to and it is perfectly fine for me to take them and do things with them without him if he says it is ok. And they said Well that's not what mom says. She says she needs to be notified if he does. He told the kids they do not need to worry about anything this is all between him and their mom.
UGH, I hate that the kids are being pulled in two directions. But, we need to be able to go about our lives without catering to Bio Moms demands and micro management. She knew step daughter was with me. She wasn't mad about it until she found out we did fun things and left the house. I will not be told what to do by this woman. She can kiss my butt!
My Sks BM is the same..
My Sks BM is the same.. doesn't care when I have to watch them cause she doesn't want to give up her social life.. but flips when she hears we did something cool. She will be all snide and says "SS told me what you did.. he tells everything.." Im like "Ok? It wasn't a secret that he was supposed to keep ya nut job."
Just let it roll off your shoulders. It speaks volumes about her own guilt of the kind of parent she is that she even cares about something like this. Just keep doing you.. no point in getting into a pissing contest with her over whose the more fun parent... Actions speak louder.