Ok first of all, wow that sucks, so sorry you are being basically attacked on all fronts. Second now I'm even more scared about what else I get from my SDs down the road. Your frustration and anger are justified, my SDs are self centered little b##chs as well but at least their mother knows it, your DH seems oblivious and the fact that he threw you under the bus is even worse. I would have to say disengage from her entirely, have nothing more to do with her, it would suck for the Grandkids but at least you wouldn't have to put up with her anymore. As for DH I am without answers on that front, what a jerk.

Oh my god. All of that is just no. Run like hell and start a new life you deserve!

My advice to is to take half his pocketbook on the way out.
The text you mentioned is what would do it for me. To not stick up for me or to at least mention that relationships are a two way road is shit*y to me, things like that can get under my skin and while I may heal I would never be able to forgot what he did.
If you don't hit the road for your own sake never ever ask her for shi* again. While that means no grandson, disengaging is for your own mental health and mental health should never be put on the line for anyone.

Girl, I want you to think. Imagine your daughter came to you and said, "My husband sat next to his wife at the wedding I helped pay for!" "My husband is saying nasty things about me behind my back." What would your advice be? What would you encourage her to do?
You are a woman of worth and right now, you're being treated like trash. You were used and discarded. Are you in a position where you could support yourself if you needed to?

How DH, BM and SKs will use (and abuse) SMs is beyond me. This is something that I'm afraid of and something that has come to pass for many SMs--you are literally the 2nd wife. And, just like the biblical, polygamous 2nd wife, you are to bow down and cater to the first wife, DH and any of their children.

I know this is probably hard to hear, as it seems you have been trying for years and years to keep everything together, but the reality is none of them have much appreciation for all you have done, including your DH. I'd get to counseling NOW, if anything for yourself to sort this out. To pay for someone's wedding and not even be allowed in a picture--I've never heard of such a thing! (Oh, wait! I have--that actually happened to me too!)

Manipulative controlling BM (often replaced or joined by a manipulative, controlling adult SK) and weak, enabling DH = Step Hell. The only way out is to put your foot down, hold it there and don't even blink, and look out for yourself.

The sad thing is, this has gone on for years, and you probably put up with it because that is what everyone was telling you--suck it up and take it. In reality, that approach just enabled this process to continue. And now, everyone else is getting what they want, but not you.

Agree with everybody.

Tell him he doesn't have to put up with your mood swings any more. Serve him and be gone.

It's inexcusable that he talks about you behind your back like that. He should be telling that girl not to talk about his wife that way, let alone participating in it.

It may sound scary but I promise you you will be so much happier. You are not losing anything and you will gain everything.

you asked if anyone has been thru this? NOPE not me, (but you are not alone, I can say that)

You really seem like a generous and kind woman. TOO kind. You think after you paid hand over fist for another woman's AND mans adult kids wedding, you think you would be treated with a shred of kindness 'after the fact".?

It will not happen today, nor tomorrow since it didn't happen before. Stop waiting for it...................

I am sorry---cut your looses with this and grab a few close friends and take a fabulous trip to Tour Italy----that is what I would do. OR at least a cruise to the Caribbean in the spring after this awful storm. Hubby can stay with his adult kids OR maybe his ex.

You go girl!--"seriously kick his ass out and go knock the shit out of his daughter." You, go live a refined life and let the conniving, manipulative, back-stabbing, trailer trash all shack up together and give 'em all their dream of being one big happy family. Without you around to blame for everything, they'll start turning on each other soon enough.

P.S. wicked's advice, above, is much better, but, what the heck .

I can relate to this. I won't go into detail but the feeling of betrayal must be overwhelming for you right now. Some of the other posters have suggested you see a counselor - I totally agree. I did, by myself and it made the biggest difference!

You don't even have to bring up the text you read on his phone. The fact that it was OK with your DH for you to sit in the back during the wedding and that he seems to think it is OK that you were not in any of the wedding pictures - you paid for - is totally inexcusable and low. You will never regain the trust and respect you once had for this jerk, but you may be able to rebuild the marriage. I would give your DH the choice of 'honestly' working on the marriage or going to live with SD. It might be a good idea for him to go, even temporarily, so you have time to collect your thoughts.

If you decide to remain married there should be boundaries set before allowing this man into your life again. This includes no contact with SD until DH can inform her in your presence, that she is to treat you with respect as his wife. Also, that you are to be paid back for all of the money you spent for the wedding before either one is allowed in your home.

That's a good start. Glad you gave him some clarity.

But how could he defend his own actions? Especially coming back with "you're overreacting?!!"

That is a trick my own sd uses and she learned it from her insidious mother. It is a weapon to cut someone down to size. You know, in all my life I have never said that to anyone now that I think about it. So how can this 17 year old have said it so many countless times in her short life? There really is no good reason to say that to anyone.

My dh has never said it to me, either. And believe me, he has viewed some things differently than I have. But if I express my upset, hurt, fury over something that he failed to even notice, he never invalidates me. Never.

Yours shouldn't either.

Like Sandye, I had a very similar situation.

Agree with other posters, go see a counselor on your own...it will help keep your head clear.

One thing that helped me and maybe DH was to not make it about the SKs - he did not want to look at their dysfunction, would not, could not. And their behavior is on them, anyways. So it was about us - our marriage, our relationship. And My focus became on how we should not tolerate ANYONE splitting us, insulting or being rude to or about our partner, or generally working to destroy our marriage.

And I also said that while it is his kids doing it today, it could be someone else doing it tomorrow, and it was up to us to honor our vows to put each other first, especially since SKs are all adults with their own relationships.

It is easy to just tell someone else to leave their marriage. But if you love your partner and the only issue is from SKs, then it may be worth trying to see if you can set the boundaries where they need to be...around you and DH.

Best wishes. It is awful.

However, setting boundaries is difficult if your dh refuses to see his dc as dysfunctional. In my case is was so much easier to point the finger at me, instead of his high school dropout, alcoholic, son who has problems with anger management and holding any type of relationship. He has moved so many times I have lost count, for so many reasons: can't get along with room mates, people walking to hard on the floor on top of his free condo his daddy let him live in, person walking a dog across the road and children playing during the day.

Yet, I was made the scapegoat. If you can set boundaries, go for it. If you can't, consider setting them for you against your dh and sks.

I’m usually not into multi-posting on any one topic, but this one got to me. I can give you a good example of how “solve your problem” and “shift the burden to them” worked for me.

I was treated like major-league trash at SD’s wedding two years ago (I swear I am still getting flashbacks several times a day ). Despite both of us paying for ½ of the wedding, neither DH nor I were included in anything prior to the wedding. So, we just assumed we’d be treated as husband and wife because we are husband and wife. I’m not going to go into too much detail, other than to say that the entire wedding was scripted to make it look as tho. my husband was still married to his ex-, and I do mean scripted. Even the minister was in on it, walking up to my husband, and telling him to take BM’s hand and walk her down the aisle. My DH had no clue this was going to go on! At the time, DH and I had been married for 13 years (longer than him and his ex-), and I thought we all got along.

However, I’ll cut to the point. AFTER THAT, I told husband there was no way I was going to SS’s wedding. I told him I didn’t have an issue with SS and even loved his fiancé. But, there was no way I was going to go thru that again—being Shanghaied up the wazoo. I told him, “They are your children and you have to deal with these issues, but I don’t.” DH ended up not going to SS’s wedding. You see, I made their problems, THEIR PROBLEMS! It was completely my husband’s choice not to go, and I even encouraged him to go alone.

From now on, I alone will decide which events I will go to. DH admitted to me that at SD’s wedding he just fell into the role of being ex-‘s husband (which meant she got to whip his ass, because she is one major-league asswhipper) without even thinking about it!? Yeah, well thank you for the lesson—your fear of ex- is greater than your concern for me. SO, I’m free now. I am still married to DH and we still have fun. But, when it comes to SKs, ex-, he is stuck dealing with all of that now. His family’s problems are THEIR PROBLEMS. And, look, it already resulted in dad not going to his own son’s wedding. God only knows what is in store for any future family events for them, but the burden is all on them now. I have solved my SK/ex- issue, as far as I’m concerned. Hopefully a SM story with a happy ending?! :?

The wedding would have been the very last straw for me; what kind of respect did anybody give you and you paid for it?

And, nothing has changed, it appears. I would tell husband off, as my first step and I would explain I planned to have NOTHING more to do with this woman, or he can pack and leave. Disengage from everything, immediately including the grands....go to nothing, do nothing, say nothing about them; they just died in your life--to you. Tell him you never want to discuss them again, and stick with it!

If you do not disengage fully now and stick with it, you will be miserable and want to divorce anyway. How horrible of your husband, I know mine has talked behind my back too; but now he knows HE ruined our relationship by doing so, at least. I know he does less of it now, but it is too late. I do not blame them--I blame him!

There is discussion about making the marriage first priority and it SHOULD be. However, if your DH is not on board for this, you need to make YOU top priority until he adjusts his attitude toward your marriage. If he can not change his perspective on the importance of the marriage you still have to do what is best for you. If I was in your place, DH would be apologizing profusely or he would be out the door.

My DH never informed SD that his marriage was his top priority so I had to make myself my own priority. We are still together and have a fairly good marriage because his attitude has changed drastically from what it was when SD was a regular visitor to our home. He knows if we live in a mutually respectful environment it is good for the marriage and for him.

During the ceremony my DH sat with his ex and by with, I mean next to each other.

telling her that he is "so sorry that you have had to "put up" with her mood swings, she's just that way, don't worry sweetie, daddy will always be there for you and your little family".

Your husband is an ass. Unless some things change, I would make sure that none of them have to "put up" with my mood swings ever again.

I agree the focus has to be about the marriage and you need your husband on board for that. He has to understand what he has done is wrong wrong wrong, it is disrespectful to you and the marriage. As husband and wife you have to have each others back, the children need to know that the marriage comes first, he needs to start showing this and it is an absolute NO NO to ever say what he did to his daughter about you, it creates dysfunction in the whole family. You need to clearly point this out to your husband and the fact that you will not tolerate it,set clear boundaries.

I too have felt betrayed in my marriage when I saw a text conversation between DH and SD , the topic being my son. We did resolve it, but clear boundaries were set and he definitely knew I meant it when I told him our marriage would be over if changes weren't made.

I would disengage from your SD and concentrate on both your marriage and yourself. Good Luck.