Don't know what I should do?
I'll start from the beginning when my partner and I started our relationship he had his 3 children with him at his parents because his ex was using drugs and prostituting.I have a daughter of my own and we use to do things all together and it had had it's ups and downs. My step children's mother then had their children removed by the ministry once I had moved in with my partner so we have not yet had to live with them full time. Their mother is now clean after a year and children have been returned to her. When they come to our house I feel very disprected by their son who is 9 and he is very violent and out of control and has been violent towards my 6 year old daughter a few times which has really made me not like him and not want to be around when he is at our house and I feel guilty. The other two are 5 and 6 year old girls who I do love spending time with I just find that the 6 year old is munipulated by their mother and try and munipulate things on her own. I feel completely horrible for how they have been brought up I just have a really tough time trying to love them like I love my own. We are now about to start trying for our own but it often eats away at me everyday wondering if this is a good idea or if I should just walk away? It doesn't help that the kids mother is so hard to work with along with the rest of her family and it hurts to see the way they are being treated. We are about to start taking them 50% of the time and I am extremely unsure how this will turn out and I feel it might really make me miserable. I don't know how to dissipline them because I am scared to do anything around them when their mother has them involved in the ministry and munipulates everything and I don't want to jeopardize anything with my daughter becausee they are horrible people.
If I were you I would wait to
If I were you I would wait to decide on kids after you have had the step kids living with you for a while. With more time with them it could go either way, they could become nicer people to be around with more influence from your household or they could be a nightmare about to invade your home.
If you do not already, I would get some house rules. Sit down with your husband and see if the two of you can come up with some house rules and appropriate consequences when they are broken. Agree that either of your can issue consequences to the others kids if needed and what is and is not acceptable to either of you. Talk through your fears for the safety of your daughter with your husband, see if you two can come up with a strategy to keep her safe. This way you are both on the same page.
At the same time discuss the practical day to day implications of having his kids living with you. Who will get the kids up give them breakfast and take them to school? Who will keep them home for the day should they be too sick for school? Who is going to collect them from school, get homework and dinner done? Who will coordinate their social lives and activities? Who will do their laundry? What will thier bed times be? Where will they sleep? Who is going to pay for the extra groceries? A lot of these answers should be your husband as they are his kids. If you volunteer to do some of them, make it clear that you will try at first but if it doesn't work out have a back up option.
Then have a meeting with the kids and explain the rules and the consequences and that any parent in the house can issue consequences and you are all in agreement. You could also come up with a fun thing that can be in the house rules too, so one night a week can be family night and one of the kids can pick an activity and another one can pick what food you will eat and rotate around the family so everyone gets a chance. Or something else that gets the kids excited, involved, invested and builds family time together.
In my house I am a full parent. I issue consequences and am always backed up by my husband (at least in front of sd) even if he sometimes does not agree with me. I could not live with my sd and do as much as I do for her without being allowed to discipline her. I love my Sd but I do not love her like she was my own kid, because she is not my own kid and that is just fine. I did not give birth to her, I was not there through the early years and she does not love me as if I were her mother, because I am not her mother, and that is ok. Do not put unnecessary pressure on yourself to love these kids as if they were your own, there is no reason to and no need to.
How kids are brought up only
How kids are brought up only explains some elements of toxic kid behavior it does not justify it or make it tolerable.
Nail the intollerable behavior each and every time. If the SS-9 attacks your DD-6 whip his ass, chuck him in the back yard, and let him stay there until daddy gets home to deal with his toxic crotch nugget.
BM's little parrot (SD-6) should be confronted on her crap to.
Inappropriate behavior that is not effectively confronted will not change for the better.
So, confront the behavior, bring the consequences, and do not tolerate deviation from your household and family behavioral standards.