Too disengaged?

Forums:

So I am completely new to the site but I have been a stepmom for 12 years. My skids are SD23, SS21, SD18. DH and I have 2 young bio kids together. For many many years of reasons I decided about 18 months ago to start disengaging from the skids. They come over once a week for a meal at DH's insistence because somewhere in his head we are the Walton's but in my head we are the Hatfield's and McCoy's. Luckily, we were recently able to come to a compromise that he and the skids would meet for this meal away from my house and our young kids. DH has a very stressful/dangerous job that requires me to be mentally prepared for "the call". Between the skids and his job I feel like I have disengaged from him. DH and I have our issues (mostly about the skids) but I am not sure that was the extent I was looking for. Divorce isn't really an option because I am not sharing my kids with him. I will openly admit that I was a too young to get married and those rose-colored glasses were thick - I had no freaking clue what I was getting into. At this point we have reached the "roommate" stage and I hate it. So my question is how do I re-engage with him? Is it even feasible to think we can reach some kind of happiness together or should I just move to the other room and wait out the next 16 years?

***As I have seen others post, please no bashing, negative, quippy remarks. I am genuinely looking for advice/help.***

The seeing his kids away from

The seeing his kids away from the house is only in the past two weeks so up until then they were able to come over and stir up all kinds of drama. He constantly asks for my opinion on what he should do when the skids "need" something or there is an event or they are asking to move in again. He wants me to be a part of the big family when I have no interest in being involved with the skids on any level. Sorry, I should have explained it better but, I think I was so resentful of how he leaves me to be the parent so he can be their buddy and allows them to be disrespectful to me that I disengaged with him at the same time. I think without the skids around that he and I could have a decent marriage but I feel numb around him. He feels "ganged up on" at marriage counseling so that hasn't been successful.

DH and I were at the stage

DH and I were at the stage that I was leaving because of the treatment/blame I got and DH's enabling of ss31. I suggested marriage counseling but DH refused to go so I went alone; it helped me change my behavior and see my part in allowing all of it, which changed our marriage. I set boundaries and I stepped out of DH and the ss's drama.

DH would ask me for advice about ss31, I learned that he really didn't want advice he just wanted to deflect the guilt he was feeling onto someone else...me. I could not rescue DH from his crappy relationship with ss so I fully handed it over to him and now I rarely talk about the ss's except for the occasional "Oh" "uh huh," then I'm done.

It could be beneficial to you to keep going to therapy even if it's by yourself. You've got multiple levels of stress that are causing you to shut down: marrying young, young kids, DH's hazardous job, skids and a guilty DH. If you're like most of us there is no one you can talk to, that's why there are therapists! Take care of yourself, and as the flight attendants tell us, "put your own oxygen mask on first, then help others."

Best to you

Thank you! I think 2017 is

Thank you! I think 2017 is going to be about me.

Yay for you!!!

Still Learning: This is

Still Learning: This is exactly what I did, same story to the tee.

My marriage is much better. Our marriage is not what it was, but maybe you could say, more mature. Lol...

SD56 or SGD31 (mother/daughter) are no longer a part of my life in any aspect. It was the healthiest move I ever made in my life to totally disengage and turn the dysfunctional skids over to DH. After all I didn't have any participation in creating the dysfunction.

Good advice and I know it works, because I am there.

Good to hear that DH is

Good to hear that DH is dealing with the dysfunctional skids and you are no longer a part of their dynamic. Marriage is between two people who have vowed to love and support each other. Never have I heard vows that say, "Do you take this SD to be your lawfully wedded mini wife." Nope, there is no place for them in the marriage and it wrecks a relationship when a parent confides intimate details about the spouse. ss31 was DH's emotional spousal replacement for over a decade. That's one of the reasons skid still has so much hatred towards me because I did push him out of his place, though I had no idea of their dynamic until after the wedding. DH tried to *fix* things by treating us equally which wasn't flying with either of us.

I have set very firm boundaries concerning the ss's and do not communicate with them on my own and have polite superficial dealings with them during visits and family functions. With ss31 it's more distant and I actively avoid him whenever possible since with him there has been a history of verbal abuse, theft and vandalism.

Funny thing is that since I've disengaged skids rarely come over anymore. Guess it's no fun to visit since I'm not a target anymore. Oh well, not my issue.

Like Sammi, I did the same

Like Sammi, I did the same thing. First I found ST, which reinforced feelings that what SD was doing and how DH was handling it was not something I could live with or SHOULD live with. The first counsellor I called sounded as if she was a SD herself. She was very blunt and abrasive, telling me not to put DH in the middle. Well, he was in the middle because he placed himself in that position, and by doing so, betrayed me and our marriage. So I went to another counsellor by myself. It was a turning point in the marriage and my life.

When I took myself out of the equation and all communications, it left them to have to deal with each other, which didn't work out well. DH can visit or communicate with SD whenever he wants. He has chosen not to. I guess DH and SD found they weren't that 'close' after all.

My take on "being in the

My take on "being in the middle" is that you can lead a productive life by keeping your relationships private and to yourselves; both with your spouse and your children. You don't put yourself in the middle of relationships.

My DH decided he needed to tell SD everything about out marriage, including financial and what went on behind bedroom doors. Well my DH put himself in the middle at that first little gossip chat, which continued and lasted for almost 15 years, before SD sent me a hate email and threw DH under the bus. Oops! You see I always thought our marriage was not SD's business. SD and DH's relationship was not my business.

Our marriage was peaceful and fun, until DH put himself in the middle, and attempted to gain attention from his DD, by gossiping to her. My DH did the same thing before my time concerning gossip about BM to SD, when she was young; I did not realize this, until the "same ole'" stories came thru SD's email. Then the light came on! The SH*t hit the fan! Now things are by my rules, for me, not them.

You see SD and DH had it easy with me; not now, nor never will.

So in my book, DH put himself in the middle of a tornado and I brought them both down with a slam on the ground. They ask for it, now they don't like the results of their gossip.

I don't forget and will never trust either of them again.

When DH told me he didn't

When DH told me he didn't want to be in the middle while SD and her husband were screaming at me, I thought it was a rather 'lame' excuse for being a coward. He had already placed himself in the middle by trying to impress SD at my expense. He and SD under-rated my intelligence often for the 1st 20 years of our marriage. I think they got that impression because I was always trying to win SD over and avoid arguments with DH. Boy, were they in for a surprise! DH learned not to B.S. me any more. I get the feeling it was like that for you too.

"When I took myself out of

"When I took myself out of the equation and all communications, it left them to have to deal with each other..."

This is what my counselor told me to do too. She also said not to allow DH to *dump* on me about ss31, rather let him deal with all the emotions and drama himself so he comes face to face with it. It was hard at first not to listen to DH go on about ss31 and be *supportive* of him, but DH didn't want support or advice he was just whining about his own failed parenting then turning around and blaming me. I've since stepped out of all conversations ss31 related. If his name is even mentioned I leave the room because everyone is looking at me for some reaction since he's cried to everyone about how wicked I am.

Thanks, I will find a copy of

Thanks, I will find a copy of that book.

Thanks!

It's a long story and I am

It's a long story and I am sure most people in this group have a similar one but its mostly tangled up in the fact that his guilt at not being around the skids daily gave him the excuse to be an indulgent father and I was the bad guy. I was/am so resentful of him for the way a lot of things played out that I threw the baby out with the bath water so to speak. I feel numb when I see him. He is the a completely different father to our two and I love how he is with them - but I feel no sparks.

my marriage has also been

my marriage has also been poisoned by the years of dh feeling guilt and letting skids walk all over him...and me. i refused to let them treat me as a doormat as they did their father and stood up for myself.

hard to disengage totally when skids are living under the same roof.

when men feel too much love for the skids its easy for them to forget their own wives. you are not alone in the way you feel. go with what feels right for you and dont apologise for it.

You are not alone...I'm in

You are not alone...I'm in the same boat except I have no children of my own. DH didn't handle skids well until long after marriage counseling, and we argued a lot. I suffered too much for too long. I'm going to look for that Stephen Covey book.

So sorry. We are going

So sorry. We are going through a really rough time of things so I am probably not the best one to give advice but I will tell you that when we do stuff together and neither one of us talks about the skids we actually have a pretty good time together. It's hard not to talk about the skids because he/we are always getting sucked into some kind of drama with them and they are all in their 20's. Also off limits is the BM and her family. I really have to work at not talking about any of them because they and the things they do are always on my mind.

It seems that disengaging and

It seems that disengaging and compartmentalizing are difficult at best. I hope you find a happy place for yourself and your marriage. I used to obsess about when the next shoe would drop and that's when I decided to disengage. It was that or go crazy.

^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^

I don't know how you can

I don't know how you can never talk about your feelings or fight for fear he might die at work. That seems so weird to me, my parents were both cops, I mean hell, if either one of them had your same fears think about how that marriage would have been. To play devils advocate, someone could die in a car accident, so what, does that mean you walk on egg shells around them too? Living in fear is really no way to live.

Don't speak badly about his kids anymore, hell the hard part is over, he is meeting them somewhere else now. When he brings up his kids just nod and change the subject and get the hell out of the room. You will find it gets easier and easier as time goes on.

Echo and clevergirl have supplied good advice on how to get the love back.

I am writing this as a person

I am writing this as a person who knows what you are going through. Evel3 and SuperJew offered excellent advice.

I went through much of what you have for 20 years. DH was the typical guilty Disney Dad, sometimes sacrificing my dignity to gain approval from his little adult princess who was at times cruel and obnoxious. He would sometimes smirk, blurt out a put down, then both he and SD would smile at each other in the knowledge that they were in the same 'Hate SM' club. It is sad that it took that to make them feel connected. Six years ago everything came to a head with a melt-down from SD. SD and her husband proceeded to scream at me with all sorts of unsupported, vague accusations. Instead of standing up for his wife, DH ran out the door.

It took that for me to see that the only one who could stop this was me. Like you, I put my foot down and told DH he could see SD whenever he wanted but she was not to set foot in my home until he could inform her she was to respect me as his wife. He has never had the courage to do this but I am finding it is a blessing in disguise - I hope she stays away. Since I am disengaged from her totally, we do not discuss SD at all.

Still, after the meltdown, I was left with a terrible feeling of betrayal from DH. It took years of him treating me with respect for me to trust him again. I had to learn to let him know what my expectations were. Since he is one to avoid conflict, I will defend myself but he is to support me. You've only been at this two weeks. I can guarantee you it gets better with time if your DH is willing to show you the respect you deserve. But you have to expect it, and you have to let him know you do.

SuperJew brought up a good point. Your DH chose his career knowing the dangers that it presented. If he is taking his marriage problems to work, it's the same as bringing his work problems home. You are not responsible for his choices or the way he handles stress.

I am not going to address the

I am not going to address the step kid part, because people have already done that intelligently. I was caught by your statements:
" DH has a very stressful/dangerous job that requires me to be mentally prepared for "the call". Between the skids and his job I feel like I have disengaged from him."

I also noticed that you appear to feel you cannot fall out with your DH because that might be the final words that you exchange with him and that would be awful. I suggest what is more awful is living in this extreme version of 'walking on eggshells' because you cannot thrash out the difficulties in your marriage in case he gets killed the next day. Sorry to be blunt but this is no way to live. You are understandably resentful because you have felt gagged by various factors - ie the ones I have just mentioned and also the SKID issues. Don't feel gagged - I also felt like this for a number of years and it is death to a good partnership. You MUST speak your feelings and have your DH hear them if your relationship is to improve.

Forget the skids! Seriously,

Forget the skids! Seriously, they are your problem here; only you can turn that around. I am also in this situation; I let the skids go away, both mentally and physically. They are no longer a part of my life, ever! They are jealous of me and don't like me, that's a fact, so why waste my time with it.

My DH and I talked about me feeling betrayed and him choosing SD over me to run to with his "so called whines". I finally give up the fight and decided "My health and happiness" was being dictated by this evil woman. So I rid myself of her, completely. My two step sons are respectful and we were never "engaged" to begin with.

I have no interaction with my SD56. My DH and I went thru 2 years of separation, fighting, debates, the whole picture. I decided I was going to change my way of living. I do not even mention or think about this witch to my DH.

My grown Skids are not my problem, I didn't raise them, and I didn't create this dysfunctional family, that my DH has. I met DH after his brats were raised. So they are his and BM's problem and I was too nice too long, trying to please everyone (30+) years.

I guess what I am trying to say, wishing it would change won't do it; you have to set boundaries and goals for "yourself" and forget what is going on around you.

With this said, it is a long and painful process and an ongoing process as long as you are with your DH. I have been totally disengaged seven (7) years. It has been a very difficult road for me; but it is easier every day, because it is a life changing decision for me. I am stubborn and will never go back to living the night mare I lived for years.

The first step is getting your mind wrapped around progress and sticking to it; do not give skids room in your thinking. You have taken a good positive step with them going out for their weekly dinner. Then take it slow and productive. If I had my disengagement to do over, I would take it slower and keep it more to myself and just "do it". I discussed it too much with my DH, thus giving him ammo to take to SD. My DH gets absolutely no information from me now (2 years). If I have an issue, I take it up with the witch herself. I have never had words with my SD56, but she knows her boundaries; I have made it perfectly clear where she stands through my actions, thus saving drama, which she loves.

My SD will never stop trying to divide our marriage. She hates me more every day for my silence and standing my ground. It makes it a bit easier, when she hates me, she tends to stay away from me and that is what I want.

Good Luck with beginning your recovery. Your relationship will heal with your DH, if you begin making yourself more independent and happy. It seems to just fall into a more calm scene, when you don't talk about or care what is going on with your skids. My relationship with my DH is 100% different and I hurt thinking that he destroyed my trust in him; but it is what it is and I'm moving forward and much better for it.

My DH spends all the time, anytime, anywhere, he wishes with his kids; I chose when I want to join him; but I do it for DH and myself; it NEVER has anything to do with what my Skids want or think.

You have other children to think about also; this is important for you to develop peace for them and yourself.

((((hugs))))

Thanks sammigirl. I know I

Thanks sammigirl. I know I was part of the problem by "giving" too much of myself to the skids. Like so many, they were being trained on the other side to see me and DH as "the problem" and a lot of my real resentment of them should be directed at BM and SF. However, they are adults now and can make the conscious decision to not hurt me but they still do it. When I saw the light of them finally being adults is when I decided that I had to disengage. So how do I let go of the past? Clearly I am not good at this or I would have figured it out sooner.

You are asking the wrong

You are asking the wrong person on "how do I let go of the past?". I have never been able to forgive DH and SD for the hurt they caused, by betraying me and all the disrespect that followed. I was unaware they were gossiping about me and I couldn't figure why I was being mistreated, because I had never spoken a bad word to my SD56 or other skids. I bent over backwards to keep everything peaceful. The more I did this, the worse I was treated.

With that said; the only thing that helped me, was to take myself completely out of the situation and move forward for "me". I totally disengaged from anything that involved my SD56 or my SGD31 (mother/daughter). I set boundaries for myself, not anyone else. It included telling my DH to move out or stop going to SD with our private life.

DH swears he doesn't tell her anything; I know different. I do not trust DH, SD, or SGD; they have been told I don't care (I really mean this and live it) what they say or think, ever again. I also told DH I lost all trust and he has damaged our private life beyond repair; therefore, our life is very different. With telling them how I really fell and moving forward, I have taken control of my life.

I took the reins to control "my life". That was the big step for me. I hardly think about the past, so I guess I have let it go to an extent (7 years disengaged). I'm thinking it will get easier with time. It's a form of grief; I was hurt and I need to heal. The hurt will not go away over night and probably you will never forget.

How I handle living with it: I don't discuss any of it with DH, unless I need to call him on something that he does or says, concerning SD or SGD. Then I do discuss it with him immediately and let him know; " I do not want to hear about them, discuss them, or be around them". I have had to remind him of my boundaries and probably always will need to remind DH; because he thinks I will get over it. I never leave any of it up to DH to handle, he is not nor never has handled the situation; that's why it got out of control. Again, I repeat; I take myself out of the situation and don't depend on peace "just happening".

As long as I am married to DH; I will have to maintain my disengagement with SD56 and SGD31. I love my DH and want to stay married. Therefore it will always be my duty to take care of myself, stay out of it, and enjoy my life.

You can get past and let go, I'm hoping. It takes time and a good deal of work. Just keep moving forward, time helps.

((((hugs))))

Thank you everyone for your

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice. Between fighting with DH and working I did read all the comments. In looking at everything I realized that I am the one that needs to find a way to let go of the resentments - it's only hurting me. I saw in other posts that a lot of people write letters - mostly never delivered - does it really help? Any other thoughts on how to let go of the past hurts so I can be completely disengaged and move forward without getting all pissed of every time I hear their names? I am human so I do bleed and hurt when you stab me in the back. I had thought about confronting each of them but it won't matter if they don't care enough to change.
Thoughts ladies?

I would not confront the

I would not confront the skids - they probably wouldn't care but maybe get satisfaction out of knowing they wounded you. And you are already questioning if they care enough to change. It is hard to forgive when you have been on the receiving end of a crappy relationship. Are you religious at all? Possibly turn there for comfort and healing?

I had to do a lot of mental work when dealing with the skids - like letting things go and convincing myself that they did not dictate my worth. My relationship with my husband was worth more and valued more than what they could do (passive aggressively) towards me. I also have an electronic journal that helps keep me sane. No one has access to it and I spill everything! The hurt, the hate - and it seems to help to get it all out. You cannot leave all that bottled up inside, its like a festering wound. I have gone back and read what I had written a few years ago and it seems like a different person had written it. Give it a try... it's an outlet if nothing else.

hugs to you...

I had to do a lot of mental

it doesn't come with a

it doesn't come with a "feelings are now not hurt" switch that gets flipped - Sooo true! When I wrote the original post I was in a flurry of anger and I couldn't see through it. Then DH said last night "they are out of your life - everything should be fine now - just let go of the past". But it's just not that EASY!

Agreed, not confronting them. But I think I will write the letters and tuck them away. It may seem petty to hold onto them like I am not letting go but the skids have a sneaky way of being nice enough for long enough to get behind my defenses. I need a reminder of the leopard that I am dealing with. Leopards don't change their spots.

I am in a very similar

I am in a very similar situation right now. My SS is now 20 years old. Due to him not being able to live with me any longer, he moved out a few weeks before he graduated from high school two years ago. It was only during this time and maybe a little bit before that I think the light finally came on in my DH's head. Before that, he was always defending SS no matter what he did to me. A counselor that SS was seeing in elementary school told me that SS would do everything possible to break up my marriage and he did. I have left several times for a few days just because I needed a break but I didn't want my marriage to be over especially over a little shit like SS. He has told so many lies to so many people especially family about me that I am seen as the bad guy. When people try to talk to me about him, I shut it down by telling them you haven't lived in my house or been in my shoes. I'm tired of people telling me how he was a child and didn't know what he was doing. That's BS. He knew exactly what he was doing. When he moved out, he told everyone it was all because of me. So two months after moving out and two weeks after graduating high school, he comes to tell us that he is engaged. He got married a few weeks later and then shipped off to the military. Now, he and his wife are finished and it's all her fault. (Nothing is ever his fault.) He is going on deployment at the end of January so he came to town to hang out with his family. Keep in mind, we've heard hardly anything from him in two years. Her family lives in the same town and he's been "home" plenty of times and never wanted to hang out with any of us. When DH first told me that he had contacted him wanting to come hang out with us, I asked where is he going to stay. I think that shocked my DH at first. But I don't want this kid in my house. Heck, I had to BEG for a lock to be put on my office and on my bedroom door while he was still living here because he was going through my stuff and taking things constantly. I had to fight DH for that. I shouldn't have to live like that in my own house. But now, DH is pissed at me because I won't allow SS in our house or on our property. He even tried to make me feel guilty saying what if he gets killed when he goes off on deployment? Really, you are trying to make me feel guilty because I don't want to see him after all the shit he put me through? He has never supported me or taken up for me when it comes to his kids. They are allowed to treat me any way they please. He has always felt sorry for them especially SS because their mother died when he was six years old. He has parented out of guilt and SS knew just how to play him and always has. So I resent DH for allowing his kids to treat me like crap and he resents me because as I nicknamed myself a long time ago, I'm yet again being the BBB - Big Bad Bitch. SS made my life hell for years and I thought him leaving would finally make things better in my marriage. I honestly thought they were better for awhile but now, I'm not so sure if the damage hasn't already been done. Not sure what the future holds anymore...

This is a valid point,

This is a valid point, Dadswifeorwhatever; This is how I handled the same situation: I had told DH that SD56 nor SGD31 could NOT come into our home, unless they showed respect and stopped the passive aggression that had continued for 30+ years. I ask DH to tell them they were not welcome without apologies and respect. These were my boundaries I set for myself, two years ago, after DH and I were separated because of SD. No apology yet, but there is respect now.

Both dropped by our new home for Christmas for a couple of hours. DH had texted them and invited them to stop by for Christmas, without consulting me of course. SGD31 came by one day before Christmas, and SD56 was in town and came by the day after Christmas. They were civil and respectful and visited like there was nothing wrong. I left it all alone and engaged with style, but not warm like it was in the years past. So I handled it well and did not really engage on a personal level. This is the first visit in two years, with me present; they have contact with DH whenever they wish.

With all of this behind me; I will NEVER trust these women or my DH again, where I personally am concerned. I'm not sure how to go forward from here; except to take it as it comes. It is difficult when you have been mistreated for 30+ years and only to find out that you thought you were doing well with the "Brady Bunch Family"; and these women and DH were undermining you all those years (which I just found out 2 years ago).

It is impossible for me to forget the hurt and destruction this whole issue did to our marriage. It is not, nor will ever be, a good marriage. Our marriage is tolerable, only because I have made a life for myself now and walked away from the fairytale ending. DH caused this mess and I know he and SD are narcissist; I have accepted the fact they will never change, they will never apologize, and they will continue to mistreat me behind my back.

Some days I just wonder if hanging on to my 37 year investment is worth it; but I am at the age, I refuse to give up everything I have worked for and begin again. DH and SD are not worth me living in a shelter.

The solution for me, is to let my DH associate with his kids and grandkids and I will take care of myself. I am not beyond throwing them out of my house, if they are not respectful and I have informed DH, I will do just that; I've also informed DH he will be going with them. So we'll see how long this respect lasts. They don't come but half a dozen times a year, and only for a couple of hours each visit. I am thinking I can tolerate this, if they stay in line. If they do not stay in line, they are out of here, via Law Enforcement!

OMGosh! Not five minutes

OMGosh! Not five minutes after writing this above post; my DH's phone beeped with a text. SD56 is in town, staying at SGD31's house; they want to come visit. DH followed my wishes and ask me first if I had a problem with them coming by to visit. I said, "as long as they show the respect they did at Christmas, no problem"; hoping this will be a short visit and they are out of here.

It went well, except for one small stumble on SD's part. She began with the ole' "know it all attitude". I jumped right on it, very civil and low tone and told her "she was stating her opinion without knowing for sure what she was saying were the facts; thus I really didn't want it brought into our home, as we have moved past that story; which by the way we have heard before, but thank you for bringing it up again and let us move to a more pleasant subject." I looked her straight in the eye, smiling the entire time, calm and "I mean business, or you are out of here" attitude/look.

Everyone in the room went dead silent. The subject was changed by SGD31 and SD56 was silent the rest of the visit; which only lasted 45 minutes. The visit was quite nice, it was never discussed between DH and myself after they left, and everyone got the message that I met what I said.

With all of this said, I have to confess, I had mixed myself a hot apple cider and brandy, before they arrived and the words just fell off of my relaxed tongue. I swear I've seen these toxic women more in the past two weeks, since we have moved away from SD, than I had in two years.

I think they were testing the waters and don't think they will be so anxious to stop by after I shut SD down. We'll see how it goes from here. I am so glad I am totally disengaged, I don't feel bad about setting anyone straight and they have been warned.

"Any other thoughts on how to

"Any other thoughts on how to let go of the past hurts so I can be completely disengaged and move forward without getting all pissed of every time I hear their names?"

I also write in a journal and it really helps. As some of the other posters advised, telling them off won't work. They have had a distorted view of the person that you really are - nothing that you do is going to change that. If you tell them off it will only reinforce what they think about you. If you treat them as if they are not worthy of your attention, and do not acknowledge their existence, this delivers a harder blow.

In my opinion, the best thing that works is to log into ST every day. It has reinforced my resolve that I do NOT want SD in my life, and that I am doing the right thing. Time is the key factor in healing from the abuse that they put you through and the feeling of betrayal by your DH. When I first disengaged from SD it was hard to hear her name. Now I have met several women with her name who are nice so I just call her something else. SD's name suggests someone who is sweet and delicate. SD is so far from this image it is too funny to think about.

This works! Stay here on ST

If you respond to them, they

If you respond to them, they get the reaction they are wanting from you. I've never confronted my SD or SGD and I never will. That's not saying it is tempting, because it is very tempting. With that said I will stand my ground in my own home. They will be ask to leave.

My SD56 even wrote me a two page hate email 2 years ago. I printed it out, handed it to DH, and NEVER responded or acknowledged it. I did tell DH to take it up with her and never let that happen again, or I will get a Restraining Order against her. The only reason I had DH take it to her, it involved their betrayal of me and they were both involved and mentioned in the hate email. DH took it up with her; I've never ask what was said between them and don't care; there has been no social media contact from SD since.

I know they love the drama and I would be giving them what they want. Silence is driving them crazy! As for disengaging from my DH, I have done that where SD56 is concerned, but only in that area. I engage with DH concerning anything else but SD and SGD. We don't discuss or mention them between us; we have agreed to disagree in this area. The three of them can go on a 12 month cruise together; I would enjoy the break!

I understand the difficulty

I understand the difficulty in not disengaging from DH along with SKs. For me, most of the problem came from DH's unquestioned acceptance of every sh$tty thing his kids would do and allowing their continued attacks on me personally and our marriage, while heaping all blame for every issue on my shoulders. So the disengagement I was definitely considering started with a capital D and ended with ivorce.

I was working things through with a counselor, and DH went for a few sessions, enough to get some breathing room.

Long story short, I finally said I am off the triangle. That leaves you and your DD connected. You decide if it is going to stay that way.

He stepped up, at least for that situation, but that was the first time he really stepped up and made it clear that I am his wife and he has expectations regarding how I am to be treated. And lo, his DD rose to meet his expectations.

Hard to say how long that will last. But it was huge.

Problem is I cannot tolerate the kind of stress this has generated for the past 3 years any longer. So my mindset is a bit different now.

Hope this helps at all. I feel for ya.

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