How much alone time is reasonable
Hi there, just wondering what everyones view is on the stepparent having time to themselves on the weekend. My partner has three kids and we have them 50% of the time. When they're home with us it feels like all they do is play computer games in our main living zone. Their dad is a gamer and doesn't have an issue. After living with them for 6 months, I recently snapped . It was like I woke up and simply couldn't stand another weekend like this. My way of dealing with this lately has been to stay away with family Friday night and have Saturday to myself. I'm enjoying this but I sense my partner Is worried that I am no longer keen to be a family. It's not that at all. I just can't stand being cooped up inside listening to guns firing throughout the house anymore. My job is highly stressful and I am craving time alone to relax in peace and quiet. The week we don't have the kids is peaceful. Am I expecting too much to want to have a day to myself when the kids are there? Thanks for your help
Thanks for your reply Hrcity.
Thanks for your reply Hrcity. Sounds very similar. Would you believe there is no Rv aerial in the house anyway! Gamers don't need watch TV. I miss it. I bought a second tv for our bedroom so I could sneak off and watch Netflix but then that slows down the gaming so I can't do that now. I'm conscious that it's four against one so am happy to be the odd one out. I just wish I wouldn't be made to feel so guilty now that I've decided to disappear and go my own thing on Saturdays. There's no scope to move the equipment into the bedroom bc there is so much equipment! It's like a whole room of gaming gear!
Thanks for your reply Hrcity.
Thanks for your reply Hrcity. Sounds very similar. Would you believe there is no TV aerial in the house anyway! Gamers don't need to watch TV. I miss it. I bought a second tv for our bedroom so I could sneak off and watch Netflix but then that slows down the gaming so I can't even do that now. I'm conscious that it's four against one so am happy to be the odd one out. I just wish I wouldn't be made to feel so guilty now that I've decided to disappear and do my own thing on Saturdays. There's no scope to move the equipment into the bedroom bc there is so much equipment! It's like a whole room of gaming gear!
Just reread your wonderful
Just reread your wonderful suggestions re bedrooms. If I suggested this I would be considered selfish. I agree with you though. I feel like I am walked all over but they don't get it. They are great, loving people by the way. Just dad is clueless! If his boys are happy, he's happy and there's pressure on me to be around bc I make them all happy - but I'm unhappy!
The family room TV is not for
The family room TV is not for gaming. Buy a cheap TV for gaming, stick it in a broom closet somewhere, buy each gamer head phones and that is how you deal with that.
No gaming without headphones so you are not forced to hear the orgy of destruction, mayhem, and slaughter. Keeping it out of the family room also minimizes the stress you are feeling and should return your home back to being your refuge space.
At least this is what I recommend.
Thanks so much for your
Thanks so much for your advice and words of support hrcity and rags. The one who plays sometimes wears headphones and the other two stand on the sidelines giving loud commentary until they feel it's their turn to play then they fight then call dad to solve the issue and it goes on like that all day. It's very noisy and we live in an open plan house (which, yes, I pay the mortgage on too)
. I must sound like a push over. I'm just concious of entering into their world and they are all happy to carry on like that. The thing is I'm more than happy to head out for the day/night and do my own thing to cope. Luckily I have a place I can go. But what's really bugging me is I'm tacitly being made to feel like I am being uncommitted and selfish when I take off for some space....the kids miss you bla blah. It's only one day and if I was there they'd be glued to the screen :-0
I can relate, but I've
I can relate, but I've experienced this with my own DSs with DH, so therefore, I was able to resolve it with DH without being accused of bad motives as I may have been had this involved my SSs, who, thankfully, are now grown. I'm a lawyer in a high-stress practice (as is DH), so we both need and enjoy our quiet time at home. You should be able to enjoy quiet time at home without being considered "selfish," or having to leave the house, as I think it's incredibly rude to allow someone to dominate the main living space with an individual activity (or one that excludes some family members), especially one that's loud at that.
We just bought a new house last year. It has an open floor plan, so the family room is open to the rest of the main floor, and with a two-story ceiling, sound travels upstairs as well, where our bedroom is. DS9 immediately set up his gaming system to the tv in the family room. My DH is NOT a gamer, so I guess I had that going for me. We both agreed this was NOT going to work, not just in terms of noise but with cords all over the place when we went to great expense to mount the TV over the fireplace and hide the cable box. We made him move it to the basement, where we have a big screen and he can go and play to his heart's content. Our DS15 has different games and different gaming systems, and although he sometimes takes his to the basement and we have to mediate who gets to play down there when he is home from boarding school, he mainly plays in his room, with headphones. However, if we did not have the basement space, I'd have no problem telling DS9 to play his in his room like DS15 does.
I think the solution in your case all depends on whether your DH backs you up on this. I sure hope he does.
I'm sorry but I felt my blood
I'm sorry but I felt my blood pressure rising and rising as I was reading your predicament. I agree with HRCity and Rags but I would go a step further and suggest your DH is being immensely selfish in permitting his offspring in the main room at all, let alone without headphones, doing their wretched gaming. Not only would I banish them to a broom closet, I would insist on Netflix for myself and if it slows the gaming down, then its totally on your DH to do whatever is necessary to rectify this, and I would go ahead and watch anyhow. Why in heavens name isn't he spending some time with you on weekends, and not spending the time mindlessly gaming? You said you have a stressful job and you deserve some enjoyable recreation on weekends. This whole setup makes me very angry on your behalf.
It reminds me of when my SDs were coming over EOW, and I would just be totally ignored while DH played Disney Dad with them.
Nope. Not unreasonable at
Nope. Not unreasonable at all.
We had this issue bc my husband's youngest daughter would wake up at 7 am and immediately turn on the TV to Spongebob. Really loud...really obnoxious...and she was a teen at the time. Way too old for that nonsense. Plus, she would keep the TV running 16+ hours a day...wouldn't even turn it off when she left the room.
We fought about it a lot, but eventually I won out. I don't want to wake up to the sound of the TV blaring EOWE. Won't live like that.
I know that I happen to be highly sensitive to extraneous noise...but oh well. My house, I pay the bills. If SD wants to blare the TV 24/7 when she's an adult and paying the bills at her own place, have at it. But not in my home.
I had a very similar issue
I had a very similar issue with my DH and SS's. DH is a gamer and so are all three SS's. My BS liked video games but didn't care to spend every second on them.
When we moved into our home, OSS had his own room, BS had his own room and MSS & YSS shared a room in our finished basement. When we moved in, I asked OSS how he wanted to decorate his room. I got blank stare and a response of "I don't want anything done". FINE!!! BS had a small 32 inch TV in his room and his own gaming system which he had before marriage. DH had a gaming system which he put in the basement for the SS's to use.
DH works weekends so I was stuck at home with ALL the boys. OSS would pull the gaming system from the basement and put it on the large TV in the living room. He would hog the TV all day and force the MSS, YSS and BS to all share BS's system and crowd around BS"s small TV.
I finally had enough considering I was sick of hearing the game and having OSS try to run the house.
After 8 hours of OSS hogging the Game and TV, I politely asked him to move it back down to the basement so the rest of the family could enjoy the TV.
OSS became hostile and ended up slamming a few doors. I unhooked the game system, stood at the top of the stairs and tossed it into the living room.
Then I called DH and told him what happened and let him know that OSS was no longer allowed at the house without DH being there. I was not tolerating his attitude or hostile behavior toward me.
That was 4 years ago and OSS has maybe stayed at our house three nights since that time and has never been at the house without DH being there. OSS and I didn't have much a relationship after that until about a year ago. He has since went to college and has matured. He is very respectful and polite to me now and even tells me he loves me.
He just needed to understand what my boundaries were. He crossed it and paid the price.
You need to set your boundaries with the gaming. There are many times I leave the house when the SS's are there just to get a break. DH used to get his feeling hurt but he has since understood that I am a much happier person when I am not surrounded by constant noise and chaos. And he gets to enjoy some guy time with the SS's.