What happens with shared parenting when SD returns from college in summer and holidays?
Hi everyone- I'm new to this forum. I am a 60 yr old mother of 3 grown kids, living with a man (also 60) who has an only daughter, age 18. He had to fight many times in court in order to obtain split custody- equal time with both parents. I entered the relationship when SD was 12. Let me say she is a great kid. I have no problems there. However, I'm concerned with what will happen when she returns from college in summer and holidays. She turned 18 in April, so the shared parenting agreement could have been null and void. But she chose to maintain the agreement; spending every WEd and Thurs, then every other Friday, saturday Sunday with us. I have said nothing about this arrangement, since it seems to work out for SO and BM and SD. However, I always found it to be totally disruptive and chaotic. SO and I would settle into a routine and life between the two of us, and then Wednesday would roll around and SD would arrive. I may be worrying about something that will take care of itself, but I truly dread the thought of living a normal routine while she's at college, then having her come home summers and resume the midweek disruption. I want to suggest having her stay at our place a week at a time, then a week at her mother's. NOt sure how SO will respond; he may be agreeable, but like most of the men who have an only daughter- his head turns to mush when it comes to her. And since we are not married, I have tried to stay on the periphery of things. Has anyone else had this issue???
It seems at this age she
It seems at this age she might want to make one home the primary and visit intermittently (rather than a schedule) with the other. I would think she would be wanting to work and hang out with friends.
You should be encouraging her
You should be encouraging her to live on campus or near campus in apartments with friends. Time to explore the life of Independency
At the university I went to
At the university I went to there were jobs for students during the Summer as well as on campus apartments. They also had townhouses kids would rent downtown for reasonable prices split among roommates. My point was to find her a job and place for the Summer and the school year....so she can stay there instead of the OPs.....
My 19yo daughter has no
My 19yo daughter has no desire to be at her fathers house for any amount of time...so she stays with us as much as possible during breaks. He lives in the same town that she goes to college in, so she does end up there for short breaks, but I have her for the summer. If she wasn't excelling in school, on full scholarship, and very helpful around the house, I might request her to get a job...but so far that's not the case.
I don't know, but I'm
I don't know, but I'm following to see other people's suggestions.
My SS is 18...also since April, just like your SD. He keeps coming EOWE and doesn't seem about to let up. I really wish he would stop coming...and he has no college plans in the fall, so I'm assuming he'll be maintaining this schedule for the foreseeable future. Makes me want to run.
Oh I totally agree. Though I
Oh I totally agree. Though I think the OP's suggestion to her husband of a less disruptive, one week on, one week off schedule is completely reasonable. I hope you suggest it, OP, and I hope he listens.
Also...I don't want my DH to quit seeing his son. But he has no plans, just work at a country club, and he treats my home like a hotel. Getting tired of it.
It seems like it would make
It seems like it would make more sense to have 1 week on and 1 week off. Heck even half the summer at one parents house, half at the others. I would talk to DH about it but wouldn't use the word "disruptive." I'd say something like, "Wouldn't it be lovely if we could have SD for an entire week at a time. The two of you could have more quality time together and we could really get her settled! blah blah..." Keep it positive.
Good luck!
Are you a stepmom? This
Are you a stepmom?
This sounds like a terrible schedule. Two days a week and then EOWE. How can you possibly develop any kind of routine with a schedule like that?
I think OP's request is reasonable, and she should have a large say, as she lives in that home full-time, too. She's not asking him to have less time with his daughter...just to arrange it differently.
I'm pretty sure we all use
I'm pretty sure we all use calendars. Having something written on a calendar doesn't make it any less disruptive or intrusive when it actually happens.
OP should have a 50/50 say with her husband, as the two full-time residents of the house. It may be that the schedule was created when the SD was much younger...and maybe needed a mid-week visit with her dad to have his input on homework or his involvement in her school life in general...and the arrangement hasn't been revisited. Now that she's in college, it doesn't make sense any more. It's OK for the SM to bring this up...it's not selfish, or mean-spirited...just practical. She and her SO should talk about it and make the decision that's best for them for when his ADULT child should visit them...as the two bill-paying, full-time residents of the house...and then they should talk to SD about it, get her input. It really doesn't matter that the prior arrangement "worked for everyone" because the prior arrangement was made at a different time, under different circumstances...and is no longer in effect. BMs opinion should have zero weight and shouldn't even be brought into the discussion as there is no CO visitation schedule anymore...just three adults working something out. SD should have some say...but less say than the two who own and maintain the house.
OP - my guess is that this whole issue will work itself out within the next year. It may be that the SD hates the schedule too (I can't see how that schedule would be beneficial for anyone) but doesn't want to suggest an alteration because she's worried it will hurt her dad's feelings. I think that's what's happening with my SS. I think he feels silly maintaining the court-ordered arrangement, but keeps it up because his older sister didn't, and he saw how it hurt my DH. I bet if you open a dialogue...with your SO first and then with the SD...that the three of you will find a good solution.
Thank you, TwoOfUs, you hit
Thank you, TwoOfUs, you hit the nail on the head. This is exactly the situation, and I appreciate your input!!
And that is exactly why there
And that is exactly why there are so many problems in step relationships, the "say" of the child often outweighs the needs of a grown, working, taxpaying spouse/SO. In this case the "child" is grown, there is no need for a choppy court ordered visitation schedule anymore. SD and all parties may be relieved to stop the crazy merry go round schedule they were on.
This is an adult "child" we
This is an adult "child" we are talking about. She can do whatever she wants during the day, lunch w/her mother, spend the night at dad's. *Gasp* she may even decide to spend time w/friends or not even come home one night. This is not custody.
Not sure which comment you
Not sure which comment you are addressing but I never insinuated that sd was a moocher or shouldn't have a place to stay. I wholeheartedly agree with OP that a weekly schedule would be better than the current one.