Step son acting paranoid...strange
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years, his son is now 9. We have had a fairly ok relationship so far..but lately he has been acting really snoopy and paranoid. He thinks we are having sex all the time and tries to spy on us...we do not have any sexual relations while he is with us. He visits his mother only every other weekend. He thinks we are talking about him all he time....he thinks we are lieing about stuff...he writes notes and hides them throughout the house and they say things like "I hate you, your a liar!" My boyfriend has been trying to discuss this all with him but he gets shy and irritated fast. We can't seem to figure out what's going on with him and why he's acting like this all of a sudden...he even gets upset if I show any type of affection to his father and he yells at me and tells me I can't touch his daddy. Any advice here? Thanks!
Sit him down (both you and BF
Sit him down (both you and BF together) and confront him on the notes and behavior. Inform him that his snoopy paranoid crap will no longer be tolerated and he knocks it off now.
He is a kid, you and BF are adults. You and BF need to act like adults and give SS-9 the clear message that he is a kid and this crap will not be tolerated.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
If the adults do not set clear behavioral expectations and hold kids accountable to those standards then the issue is an adult problem IMHO.
No threats. Just addressing
No threats. Just addressing the undesirable behaviors with direct action. If the focus on the behavior does not work then engaging professionals certainly can and should happen.
Though possible it is most likely that this is not a psychological illness issue.
he's 9 and starting with
he's 9 and starting with puberty..... your BF will have to sit him down and have the talk with him.
It has nothing to do with you........
BF should also drill it into his head, what ever happens in your house stays in your house and what ever happens in BM's house stays in her house, there's a thing such as privacy, the only time he can talk about something is if some one did something to him or endangered his life.
Why would a 9 year old care
Why would a 9 year old care so much about his dad's sex life? I can almost guarantee that this crap is coming from his mother. I have the feeling she is asking him to spy and gather information. If she can show that dad is having sex instead of watching his son then she can take him back to court. Be very careful with this kid. If you're going to be left alone with him for any amount of time, get a nanny cam.
Well there was a couple of
Well there was a couple of incidences at his mothers where she and her husband would lock themselves into the bathroom to have sex, SS has told us about this and said he was scared to be alone and he could hear them making noises..his father did confront her about this and she laughed it off :/
not creepy at all, he is
not creepy at all, he is curious and a bloody gossip....
the Dad never should've called the mother, he should've told the kid, yeah when adults are married and love each other they have sex, stop your shit
She recently had another
She recently had another child yes
Why is a 9 year old dictating
Why is a 9 year old dictating your sex life? Dad needs to sit this kid down and explain to him appropriate boundaries.
When my BS was around that
When my BS was around that age he became very paranoid about similar things. He didn't, however, leave little hate notes all over the house.
He would listen in on my conversations with everyone and always thought I was talking about him. If I was hanging out with my Boyfriend, he would come into every room we were in to see if we were "making out" (never happened). He was extremely sensitive about any man being around me and would get livid if a man would check me out.
Personally I think most of it is just the age. He is hitting puberty and isn't really sure what is happening to his body.
The note thing, however, is concerning. I would sit him down with the notes and make him explain them. Then I would make sure he understood that was NOT acceptable and for it to stop immediately. Finally, it is time for your DH to have a chat with him about puberty. He may be having feelings toward you that he isn't understanding so instead of knowing how to process it, he is lashing out.
You only have sex every other
You only have sex every other weekend? Doesn't the boy sleep? What messages overt and subliminal is he getting about sex from different places and people in his life?
It sounds like in your house sex is a dirty thing that must be denied except when you two are entirely alone. That is not normal. Most couples with children in the house still have sex when the kids are there. Wait till they are asleep or occupied with something else, shut and lock the bedroom door and keep the noise down, there is no reason to avoid sex completely while he is there.
I've missed you, Sue. Where
I've missed you, Sue. Where have you been?
Another one here. I totally
Another one here. I totally believe this post as this is my life too.
Guilty daddy will not consider sex, romance or even affection / acknowledgement of our relationship whatsoever when the skids are with us as he didn't want to make them jealous when they were little, and now fears the wrath of OSD teenaged mini-BM brat who throws a fit if daddeeeee isn't watching her every minute of the day.
Used to have them every weekend as BM needed "her time off" at the weekends. Now EOWe as counsellor for YSD said she was desperate to spend time with her mother (which I totally understood, it's just a shame her mother doesn't want anything to do with her other than as a walking cheque book, but I digress).
DH also works very long hours in the week, so only happens once or twice a month. And this from a man who when we first met used to bitterly complain that he & his ex "only" had sex "several" times a month as she didn't get how important sex was to him in a committed relationship... I feel like the bait and switch was rather epic in this case.
Now reached the point where he tries to get his leg over on the Thursday evening before they come over for the weekend. As it makes me feel used in that he wants to get his needs met and (from my perspective) ' out of the way' so he can focus on his kiddos all weekend I'm so filled with resentment that I've told him he has any day of the week to choose from, but I'm no longer doing it on a Thursday. He is confused as he genuinely doesn't get the impact of what this lack of / compartmentalisation of our sex life for the last several years has done to my libido (i.e. Killed it).
SS14: You dirty rotten
SS14: You dirty rotten sexer...me and my sisters...creepy dad and evil sm...pffft!
DH: Oh, little man, ha ha, I promise to never--
Anotherstep (interrupting): Oh, dh, before you make any promises to anybody, consider whether you will ever have anything to talk about at all if you discuss my private life with children, capisce?
I understand exactly what you
I understand exactly what you mean, another. I've described it to my gfriends as being in "actual medical shock" when some of these things happen.
One can always think up the perfect rejoinder in hindsight. But who can prepare for these bizarre moments beforehand? You'd have to be able to imagine them and who in their right mind could?
Another - that's
Another - that's HORRIBLE!!!!
The Skids dictating your romantic (or rather non-romantic) intimate life, has got to be the worst. Who's house is it anyway? A good lesson to be learned.
OMG
OMG anotherstep.....(((SORRY)))
OP, I would be very VERY careful with dh 9 year old sson. Sounds like a set up to me and BM is behind it.
I have heard it all, see it all and nothing would surprise me that your BM may go after your dh based on this, and could win actually.
**it may sound like I am far reaching to you but actually you must understand to the depths some people will go to for $$**
Frankly I would be furious IF my spouse didnt handle this quick fast and in a hurry.
JMO
Dh needs to tell him when
Dh needs to tell him when people love each other and are adults, they have sex. It is private but is not shameful.
And y'all should be able to have sex while a skid is there! Y'all are the ones paying the bills!