Early Days of Disengaging, advice wanted going forward
Forums:
I have been disengaging from SD26 for about a year, it's a work in progress, however I have still done arranged all birthday dinners, presents etc and want to stop. How did you all do that ?
I'm thinking of not mentioning the birthday to DH and see what comes about. I should mention she doesn't live with us.
It's actually quite easy. No
It's actually quite easy. No need to announce anything. You just stop doing things you don't want to do.
My SS was about that age when I just wrote him off. I didn't give a big speech to DH - I just never had anything to do with him.
After paying for vacations,
After paying for vacations, insurance, restaurants, etc. for SD and her husband for years and never getting reciprocated, I casually offered to DH, "How about you pay for your family and I'll pay for mine?" I never reminded him of another birthday or other events after that. I just bowed out of all things concerning SD. From then on, since the money was coming out of DH's pocket, treating SD and her husband became a rare occasion.
Does SD remember your special days? Mine never did. Giving has to be reciprocal or you turn into am ATM - it gets old.
No she has never
No she has never reciprocated, never bought me a gift or card ever, never wished me Happy Birthday, never done anything to show appreciation for all that has been given to her at all, I am definitely over it and certainly don't want to entertain her in our home at all. I am very much trying to treat her as she treats me and that's pretend she's invisible. It can be tricky though breaking old habits and pressure from the other stepchildren to do family dinners particularly at birthdays and Xmas.
Do you only want to disengage
Do you only want to disengage from SD and not the other skids? That may complicate things a bit, if you want to continue to do for them but not for her.
I suggest you just tell your DH that now the skids are all grown you will be relinquishing the planning to them. After all, they are adults and can plan their own celebrations like adults are expected to do - either in their homes, at a friend's, or at a restaurant. That includes Christmas or other holidays, too - they can take turns hosting or you can all go out to a nice, neutral restaurant.
Then don't ever mention it to your DH again. Don't remind him, don't offer to get a card/gift, ignore her just like she's ignored you.
When and if you get an invite to a skid celebration, you can choose whether to participate or not. If you like the skid, you can attend and bring a gift. If it's SD, then you can find a reason not to go.
I just stopped doing whatever
I just stopped doing whatever I did for her. It was very easy. She was around 26 or 27 years old. Not a big deal.
I have been totally
I have been totally disengaged from SD26 for 8 years, with only one exception...and that exception ended very badly. They key to disengagement for me, is to listen to your body. If the idea of doing something for SD26 makes me feel uneasy, then I do not do it. Since dealing with her at any level makes me feel ill, I do nothing, for or with her. The guilt trips from DH and SD26's siblings to re-engage with her, now have no effect on me. If they ask, I just say "NO" and if they ask why, I tell them why. And guess what, the guilt trips have decreased with time, so disengagement has just gotten easier. Hope this helps.
Oh this is easy.... simply
Oh this is easy.... simply stop doing things for her.. stop buying her anything etc...
She's an adult and not a child anymore, I fully disengaged when my step brat was 14...
The trips down memory lane,
The trips down memory lane, OMG this is exactly what my SD does every time she is at our home and she does it with anyone, including my friends :jawdrop: . I really have to stop entertaining her !
OH what fun. When SD17 did
OH what fun. When SD17 did that, SO would shoot her down quickly, rather harshly. Then, one time during an argument, BM texted angrily to SO "so now the Skids are no longer allowed to mention anything about me in your presence?"
I do not think that (non-smart) people GET the distinction between not mentioning someone in their home and folks actively reliving the past that we are obviously not a part of, specifically done to make us feel excluded.
This is a game many of us
This is a game many of us have had to listen ..... my Dh's wife died over 10 years ago so SD's favourite game is "Dad, do you remember that fantastic day when Mum......., or Dad, Mum would have loved that.... or Dad, I miss Mum's cooking, she was always such a great cook, or..... wonder what Mum would have thought about ......, or I love to remember all the amazing times you and Mum had together!!!!!!!!!!!
I go every year to take flowers to her grave, we mention her when it's appropriate in a conversation, but as you sayCLove, there is a big distinction between that and a SD manipulating things to get attention and make sure that I feel excluded.
I am now disengaged from SD but she still manages to play games which makes DH feel guilty and unable to be a father rather than a doormat.
Time for DOORMATS to STAND UP and be clean instead of letting SD wipe their S@@t on them!! x
I have a SIL who continually
I have a SIL who continually talks about her life in the 80's when we didn't know each other. In a few minutes it gets really boring and I want to hide out someplace. There have been times that it has been just plain excruciating. So-- what do you think would happen if, when they start bringing up yesteryear with Mum, you bring up your life before you met DH - and make it as boring as you can. If anyone complains tell them you are simply recalling your past, just like they are.
I think we tend to put up with double standards and things we would not ordinarily accept from other people so we can keep the peace. Meanwhile we are being systematically and intentionally bullied by mean-spirited skids who want us to feel alienated. Time to give them a taste of their own medicine.
She's 26, just stop. When my
She's 26, just stop.
When my SD25 was a minor and still coming on her weekends, I usually planned something for her birthday. When she stopped coming over (at about 16), I stopped the birthday stuff. DH would call her, send a card or present, but I stayed out of it.
I wouldn't even mention it, it will be interesting to see if your DH does.
Thank You for all your
Thank You for all your comments and suggestions. 2Tired4Drama asked "Do you only want to disengage from SD and not the other skids? That may complicate things a bit, if you want to continue to do for them but not for her" I don't have any issues with SS24 and SS28, both are living away from home independently. The SS's stay in touch and the eldest comes to stay weekends often, he is lovely, very polite and chatty. So yes, it does it make it tricky to disengage completely from SD26 especially as they are close. I can't arrange birthday dinners with the other 2 at our home and not include SD, so I will have to relinquish that role as you said and allow them to be adults and make their own arrangements. Disengaging does come at cost unfortunately.
Time to meet at a neutral
Time to meet at a neutral location so the time that you spend with SD is limited to however long it takes to eat dinner out. Be smart and have plans after the dinner with another couple or someplace you are promised to be so that no one can invite themselves back to your place.
Yep! That's why a special
Yep! That's why a special event restaurant meal is the way to go, where everyone is invited. You won't have to deal with SD in your home and you can leave when it's over. That's what I've done. I told my SO that making all these meals was getting to be too much for me, would he mind if we just went out to eat - and he was fine with that. On special occasions, we find a restaurant (somewhere in-between, if possible) meet there, have a civil meal and then we all head our separate directions.
I treat it like nothing more than a compulsory meal with strangers - make polite chatter, and vamoose when it's first possible!
Oh, and this shouldn't impact
Oh, and this shouldn't impact the good relationship you have with SSs ... they will obviously continue to visit and contact you as they normally do.
Treat each relationship with adults separately - just as you would with co-workers. Some of them you may have a real connection with, and socialize with. Others you put up with solely because you have to.
Hi there, I have been married
Hi there, I have been married for almost 18 yrs now. I have 2 SD and 2 SS. I get along great with SSs and their families and spend birthdays and holidays with them and their children. I have been semi-disengaged from SDs for several years now and now permanently disengaged from them and their children. I do not attend their children's birthday parties etc. It has been hard for me to do because I feel I should be fair to ALL the grandkids (it is not their fault that they are the spawn of the evil SDs) but the SDs have not allowed me to be a Grandma to their children so why should I keep trying to make it work. This year is the first year that I have not felt guilty about how much time, effort and money I spend with grandkids from SSs versus grandkids from SDs. Fortunately, my DH understands all of this too so he does complain about the difference between the grandkids. It is my life too and I have had to do what makes me happy.
Thank You, Wish I had read
Thank You, Wish I had read your comment 4 years ago. I was that encouraging woman. It got me no where. I have decided people who require a lot of work to get along with, have no part in my life. I am the star of my life and I assign the parts people play. They no longer have roles.
How I did it: I don't ask. I
How I did it:
I don't ask.
I don't discuss any events with DH.
I don't remind DH.
I don't buy for, or help DH, unless he requests. (DH doesn't remember, therefore never asks).
I keep a small day planner next to the phone, in plain sight, with everything written down on it thru the year.
I treat grown skids like I would any acquaintance. I am civil, but not good friends.
Disengagement gets easier, if you just let it all go and move forward without them. Concentrate on your DH and you and don't include the negative parts. It's not easy, but is workable; I keep it to the bare necessities where my Skids are concerned. I've been disengaged 7 years; I hit hurdles and bumps and have to regroup now and then, because my SD56 and SGD31 (mother/daughter) are determined to make my life hell. It is getting easier, because I don't play the game any longer.
I never announced anything
I never announced anything either - it was a gradual stopping of the doing. Let Dh remember the birthday and figure it out. You don't have to totally disengage from the others though - but you should let Dh handle them too. But that being said, you can prod Dh to take over with the planning and arranging for them so basically it is still his idea but gets done to your liking. If that makes sense....
When it comes to my own ss's
When it comes to my own ss's and disengaging I like the analogy of having built a wall with windows and a door in it. When they are not around the wall is up, I don't go out of my way to talk about, plan or do things for them. If ss26 comes over I'll open the door and am kind to him and his family while he's here. When they're gone I close the door. When ss31 aka }:) comes over I jump out the window to avoid him completely.
Like others I did not make a big announcement, I just stopped doing, stopped asking about them and redirect the conversation if DH starts dumping on me about their issues. I no longer care where ss31 is living or if he has a job. Don't care that ss decided to medicate gs8 rather than parent. Don't care that their almost 4 yr old child is still in diapers. Skid, gskid bdays, holidays, gifts, etc are all DH's responsibility. Any plans I made or opinions I had were shot down anyway so I just stay out of it all.
sandye21 pretty much summed
sandye21 pretty much summed it up, and that was how it was for me with my older SD
I did it a bit more gradual, but one day just suggested the same to DH, that he look after his family and I would mine.
I don't offer to do much of anything anymore, SD's loss!
Just change your focus.
Just change your focus. Start filling your life with other things. Change what you treasure. What really helped me embrace this concept called disengaging, is when I took and intra-personal communications class and discovered...Relationships are not black and white...all-in or all out affairs. I learned that they are a constantly moving venue. Even the best of relationships can de-escalate depending on people and events. And not all relationships are meant to enter into an intimate level.
A relationship has to stand on it's own merit. it consists of two people...who they are and who you are, and what you are BOTH willing to contribute, self-disclose, trust levels, and desired level of intimacy with that individual. Everyone is different.
You and your sd have a relationship because of circumstances. What you choose to do with it is up to you. If you think that you are comfortable, due to your experiences with sd to take it to a level 3...then that is where you are at for now. It is up to you to assess what sd brings to your table regarding what she contributes to the relationship...
The most important thing to remember, is to stay true to yourself. Do not let people pressure you into doing something that compromises your self-respect. It is better to be honest with yourself...than to compromise yourself to make someone else happy. Because then you are not being the real you...you do not need to announce to anyone whatever you decide...You only need to be honest with yourself.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to learn to love yourself and be whole as an individual. That way, if you do decide to step out some day, ...your happiness is not hinged upon the acceptance of another individual, so you can remain happy with yourself.
Learn how to have healthy boundaries. You establish boundaries around what you value. (including yourself as a person)...Learn to separate their issues as being theirs...tjhat way you don't take it personally. i now watch my sd's argue with themselves, and go through the entire self defeating process because they have not learned what their baggage is yet. Now I do not take it personally at all. I just step back and re-focus on something that brings joy to my life. Or helping someone who needs my help...
As you focus changes, so will your perception change..peace.
Wow, Peacemaker, that was
Wow, Peacemaker, that was beautifully put, thank you. I am glad I read this. I want to practice this in my own life.
Peacemaker, you are spot on.
Peacemaker, you are spot on. When you start loving and protecting you, things gets easier. I no longer spend time thinking about the steps. I invest in my relationship with DH and our relationship has grown so much.
Long are the days, when DH would talk me into attending SS birthday dinner, only to be ignored, not talked to and then DH starts playing up. When he organises dinner with his kids, he goes alone. He is always inviting his kids over for dinner at our home. What is funny is, the two skids that I have a relationship would come from time to time. However the one that we have absolutely no relationship, has thankfully never taken up his offer.
Once you get to that place of peace and let go of those step kids and their issues you really exalt!
Peacemaker, you are spot on.
Peacemaker, you are spot on. When you start loving and protecting you, things gets easier. I no longer spend time thinking about the steps. I invest in my relationship with DH and our relationship has grown so much.
Long are the days, when DH would talk me into attending SS birthday dinner, only to be ignored, not talked to and then DH starts playing up. When he organises dinner with his kids, he goes alone. He is always inviting his kids over for dinner at our home. What is funny is, the two skids that I have a relationship would come from time to time. However the one that we have absolutely no relationship, has thankfully never taken up his offer.
Once you get to that place of peace and let go of those step kids and their issues you really exhale!