Could Use Some Input
Recap: BM took DH to court for custody of twin SS/SD8 so she could relocate 800 miles away for a job she wanted. Her relocation petition was denied and DH has custody during school year and BM has summers and long school holidays.
She bought the twins iPad minis just as she left town in order to keep in touch with them independently of DH's involvement. Twins have been (mostly) using them to keep in touch with her but they're eight... they play games or forget to contact her. BM has put us in a sticky situation with keeping the kids in touch with her. She won't talk with DH about having twins contact her, she won't schedule times to talk to them, but she tells the twins via their iPads when to contact her or when she'll contact them. They forget the arrangement, don't share it, or something is already planned and blah, blah, blah ... the result is accusations that we're preventing twins from keeping in touch with her but she insists on only making those arrangements through the kids.
It's also come to our attention that BM has been trying to convince SS8 that he can move away to live with her. The judge already made a decision about this just a month ago after 4.5 months of litigation. SS8 told us that BM asked him if he would mind moving away from his twin sister, that DH is supposed to talk to the twins about pulling them from school for some cyber school so she could have 50/50 custody, and she and DH will talk about it so it can happen. We've also learned she's encouraging twins to keep secrets from us. We give twins privacy (encourage them to enjoy private FaceTime with her in their room behind closed door), sometimes we can hear her voice all the way on the other side of the house -- she's quizzing kids about our work schedules, to tell her if we "make her twinsies sad," and not tell DH or I that she is asking about us. These calls are often ending with SS8 in tears telling us he can't tell us what's wrong because "it's a secret."
It's worth noting that DH filed for CS today. BM will get the paperwork to schedule a conference in the next two weeks. Cant say DH or I feel particularly good about filing for CS but guess it's the right thing to do. Our household expenses have gone up dramatically and BM isn't covering anything anymore. I'm worried she will use this as an opportunity to turn twins, particularly SS8, against us.
I realize a lot of you have been through this before and we could use some insight from anyone who's already dealt with this. SD8 seems happy as a lark (though, admittedly she misses BM but she's always identified more with DH and/or me and we think she's happy here). SS8 is torn apart and we can't comfort him. BM is already giving us the impression we are going to go back to court again after only just finishing. Ugh... it just never ends...
record her. Seriously, get
record her. Seriously, get screen shots and set up a recorder either on the ipad or in their rooms. Also keep a meticulous diary of events.
THIS!!
THIS!!
These kids are 8. DH should
These kids are 8. DH should be monitoring their activity. He his obligated to have a way to contact the children - a house phone is perfectly acceptable. Personally, those ipads would have an accident real soon.
Safari (internet) has already
Safari (internet) has already been disabled. Twins aren't permitted to use the iPads without asking us first and they have to use hem in a public place of the house unless they are FaceTiming with BM. I hate those iPads and we are trying to responsibly monitor them while not violating the provision in the court order that says twins are allowed "reasonable" communication with her without monitoring.
To be honest, we do look at the iMessages between twins and BM and we've seen she's picking on SS8's vulnerabilities but... what do we do? Can't really admit that we're peeking in but it's not healthy that we don't, either. We definitely try to keep privacy between twins and BM when they are FaceTiming but she's so loud, we can hear her from the other side of the house! I don't like hearing her voice in my home like that but not really given any other options at the moment. Wish those stupid things were never allowed into the house.
Maybe we should get a landline again. We ended that years ago in lieu of cell phones.
^^^ This^^^ SO was checking
^^^ This^^^
SO was checking his skids phones, he ran across several texts that said some pretty interesting things and he had to bring it up to BM, superjew suggestion is right on with her suggestion for dealing with her texts.
Teach the kids that "We don't
Teach the kids that "We don't keep secrets, we keep surprises"
If you google it, it's about keeping kids safe from sexual molestation but it would work in this situation too.
You teach them that there are no secrets, that secrets hurt people but you can keep quite about a surprise.
At 8, your DH should be
At 8, your DH should be reminding them to contact mom, in my opinion. It's not your job to do it.
My SD lived with us from kindergarten to HS graduation. I was a cronic overstepper and made her write letters or draw pictures for a few years. When the mail started getting returned, I simply kept school work, art and photos in manila envelopes.
When SD graduated and BM finally showed up, She was given several office boxes full of those envelopes which she left it her hotel room..still sealed up.
skids are still very young,
skids are still very young, I'm sorry but there will be scheduled calling times on a phone with a speaker, so I can listen what she tells them. I will also take the electronics away, they will have it an hour a day if all homework and chores are done.
Acratopotes has a good
Acratopotes has a good suggestion too, have DH schedule the calls, put phone on speaker and then record the conversations for your court date.