How would you feel?
Hello everyone...I am new here but I'm looking for input.
BEFORE READING ANY FUTHER- TRIGGER WARNING- just looking out for others.
I am a bm of 4 and sm of 1.
I have been in my ss life since he could walk, he is 14 now. I lovED him as my own, his bm is a total ditz that doesn't really do anything for him other than to try to buy his love. Ditz, is working on her career at all times and doesn't think of her kids at all. Just to give you a quick past with what we had dealt with...She moves where she wants when she wants, she was married to a sexual offender and had a son with this man, she does NOT parent- whatever man she has been with usually does, she brushes everything under the carpet when she doesn't want to deal with things. That's just a quick dip into my past with her.
Over a year ago my ss sexually abused my bs...
Just to let you all know my bs is in therapy and has been diagnosed with PTSD by a neuropsychologist. Police were involved.
I am currently looking for the right therapist myself.
Anyways, Ditz and her family are moving in July and I feel like she brushes everything under the rug. Either she doesn't believe that my ss did this or she wants to ignore it.
I have followed my support system here with things I should do and have spoken with others/friends that know the situation. Does anyone know of anything else I can do? Has anyone else been through anything like this? Am I wrong for feeling like someone should pay?
I don't have any experience
I don't have any experience with this. I know of one person who has had something extremely simular and the kids can't live together now. So one lives with granny, the couple was married at the time and now getting a divorce because of all this.
I don't know if I could live with the stepkid anymore, which of course would strain the marriage completely. How did you hold yourself back?
I hope you find peace. I really do. I just didn't want your first post to sit out there, unreplied. I know you are hitting "refresh" hoping someone has some help.
First let me say THANK YOU
First let me say THANK YOU TATER SALAD for responding to me, I was waiting. My husband and I have came along way since the incidents happened. When it first happened I told him I would not make him choose and told him we should walk away from each other. He has been more of my leaning post through this. My husband has done as much as he could on his side but the Ditz has closed all help off to my ss, like I said she brushes everything under the rug. As for seeing him, we really don't. Since this has came out he doesn't come over and his dad goes and picks him up from time to time but not to come here.
I don't have any idea how I hold myself back. The day I found out about the whole thing I did contact the Ditz and she said that it wasn't true, then she made the comment that boys will be boys...after that remark I let her know that she may want to stay away from me, not as a threat but more of a promise.
If I have to see him at any point in time I just try to fight back tears, anger and throwing up.
I don't know if I will ever find peace, I have been told that I need to forgive so I can move on but that is so easier said than done.
You are welcome. I knew you
You are welcome. I knew you were chewing your nails, so to speak.
Sounds like she just wants to ignore any issue(s). Unfortunately, I DO understand that. My SD's bio dad has her two days a week and SD needs therapy for depression (she is 8 and constantly putting herself WAY down and threatening suicide) and what help we did get her, bio dad had a fit about. With him, it's because when she was 3 he put a knife to her neck and told my now wife that he would "cut her f***ing head off". So he doesn't want her in any therapy because he is afraid that will come out. As it is now, SD doesn't act like she remembers that.
My bet is just that. She may feel like her piss poor parenting lead to this and doesn't want a therapist figuring that out.
ETA the two days a week part. I meant to add that because of the two days, he thinks she is fine. It must be my wife and I pissing her off/depressing her... according to him.
I am so sorry that you and
I am so sorry that you and your family are going through so much.
I sat here reading this just thinking to myself, even though your sd goes over there for only 2 days is there anyway anything else bad could be going on? I'm sure yall are worried sick when she has to go over. Is there anything legally yall can do? Does she HAVE to go? I have heard that sometimes when people have a traumatic event happen in there life they will block it all out and act like it never happened, I wonder if your sd has done that? Does anyone have to know of the therapist?
On my side of things, I think that my ss bm doesn't want to soil her status at her job. I know she is all about fixing things however it needs to be done. When she was married to a sex offender and we went to court she made everything look good and polished like she did the right thing just cause the judge said divorce him, she did, but was still "with him".
Selfish Parents!
The detective that was on our
The detective that was on our case brought the child and his mother (the Ditz) in for questioning, my only options dealing with ss were pressing charges/ court. The detective said that yes, there would be a court case and that my bs would have to take the stand and when it was all done ss would see nothing, there isn't anything they can due other than therapy, while I was told this so was bm and she told the detective that she already had placed him into therapy. He went twice and I'm guessing they didn't even talk about this situation. BM said that she had paperwork stating that he was released from therapy after the sessions and nobody has seen it at all. We have been through everyone..social services, lawyers you name it we have been trying to do it. Due to timing and age this kid walks away.
If you had went through with
If you had went through with charges and court would this SS been required to register as a sexual offender in your state?
No, happened as a child,
No, happened as a child, children don't go on. Even at a later date. I asked and it doesn't work that way. I even asked if there was something I could do or have done with social services and they said no, they only deal with adults to children abuse not child to child.
Well the reason why his bm is
Well the reason why his bm is such a key player is because she holds all the cards, as for what he has done- investigations, sessions for parents w children that need help, neuropsychologist and tried to put him in therapy but she has him more than we do and now more than ever. Dad has done just as much to try whatever was suggested.
I am thankful but at the same
I am thankful but at the same time worried. I know that this happened to my child and I don't want him to hurt anyone else. He has a hb that lives with him and hes going to be moving where nobody knows the situation, I just worry about other families too. I have thought about calling his next school and letting them know but I don't know if that would do anything or if that would get me in trouble. All I can do is hope that the school hes at now actually sends all his records over because I know that its documented in there.
That's a valid concern. Can
That's a valid concern. Can you or your DH speak to admin at SS's school?
I can't begin to imagine how I'd feel if my child was molested by a repeat offender who wasn't carefully monitored.
I'm in the process of finding
I'm in the process of finding one close by, I hope that when they leave I will be able to do better. I know that I need to get therapy to move on. I just wanted to focus on my bs as much as I can. Hes been through so much...
Thank you.
Its hard not to focus on
Its hard not to focus on Ditzy because she was married to a sexual offender, she knew it way before they got married and it happened while they were married, ON VIDEO, with her roommates child,this woman has never had to be held responsible for anything. ss lives at bm about 8 minutes from me
About 9 years ago Ditz
About 9 years ago Ditz married a man that she knew was a offender, while being married to him her friend the roommate with the kid lived there, Ditz did not tell the roommate at all about her Sex offender husband and they had a camera in a bear for the childs nanny time. Ditz nor her husband did not know about the camera and he got caught on video.
We did not know anything at all at this point. She never told us anything.
I went online and looked at the sex offenders site, saw him and called my dh, we went that afternoon and went for custody of my ss. 2 years later after countless court dates the judge told her divorce him or you loose custody of your son, she did.
That didn't keep her away from him because when he got out of jail, they still were together. Just not with my ss around and there was nothing we could do about it. Different state, different rules.
ss isn't allowed around the kids
ss is to blame when it comes to my bs
There is record of it.
There is record of it. Without saying who does what for where it has been documented. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I know that my apologizes do not make it better but I am so sorry...and I am sorry other people have gone through this as well.
We thought about having cameras installed here, but instead, he stays away.
For my bs...I cant wait for him to go!
I only know of one person
I only know of one person that this happened to and the mother contacted the police and there was a restraining order put on the teenage boy,they stopped all connections with the teenage boy, and the father also distanced himself as it was the boys little sister he abused.
It's great to see your DH being supportive and understanding of the situation. I was just wondering if my DH would be as understanding cooperative if this same situation happened with SS13. My DH son is 13 and I do not refer to him as my step son, but If 'ss13' sexually abused one of my boys I would be doing exactly what you have done. Seeking out therapy, for my son and myself. Contacting the authorities. Where I live social services would be involveD to a point.
As a social worker myself (with adults ) I know that sexual offences usually happen more than once especially if they are not getting help a boy who is 14 years old is very capable of knowing the difference between right and wrong, unless there is a mental disability of some sort -FASD, Intelectual disability but even then the child has learned it from somewhere. The fact your BM dated a child sexual offender-clearly states she is absolutely stupid, very irresponsible, and a complete idiot. There is absolutely nothing you can do about that because she will make her own choices, and yourself and DH did the right thing by getting custody of SS . unfortunately that did not work out to well in the end and I am very sorry for your situation. There can be a happy ending. Your going about it the right way, and keeping SS away from your family is necessary. DH should understand this, and do not worry about what BM thinks !! This is BM problem now, her son and his behaviour and choices in life is HER problem, not yours anymore. BM will have to deal with any other incidents in the future with her kid, because if he reoffends again (most likely will) other parents will be pressing charges and BM will have a hole lot of issues on her hands. SS is solely BM responsibility, not yours, and to be quite honest DH should take a step back too. DH can love his son and try to be there for him but from a distance ansd it may be really heartbreaking that DH won't be able to spend as much time with his son or 'be a family ' and expect this to be harder on the son because in reality he is losing apart of his father too. Boys need a dad (my opinion) but at the same time DH has to also keep his boundaries in a situation like this. Now there is mental issues sexual abuse -huge issues.