DH extended family issues
I had posted over in the adult children section before I found this.
The short story is that DH and I have been living together 12 yrs, married 9. We each have 3 kids, all adults now (youngest 26) but do your arithmetic and see we started with two 14 year olds, and then we had two starting college, one older, one 16 who stayed with BD when I moved 30 miles away to move in with DH.
DH's extended family gave us a warm welcome and inclued my kids in all family gatherings initially, but within months we started feeling like outsiders. All of us were invited to all family functions--weddings, dinners, etc--for all these years. My kids initially went to the holiday dinners, etc but as they got older they avoided them because they felt like outsiders, and no one liked them, and it continued getting worse. My middle daughter, who is very sweet (had lived with bd above) once we reestablished our relationship started going to all family functions and always was sweet and warm.
About a year ago we moved back to where I am from, about 25 miles from DH's family. I was talking with my daughters and they BOTH (including the sweet one) told me how much they hate going to DH's family things because they really feel uncomfortable. DD said she only goes for me and she hates going. At that point, 12 years in, I gave all of them permission not to go. This one went to all family weddings, the other went to some but not all. We also invited all of DH's extended family to my DD's wedding and only a few came - just his DS & DBIL, and one of their sons with his BF.
Fast forward to last week - the couple from DDs wedding got married and invited 250 people, and the entire extended family EXCEPT MY KIDS! I didn't realize because I hadn't asked my my kids, so I went (I wouldn't have had I known). I found out afterwards and had a meltdown that I'm still recovering from. This is right after I invited DH's entire extended family to DD's graduation/law school admission party and NO ONE CAME!!!! and DSIL (mother of the groom) didn't even send her a f*cking card!!!!! The excuse "DD1 might have said something many years ago that made groom think she was anti-gay". What BS!! There were many people there who had gay-bashed for many, many years until the groom came out!! and my DD is NOT anti-gay. Even in high school one of her best friends was a gay guy, and he wasn't a "token gay" but a true friend!!
SO I am hurt & heartbroken, both by the "dissing" and by the fact that there wasn't the slightest common courtesy of just contacting us (or DH) and at least telling us, and saying they feel really badly but the groom was adamant that DD can't come because of that. I would do that to ANYONE I had to treat like that, it's basic courtesy & respect.
I posted over on the adult children's forum and was pretty well put in my place, told that stepchildren DON'T get invited, and get over it and accept reality. But my children have ALWAYS been included until now.
I am heartbroken, because the behavior says to me that DH's family doesn't give a sh*t about any of us, including me. Even if you say that my kids are stepkids and expect zero, I am the brother's wife and everyone agreed that is different, I am FAMILY, not stepfamily. Yes, I was invited (obviously) but the absolute lack of consideration for how this would look and how i might feel???? that says it all.
DH is standing up for us in expressing my hurt. He decided not to go the upcoming family dinners for Rosh Hashonah on his own, without me saying anything other than of course my mom & I aren't going. He wasn't sure about the Yom Kippur dinner, and I asked him not to go. There is a family wedding in November that all of us were invited to, for DSIL2's daughter (this wedding was DSIL1 who also blew off DD's graduation, DSIL2 sent a card & gift card) and DH gave me a pass to not go. He is only going to make a brief appearance, to stand in for his brother, who died two years ago and would have been the bride's father. He says after that he will leave.
I know it's very important to DH for me to get along with his family, but all the years of feeling like outsiders (and I felt the same way as my kids, no matter how social I tried to be and how hard I tried to fit in), the many times my kids' special celebrations were blown off with excuses and no acknowledgments, have built up a lot of anger and bitterness and I don't see how I can. This wedding and the demonstrated not giving a shit about any of us was the last straw, but this has been building up.
I get "expect nothing, they are stepkids" which might explain the outsiders and the blowing off their special things and stuff I found insulting - things dissing my kids and granddaughter - but this wedding thing appears to me like a huge slap in the face to me personally and I don't know if I can get past it.
I can't change anyone's behavior but my own, but I can choose not to associate with people who treat me in a hurtful, dismissive manner, which is how his family treats me AND my children.
Comments welcome.
There is no way the OP is the
There is no way the OP is the problem here; she tried, just like a lot of us of tried. Maybe she tried too much, just like a lot of us.... A lot of us really want it to work; we work hard at something that does not work. It is crazy, I agree, but we do it for our husbands and yes, ourselves, to have healthy feelings and happiness. Sometimes you are accepted initially, but then jealousy rears its ugly head and it festers. As it grows, you begin to feel less and less accepted until you are no longer welcome, even if you are physically present.
I understand what she is saying; after years of my daughter watching others be acknowledged with gifts etc at Christmas, birthdays, and receiving nothing; she decided she was done too. My mistake is that I never thought these people would treat others like this...my mistake, indeed. I tried and believed---wayyyy too long.
Oh, one of mine got married too and my daughter was not invited either to the wedding; actually it was no surprise. We neither one attended and we were both happy not to be where we were not wanted, anyway . :-). The invite was not really an invitation to me either.
From reading her post, it
From reading her post, it sounds like talking with somebody maybe the least of the problems; people know when they are being excluded. They know when they are being excluded on purpose. If the OP did not care and did not want to be part of this family tree, why would she have ever engaged in the first place?
People change, maybe we all do, but I agree..having no expectations is the easiest way to live with skids; you cannot be disappointed if you expect NOTHING.
My kids WERE interested and
My kids WERE interested and tried. They were frozen out. Stop saying my kids did nothing, they went above and beyond to try to belong for many years. One of my daughters CONTINUED to go to the family events probably through this year.
Bless you!!!!!!! That is
Bless you!!!!!!! That is exactly what happened. None of my children has ever received a single bday gift from DH's family, although I went out of my way for a couple of years, till I wised up, to give all six nieces and nephews nice gifts. Their chanukah gifts, if any, were dollar store trinkets while the other kids got nice things, including from us, again which I bought. Just one example of many.
Canyouhelp's post could be mine.
I allowed myself to be a doormat and put dh's family before my own children because I wanted so much to be accepted and part of the family.
My kids went to family events for many, many years in spite of continually being the outsiders. They tried to interact, were always appropriate, and were always ignored after token interactions. How long should I force them to put themselves in uncomfortable situations? Five years? Six?
And honestly, there would be much less hurt had DSIL or the groom WASTED five minutes calling me or DH and saying "we aren't inviting your kids because they don't come to family functions". I wouldn't have been happy, but I would have completely understood. There is so little respect and caring for us that they didn't even do that, and I think it's that which hurts as much as, or more than, the exclusion!
Bless you too Erdoran... It
Bless you too Erdoran... It is a horrible situation to be in just trying to be accepted. .When you get into a "relationship" you wish to belong; it is a basic human need, even before the need for food, etc. Everybody wants to belong; it is normal and not a high expectation.
For years I told myself I was being selfish that I should be able to go and never expect them to acknowledge either me or my daughter, for anything ever--watching all others open gifts. Then I started thinking about how my daughter must be feeling and that's when I decided I/we have had enough; she had asked why she had to go before but being the idiot I was. I did not want to be rude...totally done. It became clear they were enjoying this scenerio over and over We were there in name only and nobody wanted us there, I do not think my husband even wanted us there. He knew we were being excluded, so he never mentioned it. Now...we are not there..:-). We are both so much happier.
I only expected them to only be civil and reasonable; that is all. Nobody expected anybody to roll out the red carpet for us but being dead weight taking up space-- hanging out watching the worship show of those who matter most, was not reasonable at all-- for anybody to expect. You could say their expectations were wayyyyy too low, possibly..lol.
That is not a high expectation, it is a normal one.
I feel sorry for you. It is not easy to experience these growing pains. You will stop caring eventually. It is true you have to have zero expectations to not be disappointed. Stop trying, stop caring, stop going..write it off like it is, nothing to you.
"And yet, stepkids will be
"And yet, stepkids will be told to be polite and behave and be respectful. Huge double standards here."
I think everyone in the whole wide world should be polite and behave and be respectful. Why would it be a double standard to expect that from a stepkid? Don't you expect that from your bio kid(s)?"
Meh. Weddings are different
Meh. Weddings are different from barbeques. I don't think she thinks her kids are special, I think she feels that she hasn't been accepted by her partner's family, and she's hurt by that.
Some people think that going through social motions - like sending and receiving cards, exchanging gifts and wedding invitations - can take the place of meaningful relationships.
But most relationships aren't meaningful. They're just cordial. It's boring, nobody feels very important or engaged, but it's a huge part of life.
The OP's kids are adults. I'm betting they weren't invited because there's no personal 'click' with the bride/groom/host. As children, they were automatically considered as part of the family made up of OP and her husband. That's changed now.
Being polite is the bare beginning of human contact. That would include avoiding being unnecessarily aggressive, even online.
Well, superjew, save the
Well, superjew, save the dates went out six months ago or more, DH & DSIL (mother of groom) talk several times a week, and she was always filling him in on wedding details. I hardly think that is "drop everything in the middle of wedding planning and give a personal phone call", do you? Do you think ONCE during the many, many hours they spent on the phone over that time period talking about the wedding, something could have been said?
Or am I being unreasonable and expecting "special treatment"? It seems to me that is just common courtesy.
Well, let's see....so if she
Well, let's see....so if she said nothing I wouldn't know, right?
And common courtesy and respect don't apply to me, clearly. That is another reason I am angry, that she was so rude! She absolutely knew it would be hurtful because of a conversation we had in a different situation. When you KNOWINGLY hurt someone, a decent person would try to at least soften the blow, or explain. To say nothing in my eyes shows how they feel about me. So now I know. The mask is off.
I actually didn't know, as I had said, and felt like an idiot when I found out because I wouldn't have gone. I just assumed my kids were busy with the studies and DD working two jobs and weren't planning to go. Lesson learned.
My kids went for years in
My kids went for years in spite of being repeated dissed.
PS - DH's kids NEVER EVER
PS - DH's kids NEVER EVER EVER WENT to family functions!!!!! The middle was angry at this family for years because of the divorce and cut off all contact. The oldest lives hundreds of miles away. The youngest did show up sometimes, but intermittently. I think there was even a time when the only kids from my marriage who were there were mine.
My DD was excluded because the groom thought she might be anti-gay. SHE IS NOT! The groom & his husband were at her wedding (the only ones from that generation, I might add). If they thought she was anti-gay why would they go to her wedding? And that's something else that's upsetting, I think the anti-gay thing is a lie and I am NOT stupid!!!! and hate being treated as if I am - give her some socially-acceptable excuse to shut her up.
PPS All three of DH"s kids were invited, including the one who, along with DH, used to make very nasty anti-gay remarks until this cousin came out. I have never heard anything anti-gay out of my daughter's mouth, which is another nail in the coffin.
My kids went for many years
My kids went for many years and tried and tried and tried and tried.
DH and I each have kids from
DH and I each have kids from our first marriages, none together.
What made my kids uncomfortable at family gatherings was that they would engage with DH's family, or would be greeted politely and would respond politely, and try to engage, there would be minimal chitchat, and then DH's family would huddle with each other and ignore my kids. This went on for several years. All of them felt like DH's family didn't like them and was just being polite. Each, separately, said almost exactly the same thing. The sad thing is that it mirrored exactly how I felt around his family.
As far as taking time out from busy wedding planning to contact me? Well, save the dates were sent out six months ago. DH and DSIL speak several times a week. She told him all about wedding planning throughout. Is it unreasonable to expect during one of these conversations, her to say "I just want you to know groom decided not to invite the stepkids, because xxxx. I hope erdoran isn't hurt, I know she's sensitive about her kids because we had discussed it in a different context." How unreasonable is that? He got told "the wedding is very inclusive, couple is inviting all friends and family on both sides" among other things.
And once again, how hard should skids try and for how long? Is over the course of perhaps 5 years at every family gathering enough, or should it be longer? How long as a mother do you force children into situations which are probably damaging to their self-esteem? I went home from those events feeling like sh*t, hurt & angry at my treatment, how much worse would it have been for my children? I have forced myself to go for 12 years for DH's sake, dreading every moment.
They probably wouldn't have
They probably wouldn't have wanted to come, other than my youngest, who THOUGHT that the groom was the only family member who liked her. It's the message it sent, followed by the rude way I feel we were treated by not being given a heads up or explanation during DH's and DSILs many, many, many conversations about wedding planning.
I would have had ZERO problem (or almost zero) if it was explained that since they don't come to family functions they wouldn't be invited. I would have been a little hurt but ok. It's the way this was handled, followed by what I consider a lie about the reason after the fact, that is hurtful.
then I am the rude one. Oh
then I am the rude one. Oh well, I'm the a**hole in this situation, and every other one, anyway. Pile it on, I deserve it!! I can either be a doormat and get continually overlooked and ignored and treated however, or speak up and be rude.
Sounds like you have a high
Sounds like you have a high expectation....if you expect your skids are going to help you care for hubby one day.
Good luck with that!
No one no one is owed a
No one no one is owed a wedding invitation. In any event, a line needs to be drawn to keep the guest count at the target number. With the way you are posting, I don't blame your SIL for not telling you. Look at it this way, you are winning, because you are succeeding in influencing your husband to stay away from the horrid people who have done your adult kids wrong.
I was being tongue in cheek.
I was being tongue in cheek. ;). I think she is way over reacting. Way.
This is a long-standing issue
This is a long-standing issue here on step-talk, and in some ways, isn't really a step-issue, although I see where the OP is coming from. It is maybe more an issue of someone a relative thought should have been invited to a wedding, wasn't. Happens with non-steps too.
I think sometimes step-moms who have been putting up with this for years and years, and whose advice I definitely love and appreciate (don't get me wrong!), forget that for some step-moms, even if they have been married a while, what a shock it is when you get that first all out pie-in-the-face. Sure, maybe after a couple of years and dealing with it and thinking it thru and coming to sites like this, you may come to realize that your expectations were a little high. BUT, when it initially happens, what you see as that snub of all snubs, it really hurts, and it hurts bad.
I'm sure the OP thought they all got along, and then all of a sudden, boom!, her kids aren't invited to a wedding she thought they should have been invited to. I know for some of us, the thought may be she was expecting too much. But, clearly for her, this was an expectation, and, to her, she and her family got slammed, and it hurts.
Since every situation is different, OP will have to figure out for herself how she wants to deal with all of this. Best of luck to you, erdoran, and I give you a lot of credit for posting this twice! If anything, you are brave.
My advice: Some say, It’s the Bride’s “special” day and she can screw whomever she wants. I say, OK, but in the long run the one who the bride might wind up screwing the most, may be her very self.
A wedding isn't a barbeque,
A wedding isn't a barbeque, honey. But, nowadays, maybe that is what youngn's think. Wedding = big party, me showing everyone up, getting my way on everything, providing more free booze than Emily did for her wedding, etc. Oh yeah, and bring on the roasted pig! I'm looking forward to trashing my dress ($5,000 gown) by dipping it in the barbeque sauce after the last lush has left.
IF you were my best friend in
IF you were my best friend in the world I would say : HEY, the kids are not little kids they are now adults. YOU are over reacting a lot. It does not matter if the Bride and Groom had 500 people.
Now I am going to pose this question to you,,,are your adult kids sending them a card and wedding gift? I bet that answer is a big no..................
LET IT GO and learn to not expect anything from anyone and you will be happier.