How to get past resentment?
I didn't want to hi-jack anyone else's thread, so I've started a new one - I hope that's ok.
I have two step sons (8 & 5), who are disrespectful. They don't clean up after themselves, they yell and talk to their Dad & I like we're crap, they count down the days until they go back to their Mum's house (we have 50/50 custody), and they don't share.
They're setting a bad example for our 1.5 year old son, who cries at day care whenever anyone approaches him while he's playing because he thinks they're going to snatch his toys.
Is there any way to stop the kids being brats? I feel like every time we try and discipline them, they don't care because they know there are no consequences at their Mum's house, and it just makes them want to (and it makes me want them to) stay with their Mum.
SS8 won't even come near a vacuum at our house, he covers his ears and has a melt down at the noise - but I've just seen on his Mum's Instagram (yes I stalk her Instagram) that he's got the vacuum in his hand.. Then in the next video he's playing the Xbox. I just can't justify rewarding kids for doing something that's expected of them, like cleaning up after themselves. My son gets a clap and a hooray and he's stoked with that.
Obviously I have a fair bit of resentment going on, and that's not going to help anyone. If I break the cycle of me resenting them and having zero patience, will it make things better? How do I do it? At the moment I'm distancing myself from them.
My Husband has selective hearing and doesn't always enforce the rules i.e. manners or pulling them up if they speak to him disrespectfully. When I told him I was going to stay elsewhere when his kids were over, he told me I might as well just leave because they're a package deal. Since then I've fallen out of love with him a bit. He's always backed me up before.
At the same time he's super strict with our son, and he thinks I'm not. We don't need to be. He's 1.5 and the worst he does is stand up at the dinner table.
I don't even know what I'm feeling!!!
Hijacking a bit I'm sorry ,
Hijacking a bit I'm sorry , but I resent my ss6 ... and it is his BM's doing. My DH has tried to explain to her that we have 4 other children in our home and my SS need to learn to be part of the family no sulking moaning lieing demanding and generally unpleasant because he wants to have things and freedom like my DD14 and to also be treated like my DD2.
I am a great believer that we should enjoy our children for the here and now yet raise them for their future so having diverse age groups means a different parenting approach for all. So we do our best to treat him fairly as a 6year old and expect manners and certain amount of tidying up behind himself but sounds awful but he should know his place in the fact that he's not 14 and he's not 2!
He has to be involved in EVERYTHJNG, if I'm on my phone he looks over my shoulder, if I answer the door he's in there in front of me, if my DH interacts with another child he is there saying "and me and me" even if he's been out just him and DH all morning!
The BM admits he's "emotional" and "difficult" if things do not go his way.. but says my BH should be more excited have a big build up and put more effort in to making him happy when he is here as she only allows every other weekend (used to be a lot more but she stopped it 2 years ago) and as far as I can gather the weekends we have him should be all about him and the other 4 kids and myself can hide in a dark room until he's gone!
Also she says he does do housework and chores and picks up dog poo and .... goes in shops by himself!! I feel that allowing him to have so much responsibility feeds his ego of self importance.. I'm all for tidying up after your self if I could I would add photos to what mess he creates.. anyone would think we are victims of burglary when he visits.
I do expect children to help out and learn to respect a home and be part of the big wheel.
But a 6 year old shopping alone... too much! Anything for easy life I guess!
I don't let my DD8 out of my sight when I'm in the shop with her!
Anyway loooongggg story short.. I feel your pain! I too blame BM which is sooooo frustrating because I am a woman who raises my 4 children a certain way and every other weekend a 6 year old little boy brought here and is raised to think everything should be about him , bullies the others , creates an awful home environment and makes me dislike myself for what I feel.. and I'm powerless !
I too have asked several times if I can go away when he's here...
I knew he had a son 5 years ago when the relationship started but I did not sign up for this!
Thanks HeavenLike & Blankey,
Thanks HeavenLike & Blankey, I appreciate both of your responses.
HeavenLike, if I stop doing the heavy lifting nobody will do the heavy lifting.. I'll encourage my husband to do more, and hopefully gradually shift the load.
Blankey, emotional and difficult describe ours too. Fingers crossed we can get through this, hey! Don't be too hard on yourself
^^^LadyFace is right. Focus
^^^LadyFace is right. Focus on parenting your child and not cleaning up after disrespectful skids.
I agree with all above
I agree with all above ladies...
skids is not the problem, your DH is the problem, immediately stop doing anything for his 2 sons, simply smile and tell them ask your dad, if they make a mess, tell DH to clean you are busy.... you only focus on your kid.
If DH is to strict with your son simply tell him, why's BS not allowed to do this but your children can disrespect every one? keep on telling him...
I do not resent my Skid and
I do not resent my Skid and other than their mere existence I resent nothing about the SpermClan. If a fortuitous meteor strike took out a SpermClan family reunion (not attended by my kid) the planet would be a perfect place from my perspective.