I need to vent
I'm becoming increasingly annoyed with my stepson. He is now six and lives primarily with his mother in another state. In the summer my stepson spends 2 months with us but as of last year I started to notice that he has a serious lack in manners. I try to deal but it's so hard because my upbringing was so different. I know he's not my child but the way I was raised was to respect adults and disrespect was not tolerated. To my parents it was embarrassing if we didn't have manners. Now my husband had a similar upbringing but not quite the same due to our families being from different places. However I feel like he needs to try to teach him manners because when I try to correct him he acts like he doesn't hear me which pisses me off. I brought him to my parents house one night with my daughter and the next day my family came to me and expressed how he didn't have manners and they don't really want him coming over like that because they just can't tolerate it and don't want to get into a bad spot with my husband for wanting to discipline him and that if they took him anywhere it would be an embarrassment. I didn't tell my husband what my parents said and I don't know what to do. I feel bad that I can't take his disrespectful behavior even though it's not his fault his mother didn't teach him manners.
It's more than please and
It's more than please and thank you. But by 6 you should have certain type of manners.
Now if they were wrong I'd
Now if they were wrong I'd say F off but when everyone I bring him to tell me in one way or another says he's rude (ignores them, demands things and so forth) I can't get mad at my family for being truthful. Also they help me out a lot so that's not a bridge I'm gonna burn. But thanks for your input
Your DH has two entire solid
Your DH has two entire solid months a year to teach his son manners. It is as much is 'job' to parent his son on his time as it is BM's 'job' the other 10months.
It's very common for COD to learn have different expectations between Mom's home and Dad's home. Be annoyed with your DH for failing to teach and discipline his child. If your DH is leaving the child with you during work hours this summer, both your husband and his son need to realize you will be the adult and teach/discipline the child or daycare arrangements will have to be made.
Thank you. I'll try.
Thank you. I'll try.
DH can still teach manners.
DH can still teach manners. Heck, I insisted on good table manners from my daughter's friends when they were at my house and I would correct them with no problem. "Honey, we don't eat pancakes with our hands in our house. Please use a fork." Nothing hard about that.
Your DH is doing this child a huge disservice by not teaching him how to function in the bigger world. Six is a great age to teach all sorts of things, and you have him for two months. There is no excuse to allow bad behavior. Your DH needs to step up.
I had stepdaughter when she
I had stepdaughter when she was 13 maybe 14 on me with me during vacation. We met up with my brother and he treated us all for dinner. Everyone ordered like a $10 chicken or pasta dish. She ordered the steak and lobster with an extra lobster tail. I was mortified. No one batted an eye. But later when we got home, I told my SO that the next time he takes her out to eat, which he did about once every two weeks and she always ordered the most expensive thing on the menu, that he needed to use it as a teaching moment. How that when someone else treats you need to not order the most expensive thing and maybe take your cues on whatever everyone else was ordering. Especially since she would soon be eating out with boyfriends parents or friend's parents. Nobody embarrassed her. No one did anything. I just told him that he needed in the future to teach her. Instead he got pissed at me and yelled at me and said what needed to happen was that she was to never eat out with my family again.
Well what happened was he and I had a baby. His sister came into town to see new baby and she treated us all to Red Lobster. SD rode in sister in law's car and SD13 who was in our car said, "I hope she isn't going to embarrass us by ordering the steak and lobster. She did that to my mom's friend and mom was embarrassed." SO says "OH CRAP. " well there was no way for him to get her alone and she did the same as always. Order the most expensive thing and added a lobster tail and added a desert. And then didn't eat. And his sister said something to him.
Yes parents need to try and instill manners in their kids. It doesn't do them any favors to grow up without them. I wouldn't expect perfection from a rambunctious six year old. but as the years progress if BM isn't going to do it, two months straight each and every year with DH could go a long way.
Isn't it weird how if "we"
Isn't it weird how if "we" say it "we" get dismissed but if someone else says the same thing it is different.
Please tell me he did end up telling her to cut it out after the fact? Please.
I tried to instill in my DH's
I tried to instill in my DH's daughters the "family hold back" dictate. That meant that when your family is having an event, you don't push your way up front and hog all the "good stuff". We were told as children when something fancy like shrimp or whatever was on the buffet at my parent's that we were to take just a couple and leave plenty for the other people. If there was more left, we were allowed to go back for modest 2nds.
We (DH and I) also coached the girls before they went on dates to NOT order the most expensive thing on the menu. I was proud of my younger SD when she went to prom, she just ordered an appetizer and a salad because she wasn't very hungry.
Of course, we were also clear when we traveled and stopped for fast food that we were going to be ordering off the VALUE menu.
A lot of the rules and things we/I tried to teach the girls was so they WOULDN'T be embarrassed in future social situations. I taught them how to deal with food they weren't fond of. We didn't push them to repeatedly eat things they didn't like but they were made to at least try a little and to not react with disgust.
this ^^^^ EXACTLY! I
this ^^^^ EXACTLY! I remember my grandfather taking me to Steak in Ale as a preteen one one one and the whole occasion was to practice social manners and etiquette. He taught me what fork was used for what and how to calculate a tip. and he indeed taught me the family hold back at buffets for family weddings and ceremonies. These things do indeed to be taught. I was prepared when I went to prom!
My stepdaughter goes to prom next year and I'm sure she'll be ordering... wait for it... steak and lobster with an extra lobster on the side, on her junior in high school date's limited budget. I still don't think she has gotten the message yet.
That's exactly what I do. It
That's exactly what I do. It makes me look like the evil person because I understand at his age his manners will not be perfect but there are certain things that a child shouldn't do. I'm not gonna stop my efforts because I refuse to have my children grow up without manners or think what's he's doing is ok, or have a child disrespect me in my home.
SDs had very little to no
SDs had very little to no manners when I met them.
I had some discussion with DP about it, and he did start correcting them - one of the things he actually did right away!
However, I did not disengage from the manner issue. I stepped right in when we were at restaurants (I refused to go with them at all for almost a year until DP got a handle on it) and still do, if they don't say thank your or please. I don't get mad, I just correct and emphasise, "SD12, please use your fork to eat your fish, thank you." "No, you don't get to order dessert before your meal." "Please hand the waiter your menu nicely and say thank you." And I am SURE to set an example at all times...most of the time!
If you are the only one there, the "adult in charge" correct it. I made darn sure that the SDs knew how to behave with my family, before we went and handle it when we are there - DP understands very clearly why.
That's the approach I'm
That's the approach I'm taking. Now I don't feel so bad about it.