Can't stay...can't go
Why didn't I discover this site sooner? So many comments sound like things I think and say. It's liberating to know I'm not alone in my feelings.
So I have BD15 BD13 BS10 who are with me every weekend and Monday and Tuesday. Been with partner for 6 years lived together for 3. Am SM to SS16 SS14 SD12 SS11 who are with us every other weekend and every Monday. So you can see that it is a busy house with up to 7 kids at any point.
In the beginning I had the naive idea all would be wonderful but it's not. Basically I don't like his kids. They are rude and disrespectful (to partner and each other mainly), have few manners, don't tidy up, take others' things, never admit things and apologise etc etc. Things of mine have been broken but partner says they won't apologise so no point in expecting it. He says you have to earn their respect - although I think that as an adult my position should be respected and if I make a request it should be carried out. If I have sweets or chocolate it gets eaten, along with things I buy for my kids packed lunches (again no one owns up) but partner says I should hide it!!!!
SD deliberately goes for long showers in the morning to try and make me late. She cut up my garden furniture once but I wasn't allowed to say anything - partner said best to leave it. He says it's me who is wrong - that if they want to have a shower or eat they can without asking (mine always ask), with no thought for anyone else.
I've been having counselling for depression and one major thing that emerged was that we aren't a team - it's them and us with separate rules. Partner says (out of guilt I'm sure) that we shouldn't have to make rules they should 'emerge' and that I don't make an effort with them. The BM poisoned them against me early on so I don't think I stood a chance. Partner and I get on brilliantly when it's just us two but I don't like his kids and it's tearing me apart I feel like a stranger who has to hide in their own home. Yet I can't go because I love him. I'm glad you guys have similar experiences but I just don't know what to do anymore. We only ever row about his kids - he's so defensive of them especially his BD who manipulates him. He says he doesn't want to be a disciplinarian but I'm a teacher and I feel strongly about boundaries. We'll never agree - he just tells me I'm wrong and horrible to them (yet they subversively and overtly bully me). I'm crying as I write this because I just don't know what to do.
You know what you should do
You know what you should do it is just going to take you a while to get there.
The problems that you have aren't with the children though they are easy to blame, the problems you have listed are all with your DH. He doesn't parent his children and he brushes you off when you push him to parent his children.
Take control, with setting
Take control, with setting boundaries for "yourself", and then stand your ground. Do not let yourself be abused. I did for 30+ years (my fault). Seven years ago, I retired and decided no more. I came unglued and flushed my house out. When everyone got the point, DH was let back in, after a few weeks he realized I met business. Part of my boundaries included some changes from myself as well.
Things are much better for us this past year. If I am tested by DH or SD56 (up the street), I say nothing, I just go into action and they get the point. If you set boundaries and carry thru, the problem will either be solved at home, or it will open new doors for everyone. Each situation is different, therefore, your boundaries and actions will be different.
Good Luck; keep us posted. We are always here to help.
"that if they want to have a
"that if they want to have a shower or eat they can without asking (mine always ask), with no thought for anyone else."
My MIL actually thought it was "terrible" that I would make the girls ask if they could have something to eat.
I told her very clearly that those were our house rules because.
1. We wanted them to eat on a good schedule and not fill up on junk and then pass on dinner.
2. There might be some specific plan we had for a food or drink item and unless the kids asked they wouldn't know.
In fact, I had a special place that I put "allowed snacks and drinks" and told the girls exactly what they could have without specifically asking. If they wanted anything else they needed to ask!
Oh, and as to the EARN respect thing. I deserve respect because I am an adult who pays the bills in MY home. Like it or Lump it if I ask you to do something in MY home, you do it. I'm not saying you have to like or love me, but you WILL treat my home and me with respect. You do NOT trash anyone's belongings whether you like them or not. NOT acceptable. There is such a thing as RANK in a household and the ADULTS should be listened to whether you "respect them" or not. As a kid, your options are to move out and never come back once you turn 18 before that, it is the parental units who call the shots.
If multiple people live in a home, it is perfectly reasonable to let others know when you are going to be using the shower if there is only one in the house especially if it is during a peak use time when others might have a reasonable expectation of use.
I had no problem telling the girls that their dad and I had to take showers too because we had to go to work. In fact, we would get them to take their showers at night to alleviate the backups in the morning.
BTW, both my SD's did as my DH and I asked when they were in our home. They asked permission to eat if it was outside their allowed snacks and they let us know when they were using the bathroom etc...
Bottom line, your DH is NOT backing you up and HE is a big part of the problem. The kids do what they want because they know he won't call them on it and know you are powerless.
Thanks yes you're right. I
Thanks yes you're right. I already know of course that it's my partner's issue and I've really tried to get him to see that we need to work together (as discussed with my counsellor). He thinks I'm trying to get him to be like me and introduce my rules. I've tried to explain that that's not necessarily the case, more that we need to be seen to be on the same side to prevent the manipulation. He refuses to see it. He's said that I'm a bully to his children because of the stuff I raised in my original post. Actually I think they bully me because they know I'm powerless. My question is how do I get him to see that? I'm at my wits end
I will be honest, that I am
I will be honest, that I am not always a fan of total disengagement but in your case, I think it may be the only way that you can get through to DH. Here is what you need to do.
1. Tell DH that since he has such different ideas on how to parent HIS kids that you are disengaging. You will no longer cook, clean, drive, counsel, or do anything else with or for his children. If he doesn't like the way you have done it in the past, FINE. Let HIM be their parent. This means that when they are at your house, if he is not there, he must arrange a baby sitter or whatever, you will no longer render any care or assistance for him in regards to the children. However, tell him in no uncertain terms that if any of your belongings are destroyed or if you are assaulted that you WILL be calling the police.
2. In regards to dealing with the kids directly. Avoid as much as possible. Get up super early and take your shower BEFORE the little hellion can. Make sure you use ALL the hot water too (evil grin). Sure, it will mean that you will need to get up early to catch that worm but it will be worth it so the little puke can't get the satisfaction of making you late to work. Bonus is that even if the kid tries getting up early too, you will still end up having time after the kid gets out to shower since it will be so early lol. Oh, and the food thing? Buy a lock and select a cabinet to store the candy and lunchbag treats for your kids. For items that are perishable, you can buy a mini fridge and get a lock for it too. They do sell fridge locks. When a kid asks you something, just say, go talk to your dad.
Make them not your circus, not your monkeys.
Your DH may say that your marriage is over but you need to tell him that if he can't support you in your own home, then you guess it already WAS over. Maybe he will realize how deeply the past treatment has affected you, or maybe you will find that he wasn't the man you thought he was.
Oh hell to the no!!!! I do
Oh hell to the no!!!!
I do not allow ANY disrespectful aholes in my life. period. dot.
I will go ape sh*t on anyone who steals my belongings or tears up my stuff. I do not need anyone's PERMISSION to do that. I do not need any man's permission to protect myself or my possessions.
One word of advice......RUN
One word of advice......RUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!