No Rules/Consequences for Teen SD

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I'm at my wits end with SD. SD is 17 years old, she is a completely spoiled brat without rules and consequences. SD received a brand spanking new car for her 16th bday, since then things have gone downhill. She thinks the world revolves around her and that we owe her for her presence. She has been arrested, caught lying & spending the night at her boyfriends home, never comes home when she is supposed to, caught drinking, smoking etc. When I attempted to punish her for lying I was treated as I was in the wrong by both DH & SD. According to DH I was too tough on her and she is just being a teenager (that's his answer for everything). During her punishment she refused to step foot into our house and take accountability for her actions, instead she went to mom's for her entire punishment which turned out to not really be a punishment b/c she was still allowed to go out with friends and do everything she wanted, she just couldn't drive her car. I bent over backwards for this child trying to make a relationship with her but she has done nothing put push me away, telling DH that she hates me and wishes we weren't married (b/c I attempt to enforce rules & won't allow a teenager to drink in my home). DH does nothing to help the situation instead he drives the wedge further between us by not standing up for me instead he stands up for her. I love DH dearly and can't imagine my life without him but I don't know how I can handle this situation any longer. I feel as if the days when she comes over I need to leave my house so everything is more peaceful & I don't stress out. If it wasn't for her I do not think DH & I would ever fight. We have honestly never had a fight over anything else but SD.

You are 100% correct that it

You are 100% correct that it all lies at DH's feet. I have told him this over and over again and his response was "stop cutting my daughter down", "Every chance you get you cut my daughter down". No I am not cutting your daughter down, I am telling you the truth of what will happen if you keep letting her go down this path. When she gets pregnant who is going to responsible? Us! When she screws up and gets in trouble again, who will be responsible? Us! One of these days she is not going to get out of trouble like she did the first time.

This is exactly what I am

This is exactly what I am going to have to do. Not care, b/c my DH doesn't care, why should I? I am not going to care about her leaving for her BF's at 7am and not coming home until 12am, I am not going to care that she is killing herself smoking, I am not going to care that she sleeps in bed with her boyfriend and posts photos of it. I have to not care b/c DH doesn't! At this point I am not sure who is worse, DH or SD's BF's parent's who allow them to be in bed together and allows her to spend the night there. It litterally disgusts me.

He has been clearly

He has been clearly overcompensating for something. He's negatively affecting her and is obtaining some sort of pleasure in being liked by her despite the bad behaviors he's supporting. What sickness..and unfortunately my Disney DH does the same thing. It's sickening. SD knows exactly what she's doing and her complete disregard for your feelings and your relationship speaks volumes. Selfish, spoiled, entitled brat. End of story.

I have the quadruplet. Or

I have the quadruplet. Or should I say had. I told him to move out over a lot of things but I have to tell you how nice it is not to get that pit in my stomach when I come home from a long day at work and my SD car is in the driveway. Not anymore.......

I definitely need to

I definitely need to disengage, I have said it before but i can no longer take it & I don't need the stress in my life. I need to back away, no more shopping for Xmas, no more shopping for bday, no more Easter baskets, no more just b/c she wants something. If my DH doesn't want me to help parent then why should I do those things for her? I will let her see what a "horrible" SM I am. When she doesn't get the things/gifts she wants she will realize how much I have done for her.

The minute she turns 18 just

The minute she turns 18 just ban her from your home and life 100%. Yes it's your DH's home too and it's his daughter - but lying criminals should be avoided as much as possible.

She a worthless POS now. Hopefully she will grow out of it - but don't hold your breath waiting for it.

I am not holding my breath

I am not holding my breath but I am counting down the days until she graduates and hopefully goes to college. If not she will be living with her mom since I am the wicked SD and she can't stand me but until then I unfortunatley I have to deal with it.

good for you that DH is not

good for you that DH is not putting up with her shit, unfortunatley for me I don't think it will ever change b/c he sees no wrong in what she is doing and he admits it.

Hold firm on the no underage

Hold firm on the no underage drinking in your home. If you allow that, and there is an accident, you and your DH can be held liable.

Aside from that, disengage. Let the parents do their job or fail to do their job. You are making your life more difficult by fighting someone else's battle. It is up to your DH to enforce the rules. You can make DH suffer for failing to enforce rules...but I'd only worry about ones that immediately affect me (smoking in my house, leaving nasty stuff laying around, etc.). If the parents don't care that their child is heading towards teen pregnancy and a lifetime in and out of court, Why Should You?

We've locked up all

We've locked up all "non-countable" alcohol in our room. Otherwise it's only things by the bottle or can which I keep a VERY close eye on, or sent everything else to the neighbor's house where we go for cocktail hour Good neighbors are a beautiful thing. Just keep it out of their hands. If she brings alcohol to your house, you didn't provide it. If you are at all liable, I would find out how to protect yourself from responsibility...be it removing all alcohol or having to report it yourself...that's a question I don't have the answer to.

Next time he tries the "stop

Next time he tries the "stop cutting my daughter down", "Every chance you get you cut my daughter down", BS...respond with.....

"I am not cutting your daughter down, I am cutting YOU and your lack of parenting down. When are you going to stop acting like her friend and start acting like her parent?"

sounds like a real gem.

sounds like a real gem. She's gonna be sucha a worthless, good for nothing, piece of ish adult. Good job mom and dad. At least you will be able to live with yourself knowing you tried to instill some kind of structure, rules, consequences and accountability on her. Not your fault she is a monster, that's on her parents.

Call a locksmith, rekey the

Call a locksmith, rekey the locks, inform DH that his spawn, and he, are gone and will not return until he steps up and parents. No more family resources go to support her, no more tolerance of her entitled deviant crap. If she comes home drunk.... call the police and let her get a DWI. Lather, rinse, repeat. If DH fails to step up... you have a decision to make.

ZERO TOLERANCE!

I completely agree. I just

I completely agree. I just tried to have a similar conversation with my DH over his spoiled SS13. Mental illness is the excuse to not parent. I told him (today's his 40th birthday today too, awesome timing on my part) I can't live in a house where this is going on much longer. I'm not exposing my children to it, and frankly it disgusts me. I think disengaging is a great idea, but not a permanent solution I'm going to be able to stick with for very long. I'm not very good at holding stuff in. If I do that, I will explode. So I try and calmly talk it out as it comes, even if it's on DH's 40th birthday. I know, pretty shitty of me.

I am the same exact way I try

I am the same exact way I try to keep my mouth shut until I explode. (which happened last night). I found out that her BF was over our house when we were not home. We have said since day 1 no boys in the house when we are not home. DH had text her and asked her what she did all day and she told him and at one point she said we came by your house and did this that and the other. I said oh so BF was over while we were not home? He was like how do I know he was in the house? I said what do you think he was doing? He said maybe he sat in the car or sat outside on the porch. I need to give my daughter the benefit of the doubt. I said how can you when she has done nothing but lie and disobey you? Unfortunately I am fighting a losing battle as he never sees anything wrong. He also says if he doesn't see it how can he punish her?

If I want to stay married I

If I want to stay married I can't do that. I am counting down the days until SD is 18 and I hope she says I am living with mom. DH says until she is 18 she can't only live with mom per the court docs. He said if she wants that they will have to take him to court and fight it and they will have to prove that we have an unfit home. She has already said she wants to live with mom and he won't allow it.

WOW! Holy shit, I just saw

WOW! Holy shit, I just saw this! WTF, let her live with her mom. Clearly she is acting up in order to piss him off and let her go. Why is he being such a dick about it? Child Support or something? Our SS13 was in 50/50 arrangement, and refused to go back to his mom's over emotional abuse, went to his law guardian who wrote up a new arrangement. Done. If she wants to live with her mom, she should just go and leave it up to her father to take her mother to court over it, which would be really stupid and expensive, considering the court will take your SD's opinion into consideration. All the more reason to disengage, sweetie.

Okay, while I'm dealing with

Okay, while I'm dealing with a boy, and younger, I'm still seeing a TON of similarities in how we're looking at the situations. For me, the issue is SS13 horrible slothy behavior and DH's endorsement of it by refusing to parent him. In the past year he has easily gained 75-100 pounds, outweighs me, and is well on his way to outweighing his father. He does nothing but lay around in the basement watching TV, playing with his XBox and eating nothing but junkfood and caffeinated soda all day. So, while my basement probably smells like athlete's foot, and SS13 is starting to take shape of something resembling Jaba the Hutt, I have decided to disengage, and tell DH exactly how I feel about it, how I won't live around it, or expose my kids to it, and it's up to him to fix. But ultimately, if this kid pushes 300 pounds, I take no responsibility for it. My neighbor said to me "you offer the kid healthy options, he is choosing to refuse them. Stop beating yourself red in the face about it. If DH isn't on board, SS13 will never be on board."

I'm going to tell you the same thing. I have no idea why our DH's give these children the benefit of the doubt. I actually see the same thing occurring in my SIL with my youngest nephew. She has no problem parenting her older two kids, but when it comes to her youngest (who is 6 months younger than my son) she just thinks every horrible thing he does is adorable, and never scolds him. ..sorry tangent....

Same thing: If DH is fine with believing her, just let it be. What's the worst that can happen? She'll get STD's, raped, or pregnant, or all of the above. Were I in your position. I would just lay down very calmly: "I'm sorry you think I'm overreacting. I'm worried she's going to get STD's, raped or pregnant. If you're not worried about it, I won't worry myself with it, but if it happens, it's on you to deal with." And then just stick to your guns. If it happens, it'll suck, but you've washed your hands of dealing with it, and if it never happens, you've already forgiven yourself for no longer worrying about it.

If there are other aspects about it that cross your personal boundaries, make them clear: "I don't trust her. I don't want her to have access to my room when I'm not around, so I'll be locking that up while we're out." This is basically how I laid it out to my DH, and he's respectful of my boundaries. I don't allow my children alone in the house with SS13, as that crosses my boundary. That kind of thing. I'd make sure your finances are separate, so in case her poor decisions, and his lack of parenting leads to something pricey to deal with (a pregnancy, abortion, doctor's visits etc) then protect yourself from contributing one penny to it. And that's just it.

"How can I punish her if I can't see"? I've LITERALLY said to DH "I need you to start SEEING what's going on. So I'm going to stop pushing your head."

Nice, parents don't realize

Nice, parents don't realize what they are risking. A girl in our community sounds like she was raised like that. New Years Eve a couple years ago, she went out party hopping drunk and t-boned and killed a guy leaving work.

All fun and games until the coroner shows up. They are doing princess no favors.

You're absolutely right, I do

You're absolutely right, I do care. It's the hardest thing in the world when you want to try and make a family work and it's not accepted. Family is important to me. I am not "hard" on her by any means but when we put rules in force for our home and she doesn't follow them it makes me so angry that DH does nothing to punish/no consequences. She is going to go through life thinking that she can do what she wants and there are not going to be any consequences to her actions. When DH wasn't around and I punished her for lying I instantly became the WSM for punishing her. DH even said I was too hard on her. I said well something had to be done & I knew you weren't going to do it so I did. Maybe she will think twice next time about telling me she is one place and ends up spending the night at her boyfriends.

You're absolutely right, I do

I can't decide which is

I can't decide which is worse:

An enmeshed, PASing CP BM who BFFs her kids

A biodad who blew through a lifetime of savings on legal fees to become CP, only to guilt parent and disney dad in hopes that child(ren) won't go running back to the BM

"I love DH dearly" How

"I love DH dearly" :? :O :sick:

How could you possibly dearly love a person who has no respect for you?

Open your eyes and see reality. If you don't, this situation will not improve. Time to grab a big old handfull of big girl panties, gird your loins, and start TELLING DH what he will do as your equity life partner and stop tolerating he and SD marginalizing you in your own home and life.

As for SD... she is a write off in your life. Quit giving her any consideration or space in your head.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Take care of you.

Hey there...go look at my

Hey there...go look at my post "Stepdaughters that don't give a damn" and read the replies. You are not alone. DH is a Disneyland Dad and a doormat. You cannot, I repeat cannot change him. I try to always remember to not care more about someone than they care for themselves...that also applies to situations. Dh doesn't want to see the light obviously so why do you care more about his daughter than he does? Stop it! And don't care more about your SD than she cares for herself which is not much it seems. Unfortunately you are going to have to leave the house, hole up in another room or whatever and let them do their disfunctional thing and just keep your eye on the prize that she is almost outta there. And NO MATTER WHAT when she is 18 or graduates HS do NOT enable her by letting DH keep her in the house. Sounds like this chick will take whatever she can get and free room and board she will want. Tell DH if she boomerangs back at 18 she can stay at her mothers, not your house period.

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No Rules/Consequences for Teen SD