There are many cases in which it does not get better with age.

Considering that your husband puts up with their attitudes and disrespect because he is afraid of them, well, I don't see it getting better.

If my SD ever called me a bitch, the last thing on my DH's mind would be fear of losing his daughter.

Your husband has it backwards, his daughters should have a healthy fear of HIM, instead, he has given them all of the power and put you in the position of the outsider. And they know it.

DH's youngest kid is 32. It's only been the last two years or so that I don't inwardly cringe when he says," SD32 just texted me".

It definitely depends on your husband. Have you two talked about plans for helping kids that don't launch? My husband and I have discussed this. I'm okay with helping bios or skids who go off to college. I'll help them out with groceries now and then, or if they're going to college nearby, they can live at home, but they must pay SOME rent and utilities and take care of their own groceries/bills. DH agrees with all of this. It's the same standard for ALL kids, not just SD.

I think a lot of people go into steplife without a plan or without talking about the important things like rules, standards, etc for the children of the marriage. Of course resentment is going to happen if two people have totally different ideas of raising kids and the one who biologically created the kid gets to choose, yet both have to live with it.

As stated in above posts, it depends on DH. The most important thing that must occur BEFORE the skids become adults is that he places your marriage as first priority and insists that you are to be respected as his wife. If he doesn't do this it will definitely NOT get better when they are adults. If anything, it can get worse as it did in my case.

When DH and BM got divorced SD was 12 years old. She is an only child. The divorce was devastating for her. As with many skids, SD stopped maturing emotionally at 12 and this is how she has dealt with life for the past 30 years. Instead of confronting her parents for the hurt they imposed on her, I became her handy scapegoat for the first 20 years of our marriage - even when she went to college. It got worse with every years that went by until she had a meltdown 6 years ago. I haven't seen her since. DH can see her almost any time he wishes to but until she can practice mutual respect she is not welcome in my home.

If your DH will not place boundaries for your SDs, and you want to remain married, you will have to do this yourself.

If dysfunction/toxicity is present, it's not something one just grows out of. Even if the skids do launch, they can continue to cause negativity and chaos if your partner doesn't handle his kids effectively. They just become wounded adults who drag their issues around with them.

My life is better NOW because I have nothing to do with my DH's dysfunctional relationships. But it was a long, painful road getting here. All of that toxic poo still exists, because adults are who they are and I'm not aware of anyone from DH's side being in therapy ;). I just stopped whining about wanting peace and started building that big brick wall to keep the negativity away from ME.

My own experiences have been NO, it doesn't get better with age. For me, and I know for others, it got worse. If you look to the right of this forum there is the question: In your experience as a stepparent, which is easier to deal with?: The most selected answer is "There is no good age."

As said above, "If dysfunction/toxicity is present, it's not something one just grows out of."

It depends: are your skids being given the tools to launch? Is your husband ready for that launch or is he an enabler? Do the kids see life independently or independently? If you have a boy who's lived with his mom all his life and his ATMDad on the weekends with little to no discipline, motivation or drive then you will probably have a rude awakening coming at eighteen. If a kid doesn't feel like it's more beneficial for them to leave the nest then they won't.

It gets better in some ways, and worse in others.

OSD moved in with us fulltime at almost 17, she was a complete nightmare, full of anger and extreme jealousy. Caused a lot of problems until she moved back in with BM, at 19.

Was it better after that?

Well then she refused to see us, other than at DH's family events, and was extremely hostile and disrespectful at those events.

This went on for years, until she finally "grew up"

Now she is an adult in her thirties, married with three kids of her own

She still plays DH and causes problems, just in a different way, and with more cunning and experience than before

The good news is I only have to deal with it every month or so when there is a get together for DH's family, otherwise I don't have much to do with her so that does help

It only gets better if you and your SO establish reasonable standards of behavior for any kids in your home (regardless of kid biology) and apply appropriate and significant consequences for violations of the standards you set.

If you don't do those things... it won't get any better and in fact will likely get worse when they are adults. Though adults can be purged from your home for some reason they can be far more difficult to deal with than kids.

Whether kids or adults the key is holding them accountable for their behavior, having zero tolerance for inappropriate behavior, and bringing immediate unpleasant consequences including when the behavior occurs in public. Baring idiot behavior ass at family gatherings, etc.... by calling them out with the specifics of their crap communicates to everyone clearly that their crap will not be tolerated.

Good luck.

razz - I say it all depends on how you handle these last couple off years...

I knew there's nothing I could do to change the house environment, thus I started working on making sure Aergia leaves age 18 and live on her own...

My steps were all over 30 and married when I met DH so I thought they would not present a problem.

The problem started when SD's husband left her and she wanted her daddy back to fill in the lonely void. Five years later, she's still single with no boyfriend in sight.

I don't see an end to this, but moving farther out of town helped.

A lot of good advice has been given here and I concur one of the most important things is your DH, as a couple you need to be united and clear boundaries set in the home when you are all living together. We had regular meetings , DH, myself and the stepchildren, everyone was encouraged to openly discuss all and sundry, including likes and dislikes, future plans and goals. At times some of the stuff the steps raised was ridiculous but I smiled, said NO when I had to and moved on to another topic.

There is no doubt for me that our marriage and my whole sense of well being improved when the stepchildren left home, it was a pleasure not to be around SD and her sour face, mood swings, attention seeking dramas and laziness every day. Of course they can still cause drama once they leave home, but seriously it's great to have your home to yourself again.

No, if you live with a doormat parent, it does not improve..... Adults can me even more strategic and manipulative than children, especially when dadeeee is a wossie.