Gaslighting
Forums:
I work in psychiatry and this term is very common. Gaslighting is a term which came from a movie in the 30's or 40's in which a husband tried, over a long time, to make his wife believe she is crazy. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which SKs and their parents engage and we, initially being the ones who want to hold out the olive branch, begin to doubt ourselves. Google this term: gaslighting and you will relate!
Gaslighting has been
Gaslighting has been discussed extensively on this site:-)
Actually, it's usually the
Actually, it's usually the ex-wives and kids who do the gaslighting. Most of us are good and kind people who started out being compassionate and having a fantasy that we could all live happily. Unfortunately, ex-wives often inject poison and alienate the kids from their divorced parent.
My exH was a MAJOR
My exH was a MAJOR gaslighter. In fact, he should have gone Pro.
OP, are you talking only about stepfamilies?
Have to agree with DH being
Have to agree with DH being the main 'gaslighter', although it was only because I was around him most of the time. SD was VERY good at it. For over 20 years she treated me like dog doo, most of the time out of DH's view. But there were times when DH saw it and denied anything was happening so he could avoid confrontation with SD - at my expense. Yes, Gaslighting has been brought up often on this site but it is classified as domestic abuse. From what has been written on this site - over and over again - it is the most common form of domestic abuse of SMs. Gaslighting is part of bullying. Some of the techniques used are purposeful ignoring or speaking over a person, discrediting the obvious, selective hearing, treating a person as they are inferior or of less value than others, passive aggressiveness - they are all intertwined.
Thanks to OP. You prompted me to 'google' gaslighting and found it was a form of bullying. Several times we have suggested that SMs set boundaries. In reading about it today an interesting concept emerged: boundaries are about what YOU will accept, not what they will accept, and if you do not stick to your boundaries they just become a threats.
****THIS***** My DH is
****THIS***** My DH is definitely the main "gaslighter". Disengagement and moving forward is the only way I handle this mental abuse. I set my own boundaries and I am in control of those boundaries, nobody else.
I even filed a Court Order concerning mental abuse against DH; I promised to file against SD, if SD did not stay away from me. I have no more room in my life for gaslighting.
On this site, as in the
On this site, as in the movie, gaslighting generally refers to a spouse who does things to make their partner feel like they are losing their sanity. It is usually done by the male DH/SO of the female stepmom who is the member of Steptalk. It involves deceit and sometimes even "trickery."
Ex-spouses who poison their children against the other parent are practicing a form of "parental alienation" - not gaslighting.
I don't think you can
I don't think you can universally tag this behavior on any particular party. My exH was a gas-lighter, only I had never heard of the term and didn't realize that's what was going on until I had endured years of his abuse.
Buttered? I have cold apple
Buttered? I have cold apple cider.
Spiked popcorn; spiked
Spiked popcorn; spiked cider... just give me an alco-bev, please!
~girl crushing on sueu2~
~girl crushing on sueu2~
Bethany - why did you feel
Bethany - why did you feel the need to educate us??
it's usually the ex-wives and
it's usually the ex-wives and kids who do the gaslighting
Unfortunately, ex-wives often inject poison and alienate the kids from their divorced parent.
That's called Parental Alienation.
Gaslighting is psychological manipulation (and mental abuse) and is often done by men, as sueu2 stated.
BM over here did quite a bit of alienation. "Your dad doesn't love you." "Your dad doesn't want to see you." "Your dad is a loser." Blah, blah, blah.
IME, this was done by DH to
IME, this was done by DH to throw shade on me and make me feel crazy for questioning the clearly unhealthy family dynamics that were in place upon my arrival.
They do these things because they don't want to admit or face their own shortcomings. It's much more fun to pin it on someone else and tear that person down to reassure themselves that they are still perfect.
And it's fun to control other people when you can't control yourself I guess.
It's very cruel and evil to do people that way. I couldn't live with myself if I did it to someone else even if they wronged me. I just not wired for deception like that.
Love, love, love the movie
Love, love, love the movie Gaslight.
The term comes from the fact that the lights which are gas powered dim whenever the lights in the attic are turned on because the flow of gas is momentarily reduced.
The husband tells the wife that the lights are not dimming, that it is all in her imagination. They really are dimming because he is up in the attic searching for jewels and he's turned the lights on. She thinks he's not home.
He slowly convinces her that she is going insane. That she lost a brooch, she was sure she put into her handbag. When she says you saw me put it into my bag, he say no Dear the last time I saw it you had it on. She really did put it into her bag and he was there when she did it but he makes her doubt herself.
That is what gaslighting is. It is someone making you doubt yourself.
In a step situation I would say these are examples.
You watch the skid leave a plate on the floor and when you tell DH he says no it wasn't the skid, we told them not to that. When you say NO I saw them do it, he says are you sure because you always blame the skid.
It is when the bathroom is dirty and the only person who uses it is the skid and you say look at the mess the skid left and DH says it wasn't the skid. You say who else could it have been and he says I don't know, maybe your kid did it. You always blame the skid.
It is when there is a dent in the car and the day before it wasn't there. The only person who drove it was the skid and DH says you must have done it and not noticed it.
BMs do it too but not to DH and stepmom. They do it to their own children.
There was one example on here of a BM who would take the skids to the same places the DH and stepmom took them and then the skid would only remember going with BM.
DH will buy them clothes or toys and BM will say No I bought them for you.
The thing about Gaslighting is that you KNOW you are right, you KNOW you saw or hear whatever but someone you love and trust is telling you that you DIDN"T see or hear it.
And the person doing it to you will bring others in. They will tell people that you are forgetful or are seeing things and so then it's not just one person. It's a bunch of people telling you that the things you KNOW are true aren't. You truly begin to feel like you are going insane!
Sorry, I wasn't sure if it
Sorry, I wasn't sure if it had been brought up. Didn't mean to anger people! I just realized I've been gaslighted by my stepdaughter. I ALWAYS try to see the good in everyone...and, JUST recently realized how much she and her dad have gaslighted me! Yea, the lighbulb finally came on!
Ya, After reading about
Ya, After reading about gaslighting today my eyes were opened too. My SD would slam a door in my face or be totally obnoxious when DH wasn't home, then be syrupy sweet to me when he was home. The 'big' trick she and her husband liked to play was to have muffled, sideline conversations while in the same room or in the back seat of the car. If I complained they validated their rude behavior with a lame excuse, DH said he didn't hear anything or I would be accused of being paranoid. When I called them on it SD had a meltdown in front of DH. Finally revealed!!!
Sandye21---yes, I'm JUST now
Sandye21---yes, I'm JUST now getting it. I'm guilty of being too trusting, too willing to give way too many chances. I feel stupid. The fact is, I'm a very compassionate person. But, they all took advantage of this. Now, I'm angry. But, have totally disengaged from BOTH Sks. It is so freeing!
Bethany, Congratulations.
Bethany, Congratulations. Don't feel too stupid. Wanting to be liked and accepted by losers has nothing to do with intellect. Think of it: Would you slap the hand that gives to you? It will be your skids loss in the end. How smart is that? Disengagement gets a whole lot better with time. Anger is replaced by being unconcerned, no desire for involvement, and a happier - smarter - you.
One of the first things you
One of the first things you learn in step life is that kindness is often seen as weakness by the skids. To nice people this doesn't make sense. Skid land is like a world of opposites.
Regarding the gaslighting..It's easier for a bioparent to gaslight their spouse/significant other than it is to make their kid act right, enforce rules, etc. This way the bioparent can live in denial.
Thank you, Sandye21! You guys
Thank you, Sandye21! You guys have been a life saver to me!
There was a Gaslight Inn that
There was a Gaslight Inn that was a major hook up destination after the clubs closed for the night in the town where I went to college. Does that count? }:)
(No subject)
DH is a major gaslighter in
DH is a major gaslighter in anything (that I bring up) concerning precious ss30.
"Oh, your bluetooth is missing off the charger from your desk where ss30 camped out to play video games. Surely it was the cat."
"The futon is stained from drool where ss napped all day and smells like cigarettes now. Oh, it must've been YOUR boys."
The worst was when I found damage to my windshield the morning after ss30 had stormed out of the house after screaming at DH. "That smash in your windshield that resulted in a crack that required it to be replaced, must have been a piece of gravel flying up that you didn't notice." DH replaced my windshield but never acknowledged that ss may have been the culprit.
Ridiculous I know. Luckily I knew what was going on so I know I'm not crazy!
*
*