In-Laws inviting the ex to Christmas
DH and I have been together for about fours years. He was fairly newly separated when we met, and being the first new partner after the divorce, I was the target for all of BM's rage.
I spent nearly a year getting 300-500 phone calls from her a day, her trying to turn up at my house, trying to contact my family to inform them that I was a filthy little wh*re c*nt who was destroying her marriage, and threatening all sorts of violence (Credibly - domestic violence was the reason for the divorce). It took police involvement to get the stalking to stop.
Ex's theory is that Dh and I must have met before the separation since him leaving because she is a alcoholic frequent family violence offender who brags about her years working smuggling cocaine in her ladyparts.
BM is thoroughly ingrained with DH's family - they're completely familiar with everything that caused the relationship to end, but as far as they are concerned BM is family no matter what and as the mother of their grandbaby any behavior can and will be overlooked. They sided with BM in the divorce, and they've actually told DH that BM is more of a daughter to him than he is a son.
I'm acquainted with my in-laws, but obviously not close given their attitudes about DH's ex and DH re-partnering.
Every year, Christmas is a huge drama.
Our first year, while BM was still in the middle of her absolute worst behavior and DH and I each got two or three hours of her screaming in our voicemail message boxes a day, the in-laws knowing all of this, they decided to invite DH & I, and BM, to their family Christmas. Dh and I declined - unfortunately spineless DH decided to tell his family he really wouuuuulllllddd go, but that I had a problem with it and wouldn't let him as a way of trying to avoid conflict with them. That did as much for the relationship with the in-laws as you would expect, and DH got a slew of lovely messages from them about how immature and pathetic I was for not spending Christmas with a woman I was in the process of seeking a restraining order against, as well as the usual reminder that he needed to break up with me and remarry her.
The next two Christmases, BM was again invited. We declined to attend. DH dropped by for a half hour to say hello to his daughter on each occasion, but wouldn't socialise.
His parents at this point had it made clear-ish, in his very passive gently-gently way, that he (not just me) is uncomfortable with BM continuing to spend family holidays with his parents and that he would not attend if she was invited. Knowing this, they choose two Christmases with BM over seeing their son.
In the lead up to this Christmas, FIL has had a health scare or two.
DH says he just wants to make it work before he runs out of time with his dad, which I understand.
His solution is that I need to get over having an objection to spending Christmas with BM, since his family is never going to stop inviting her to all family functions they throw. That if I don't go, I'm making him choose between me and his family.
I don't know what to do. He thinks I'm being unreasonable. I've stressed he has my blessing to go but that I just can't spend Christmas with his ex.
Help, stalkers. How do I get him to understand how uncomfortable and awful this situation makes Christmas for me, and that it's not unreasonable to not want to go somewhere I'm blatantly not wanted?
Or AM I being unreasonable?
Or AM I being unreasonable?
It amazes me that so many
It amazes me that so many people come here with this problem.
Tell DH that you are not going, not this year, not next year, not ever. If he wants to go then he can.
You are not being unreasonable, You are not making him choose between his family and you. His family is making him choose.
His family has already chosen BM over him. They are the problem and he is as well, trying to shift blame to you.
Who cares if they think you are the problem, they chose BM. Be the biach they think you are, when asked tell them that there is no way you are going to go to a place where you are made to feel unsafe and welcomed.
Best advise I've ever seen
Best advise I've ever seen for this type of situation!↑↑ So true!
Notsobad nailed it!! My
Notsobad nailed it!!
My question is, is there not another day in the month he can go visit his dad?
Nope you are not doing
Nope you are not doing anything wrong, and simply tell DH you will never attend a gathering where BM is at...
Tell DH - your family choose BM over you and yet you want to mingle with them... bull crap why don't you just take BM back then and you all can play happy family.... Your family can stop inviting her, and there's no reason for you to go there over Christmas, you can see your dad on other times of the year, when BM is not there...
but know this - if you go Christmas there, then you are making it very clear to me you choose BM and your family over me and if that's the way you want it, rather tell me straight out
Do you have an active RO
Do you have an active RO against BM? If so... go to the ILs for the holidays and when BM shows up call the police and have her frog marched out of the IL's home in hand cuffs for violating the RO.
I don't get the ILs who retain contact with their kid's X particularly one who was so abusive to their child.
My XILs tried ot keep me in the family fold and for years and I received a Birthday card with $10. Even after I remarried and moved with my bride and SS back to the area where I lived when married to their daughter they repeatedly attempted to get me to bring my family to their home or their ranch for holiday gatherings. I don't think that they had alterior motives, we had been very close while I was married to their daughter. I never accepted their holiday invitations but I did visit their home a couple of times after I was transferred to an office a few blocks from their home and I would run into them periodically at lunch at different restaurants.
Oddly the wedding pics from their daughter and I getting married were still on the walls and book shelves. My FIL would get teary every time we saw each other. He is an extremely devout Catholic and his daughter did not get an annulment. She had two oowl children with her geriatric Fortune 500 executive baby/sugar daddy (he later married her) who she left me for and conceived another with the boyfriend she was cheating on her second husband with before he divorced her. She had her 3rd child oowl and eventually that spermdonor married her. This is all very heart breaking to my XFIL.
Probably more heartbreaking is that my XMIL ended up in Federal prison for embezzlement and the family lost just about everything in a civil suit when the owner of the business my XMIL ripped off sued the family for return of his assets. The settlement was in the high single digit several $Millions of which my XW owed ~2Million when the settlement was reached nearly 10 years ago.
Other than running into my XSIL at a restaurant about 6 years ago I have had no contact with any of them in a dozen years. It took them a very long time to stop sending me birthday cards and holiday invitations. I ignored their overtures for so long that apparently they eventually gained clarity.
If my XW and I would have spawned and I had been forced to have a relationship with her through children I would be hard pressed to tolerate it if my own family continued to engage with my XW. Not that my family would have anything to do with the adulterous whore even if we had produced children.
Firm direct action far out
Firm direct action far out performs ignored toxicity I find. It is the same in my professional world. Flawed implementation of good enough with continuous improvment outperforms delayed perfection every time.
Fair enough.
Fair enough.
Surprise surprise, DH & his
Surprise surprise, DH & his family begged me not to take out the order at the time - I got emails from a half dozen of his family members asking how I could even consider doing such a thing to SD, what having that in place would do to her, and how to be a decent human being I needed to protect SD by letting her mother do absolutely anything to DH & I she wants with no repercussions.
DH was initially seeking his own RO, but quickly decided he could never do such a thing to the mother of his daughter, and begged and badgered me to halt the application for mine for the sake of SD.
Why would you need to get him
Why would you need to get him to understand? He should already understand. Surely, he would not want to be around people who had treated him the same way these people have treated you.
Stand your ground, you are not being unreasonable. DH can go but should not make it a problem if you don't.
Personally, I have not had to deal with this, as my DH will not go where BM is.
Here's the complicated thing
Here's the complicated thing - DH is a very, very submissive man, and would have no problem prostrating himself to win the approval of people who have treated him like his parents have treated me.
DH's grew up like the Boy Named It, but that hasn't deterred him from desperately trying to win his parents approval, so he's earnestly confused as to why other people don't put up with their behavior like he has.
It's really not that
It's really not that complicated. He can put up with whatever he wants, you put up with whatever you want.
If he's that submissive, he's going to be submissive to you as well. It's not ideal but simply tell him YOU are not going to be treated badly or feel unsafe.
I know you'd love for him to grow a spine and stand up for you and himself but you know damn well that he's never going to do that.
You chose to be with a man who is submissive. It should be easy for him to understand that if he's going to stay with you he has to listen to you now.
Don't restrict how much he can see his daughter or his family, that's between them.
Just make it clear that if BM is there you will not be there.
He can be as submissive as he
He can be as submissive as he wants and you can still love him, we all have our warts.
But he cannot make you submissive. Not negotiable.
It's possible he may even learn a thing or two from you, get inspired. Just make it clear he's not dragging you down with him. No fuss, just don't do it.
As for getting ro on skid's mother, so effing what. For a long time I did not want to be the kind of person who called the cops on her own mother but finally crossed that Rubicon. Next came the ro which my brother helped me obtain. So that makes 2 of us who could participate in that. And my sister urged me to get it years before I did. So 3 of us.
No one is looking out for you. It's easy to go nuts in a nest full of gaslighters. You must look out for yourself and if a nest of nuts gets angry you can have roast nuts. So who cares. You look after you.
Your dh ought to disengage
Your dh ought to disengage from his family. One hundred percent he should do that.
But it doesn't sound like he's going to.
Stop arguing with him over this. Come up with a plan for what would make you happy for Christmas that does not include him. Maybe it's spending the day volunteering; treating yourself to a day or two at a snowy lodge with sleigh rides; spending the day cooking all your Gramma's recipes and taking them round to the neighbors; visiting all the church services in a round robin style. Whatever. So long as it would truly be a joy and treat for you.
Then make your plan to do it and just be happy about it.
When he continues to whine and kvetch about the in-laws extravaganza, wish him well with a big smile on your face. But make it clear your plans are made and you have no reason to discuss it further.
It will drive him nuts that you won't argue anymore but that's his problem. He cannot extricate himself from this mess so he needs to triangulate with you to take some of the blame and also help him feel his parents are normal. They aren't. You can't help him with that.
Go have a great time on your own. Either he will go to his crazy parents house or he will tag along beside you. Doesn't matter his outcome--you will be happy. And do not underestimate the power of your happiness on him.
I think it's totally
I think it's totally unreasonable that your DH expect you go too, and even unreasonable for him to go without you.
Your DH needs to put his foot down and say NO, and ya his WIFE comes first and since it's disrespectful of them to invite his EX to both of you, that no he won't be attending.
Clearly they have made it clear who their choice is, so let them have it
With that said, can you & him not go and see the family on a day that the BM won't be there?
My DH & I are struggling with something very similar right now. Namely DH's sister and his daughter constantly inviting BM to DH's family events. And this year for Christmas his daughter is actually trying to pull the same thing, insisting there is a Christmas Brunch at her place (and since BM will be staying at her place in preparation for the baby which will be coming soon) we already know she will be there
The difference is, DH is prepared to say no. We won't attend. His family will miss out on seeing him for Christmas and if they decide that's okay, that BM is more important to them, then they have made their choice and they can live with that
The problem here is definitely not you, and maybe even less his family than DH himself. HE needs to put his foot down and support you. His EX should not be at his family's Christmas dinner
My husband has no problem
My husband has no problem declining invitations to his daughter's house for holidays or birthdays when he knows BM will be there, which is always. We just make plans to see his kids at another time.