While I do think it's rude to only speak Portuguese around you, why don't you learn Portuguese?

You can not control the way other people behave, you can only control the way you react to them.
Take the power to exclude you away from them.

I would tell the kids when they arrive that if they only want to speak Portuguese they will have to only talk to their father. You will be unable to help them at all. Then if they all do the Portuguese thing tell DH that as you are not welcome in your own home he can have at it and go to a hotel for the night.

Learning another language does not happen overnight. And frankly just speaking a foreign language around others who don't is just rude. My father is Dutch and has Dutch friends. His sister would deliberately speak Dutch in front of my mother (who speaks English). What she didn't realise is my mother had picked up enough Dutch to know what she was saying. And she would speak to her SIL in English but let her know full well she understood everything her SIL had said.

Also I agree, DH shouldn't allow them to disrespect you like this. Although you may want to just tell him "OK, I am off to speak with my English friends. Bye!" And let him deal with all the kid-crap.

It is INCREDIBLY RUDE to speak a language that others do not understand unless you have no alternative.

My French is no where near fluent - yet I struggle to communicate in French when I'm with a French speaking person who speaks zero English. Why aren't people willing to at least try to be compassionate and caring any more?

At meals and time together directly with you, yes they should speak English. But I would insist on them speaking Portugese at home because I would want them to retain the language. I imagine they would not get a ton of practice and would want them to continue.

Your not speaking Portugese was not an after marriage surprise. Your husband must have known this. He chose to date and marry someone who does not speak the language he chooses to speak during his custodial time.

And when you were dating, what language did the kids and he speak when you were around? If they spoke Englsh then they should be speaking English now. If they spoke Portugese then they are just repeating their behavior.

As I see it you have two choices. Choice one is to learn Portugese. Choice two is to disengage when they speak Portugese. Disengage as in pretend they, both skids and H, are not there. They are a family that you are sharing space with. Plan your life on his custodial time on your own.

As someone whose first marriage had a similar language component my opinion is that if H wanted to continue to speak Portugese in his home he should have used Portugese fluency in deciding who to date. My first husband knew when we dated that I did not speak the language he grew up speaking and there was never a question of speaking anything but English in our home.

My first language is English, my SO's is Spanish. We live in a Spanish-speaking country. Before DD was born, we agreed that I will always speak English to her: it's the only way she will learn it and I refuse to have her grow up unable to communicate with half her family due to a language issue. Therefore I speak to DD only in English, irrespective of who is around me, as this is the only way she has to learn how to use the language in every situation.

So, I speak English to DD and Spanish to SO and SDs. At the same time, my SO and SDs will often speak in English to DD (they are not fluent speakers, but they pick up a lot from me, and DD is 3 so the level of language used is not exactly complicated as yet ). DD speaks English to me and Spanish to the rest of the family. She is also learning the local language at school.

If SO and I separated, and I met someone else that dd not speak English, there is no way I would stop speaking English to my daughter to accommodate a new person. And I would not intend to be rude: speaking to me is the only practice she gets and the only way she will learn. That said, I would explain this to the new person beforehand and be happy to translate as necessary. And if DD spoke Spanish to this person, that would be fine: I only insist that she speaks in English to me.

Your SO and SKs are being rude if they refuse to translate for you while you do not speak the language: thatt said, you married into this family so I would expect you to make the effort to learn it. I would also expect the family to give you every assistance in doing so, and to translate for you when you are unsure. It's a 50/50 situation.

I live in the Netherlands - majority language is Dutch. I speak French (and some English) to my DD2. I speak English to my DH. I speak Dutch to Dutch-speaking friends, neighbours and while conducting my life over here.

My DH doesn't speak French. Sometimes he feels a bit excluded when I talk to DD in French, but mostly he is just nosy and wants to know everything that is going on. He doesn't really care about what shoes she puts on or whether she did a big or a small poo.

I used to feel excluded when my DH would do stuff in Dutch. So I learned Dutch. Now I do it all lol!

In all seriousness, it's understandable that you feel left out due to the language. But it's not necessary that you know all that occurs between your partner and his kids, since their relationship has nothing to do with you. If you are co-parenting in your home with your partner (by that I mean, you are not disengaged), then you and your partner have to agree that you will be told what you need to know in order to parent appropriately. Otherwise, I'd disengage.

Further, I'd ask for certain times of day to be English-only. Like dinnertime. And if the skids are watching English-langauge TV, I'd take that as an invitation to chat with you in English - if you want to chat in English with them so badly.

I think that one way to tackle this is for the OP to learn the language BUT ... I think a big part of that responsibility is with her DH/SO.

My SO and his family speak another language. I wanted to learn his language and got books, CDs, downloads, etc. to learn to do so. No matter how hard I studied or tried on my own, I never got the hang of it because he didn't want to practice with me - he prefers to speak English at home. The fact is the best way to learn a language is to CONVERSE in it REGULARLY.

If OP is truly interested in learning the language, which is a good idea and she should be commended for at least trying, then I suggest she ask her DH/SO to spend time with her every day and HELP HER learn the language.

But I do agree that there should be a compromise in the meantime. Skids should not giving up speaking their language in the home, but there should be some accommodation to include OP during certain timeframes - like meals, etc. The SO needs to be the one to enforce it, if he wants this relationship to work.

I absolutely do not expect my SO's family to speak English when I am visiting them in their country but they do make the effort and I appreciate it. I also make an attempt to respond/speak as best I can in theirs - which usually gives us all a good laugh!

I must admit that after a certain period of time, it does get draining trying to do two languages. They usually switch to their language pretty exclusively by the second day. My SO doesn't see his family that often and I figure I don't want to be a burden on him; I want him to have a good time with them without having to translate everything - which gets draining mentally for him. There are times I sit and have no idea what they are talking about but I just choose to sit and enjoy my own thoughts if I can't follow along, or I pick up something to read, etc.

I also tell everyone that I am fine with them having their conversations. That's the way I choose to deal with it and it seems to work for me. I do wish my SO had been better about helping me learn the language, as some of this would have been mitigated had my language skills improved. But it didn't, so I've had to adapt.

On the other hand, I do understand how it can make a person feel excluded and it would be especially so if it's in your own home on a regular basis. With a new relationship, even moreso. Right or wrong, I can understand how that feels.

As someone who is bilingual, married to a husband who is not, I understand your frustration if your DH does not translate for you. My family is Chinese by ethnicity, and my parents find it difficult to converse in english (like, very difficult--my mom will confuse words like caterpillar and helicopter and then everyone will be confused. My dad got his MBA here but he is still more comfortable in his native language.) so in the past it meant nothing for me and my sister to jump from english to mandarin and then back again, but once I got married, I didn't realize DH sometimes felt isolated.

Which is weird, because he's really shy anyway and has said multiple, multiple times he likes going to my parents house because no one bothers him and just keeps putting food in front of him so he doesn't have to make smalltalk. Turns out he doesn't want to be spoken TO but wants to know what we're talking ABOUT. (This drove me crazy because for the longest time he just could not articulate what he meant since I had said my dad is more than happy to practice his english on him and talk to him about guy stuff since my dad has no sons and he kept saying no, he'll feel weird.)

So I translate for him. Sometimes, if I forget, and my mom thinks whatever we're saying is very interesting (like a funny joke) she'll poke me and demand I translate for DH. DH, of course, just smiles and says, "That's interesting." in a "I don't know what to say next" way which totally bugs me because then the conversation sort of stops, but if it makes him comfortable, I'll do it. Just wish he'd be a bit more interactive.

I think the ONLY time he genuinely cracked up at a joke (which is kind of hard because punchlines have a lot to do with how it sounds in mandarin) was when we were all talking about martial arts and my mom asked if it was true you can make one hand bigger and one hand smaller just by thinking about it (some "chi" work or something) and then followed it up with, "Can that work with breasts too?" My dad was mortified but everyone else was DYING.

Anyway, the point is, you can't ask them not to SPEAK their language to each other, it feels like an insult (we got into fights because he thinks I'm yelling at my mom on the phone when we're just having a very animated conversation--which I said I'll translate after) but you can and SHOULD ask if your DH can translate what was said either during or after.

heathcat, ask your dh for help in teaching you. portuguese should not be that difficult as a lot of words are similar to many english words (if they are latin-based). immersion is one of the hardest, but fastest, ways to learn another language. trust me, i know how horrible that isolation feels. but you can get past it and learn it, especially if your dh HELPS you.

duolingo is a great start. you can also watch language tutorials on youtube. one thing that especially helped me is to learn to read the language. each region has their own slight pronounciation differences, like american accents. if you can match a verbal word with the written, it makes a stronger connection in your brain.

for example, in spanish, it took me the longest time to figure out what in the HELL "bamoja" meant. it was actually "vamos a" - 'let's go to'. but hearing and seeing at the same time helped me understand better and get better at understanding their own inflections and accents.

it's not something that happens overnight, but it is totally do-able. like i said, i totally understand about the isolation. but ask for help "what does xyz mean?" "why is it xyz and not zyx?" "can you say it a bit slower so i can hear each syllable?"