Trying to connect with my Step-Daughter
I'm having trouble connecting with my 12 year old step-daughter. She lives with me and my husband full time (her bio-mom passed away). We didn't know about her until after her mother passed. When my husband and I got married, I had no idea he had another kid out there, and neither did he.
It feels a bit weird having her in our house, because I feel kind of out of place now. She and her dad have really started to connect, which is great. But I'd like to connect with her too. I know how hard this is on her, and she's not a bad kid. I mean I could have easily had a worse step-daughter. She's fairly polite, quiet, and does pretty well in school.
I'm busy with work most of the time. Really only getting Saturdays and Sunday's off. So often I don't really have a lot of time. But when I do... it's hard for me to spend it with her because we have these awkward silences. Like neither one of us knows what to say. I think she thinks I don't like her very much--which isn't true. It's partly my mom's fault. She doesn't like her, and I have no idea why (my mom usually likes kids). My mother was pretty rude to her at Christmas last year, when she asked for a cookie. I don't think that helped any, and she probably thinks I'm saying bad things about her to my mom. Which isn't true. But even before that, we weren't really close or anything.
Sometimes I just don't know what to say to her, or how to talk to her. I mean I have nieces her age, and I can talk to them just fine. But when I talk to her... it's just awkward.
I'm not sure how to go about connecting with her or talking to her. Any advice for me, from experienced step-parents? Or even experienced biological parents? (I do have three bio kids, but they're all under 4)
Why in the World would your
Why in the World would your mother not like her? Even if she doesn't like her, your mother is an adult and she should be able to be empathetic to a child who lost the only parent she knew. This all must be very traumatic to her, losing her mother, inheriting a family (three new little siblings, wow!)
Have you tried simple bonding exercises, like getting manicures together, seeing a girly pg-13 movie (or even watching one at home together), or taking your nieces and her shopping for Halloween costumes, shoes, clothes etc. Developing a common interest may be the way to go -- music, a tv show, something that the two of you can talk about.
I am sure she is uncomfortable with the whole situation too, I am guessing new school, etc too. This can't be easy for her either.
It is great you want to try and it will be a real gift to her as you become more comfortable with each other. I am glad she is starting to bond with her dad -- that will help too.
Blessings.
I really don't know why my
I really don't know why my mother doesn't like her--aside from the fact that she's not my daughter, but she's my husband's.
I've fried a few things, but she doesn't have a lot of interests outside of art. She's really talented at drawing. And I don't just mean for a 12 year old. I don't think she's into getting her nails done yet (I asked her if she wanted to come with me once, but she said no. Not sure if it was because it was me, or if she just wasn't interested in it.) I don't think I've ever taken her to a movie where her dad didn't come too. Then again, we've only went to see one movie. I just don't have time to see a movie most of the time. Music might be something we have in common, though she doesn't listen to a lot yet. She likes some of the same artists I like. Thanks for the reccomendations!
I think it helped a lot that when she started a new school, she was starting middle school. Which meant a lot of kids were starting a new school. That first summer when she came to live with us though was pretty rough. She lived with her grandparents on her bio mom's side until they proved conclusively that my husband was her father. Then she moved in with his mom--we all agreed that it'd be easier for her to adjust to it all, after losing her mom, if we waited until school let out for her to come and live with us. (We live in a different state, but his mom lives in the same area as her other grandparents, so she didn't have to change schools). She didn't really have any friends until school started, but at least she's started to make some now.
I hope we can find some way to bond. I mean if something ever happened to my husband (fingers crossed that it never happens) then I'd be her primary caregiver. I'd also like to build a relationship with her because I think it'd be less awkward around the house for both of us.
I have a question... did you
I have a question... did you jerk a knot in your toxic mother's tail feathers when she was rude to your SD? If not... why not? I think that you need to chew mom up and spit her out and demand that she either appologize and behave as an adult or ... write mommy off and give this kid your loyalty.
Your mother has not earned your loyalty IMHO. Not with behavior like that toward a recently orphaned 12yo.
If I treated people in a
If I treated people in a toxic manner I would agree with you. I do not tolerate toxic behavior nor do I perpetrate it. Two very different things entirely.
That is awful advice. You
That is awful advice.
You know that your mother doesn't like your SD, so keep the kid away from her. Do not create a shit storm with your mother over a kid that will be out of your life if your marriage ever ends.
You can't force your SD to have a relationship with you. You can not force your mom to have a relationship with your SD.
Fortunately I won the mom
Fortunately I won the mom lottery. My mom would not treat a recently orphaned 12yo like this woman did.
And ... if she did... I would not tolerate that type of behavior from my mother.... and neither would my wife.
No one should.
Why the hesitance to nail toxic behavior from an adult to the wall? Even if that adult is the OP's mother.
I talked to my mother in
I talked to my mother in private about how she was acting. I know my SD isn't her grandchild, and I don't expect her to feel that way. Though I do look at how my mother-in-law treats her adopted grandchildren (my husband's sister adopted three kids) and wish she could learn from her. I know it's not quite the same--adoption vs step parenting. But she could at least try a little harder to be nice.
She basically said she
She basically said she doesn't see why she has to be nice to my husband's 'illegitimate child'. I get the feeling she doesn't like the fact that my husband had a child he never knew about, and she blames him for not knowing about her even though it's not his fault. And it's certainly not her fault either.
My mom... takes spells liking
My mom... takes spells liking my husband or not liking him. We've known each other for a really long time. I mean we dated in high school. I was a junior, and he was a senior. My mom absolutely HATED him back then, because he taught me to let loose and have fun. Then he went off to college, and we broke up. We both dated other people, but always stayed in touch. Sometimes we'd hook up when both of us weren't seeing anyone, and eventually we got back together on a permanent basis in his last year of college. Then we got married, had kids, and since then my mom has been on and off on him. Sometimes she'll say that he's basically a good guy (because he really is), and other times she'll think he's bad for me. (I make more money than him--and she thinks I'm too good for him because of it. She liked my sisters ex-husband much better, even though he was a total douche, but he made plenty of money. I think she thinks he's not intellectual enough.)
It's stupid for her to even blame him for this--it's not like he knew that he got a girl pregnant. She didn't even try to contact him. Even after she found out that he was the father, and not the guy she thought was. Even if my husband did have a kid when we got back together, we still would have. I've always thought we were perfect for each other. He's one of the wronged parties here, just as SD is.
Do things with her that
Do things with her that require a task.
Cook dinner or make cookies or something. Decide to make some errands together and go get lunch, including her in the decisions.
I don't force my SD12 to talk but do create situations sometimes that require interactions. You may have it a bit different than some of us here in that it's new for both you and your husband. Make sure you two talk about expectations and parenting now! Get on the same page.
Keep her away from your mother until your mother is talked to....you did stick up for your SD? Make sure your SD understands you are not your mother.
It's like getting to know a new person. Be nice, set boundaries and invite her along now and then.
Making cookies sometime might
Making cookies sometime might be a good idea. My husband usually cooks dinner. Things that require a task sounds like a good idea though.
I try keeping her away from my mom. It's not always easy--because my mom comes to visit, and it's not like we can just ship her off to her friend's house or something like that. And when we go visit my mom, we'd have to drive out of the way to drop her off at one of her grandparents places (though my husband wants to cut back her visits to her bio-mom's grandparents, because they've not been good influences lately). I can't really ask my mom not to visit when she's got three grandchildren who live with us. I think that'd make her hate my SD even more.
I think my husband's been a
I think my husband's been a pretty good father to her. She hasn't really acted out much. I think the worst she's done is call me a bitch once, which he made her write a one page apology for. Her grades are up from when she was in elementary school. I think he's a great dad. Over the summer they spent time working on her studies so she could get ahead. I'm sure it'll get harder once she reaches her teenage years.
She did have a step-father. But as soon as he found out that she wasn't his, he left. She hasn't seen him in 5 years. She was living with her mom's parents at one time, but my husband thinks that it'd be a bad idea for her to stay with them. They're older, and unable to take care of a 12 year old, and they're not a particularly good influence. They make her do things she doesn't want to do--and neither of us feel that she should have to. I also don't think I could be okay with myself if we let her live with her grandparents, and it did anything to hurt the relationship she's building with her dad. Especially since my husband didn't have a good relationship with his own father.
I'm sure part of her resents me a little. But she's a really good kid. I know it's not been easy on her.
Yeah, she's definitely doing
Yeah, she's definitely doing pretty well considering everything that's happened. She's always been pretty independent from what I understand. She did more for her mom than her mom did for her. Her dad has been really good at helping her too. She nearly failed 5th grade, so he decided he would go over everything with her over the summer. Every day they'd spend about an hour on a subject, and her grades went up. He said he'll do the same when our kids start to school. (Our oldest two start pre-school next year)
I mean she still has moments of outbursts. And I'm pretty sure she still has nightmares about the whole thing. But she's doing pretty good considering everything that's happened.
Taking her to some sort of show might be a good idea. I know her dad's wanting to take her to a football game. I guess maybe I should watch what he does with her to get ideas for things we can do together. Because he's bonded with her really well.
I don't care if it's the
I don't care if it's the pope, do not allow an adult in your home to treat any kid poorly or snippishly. Would have been best if you had acted in the moment - maintain order in YOUR home as well as show the child you are her champion.
Can't go back in time but please keep that in mind for the next time.
Do talk to your mom. Tell her she has her own values and you respect that but in your home your highest value is LOVE. And you intend to love the child and you need Mom to support you in that.
My father died when I was close to this girl's age. Do not underestimate her grief. She can be withdrawn, fragile, overwhelmed, frightened. Probably is. May be covering it over as best she can, trying to survive in a dramatically new world.
My advice is take her places and do things with her withOUT giving her the choice. Just say, "Hey, Melinda, we're going to the salon now, hop in!" She is afraid to say "yes" to going because it is yet another frightening new experience in an uncomfortable circumstance. Don't force her to take responsibility for such a choice.
A good friend of mine who is an astonishingly fabulous mother once told me "children are attracted to sure-footedness." If anyone ever needed evidence of terra firma, it is this child.
Other ideas you can do together:
Ice skating lessons
Painting classes (let her teach you, too, since she sounds like she will be better at it!)
Volunteer together at animal shelter (my dh does this with his daughter)
Dog agility (if you have a dog -- this can be an utter blast)
Those are just some examples. Bottom line, she is in an excellent position to come to like you because she is old enough to do some fun girl things with you that the other kids are way too small for. You can really be her special buddy and she yours. I think it could be great for both of you if you can get this working.