feelings toward my step daughter
Today has been super tough. I expressed to my fiancé that I don't like his 4 year old daughter. We have been together for 2.5 years. When we first started dating his daughter visited his house every other weekend and every wednesday night. A custody battle came about and he won 50% custody, so now the visitation schedule is 2 days with us, 2 days with her mom, and then 3 days for the weekend, which switches every other week. I
Expressed to him that all I see when I see his daughter is her mom, who is a nasty selfish person (she refused to let my finance see their daughter for 9 months, hence the custody battle) and I feel like it's a waste of time because she's going to end up just like her mom. His daughter cries whenever she is picked up by me and is all happy and runs to her mom when it's time for her to be dropped off. I get so irritated because his daughter thinks her mom is the greatest person ever, and all I want to do is tell her how horrible her mother is. I know this feeling is related more to her mom, but shes just a constant reminder of all the shit I have to put up with. Her dad works 80+hours a week, so I'm the one who gets to see her mom every other day of my life for the past 2 years. I get so frustrated with having to work around their custody schedule. Her mom has refused to switch the schedule because she doesn't want to, and in order to change it, my fiancé will have to petition the court order. Holidays are always every other year, planing a vacation is impossible because any out of state vacations have to be agreed by both parents and no one can plan a fun vacation with just 48 or 72 hours of having her. It's a constant bend over backwards to make her mom happy and it's frustrating when we don't receive it back. It's just really hurtful that this little girl thinks so highly of her mom and says we are mean. I hate feeing this way because sooner than later she's going to know I don't like her. I even told my fiancé I don't think we can get married because it's not fair for his daughter to have me as a step mom. I just don't know what to do. I wish I didn't feel this way about her because of the situation that her dad and mom created.
Reading your comments made me
Reading your comments made me feel better. The custody battle came about when my fiancé was in high school, and he was working a 8-5 job. Because of his new job, he is unable to come to the pick ups and drop offs of his daughter, which he has asked her daughters mom to change the times so that he can make it, but she said no. Custody will change once his daughter is in school, which will be a week and week, but during that week, his daughter will be with one parent from Friday to Wednesday, then a 24 hour stay with the other parent, Wednesday night to Thursday, then she comes back to the whoever has her for the week for 24 hours, Thursday night to Friday, and then goes back to the parent she visited the wednesday to Thursday night to start the next rotation of custody. My finance has asked to start the week and week early, so that when his daughter shares school, she won't have to get adjusted to two new changes, but his daughters mom said no because she doesn't think she can be away from her daughter do that long, even though it's going to happen once she's in school. He also asked to eliminate the 3 switches in 48 hours because it'll seem like allot of back and forth for their daughter, but again, she said no.
I am the one who is with her the most, as I became a stay at home mom once my fiancé and I had out daughter, her sister. During my pregnancy and before that, I would do the exchanges of his daughter every now and again, as my fiancé was able to do them as well, but with his new job and refusal by his daughters mom to change anything, I am the one who gets to see that nasty person every other day of my life for the past 6 months. It definitely breaks me down when I am having to follow what my step daughters mom wants us to do.
I've been wanting to separate myself from the situation of doing exchanges because I won't have to see that horrible person, and I believe it will help me have different feelings about my step daughter.
I have a similar set up with
I have a similar set up with my ex and BS 9 - with school this is how we work it over 2 weeks, assuming he is with me first weekend:
Monday: I drop him at school, dad picks him up. Weds: dad drops him at school, I pick him up. Friday: I drop him at school, dad picks him up and keeps him till Weds: dad drops him at school, I pick him up and keep him through the Monday school drop off...back to beginning.
This has worked well for us, and BS9 likes it too. It is actually easier as don't have to deal with ex other than when school is out. BS9 knows the schedule, and knows which house he is going to be at.
You sound miserable and
You sound miserable and angry, not selfish to me. However, you knew he was a package deal and have to hold some responsibility in staying.
The bio of my SS expected and demanded in court that I provide transportation when my husband could not. She's a lazy asshole who refuses to take a bus to see her kid. The judge told her he couldn't legally make the stepmom do anything because I have no legal obligations. My point is, it's between the bios to figure this out - not you. If you're going to stay, you need to set boundaries and stick to them even when it is inconvenient for your husband. His kid, his problem.
Stop transporting, stop engaging with the BM (I don't engage the BM anymore and it's a blessing), and stop letting your feelings ferment - that is stress you don't need.
This is something your husband needs to deal with, not you. If you truly can't do these things, you should consider leaving. I'm a stepmom raising my SS, I have a toddler and am pregnant now, but I have considered leaving a few times too. I have disengaged and it's saved my sanity a lot. Good luck.
Hello all, I am in such a bad
Hello all, I am in such a bad place with my step daughter. I am beginning to really hate her. I guess to the point that I am questioning whether I want to stay in my marriage. So stressed, would appreciate any comments
it's not your job to do pick
:jawdrop: it's not your job to do pick ups and drop off's it's your SO's job.
The girl is 4, naturally she will be happy to see her mum, for a 4 year old you are nothing more then a nanny, looking after her when her parents can't.
This is not the relationship for you, if you can't accept the 4 year old, I suggest you end it now and find some one without children
You told a parent that you
You told a parent that you don't like their 4yo? SO or not... this was not a wise move. Better to address the specific intolerable behavior than say "I don't like your kid!".
I can't stand my SS's SpermIdiot and the kid looks just like that useless POS. But, humans have intellect and as such I fairly quickly realized that my Skid's physical appearance was not his choice or changeable.
As I said. Address the behavior, keep the emotions and feelings out of it.
You have already put that fact that you don't like his kid on the record and that is something that will likely come back to bite you in the ass for the duration of this relationship.
You may want to consider not having to relive your error in judgement in telling this guy you can't stand his young child and find a reset relationship to invest in.
As for planning vacations... plan them and take them. There is likely no consequence for your SO refusing visitaion. That is one of the only advantages that the NCP has in a visitation sitaution. Choosing to take or not take a scheduled visitaiton is entirely up to your SO and BM has nothing to say about it.