No you are not his partner. He may have married you, but he does not want to be your partner. He's an ass. It's up to you whether you can tolerate his assholiness for the rest of your life. He will be protecting that daughter at any cost to others until the day he dies.

I had to start my life all over again in my mid 40s. Went from owning 3 homes to living in an apartment - sometimes even with roommates. Had NOTHING and was in debt. Had to totally get a new career.

Guess what I did it. I ended up with a fabulous new career that took me all of the world multiple times a year. I saved like crazy bought a great home and even was able to retire early. I did all of that on my own but later met my fabulous husband who adores me and will do anything for me. He does have a worthless son, but I always come first.

No one can tell you what is right for you. Only you have all the facts and can decide what is right for you.

The kids come first in terms of needs but spouses come first in terms of wants. Also, there should be clear and timely communication with you about anything that could affect you in the slightest. So if BM lost her home or was abusive towards SD then yes your husband should have his daughter full time but he should still talk to you up front about it and be understanding that it will affect you and serif there are ways to make there situation slightly more comfortable for you. If sd simply prefers living with dad or dad wants full time custody (but BM house is ok) then the discussion with you needs to allow you to have a say in the situation and your views should be considered and weighed up in deciding what is best to do.

A good partner will listen to your concerns and work with you to find someway to make it work for all of you. An inconsiderate partner tells you things are how they are and you just have to suck it up, there is no element of compromise or discussion.

I know I would not want to live in your situation. Where things better before you moved in together? If you really want to keep the relationship maybe you two could try living separately again? Not sure it really is the solution but it is an option.

I haven't read previous comments yet, but I have to say NO she should not be cuddling her dad in her bath towel at 11, and no walking around the house in just panties. Why in the world would he be okay with that innapropriate boundary crossing... I find it disturbing...

There's a HUGE difference in a man putting his minor daughter's well being as a big priority in his life and his putting his EX WIFE's preferences, wants and needs above his current wife. And to use the &*^%( excuse that "it's for the child" is really low.

Any man who makes decisions based on what his ex wife wants at the expense of his current wife is just a major douche bag of assholiness.

Maybe he does love you. But he's not offering you the relationship you want to be part of. I'm sorry.

I recently read some advice from someone else on this board. They made a list of all the things they wanted to do 'one day', and circled everything they could do on their own. Then they went and did them.

At yoga class today one of the things the instructor said really struck me. She said, focus on your energy and your breath, let go of everything else. Everything that isn't you, just leave behind. So you can become yourself.

I think this man and his kid make your life complicated and tense and tiring. But life is fun and simple and energizing when you're around people who love and accept you and seek out your wonderful company.

Only you can know where the joy is in your life.

Love isn't enough. Your DH will never put any of your needs first. You need to take a long hard look at your life and marriage and decide if it is worth staying. You aren't happy . You are stressed and miserable. You need to find a job and your own place. Let your DH have his mini-wife relationship with SD11, it's what he wants and he will never change.

I kicked my exDH to the curb in part due to how he ignored me and put exSD10 on a pedestal. My needs were never a priority. I was lonely and sad. It wasn't a life I wanted to be part of anymore. Divorce and starting over sucks , but staying in a dead marriage will destroy you.

And :sick: An 11 year old watching tv in just a towel after a shower is inappropriate on so many levels. Kid needs to learn some modesty.

I could have written WORD FOR WORD everything you described 12 yrs ago. I'm here to tell you that those "good qualities" you see in him will slowly fade away. You will seeth with resentment and end up with nothing but contempt, not only for his spawn, but for HIM as well.

Had anyone told me this 12 yrs ago, I would have NEVER believed it. But he is showing you that you are dead last to him. Oh, and he will start to gaslight you as well; telling you quite the opposite.

Soon he'll be saying "I NEVER SAID THAT!" when you know damn well he did. My advice is to run now while you still have your pride in one piece--because he'll wear that down to a nub.

Oh for God's sake girl. Of course kids come first in the sense that you take care of them. And that means you do your damned best to make sure that they are cared for physically and emotionally: as a parent you are there for the good times and the bad times, you give them the best you can and you try to make sure they grow up into level-headed, decent, balanced, kind-hearted human beings with a solid sense of self worth (note I said worth and not entitlement), that actually bring something positive to the world they live in. This whole process takes many years of bl**dy hard work with no guarantee of success.

I am a mother and yes, my daughter will come first until she no longer needs me. And I will do the best I can for her and by her, and try to ensure that she turns into an adult able and willing to stand on her own two feet. This is as it should be.

That said, there is no way I would allow her to treat other people (adults or kids) in her life with rudeness and disrespect. I would not expect any daughter of mine to behave as your SD, and I would not expect any daughter of mine to meekly accept the kind of cr*p that you are apparently putting up with. Would you?

I think you have to sit down and really evaluate your life: how it is today, and how you would like it to be in 5 years. Be honest with yourself. Then make the decisions needed to start going in that direction. I wish you courage and good luck.

Well, the natural order of things - (first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby...) is off in blended families and this is probably why remarriages with kids have about a 70% divorce rate.

If you want a remarriage with kids to work, (according to the research, anyway) it has to be the foundation of the family, which means, it many ways, it has to come first. The child's needs are a priority no less than they were before the remarriage. But the adults in the relationship should form the head of the household.

So if DH wants his new family to work, your marriage has to come first. Not to sound too pessimistic but based on everything you've described here, DH is essentially telling you he doesn't care, because he's still sort of married to his ex (for the "good" of SD.) He's got his priorities all out of whack, and unless something major changes, I don't see how you can be happy.

Some parents would feel like your husband and think that a child absolutely always comes first. That is their right and their choice. But they do not make good partners especially when their spouse is not the bio parent of their child. A good partner would recognize that sometimes the needs and wants of adults come before the child's wants. So if there is a spare $100 one month sometimes it is a good idea to invest that in the marriage and have a date night rather than buy the kid some expensive jeans or whatever they have been whining about. It means that sometimes the child needs to learn that a household is a team and they must help the team and do some of the chores. It means that sometimes a child does not get to cuddle with dad but gets to see what a loving and healthy relationship looks like by seeing sm and day cuddling. Just because your husband does not want to stand up to his ex and he wants to put his daughter in front of you, does not mean that you have to put up with it. All of the conversations that you have retold us here show us that he is not prepared to change or compromise. The situation will not improve. If you are not happy and you want to be happy your only option is to end this relationship, your husband has no interest in understanding your concerns and acting in them.

A child's needs should come first, but, that does not mean the child is treated the way your DH treats his, nor the wife treated the way he treats you!

My DH also told me, when we first started dating, that his daughters came first.

As a parent, your first responsibility should be your children's needs (not wants) and simply that means that your # 1 responsibility is to insure they are clothed, fed, have a roof over their heads, are loved and cared for, educated and raised to be responsible, contributing members of society.

It does not mean that everything revolves around them.

It doesn't mean they're allowed to be disrespectful or rude to any adult, including the SM

Nor do they get to control what's on the TV, or sit and cuddle with daddy every single night, especially in only a towel and especially at age 11

It does not mean your DH has to love them more.

Your DH can put his children's needs first as a responsible parent, and still love and adore his wife more than anyone on this planet - including his children!

That's what happened with my DH. He started out with the old "my children come first" "my job second" and ya, the woman in his life third....well, eventually when he learned it works two ways and guess what, he didn't even make my list LOL - his attitude changed.

SD's needs were still first (and should be) but DH admitted somewhat guiltily one night that it was me that was "front and centre" in his mind, and that he was afraid he loved me even more than his children

At this point in my life I think, so what? So what if you love your spouse more than anyone, including your children? If a man loves his wife - also the mother of his children - more than anyone on the planet everyone, including their children, would think that was the sweetest, most romantic thing around

And I think this is what so many SM's and their DH's - not to mention the skids - confuse

The DH's feel guilty about the divorce, live in fear their kids will walk out of their life, worry people will think they are not a good parent, so they overcompensate to prove to the world and themselves what great parents they are.

They brag about putting their "kids first" and think it means they have to dote on the child non-stop, spoil the child rotten, make big statements of how much they love their little princess, allow the child to do whatever they want all in the name of how much disney daddy just adores them above all others - all to look good, and think if they do any of the above for their wife, they will somehow be judged as putting the child last, neglecting the kids needs etc...

My own Mom may have screwed up a lot, but she had this part down, and well

When she divorced my Dad and remarried my SF, it was pretty clear to us kids the way it stood: our needs came first and she would always look after her children however, our SF was the love of her life and she would not tolerate any disrespect towards him.

She may have put our needs first, but her marriage was her main priority. She loved her husband above all else, if she ever had been forced to choose, hands down he was the one she loved most

And you know what? I could have cared less! And that is because that was how we were raised. We knew our role, our place - and that was not anywhere equal let alone above an adult

The parents that remarry, then pull this crap with every single thing being about "my kids needs come first" are full of it IMO. Just an excuse to get what they want - put their own needs first.

If you are a loving, supportive spouse, who insures your SO knows they are very much loved and the # 1 priority, I think you would rarely if ever have to remind someone how 'your kids come first'

I agree with Sally. If he wants his child to come first, then he should be willing to meet all of her needs. That means he does everything for her - cook, clean, drop offs, etc. You do absolutely nothing for her - after all, she is the most important thing to him, and you might do something to upset the ex.

I think you should get out now, but if you decide to stay, check out this book, "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts" by Gary Chapman. The basic idea is that everyone expresses love in a different way - and everyone needs love in a different way. When your needs don't match the way your SO expresses love you have a problem.

He thinks there are 5 different ways that people express love:
Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch
You might be able to reconcile your differences, or you might learn he is never going to meet your needs.

As far as the bath towel - if she is wearing nothing underneath I don't see how she can keep herself completely covered up while "cuddling" on the couch. Of all of the red flags in your situation - I think that is the biggest.

I know exactly how you are feeling, trust me, its a breath of fresh air knowing I'm not the only one but at the same time I just want to hug you because I know the feeling, I know the hurt and the pain. Things will not get better unless your husband makes sure of it. I had this discussion with my husband just this morning. I don't believe an adult should revolve their whole life around their kid, the kid revolves around the parents. If you are told to do something, you do it, you don't mouth off or back sass. And your husband, seeing as youre his WIFE needs to give you the time of day and listen to you. You shouldn't have to bottle everything up. You shouldn't be told that youre crazy, cuz you know what? youre not. Cuz if you are, so am I. This is when you decide if youre willing to wait for it to maybe get better or tell your husband that youre not living like this and either get counseling or whatever is needed or leave. Its hard, I know. But you will get to a point of being so sad, resentful and upset that you wont want him around. You will do anything to get away from him/them.

just know I'm in the same boat as you, and I can promise you that I'm the caption because I have to deal with SOOOO much disrespect from my SS and his father when the SS is around. Just know you are not alone.