Putting the kids to bed
Forums:
My husband and I had the discussion this morning that I think it is odd that he has to "put the kids to bed"(his words) when they are at our house. My step daughters are 10 & 12. In my opinion, they are old enough to go to bed on their own. What are your thoughts?
I don't have kids of my own
I don't have kids of my own which is why I posted this in "Bio kid free zone". but thanks for your thoughts.
I don't have kids, either,
I don't have kids, either, but liked my Dad to "tuck me in" because we spent a few minutes talking. As Daddy's Girl, that was HUGE for me - and my parents weren't divorced.
"You would understand if you
"You would understand if you were thin." "You would understand if you were pretty." "You would understand if you were educated and had a good job."
When an overweight girl is glared at and body shamed for wanting to wear a bikini so she puts on a giant T-shirt instead, is it okay for her to say You'd understand if you were fat?
When a girl gets a nose job or boob job is it okay for her to say You'd understand if you were ugly?
When an uneducated person complains about not being able to get a job, which means they can't pay for more schooling, which means they can't get a better job, is it okay for them to say You'd understand if you were uneducated and couldn't get a job?
The poster isn't a mother and it's obvious because if she was a mother she'd understand tucking a child of any age into bed. It's not mean or derogatory. It's the truth.
Your post makes you sound like a special snowflake who's feeling should always be put first and the rest of us should tip toe around and not upset or hurt you.
(No subject)
:jawdrop:
Is your husband the Non
Is your husband the Non Custodial Parent (NCP)? Look at it from the kids' and your husband's point of view. It's a few minutes to spend with Dad that they don't normally have.
I don't have bios and my DH spends a few minutes each night bedside with the skids to chat.
^^This^^ Bedtime casual
^^This^^ Bedtime casual 'good-nights' sometimes allow that space for kids to open up about things that they may be worrying over. Sorta like for many couples, long drives in the cocoon of the car, allows for meaningful moments.
My SIL still tucks in her 14
My SIL still tucks in her 14 year old son and 17 year old daughter. I think the 17 year old enjoys the time with her mother. SIL claims the 14 yo boy won't sleep without her next to him, and I think it's a bit much at their ages, but if that's the routine she created, so be it.
I'm at home with my 5,4, and 16 month old sons, and I am looking forward to being able to tell them to go to bed on their own. I can imagine that if I wasn't with them so much I would feel differently, and I can imagine I will miss these days in the not too distant future.
This is not really unusual as
This is not really unusual as you have seen from the other posters. My DH would often go tell the girls stories when they went to bed and not into their teens really, but probably up until 12 or so. Other people seem to have a longer time frame.
I don't think this is something that you should "comment on" negatively with him. To be honest, a guy who is actually trying to do a parent activity with his kids instead of pushing off the responsibility. According to other people on this site's experiences, you are lucky. Let him enjoy his kids and you enjoy your "me time"
SD12 goes to bed all on her
SD12 goes to bed all on her own, some kind of "switch" went off for her around age 10.5 or 11 and she wanted NOTHING to do with dad and saying good night any longer. She will come up around the time we go to bed and say good night super fast as she walks through the living room.
SD10 loves the ritual still. She'll be told it's bed time, or reading time, and she'll always pipe up, "Should I get my PJs on?" Yes. "Should I brush my teeth?" Yes. Then DP will be down to say goodnight. Basically she knows how to do it, but DP and her will usually chat a bit and he'll turn off her overhead light, make sure the door is cracked so the cat can go out, and that's it. He doesn't really "tuck her in" any longer. And this all goes out the window if she's got a sleepover.
I'm in the same boat with
I'm in the same boat with notthemomma, I too think it is weird my SO spends an hour and a half each night putting two 14 YO's to bed but I am not a mom so what do I know about what is weird? LMAO-
Since you aren't a mom you don't possibly understand about putting children to bed
Since you haven't been homeless we don't need to hear your thoughts on the subject
Since you've never been addicted to drugs you can't quite possibly understand so please be quiet
You've never been molested or raped so you can't say anything about it
You don't have to actually experience something to have a question about it, think it is weird or to have a opinion people. GUBM crap.
Saying someone doesn't get it
Saying someone doesn't get it because they aren't a parent. BAD
Saying someone doesn't get it because they aren't a step parent. NOT BAD
:? :? :? :?
Damn there is a lot of
Damn there is a lot of hostility in this thread. Because she finds it odd that her husband puts the kids to bed she is bitter, resentful, and miserable? Good Lord.
OP, as many already said, your DH doesn't "have" to put them to bed. At this age it's probably more for him than them. If you think it's odd, it's not. If you're feeling excluded, don't. It just a sweet, fleeting ritual that your DH will miss terribly when they become older and no longer let him tuck them in at night.
FWIW, DH used to do it every night as well and yes, it annoyed me at times, mainly when he would fall asleep in their room and I would need to wake him up to come to bed. Pretty sure that doesn't automatically make me a bitter, resentful stepmom.
Thank you. Some commenters
Thank you. Some commenters are reading a whole lot into this post that just isn't there. I read it as a simple question...posted in the Bio Child Free Zone deliberately, implying that the questions IS: "Hey! I don't have kids. Is this weird? When do they start putting themselves to bed?"
It's a common developmental question. Like: When do they typically potty train? What's teething like? When should I expect them to dress themselves?
Jumping all over the OP for not "getting it" because she doesn't have kids is absolutely absurd, given that the fact that she doesn't have kids is the ENTIRE PREMISE of the question. I read zero bitterness or resentment in this question...that was all provided by the people leaving comments. To me, it sounds like she's curious and wanting outside input.
To answer your question OP, I don't think it's strange...my dad tucked me in until I started hitting puberty and it became clear that it made me a little uncomfortable. About 12-13, I think. It will likely end very soon for these two.
I joined this forum because I
I joined this forum because I wanted to talk to other people in a similar situation. I thought it would be good for me and my family if I was able to get others perspectives. I came in very open to "constructive criticism" because that can help a person grow. Unfortunately, I'm finding that most are just very cruel and hurtful. Thank you to those who provided me with their opinions in a respectful way. I appreciated hearing both sides of the spectrum and it has answered my question that this is normal for parents to still tuck their kids in at that age.
To the others who felt the need to totally tear me apart....it's a shame because I thought this would be a safe place to express my feelings and talk to other moms who have step children and/or children of their own without being judged. I do not hate my stepchildren. I love them very much. I am happy with my husband and my life. Things can just be difficult at times, as they can be for anyone and I thought it would be nice to have other people to talk to about it.
Well, I didn't really see
Well, I didn't really see anything wrong with your question. Actually, it was an honest question.
You just have to remember that you're on a site where people give and take advice in equal measure. My best advice to you, is learn to navigate through the negative and positive bull$hit that will be thrown at you. Don't take anything personally. Sometimes, people here, will read more in to what's being written and come at you with attitude, some will be having a bad day, others are working on issues of their own, etc., etc., etc. Take what you need and leave the rest. It is a very good site (even with some of the back biting and snarkiness) so don't let it get to you.
For the record, if your DH feels that tucking them in is important, (for whatever reason) there's no real harm in it.
My parents stopped the whole tucking thing after we turned 8, but that was their decision. I don't remember caring one way or the other, just so long as I had my nightlight on, lol.
Edited to add:
I read your other post, and am thinking that maybe your DH is sticking with the 'tucking in' since your 10 yr old SD seems to be struggling. Maybe he's thinking that they need that little extra dad time. Just a thought.
That is very possible. Thank
That is very possible. Thank you very much for your thoughts. I really appreciate it
I can say that before I had
I can say that before I had kids of my own, I thought I had a whole bunch of things I "wouldn't do." This probably would have been on that list.
Now that I have kids, half of those things are out the window. The question is actually, "Do these things cause an issue."
Saying good night and unwinding the day with your children when they are still minors when they are going to bed (like going to their rooms, giving them a pat and telling them good night) are not a problem unless the kids start demanding it/using it as a way to manipulate/using it as a time to talk shit about someone, etc. Then that's a huge problem because it underlies something else.
What I'm saying is, it's okay to change your perspective when you get new pieces of information.
Sometimes if I go to my parents for a day, and I take a nap in the guest room, before I sleep, my mom comes in and talks to me about what's going on in our lives. And I'm 27. That's sort of her way of still tucking me in, but like a child. Every family has special rituals that make them feel loved and solidifies their relationship. As long as it isn't something negative, there really shouldn't be a problem.
I concur that there might be other issues present that is causing these feelings of "weirdness" for the OP about this.
Woah, you really got attacked
Woah, you really got attacked for an honest question! And to be honest, I have felt that way many times!
My SD13 and SS11 won't even think about going to bed without their Dad lying in bed with them until they fall asleep. In fact, the SD13 will say at 7pm (7pm!!) that she wants to go to bed, so she can lie in bed with her Dad cuddling.
Do I find this weird and strange? Yes! Because at that age, when I was 13.5 years old, I was not lying in bed cuddling with my Dad, with my baby blanket (bubba). I think there is an age when she should just "go to bed!". She doesn't do this with her Mum, only her Dad.
I understand that you get to talk to your kids and see how their day went, but, after they are toddlers, "being tucked into bed", shouldn't happen. In fact, if when I was 13 years old classmates found out I had to be "tucked in" I would be embarrassed.
I have come to realize that it isn't anything to be threatened about. I think i was threatened by it at one point. She (and even the SS11) obviously "need" that time, they aren't as emotionally stable as I was at that age. I was much more mature then they are. And I think that's why it bothered me -- because to me "tucking in" in a baby thing, and I want them to mature and grow and develop.
It seems like this generation does a lot of helicopter parenting and feels they have to baby their children. Do for them instead of teach them. People are afraid to let their kids grow. This scares me. For centuries kids have pretty much been raised the same way, and now we are holding their hands and giving them fairytale childhoods putting us in debt. Doesn't make sense to me.
Anyways, I hear ya. I don't much like the tuck in, but, it's not going to go away.
Thank you so much!!! It's
Thank you so much!!! It's nice to know someone out there understands what I meant. Like you, it was more about the babying of the kids then anything. It's not that I'm mad that he's spending time with his kids or that I am jealous. I just thought they were a little old for that. I just really care about them and want them to have some sense of independence. I don't want them going off to college or the "real world" not knowing how to do anything on their own. The helicopter parenting drives me crazy! I have noticed that as time goes on, my husband doesn't coddle as much. I think that when the divorce was still fresh, he felt a sense of guilt for the family being broken up(even though the X was the cheater)and that's why he was more of a "Disney dad". I'm seeing that time is really is the answer for a lot of the issues in blended families.
^^^^^^ Great
^^^^^^ Great response!!!^^^^^^^