Help with new relationship with BM of 14 year old girl

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I am brand new here. I am a woman have recently starting dating a woman who I love dearly. She has a BD who is 14 years old. She has always known her mother is gay. I don't know if we're trying to rush things or if I'm doomed to be in a relationship that is lop-sided. My gf and I get along amazingly well until we're around her bd. My gf has one child who she had through IV with a sperm donor. I don't consider myself a step parent. Although we are talking about getting married in the near future. I do not want to make a mistake. The daughter has been the most important thing in my GF's life. Naturally, she is very spoiled, has wanted for nothing and is the apple of the familys eye since she is the only niece/granddaughter. The daughter eats up the attention her grandparents and aunt and uncle give her. The daughter tells my GF that she's embarrassed to be seen with her in public even though my GF is an attractive woman. But then she moans that she doesn't feel important to her mother anymore. My GF has been very supportive and knows that I've not been around children in any of my past relationships. But her daughter is naturally not fond of me. I am retired so I spend my days at home. It's summer so the daughter is home as well while my GF is at work. I rarely see her daughter as she spends all her time in her bedroom. I may or may not see her briefly when she comes to the kitchen to eat. She'll make herself some mac and cheese or a hotdog. She doesn't clean up after herself even though when she's having a good day, she will. When I ask her if she wants me to go get her something for lunch, she refuses. I spend as much of my days outside working just so I don't have to be inside with the kid. I wake up nauseated and spend my days with a churning stomach. The daughter clearly wants nothing to do with me. I talk to her and it's as if she "looks through me" and will answer me with "dead eyes." But when her mother is home, she treats me a little better. When there is friction, her daughter asks her mother if there is something wrong, where I am, etc. I don't relish telling my GF that I feel that her daughter is trying to be the innocent one when the GF is around. We've had discussions where I've told her that she spoils her and the GF agrees. The GF and I can be sitting on the sofa, just starting to watch a show and the daughter will come down and ask for a milkshake. My GF jumps up to do it even though the daughter makes smoothies on her own. My GF cuts her meat. Collects her laundry. Does anything she wants done. We've gone on vacations where the daughter is an absolute terror and treats everyone badly. She straightens up for a time when her mother calls her on it but it's not until the vacation is over. I have very little in common with her daughter. I feel like an outsider when they are together even though my GF tries to include me. Last night she asked me to join them on the deck while the daughter ate. My stomach immediately started churning. I sit outside while they talk about her team events. My GF will be volunteering in the concession stand when the sporting event goes on. So I'm relegated to sitting in the stands alone or sitting at home or doing my own thing. My GF tells me of conversations she has with her in her room. They text one another throughout the day. They text from within the house, I feel left out of everything and only seem to find things out at the last minute. I feel like a whiner. I've read the comments in here and see people with sk's who are REALLY horrible. How do I get involved without feeling that I'm rushing things? How do I keep from feeling resentment towards this girl? And eventually her mother? Am I just jealous of the attention her mother gives her? How to I salvage this relationship that has been the best I've ever known? Am I over-reacting? Is it true that 14 year old girls are at their absolute worst at that age? What if it doesn't get better? I'm in a state of chaos emotionally and have trouble sorting it all out. Can anyone help me with some sage advice with how to manage it? Thanks!

Reading this, it doesn't

Reading this, it doesn't appear that the girl is doing anything really "to" you. 14 is a particularly horrible time for teens and they can be super self centered and amazingly self conscious.

I mean, she is embarrassed to be seen with mom. Not unusual. She may be wholly uncomfortable relating to anyone that is not in her peer group.. or may just prefer not to. My older SD was more like that. She was more distant with people outside her peer group. Hardly a word to say unless it was with her friends.

On top of that, your GF has showered her with attention and babies her. That is also unlikely to change.

I am not really getting that the girl dislikes or resents you but it's also clear that you aren't comfortable with HER either. It's a mutual standoff. I am sure she feels awkward around you too.

If you do stay, this will likely continue. The girl "may" mature and become a more pleasant person to be around, or not. Risk you take with staying.

Hear, hear! Spoiled

Hear, hear! Spoiled children usually grow into self-centered, entitled adults.

I'm living it. Had the same thing with my SO's daughter, who was - and still is - extremely spoiled. I also entered her life when she was 14 and got the same sort of cold shoulder. I had hoped it was part of being a teenager and it would pass, but it hasn't

We are more than a decade in and I still have no relationship with SD. She is always civil, but never shows any interest in knowing me whatsoever. Still looks beyond me and won't make eye contact. The difference is that I have "disengaged" and don't care anymore.

I agree that you should go out and get your own place.

You say this is a new

You say this is a new relationship, yet you've already moved in together? And I assume you moved into HER home? If so, for starters, yes, it does sound like you are rushing it. Part of what the girl is reacting to may be that there is a virtual stranger invading her home who is there for hours on end while her mother is not. Beyond that, yes, I'm sure this girl as an only child with her BM as her only parent is not only spoiled but super attached to having her mother all to herself, and once again, you're "intruding" on that, in her eyes. And while I don't have any DDs, I have 2 DSs, one of whom is 15, and he is my and DH's bio together yet he is very embarrassed to be around us and also can be extremely unpleasant towards all of us, including our other DS, who's 9.

This seems like a LOT going on all at once and way too fast. I wouldn't write off this relationship with this woman you care about so much just because she has a DD. However, I'd step back a bit (living in my own place for starters)and give the relationship with both of them some time and space to develop.

Finally, I do think it's great for you to want to go to the SK's sporting events while your GF is working the concession stand, but perhaps either you could offer to work it as well or have a friend go to the games with you so you don't have to sit alone.

Hi. I've been in a pretty

Hi. I've been in a pretty similar situation. i'm a woman in relationship with another woman who has 2 adult kids - father not in the picture at all. When we met over 10 years ago her daughter had been independent, married and living some way away for a few years but her son was a different story altogether. I was made aware that he had been the centre of her world since her marriage broke up when her son was 5 and was extremely spoilt, entitled, enmeshed and very needy. So he was around 20 when we met and he only moved out last year - he turned 30 last year!!!

I could fill a book with the sh*t he put us through - and still tries to. This site has saved my sanity at times - disengage is one option, leave is the other. I have made it very clear to my partner that if her son moves in - I move out. I am polite and civil on the rare occasions that I see him other than that I'm simply not interested.

Her daughter is still quite young - you could be facing many years of feeling like an outsider and the whole horrible stomach churning anxiety.

We're doing great now for the most part but it has been so, so difficult - I'm glad I stuck with it but if I'd had a crystal ball back then that would have shown the years of crap I might well have run for hills!!

I wish you luck.

Thank you all for the great

Thank you all for the great advice. Just as a side note, my SO and I have known each other for 10+years. Had always been attracted to each other but there was always something stopping us from pursuing each other. I will seriously consider finding a place of my own. I believe it will save my sanity.

Thank you all for the great

Hi SP, Do it, look for a

Hi SP,

Do it, look for a place now. I had a SO for 7 years and even purchased property with him. Every time we discussed marriage there was a reason not to do it now..etc.etc. Come to find out, he was in touch with a former girlfriend (before me), the entire time.

Listen to your conscience, and get out--find a real relationship. I should have listened to mine sooner.

I can tell the daughter

I can tell the daughter resents you and all the ages are tough but 14 is particularly nasty. I've been a superstepper for 10 years and my SD still looks thru me with cold eyes and she's grown now. Some step parents will never make head way and it's a long row to hoe if the step parent cares too much. Only when your caring subsides will it be easier for you to take her treatment. And whoever else mentioned it not getting easier when spoiled children are grown is dead on. They've been enabled to be dependant and that likely won't change with aging out.
Get your own place that Will likely help your relationship.

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Help with new relationship with BM of 14 year old girl