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What to do with BM pictures

Superstepper's picture

That are stored in a huge box in our attic. It's pictures of early life with DH, pictures of the skids all thru early childhood years. DH says they are for the skids for when they're older but I don't want them in my house. Says giving them to BM not a good idea because she constantly moves a lot and is sure she cannot keep up with them. I've already tossed the wedding album.
I want no trace of this woman in my home. The skid is enough of a reminder!
I'd like to ask SIL or MIL to store them but they'd enjoy knowing it bothers me.
To me, pictures she is need to be given to her.

notasm3's picture

Have your DH pay someone to scan them - not really all that expensive. Have them stored on the cloud (lots of places to do this). And toss the hard copies. Much safer. No risk of the pictures being destroyed by fire, heat, rain, (or an pissed off SM }:) ). Every child can have access - no fighting over who gets the pictures.

ESMOD's picture

This is good advice. Put them in a box taped shut and write on it "For Stepkid on their 18th birthday"..

It's not like they are displaying these on your living room wall. Shoot, if one of my stepkids had a picture of them with their BM in their room.. I don't think that's the end of the world either.

Pictures posted in a public place would be a problem, but I'm not going to be so petty as to not let a box of memorabilia sit stored in my attic for my husband's children.

KittyKatMomma's picture

Scan them and save them to CD's
Give the CD's to DH to put in a safety deposit box.
Not that big of a deal

notarelative's picture

I'm probably not the person to reply. SDs, 20 and 21, moved back with DH when their mom died. They brought back all sorts of stuff when they did. Then they moved out and left it.

Then we met, married, and he moved to my house as I still had a child at home. When he sold his house I helped him clean. I packed up and donated the ex's clothing that they had moved back for some unknown reason. In among the stuff was a really nice cedar chest that the ex's father, the SDs' grandfather, had made. SDs said they didn't have room for it. I'm a sucker for family heirlooms so, hoping one of the girls will appreciate it one day, we moved it to the cellar storage portion of my house. A couple of years later, after my child left, we bought a house together. We moved the chest with us. In the chest were 29 years of family pictures, the girls' communion dresses, and the ex's wedding gown. It's in my cellar.

And no I didn't deliberately move her dress into my house. It was at the bottom of the chest and covered with items DH wanted to save for the girls. I'm not sure he even realized it was there either.

Last year DH decided that he'd do something with the pictures. He bought some picture storage boxes for each girl and sorted the pictures into what he considered fair equitable parts and put them in boxes marked with the girls' names. One daughter has taken hers. The other has them sitting waiting for her.

Don't let the pictures have power over you. They are just pictures of the past (and the past cannot be changed. she is their mother. he is their father). If your husband could do what my husband did, it might make it seem more like the kids' possessions and not BM's.
As they marry you could make the pictures your wedding present. (A gift for the cost of the wrapping paper.)

Baby pictures once destroyed cannot be replaced.

BethAnne's picture

Are there any reliable grandparents or aunts or uncles of the stepkids that could take them? Or maybe you could get your husband to pay for them to be digitalized and then stored remotely somewhere (probably not the best option, but an idea I came up with).

ETA: I read the other responses and apparently I am not the only one to suggest digitalizing them!

Thumper's picture

Please, please get them back into the hands of her or her parents, adult family members.

They may be in your attic---ugh,,but they belong to that family. OK?

Box them up get an address and send them 2nd class if need be. RETURN receipt and proof of signature.

Just in case your accused of burning them or never giving them to the family.

We have been accused of many many things that were untruths. I Speak from my own experience here.

twoviewpoints's picture

I agree with you. It's a shame if the wedding album was trash canned too.

The photos are in a box in the attic. The photos are not coming on down and bothering anyone. Not much different than if there was a small box of baby mementos up there being save for the kids for when the time comes to pass it on. No biggie.

Really, how many people crawl up into the attic or whatever the entrance is and sort/rummage through old boxes of misc.? It's comes down to basically being just the fact they exist that bothers some people.

If OP's mate DH/SO wants to save them sitting quietly and harmlessly in a box tucked clear up in the attic for his children, what's the big deal? Now had it been said DH/SO goes up there all the time and looks at them, mourning days gone by? Yeah, bigger issue.

I also don't really suggest giving them to the kid at eighteen "when kid moves out". Few people at 18 have a solid permanent home to safely store such mementos. Whether it's a college dorm, a shared apartment with little storage and three other roommates, or off to bootcamp and the military. The young adult really doesn't have a stable place where he/she can settle into and really call 'home'.

The MIL idea might work. If MIL is willing an explanation that they belong to the skids and you just want to be sure whatever happens that the skids have a safe place under ready. So who cares if MIL thinks it's really because the photos bother the OP. The photos do. *shrugs* Let Dad get one of those small waterproof/fireproof boxes, take it to MIL himself and "it's for the skid, Mom, could you just hang on to them". If MIL asks nosy questions, all Dad has to say is he was cleaning out the attic.

Maxwell09's picture

One of the perks of BM and DH having SS so young and splitting so soon after his birth is that I don't have to deal with any of this. No hidden wedding gowns in my attic, no shrines or collages of BM and DH together in my cellar...I'd like to think I would give this stuff to BM if I found it but honestly it would depend on the day. Some days BM really pushes my buttons and some days she a non-existent.

notsobad's picture

I don't understand why they bother you so much. They are pictures packed away in a box, it's not like they are hanging on the wall and you have to see them everyday!

You are letting the idea of them upset you.

Imagine that they were pictures of your parents. How would you feel if someone tossed them out simply because they didn't like that your father was at one time married to your mother.
This isn't about you and how you feel about BM or the skids. Your husband is right, they are for the kids. Let it go!

still learning's picture

There is a pile of old family photos w/bm in the bottom of DH's closet that has other junk and dust on it and then there is a box of photos in our storage room. If anything happened to DH I would drop them off with ss26. For now they don't bug me, he has photos of his sons when they were younger on his desk and one pic of sgs8 on the fridge. He's really not a pic person except for keeping them in some dark dusty box.

I have plenty of photos of exH in the kids baby albums but they are on a shelf and not open for display. They will want pics of their father one day.

I would just box them up and send them to BM. I'd pen a note like, "Thought you might want these" and leave it at that. He'll likely never even notice they're gone and by the time he does tell him that BM wanted to have them and you felt it was right for her to have her photos.

Acratopotes's picture

never bothered me, SO has a couple off boxes of photo's stashed in the garage... I simply moved it under the geyser,
thus if there's a water leak ,,, }:)

Oh I did go through them.... and I did take a couple of her photo's shoot photo's, big enough to duck tape to my punching bag, and well one is pinned on the dart board..... benefits of living in my own house Blum 3

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

Any photos that have BM in them should go back to her. Playing devil's advocate here, I'd be really upset to lose photos of myself with my kids when they were little. Giving them to her is the right thing to do.

CLove's picture

That's what I did Ghost - I put together a large pile in a bag and delivered them by hand to BM. I figured that was part of the skids legacy, who am I to trash it? Now if I find something with BM pics in it, I cut her out so I have something to burn.

WalkOnBy's picture

THIS -

When Asshat moved out, he took some of the kids' photos and little works of art they made in preschool/kindergarten. I kept the rest, including our wedding photos. I stored the wedding crap in a box up in my attic.

When DH and I married, I gave the box with the wedding crap to my DDthen19. She has them now.

When DH moved out, he had to get a court order from the judge to be able to get his mementos. Of course, Medusa said that she had a flood in her basement two days before DH was supposed to go get them. He lost everything - photos, school mementos, yearbooks, his trumpet, everything...

Don't trash the stuff - hang on to it until the first kid is out of the house and then hand it over...

notsobad's picture

An asshat uncle of mine was told by the judge to give my aunt (his ex) her mothers China. It had been her grandmothers China.

He packed it in a box, no tissue paper or anything and then dropped the box on the sidewalk as he handed it to her. Just about every piece was cracked or broken.
He then blamed her and told the kids, who were in the car coming to visit, that their mother was a weakling idiot who couldn't even carry a box.

Only one of the kids still talk to him, he's the biggest ass I know.

hereiam's picture

Just leave them in the box, in the attic, until steps move out. It really isn't a big deal.

If you make it a big deal, they may want them now and you will find them all over your house.

sammigirl's picture

:jawdrop:

I purchased a nice small trunk and put all of my DH's "past" pictures in it for the skids. SD56 began asking about them one day, so I scanned them and made scrapbook picture albums for all three of my grown Skids. Then I put the originals back in the trunk and out of sight. If anything happens to my DH, I would immediately give the trunk to SD; it is ready to go. It contains not only family pictures, when his children were young, but military pictures and pictures of his grandparents and family, when he was a small boy; and yes it contains several pictures of BM.

I would never have trashed the wedding album. I left my wedding album with my Ex. If these pictures are in your attic and out of sight, let it go.

I detest my SD56, I am totally disengaged, and I am not close with my grown step-sons, but I would never try to destroy their past; trashing the wedding album didn't change the fact it happened years, before you.

I understand your feelings, but you need to remember, this is not about you. I'm sorry this is taking up your thinking to this point. DH and I have been married 37 years and I've listened to every past event, story, talk, talk, talk, over and over from my hateful SD56 about her life with her Dadeeee.....With that said, I ignored her and I would never destroy any of her physical memories; it won't get rid of my SD and her mouth; it doesn't change the situation, it has nothing to do with me, and I don't think about BM.

It is difficult for me to understand why they are bothering you that much; maybe we aren't getting the entire story here. My DH's memory chest sits in the guest bedroom and I never think of them, not even when I dust the chest. While writing to you here, I had to stop and remember where I had put the chest.

Sorry!
Sad

Cooooookies's picture

They are pics in a box in the dusty attic. That's how little they mean to everyone else. Long forgotten and collecting dust. Not exactly the thing to get upset over.

notasm3's picture

Until a few months ago DH and I were living in a small condo with ONE closet. No other storage space at all. No attic, no garage, no linen closet.

No way I would have stored anything for anybody.