If this has been the pattern for 24 years, now is a little late to expect drastic change. Maybe a more reasonable expectation would be to agree that neither partner spends or gives more than $XXX dollars without consulting the other?

I have a SS32 and a SD33. DH and I have been together 13 years, married 10. Things were fine for 10 years until SKs decided I need to go. The last two years have been hell. Same thing as you...enabling daddy throwing his wife under the bus. I understand and feel your pain. I was pretty much done, ready to walk out the door before DH agreed to go to some counseling. We are working on setting some boundaries around our marriage but it is a very hard road and I'm not sure we will make it. If you have not read the book Stepmonster, it would be a good idea to read that asap. You are not alone.

Do you want to be invited to SD and grandchildren's birthdays? How are the holidays done exactly?

Typically, on wedding invitation its the Bride mother and father, the Groom mother and father. I have never seen the step parents name on wedding invitation and the majority of my friends are COD.

I see there are the usual weekend comments here--a bunch of people out to grind an axe of their own going after someone else. Nothing new. It is very common for SM's to be made out to be the scapegoat, even from other SMs. It is also not uncommon for SMs to put down a list of things that have gone wrong, several items, and then have one of those items picked out, reinterpret it, and then that one item to rake them over the coals. In this case, supposedly how you "used" your daughters against SD. SD can do whatever she wants, you on the other hand are expected to be nothing but perfect. Typical hypocritical expectations most people have for a SM.

I don't expect SKs to be able to read between the lines, but any SM should be able to read between the lines here and see that you have had years of difficulty with your SD, more than likely largely due to your husband's enabling behavior. You also haven't said much about BM, but usually it is a combination of manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH that = step-hell. I'm thinking this is probably your case.

SKs like to use the comment, "Spouses can come and go but kids are forever." However, this is actually not true. Yes, spouses can come ago, but even kids, even among bio-parents. We all know parents who have "disowned" their children and visa versa. However, never an ideal situation, and certainly not called for in this one.

Regarding the wedding fiasco, this too can be typical. SM expecting to be treated with respect and simply like their husband's wife, and getting publically hosed instead. Some SMs are lucky and have supporting BMs and DHs, and get along with their SKs. In your situation, however, this is not the case.

What can you do? This has gone on for some time. In some ways the suggestion to get counseling is not a bad one, simply because it might give you a different perspective and you might find some sort of middle road, where DH can be the way he is (I don't think he is going to change), and yet you can be independent or disengaged from this situation.

PS. Another thing that bothers me is when anyone tries to act like SM and dad's incomes are somehow separated. No, they are not, and it does matter who the major bread winner is or who paid for what. They are married couple and just like any married couple their incomes are combined. Sick of some people trying to claim that dad can do whatever he wants with his money, etc. No, it is not dad's money; it is dad and his wife's money. So, if dad is footing the bill for anything, so is SM. Once you get married, dad and SM's relationship will be no different than your relation with your husband, other than bonus kids, that can either be a great blessing or a pain in the rear.

No matter what you decide, best of luck to you!

Yes. Spending big chunks of money on a grown woman without your consent is a huge no-no. As is putting you in row five while your DH sits in the first row with BM. While it's true that it's common for the bio-parents only to be listed on the invitation (though I've seen plenty of people include SMs and SDs, too!) I've never seen exes sit together at a kid's wedding. They sit with their spouse, just like everyone else. This was incredibly rude, thoughtless...hurtful of your SD. Your DH should have just told her...nope, my WIFE sits with me. Done.

Sorry you are feeling this way. I often feel like a second-class citizen in my home...and I come from one of those lucky homes you mention where DH usually considers me and skids and BM get along with me, even like me. I still feel left out from time to time. I can't imagine if I were literally excluded like this.

I do not have a SD (thank you Jesus), but I do have an adult SS who is now "engaged". He and Babymama live together and have a child - they have no plans to marry but claim to be "engaged".

There are a few things that I am sure of:

1) ZERO of our money will ever be spent on any wedding that they might ever have.

2) DH and BM will NOT be playing "happy parents together".

BM's DH is very controlling so I know that he would never allow item 2 even if I was okay with it. Yes - I know that I am controlling too. I own it.

SS tells DH that they "can't afford to get married". No - what they can't afford is a big costume party. DH and I got married for the price of a marriage license - literally. We spent no money on clothes, flowers, etc. We are just as married as the people who have a costume party that costs tens of thousands of dollars.

I also remind DH that his parents spent ZERO dollars when he got married and had a child. So why should we do any differently.

OP your SD is a POS. Just "ignore the whore". And your DH is a total ass if he abandons you and your joint children on all holidays to go spent time with her.

I read all of the above posts. Wow!

I am not an expert, but I can tell you I have learned from this site and reading here.

Begin today by setting boundaries for YOU. What is in the past is over; quit thinking about the future results. After 20+ years, this will be a slow process and you can begin now. If you want to salvage your marriage you can do this without all the drama. I was slow learning this also; but it is working.

Set up your own retirement account. The interest is low, so don't look for high yield, it won't happen; just begin saving for YOU, seriously. Set it up with no knowledge of anyone but you. Begin curbing the $$$$ going to SD, in small ways that you have control. Don't leave it up to DH, obviously this is not going to do anything, but make fights between the two of you.

My SD56 decided I was "out of here" (married 36 years); guess what? I'm still here and we are doing well. With this said, it has NOT been easy and will never be easy. I don't care what my DH gives or does for SD and her family; but I will do for MYSELF. Our property and all business is "joint".

From your post, it sounds like you are hurt, such as I was, by alienation from family affairs, etc. The best deal is called "disengagement" from your SD. Put her out of your life and get busy taking care of yourself, mentally and physically. This is the best thing I ever did for myself. Disengagement takes time, patience, and goal setting; just as saving for yourself $$$$$. I turned the tables on my SD and decided I was in control and she would no longer control my life.

You will have many bad days, shed many tears, and pull your hair out many ways. Do this in private and read and study here on this site every day. I have been thru it and I am having many more good days now, than bad. It is like the world has been lifted off my shoulders to be disengaged from my SD (7 years) and put myself first.

Forget DH helping in this area; it won't happen. Grab your boot straps and get going girl! Drop the resentment, hate, and especially the past. If you can't do this, throw in the towel. I will never throw in the towel.

Good Luck and (((hugs)))

If you want to save your marriage, separate your finances. If you are a 50% equity partner, then make your 50% legal and binding. Come up with a budget you both contribute to and use a financial planner to accomplish this. I've learned the best marriage counselor is a great financial planner If your husband doesn't want to split the money, do it anyway. Open a new account, get copies of all financial documents and start a trust. Make sure all financial documents are easily accessible to you.

With respect to your husband excluding you, he may change his tune if he sees you are setting a firm financial boundary. If he continues to disrespect you, at least you will have your financial house in order and then make decisions from there.

Question. Is the business legally in your name as well?

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Snikes, I feel for from the bottom of my heart. I too have been married 24 years. My husband had custody of his two sons when we met, they lives with us full-time, I raised them. They are now 32 & 34. Things were fine until we announced we were getting married and since then it has been problems, and lots of them. I have been accused of saying and doing things I never did. I have been shunned, ignored and blamed. I was not invited to the wedding of either boy. I have been told I am hated by the older boy (when he was younger) and bio mom made sure I knew that the boys hated me and my daughters. All the hard feelings extended to the boys' wives....I was accused of being a liar by one and told I was narcissistic and a psychopath by another.

I had a real tough road....here I was the main parenting person to these boys and I did not get much support at all, none from bio mom and husband really didn't seem to want to get involved. If the boys weren't happy it was my fault. One time the older boy didn't want to take pictures and was being very pouty, we took pictures anyway and I gave the pics to family. My husband's mother then asks what was going on that the boy was so unhappy, wondering if he was happy in the family situation. Well, he was not and it was voiced but did that make me the bad guy? I was like I was not supposed to parent these boys but treat them like kings instead and because I treated them the way I treated my daughters I too "hard" on them. Then by golly, someone else step to the parent plate but that never happened.

My husband's father recently passed away and all the family was gathering except me, I knew I would not be welcomed. I was talking to husband about trying to have some time with us and the kids, just out family to try and heal the wounds and spend time together and perhaps laugh. He told me it wasn't the time. I asked him what he meant, one of the boys lives in Europe, we don't get this chance. He told that the younger boy did not want me there. After all these years and things in the marriage not good anyway I finally said that was enough and told my husband I want a divorce. I cannot do this any more, life should never have been like this. I felt like I busted my butt for people who could never appreciate me or my efforts. I am tired of dealing with the tension and all the hatred and husband not doing anything about it.

The divorce should be final in about a month.