DH extended family advice - excluding my children but including his
Hi, this is my very first post here and sorry to introduce myself by whining, but I really need advice.
I've been married to DH for 9 years. We each have 3 adult children from previous marriages, all of whom are now on their own. All were teenagers/early 20's when we got married.
I don't have any extended family, while DH has a large family who are very close. Things seemed to start great when we first were married and then something happened, I have no idea what, and his sister started distancing - this was years and years ago. She's always behaved properly and appropriately, but the warmth was gone. My kids never felt comfortable in the larger extended family, and would always end up huddling together in a corner. After years of forcing them to go I gave up forcing. At least they were invited to family functions, weddings, etc. I also felt uncomfortable but did my best to interact, even though I would be the "invisible guest" in the room - people would politely respond to my appropriate comments, then ignore me - repeat until I gave up and shut up.
So fast forward to yesterday - there was a family wedding with 250 guests for a first cousin on DH's side. All his children (bio-cousins of the groom) were invited, none of mine (step-cousins of the groom) were. It wasn't a financial issue. Nothing was said to me in advance regarding a reason. I only found out because my daughter asked me about the wedding and said she wasn't invited, and then I confirmed with my others that none of them were. This was AFTER the wedding - we hadn't discussed it previously just because I figured if they needed a ride or whatever they'd ask.
I facebooked DSIL last night to ask if I was mistaken, then confirm that I was right and to say that "had I known I wouldn't have come". She didn't even have the common courtesy to respond, even though I saw she had seen both messages.
This comes immediately after not a single member of DH's family showed up for my youngest daughter's college graduation/law school admission party - one group at least sent her a gift card, the rest sent ZERO, not even a card, even though DH and I had just given a cash gift to DSIL's son who also graduated college.
There have been many, many more slights over the years that I am not going bore you with, but this wedding thing is the last straw - the graduation party was doggone close, but this last one clinches it.
DH says he will talk with his sister today. I'd like him to say "all six of our children are equal, please include/exclude all of them in future invitations" but I don't know that he will. In fairness, his kids did grow up with the cousins, mine didn't.
I REALLY need advise from other step-parents who have a more objective perspective.
1. What's a reasonable expectation for things like the graduation party, gifts, acknowledgments, etc?
2. Was DSIL at least within legit etiquette rules in excluding my kids? I know that no matter how much she dislikes me she can't just address the invitation to "Mr. erdoran" without including me, but I'm thinking that beyond that she can choose to only invite some adult children, but not all. It's hurtful and there is no doubt she knows it it, but it's probably not quite as rude. (if it was not intended to be exclusionary or hurtful, you'd think she would have discussed it with us ahead of time).
3. How should I deal with this? My inclination is to cut his family out of my life entirely - at least the branch having the wedding - and never to attend an event that includes that branch. There is a second DSIL who is sweet, and I would continue to have a relationship with her. She has a wedding coming up in November (all 6 kids are invited) and I hate to take it out on her, but I don't feel like I can attend anything where DSIL #1 & family are present.
HELP! ADVICE!!
HOn, all I can say - your
HOn, all I can say - your children is not their family....
If your children has something there's no need to invite his family...
it's that easy
Ok…I think you are making a
Ok…I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. They did not even grow up together so they don’t know each other well. And you should not try to dictate who the bride and groom invite to a wedding.
I am pretty sure that not one of DHs nieces or nephews would invite my kids to their wedding. They know each other and have for over 15 years. But that is it. They just know each other. Not family, friend or relation.
And try not to take this wrong, but maybe the SIL distanced herself from you for reasons like this.
Personally I think it's
Personally I think it's harder to bond extended families together when the kids are older. I think that would play a role in your kids not being invited to certain things.
You are expecting your
You are expecting your husband's extended family to invite your adult children ? There is no such thing as a step cousin. No relation.
When my niece got married last year, it would never occur to her to invite her aunts adult stepchildren. It would in fact feel weird to me to have them there. Even though my stepkids have met my nieces at various parties at my house, that doesn't make them a relative of theirs.
I agree with what others have
I agree with what others have posted regarding step cousins. In terms of the gifts you and your dh have given for milestone events. The relationship tie is really between your dh and nieces and nephews. While it would be nice and kind that they reciprocated in kind to your dc, it is not necessarily rude. It could be that SIL is just a selfish person and is that way with most persons, so I would not take personally. I would just detach as it sounds that you do not have much of a relationship anyway. Time to cross her and hers off your xmas list. If your dh wants to get gifts, put the onus on him to do the shopping and pay for the gifts.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your perspective. And btw I haven't opened my mouth about anything for the entire time we were together, with the exception of the dinner when DSIL starting talking about how much she wanted great-nieces and nephews--but she already had one, my granddaughter. I was actually ill then and my skin was much thinner than usual, so I walked out on that one.
How old were all of the
How old were all of the StepSibs when you and DH got together? How much interface did your kids, your DH's kids, and the extended IL clan have while the kids were younger? All are factors that should be considered before you decide your path forward. IMHO of course.
My assumption is that with the recent graduation/law school acceptance that your youngest was a pre-teen/tween when you and DH got togehter. If the Skids were raised togther for a number of years then.... your hurt feelings are justified and you should jerk a knot in DSIL's tail and the rest of the IL clan's tails if this crap continues.
I think unilateral proclamations to cut DH's family out of your life may be a bit of an over reaction. Not that I do not understand the hurt. I do understand. I am more of a confront and be present guy myself. I go and make sure that the people who may not want me at an event know I am there. I have a great time, I am pleasant, engaging, and make sure that I am one of those people that is positively remembered by the other guests.. I don't give a crap what those who don't want me there think about my presence.
If you cut them out of your life... they will do the same. So far they have cut your kids out of the extended blended family mix. I would establish a strategy of making sure to attend on your DH's arm, be radiant, and make sure to drop the frequent "Wow, what a great family gathering. Too bad your StepSibs were not invited." }:)
Good luck, enjoy rubbing their noses is their toxicity and pettiness.
when DSIL starting talking
when DSIL starting talking about how much she wanted great-nieces and nephews--but she already had one, my granddaughter.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
No, no she did not have one!! Your kids are NOT her family, nor are your kids kids. Good grief. I know exactly why SIL stays away from you.
when we got together, my kids
when we got together, my kids were 14, 17, 19; his were 14, 20, mid 20's (already moved out of area). The 14 yr old lived with us, 17 lived with her dad then on her own, and 19 was away at college, then back with us. For DH the 14 lived with us, 20 was away at college then moved back in for many years, mid-20's never with us.
We moved in together in 2004 and married in 2007. There have been many, many family gatherings over the years - religious holidays, bbq's, regular holidays. this wedding is the fifth on his family's side, and all 6 were invited to every other wedding. Likewise his entire family, including their kids (the cousin generation for the wedding in question) and spouses were invited on my DD's wedding, my mom's 90th bday party, BBQs at my house, holidays we hosted, my kids' bdays (they came once and no one brought even a token gift, they didn't come for the second invitation (dd16/ds21) and declined with a lie that they were immediately found out in). My youngest went to high school with the cousin that just got married, although this cousin was a senior when my DD was a freshman. When DH's brother passed away, I was at his wife's house (DSIL #2, the sweet one) doing all the serving/cleanup for the shiva, along with one of her friends. Every one of my kids was at the funeral, and stopped by to pay respects. This is NOT a situation where the families rarely saw each other!
For the first few years my youngest went to the family functions, and then as my middle one matured she started going to every holiday gathering. My oldest did as well once he was back at home. But they all perceived that the cousins excluded them and looked down on them. I don't know if they were right, but that is their perception. I felt the same way actually about the way his family treated me. I was pretty much ignored, other than a polite response to directly addressing someone, and then ignored again. It wasn't all bad, DSIL #1 thanked me for helping out with the shiva, my answer was "that's what family does, thanks aren't needed".
So the answer to Rags is that there was regular interface for many years - not daily, but several times a year.
We moved about 25 miles away a year ago (we used to live within a few miles of each other) so we aren't hosting a lot just because DH thinks it's inconvenient for his family to have to travel) but we had still been going to holidays which the different DSILs hosted. I've missed a few because of being away on vacation (DH doesn't travel and can't take much time off from work so I sometimes go on trips without him) but have attended all the events when I was in town, which is probably 90%+.
I am not confrontational, and it is very, very hurtful to me the way DSIL has pretty much subtly made it plain she dislikes me. I am afraid to say anything. I had asked DH many, many times to see if there was a problem and he always said it was my imagination. I don't know that it is
At the shiva, I was sitting in the living room being ignored as always, while DSIL #1 was holding court. I commented to her MIL that none of the family has a clue about how highly regarded I am professionally (I have a high powered job with a Fortune 500 company) and that NO ONE in my life disrespects me the way the family does. DMIL said that DSIL #1 family makes fun of me behind my back. I told DH who said DMIL was just starting trouble (she has a reputation for doing that) but I can't imagine that would come out of thin air. I don't want to raise that with DSIL because it would cause even more trouble.
So those are my "extended family" woes and a little more perspective.
OK, I see the fundamental
OK, I see the fundamental flaw in my thinking - I was considering myself and my children as part of their family. It was said we were over the years. Clearly we aren't.
End of rant. Thanks for the different perspective.
Oh..one last item... a couple
Oh..one last item...
a couple of years ago a nephew had an engagement party. The envelope addressed to my house read:
Mr & Mrs erdoran
Mr. erdoran son 1
Mr. erdoran son 2
My son, who also lived there, was excluded, as were my other two. I happened to be sitting at the hospital with DSIL #1 while my DH was having a procedure and mentioned it to her and how I didn't understand it, and also how nutsy I get about my kids, and how I am sure she understood - and she said she absolutely understood, nephew was wrong, and she would talk to him. She did exactly that and nephew explained he can't stand DD#2 boyfriend (I have no problem with that, and thank goodness bf is gone now!) and he has no problem with the rest of my kids, just bf. He invited the kids to the party AND to the wedding - and as I had suggested, DD's envelope was to JUST DD, no "&guest". DD couldn't go anyway, she had to work that day/evening, and she apologized profusely.
So this situation was one I had been through with DSIL and SHE supported my POV at the time and validated that my kids should be included.
And finally...perhaps all this could have been avoided or minimized had DSIL or groom contacted me and explained that my kids wouldn't be invited, and gave any plausible reason - even "your kids don't come to many family functions any more and we aren't especially close" would have been absolutely fine and legitimate. But that's water under the dam.
"I commented to her MIL that
"I commented to her MIL that none of the family has a clue about how highly regarded I am professionally (I have a high powered job with a Fortune 500 company) and that NO ONE in my life disrespects me the way the family does." It appears you were so hurt at being ignored by DH's family that you unintentionally separated yourself from them rather than just saying, "NO ONE in my life disrespects me the way the family does." Whether justified or not, they may feel uncomfortable around you and your children, especially if they are not at the same level as you professionally or as educated as you are. Perhaps your children are better educated then their children.
Obviously, DSIL does not consider your children as her family. So make it a mutual thing - and beneficial to you. You do not have to make a second visit to someone's home if they treat you as if I are invisible, and you do not have to invite people to your home if they are rude. They don't have to invite your children to their 'family' events and you don't have yo invite them to yours. Focus on people who are warm and welcoming to you no matter if they are 'family'
or not. This is not a hill worth climbing. Give yourself a gift - stop feeling as if you are obligated to pretend as if these people are 'family'.
It's gift day to me - I am
It's gift day to me - I am going to get more involved with people who make me feel good and less with people who make me feel yucky. And yes!! After years of trying to not be ignored/blown off I absolutely separated more and more, the same way my kids did.
their kids are all well educated and DBIL is very professionally successful, and they are very, very affluent. Nothing there for discomfort if they are comparing, if anything their kids are more successful, better socially adjusted, and better educated than mine--same with DBIL, and I'm no slouch!.
Thank you.
Most of us occasionally get
Most of us occasionally get that odd feeling that no matter what we do, no matter the reason, certain people do not want to be close to us. 19 years ago I experienced shunning and exclusion from my Mother and Sisters because I lost weight. I also spent 20 wasted years of my life trying to make SD like me. After so many years of being hurt, I let it go and focused my attention on other people who loved and respected me. It's pretty liberating when you stop trying to get approval from people who do not have your best interests at heart. Best of luck on your happier life.
After two years of dealing
After two years of dealing with a in-your-face, get lost, step-wedding situation--went way beyond going after cousins--this is pretty much the conclusion I have come to, as you say: "It's gift day to me - I am going to get more involved with people who make me feel good and less with people who make me feel yucky." Doesn't matter if they are so-called family members or not.
There's going to be a lot more coming up besides weddings. There are going to be babies and baby showers, funerals, and so on. Since I didn't want to be treated like a skank-ho at any future events, I decided to make my own choices about which events I attend, and let the chips fall where they may. SS had a wedding this year, and I know I certainly wasn't going to be going. In the long run, my husband/DH decided not to go to his son's wedding either, but I think that was largely due to it being a destination wedding, and DH didn't want to travel overseas alone, but who knows. I strongly encouraged my DH to go alone, but at the end of the day let the chips falls where they may.
Anyway, YOU make your own decisions. You do not bear the responsibility of going to an event, just because DH wants you to or because if you won't go, DH won't go, etc. If certain family members don't want you around, heck!, give'em what they want. It may cost them a better relationship with their dad (or mom) in the long run, as dad or mom probably won't be going to as many events minus their spouse, and most people want to go to events with their spouse or SO. BUT, I look at it as that is a choice they all made, and I certainly don't have to attend events where I feel I am going to be fodder.
Sad (but agree liberating) advice, in some ways, as I too would like to think we could all be some kind of family or at least act like one, but I realize now it is not to be in our situation, and at age 50 or so, you deserve the right to live your life BS free. And, yes, you can't force adults/ adult children to have a relationship with you or anyone else. Love your DH, but be an advocate for yourself and when it comes to the adult steps, let the chips fall where they may.
It's not attending the event,
It's not attending the event, it's what I had (until this discussion) perceived as a slight to my children, which always makes me a bit crazy. Youngest DD would have gone, but it's not about the wedding or the experience, it's the disrespect.
If your children were still
If your children were still minors living at home with you, an invitation addressed to "and family" would have been nice.
The problem is you're still considering your adult children a package deal with you when they are actually adults with their own families, unrelated to DH's extended family.
I would not stir up trouble by brining up complaints at any future gatherings and I would not flaunt your job status either, unless you intend to fully alienate his family. A family funeral was not the time or place to complain about your perceived slights either.
It was a social gathering and
It was a social gathering and a quiet, one on one, complaint, during a private conversation. I would NEVER EVER had said anything publicly then. OMG!
And I have never, once, talked about my "status" or what I do other than answering their questions when DH and I first got together. I do not do that. Besides, DBIL outranks me there. My style is to talk positively about other people and praise them (sincerely) and build them up. Again, it was along the lines of "everyone other than this family treats me appropriately and respectfully - I do xxxx and am highly respected, but these people just ignore me". Not out loud to anyone, not publicly, but one on one. Kinda like "I'm a grownup, but I'm still stuck at the kids table".
I have step siblings. All
I have step siblings. All are younger than I am, but we are all married and we all have our own children. Our parents didn't marry until my SM's youngest was off to college, but our parents had been together for a long time (yeah, they had an affair when each was married to someone else). I adore them all. I am friendly with them all.
There is no way I would invite them to family events - my kids know them, but only as StepGM's kids. They aren't family to me or to my kids, despite how friendly and close I am to them.
When my daughter got married two years ago, I didn't invite any of my step siblings. When Thing1 and Thing2 graduated from high school, I didn't invite any of them to the graduation ceremony nor the big ass party I hosted. When Thing1 and Thing2 graduate from college this year, my step siblings will not be included.
It's not out of spite - it's because my children are not related to my step mom's kids.
Why on EARTH do you think these people have ANY obligation to your kids?? WHYYYYYYYYYY *Nancy Kerrigan font*
Because until recently they
Because until recently they have included my kids in everything. All of a sudden there seems to be a decision to exclude them, and I must have been the last one to get the memo. Excuse me for it being a bit hard to stomach.
please read the answer given
please read the answer given by wickedsm.
I couldn't agree more with her words.
Reality is...People are
Reality is...People are broken through the course of life. We all are. Our personal journeys have left each one of us with un dealt with baggage that skews our perceived reality. The pre existing family has bonded with each other through their experiences together that created relationships and closeness that we, as stepmoms and our pre existing children were not part of. Truth is, some people are open to exploring a new relationship with us, and some are not.
The truth that helped me cope with this reality when I married my husband was, that each relationship you have with anyone in life has to stand on it's own merit. Who you are and who they are and what you each contribute to that relationship is what makes it...or not. If you can take all the step this, and ex that, and half whatever titles away,...and yes, even the term "family"....and look at each person you are engaging with as an individual, the ask yourself, Is this someone you want to have a relationship with? It may help you gain clarity on WHY you desire to engage with someone who does not desire to engage with you. BOTH people have to want to cultivate a healthy relationship in order to move forward. Not everyone is going to embrace your family. I'll just put it out there.
Rejection sucks. None of us like to feel we are at the receiving end of rejection. We turn to dh to "fix it". When in reality, He can't. He is not responsible for how they are. each person has to own themselves in life and be responsible for themselves. that's all. It hurts even more when someone rejects our children because we love them so much. But people are people. We are all broken. Extended families get caught in the emotional cross fire when it comes to loyalties, friendships made, and all that bonding with the first family...It is real...it was who they were before you entered into this chapter of life. and they all handle it differently depending on their personal investment with each other. Being married to our dh's does not give a right of passage to any of it. It has to be cultivated with the ones who are willing to open up their hearts to engage with you and our children with love and acceptance. Some just are not willing. You need to be ok with yourself even if none of them seem willing. Do not allow people who have made it clear they do not want a relationship with you or your children at this time any more of yourself. They don't know you. You could be the most amazing person. It has nothing to do with WHY they are choosing to not embrace you at this time.
My sil waited almost 30 years to tell me she was so glad my dh chose to marry me...she waited until bm died. to finally tell me how she really felt...why? All the pre existing loyalties she had with bm. The soul ties in a family are strong for some and the loyalty program attached to them are for life...that is how marriage is supposed to be...for life. Even though dh and his ex divorced...the rest of the family also had a bond with "their" family that did not include me. Sure, it made me sad that my sil was guarded from entering in to a more intimate relationship with me...(we were friendly and all), but the pre existing stuff she carried from those relationships created a barrier that prevented our now family from participating in at those intimate levels. The family support on dh's side was just lacking at best. and in some cases people were resentful that dh should dare be happy ever again with someone else. They were offended that he re married. and to this day some still are.
You probably are dealing with the same type of pre existing baggage. Do not fall into the trap of letting their inability to embrace you and your children, mean it is a reflection of the type of person you are. Do not take their rejections personally. It is THEIR issue. With that being said, I would not make it your personal quest to "win" them over" That is what I did, and I paid a dear price for it. I made the mistake of allowing the constant barrage of rejection to infiltrate and infect the intimate levels of my marriage, and my personhood. I have learned to put up healthy boundaries and refocus my attention on "MY FAMILY"...That was a huge paradyme shift for me. In order to move forward and bring dh with me. We are present for our now family. The past had to be put in it's proper place (even though some of them are still living in it)...they may never evolve with the changes that have taken place with dh marrying me. Some still to this day, after 29 yrs of marriage cannot accept our marriage. I have learned that is not my problem to fix. If you get consumed with this stuff it will rob you of the joy of what is happening in your family unit today. Just try to move on...I know it is hard...but it is hard because of your expectation of what it should be...and when it isn't, you are disappointed..Try to refocus on to the good things about what is going on in your life right now...the old prayer of Lord help me accept the things I cannot change...and the wisdom to know the difference definitely applies here.
My advice to you would be to step back. breathe. Reflect on yourself for a moment. Your expectations. A lot of us stepmoms think we are going to step into a marriage to someone with children, suffering from a broken first marriage and ALL THAT COMES WITH THAT PROGRAM....including how the extended families were effected...and somehow have everyone get along and become this one big happy blended family....(yea..that was my expectation too...) If these people were capable of that kind of unconditional love, they probably wouldn't have ended up in divorce to begin with.
Just decide. Make the decision to Re focus your energy into your own family. Accept the reality that we are all broken people. Move forward without them...pray for them and let them go. Then, cultivate your life, why you put here, and go make some awesome memories with your own children. Enjoy your Now family while you have them. i know it is easier said than done...but life really is too short to give all this negative attention to negative people...you don't have to announce it...just move on...and accept it for what it is...their loss.
Ask yourself one question...How much power are you going to allow it to have over your life? You decide, Peace.
For those of you who offered
For those of you who offered me healing and compassion, thank you. This has been a very painful awakening for me and I need all the warmth, understanding, and hugs I can get because I am really hurting on behalf of my children, and seeing my unrealistic pipedreams of a full blended family shot down. And thank you for your experience and opinions, both positive and negative. I gave DH this link even before people started posting, so he could see the same honest feedback I saw.
So let me ask you something -
So let me ask you something - going forward, I feel like I am being disloyal to my children if I go to DH's family events on a holiday, rather than being with my children and holding the event at my home so my children can do a family celebration as well. I feel like I am choosing his family over my children. Yet I know if I don't go to their holidays because I choose to celebrate mine with MY FAMILY (minus DH who will choose his family over my children) I am looking like the b*tch someone called me a while back.
(logistics note: of course I would invite his family, but they are very territorial about holidays and wouldn't consider having them all at my house - probably none of them - and the 25-30 mile drive to us (vs 5-10 miles for the rest of them) would be an issue as well)
If the reality is that stepchildren, especially adult stepchildren, really aren't on the same standing because they "aren't blood", and because they didn't grow up together with their step-cousins (I know, there is no such thing, I'll just use the term for convenience) then I have to accept that the situation isn't going to change, and because it makes me crazy to see them treated differently, I think I have to disengage for my own mental health.
DH blames MY CHILDREN for the situation not working, because after going to all his family functions for several years and them just not meshing, they made the healthy choice of cutting their losses and not going to most of them. He says they needed to keep on trying to engage!!! OMG!
Going forward.... alternate
Going forward.... alternate your family holidays, once DH's family and the next time your family.. I think it's a very reasonable and good compromise.
Remember all the children are adults, no need for feeling disloyal, or you can simply have a holiday at your house and inviting all children, yours and his.... then the child not showing up will be the baddy.
No, the issue is not the
No, the issue is not the step-siblings, it's DH's extended family - his sister's family and his brother's family. They host the family holiday celebrations which my kids had gone to for several years, but never felt comfortable at. No one did anything wrong, disrespectful or inappropriate to them, they just never felt comfortable or at home - and those were the things where I always ended up feeling dissed and sitting in a corner alone because I never could seem to connect with anyone for more than a cursory conversation.
Step-sibs are a totally different issue.
I do not think you have to
I do not think you have to attend anything there... but it's just me,
I only go if it's my in-laws... if his sisters or brothers has parties, I decline, I'm not with them I'm with SO, and if he wants to go, he can do so all on his lonesome... they are not my family.... I do not force him to go with me if it's my brother's wedding (eg) I will ask him and if he says no, so be it, I go any way.
We alternate, one year his parents for Xmast and then the next year my parents.... so far it's been working great.
Your DH is being
Your DH is being unreasonable. He is probably blaming your kids because you have been blaming his kids for not making you and your kids comfortable. You are contemplating disengagement. There are several levels of disengagement from ignoring their rudeness at family gatherings to banning them from your home. It appears you are willing to alternate between spending the holidays with his family and yours. When you go to one of his family functions focus only on people who are being friendly to you. If someone is being rejecting, ignore them. Do not give them the benefit of thinking that they are getting to you.
One thing that really helps is to not discuss anything to do with in-laws or skids with DH. On the other hand, you do not have to listen to DH when he criticizes your kids. When he says your kids have to keep on trying tell him, "They are now adults and have the right to try or not." End of conversation.