Living arrangement
This is my first post, so hopefully I can keep it short and sweet...
I have been with my BF for 2 years (I'm 47, he's 51),and I have no bio children. He has 3: son 20, son 18 and daughter 12. He has a home 5 miles from me, which he has completely neglected since his divorce 4 years ago, but has been staying at my house with his daughter for at least the past 8 months. We have his daughter every weekend and on nights she has sports (twice during the week right now and tourneys just about every weekend). I have a decent relationship with her and enjoy going to her sporting events, etc. The problem is her attitude is horrible... she treats "no" as the beginning of a negotiation, and literally throws a tantrum until she gets her way. I live in a condo and she was screaming so loud one night I was truly afraid that my neighbors were going to call the police. Bio mom is a screamer, but the kids all know that I have a very strict "no yelling" policy at my house - I don't believe in it and it only escalates the situation. I try to be dispassionate disengage and let my BF handle it, and that has been working to a degree. He typically gives in to her and I feel like he's not willing to put effort in managing her behavior and takes the easy way out every time. I point out that he is just rewarding the behavior and it will never change if he continues to do so.
BF and bio mom are talking about changing custody arrangement to week-on, week-off, which I am all for. However, I just can't imagine having her in my house for a week straight. She's a total slob, doesn't pick up after herself and blows me off when I ask her to do something. My BF is pretty supportive about stepping in, but he's not a very good example (he does all the same things!) I'm at a point where I feel the maid and am constantly picking up after everyone and I'm starting to feel resentful. I try to joke around with them and say we're going to be on the next episode of Hoarders if they don't clean up (I admit, I am a neat freak - but I feel like if I give an inch this place will be an absolute sty in a matter of days).
I really want to have a conversation with him about staying at his house the nights he has his daughter,but I have no idea how to even broach the subject. I still want to be involved in her life, and don't want her to think I hate her, but I'm over being disrespected in my own home.
Of course, I could go on and on with details, but that's pretty much the gist of it.
Thoughts??
Tell him exactly what you
Tell him exactly what you wrote; that you still want to be involved but you refuse to be disrespected in your own home.
Having his daughter there on weekends is a lot different than everyday for a week, let him know that you are not ready for that.
He has his own place, time to clean it up and move back in.
You've let them "stay" there for the last 8 months, no matter how you word it, he's going to take it negatively and feel like you are kicking them out.
While he's been living with you, is he helping pay the bills?
^^^^This^^^^
^^^^This^^^^
A little update...the
A little update...the conversation about needing to stay at his house when he has his daughter went well. He sees/understands what a challenge she is. But recently I can't stand being around her. You never know when her mood is going to snap. This past Sunday we were at my house for dinner and things were great until the conversation came around to where she is going to school next year (super long story - her mom moved to another district and put her in a new school last year... that whole story is a post in and of itself). Everyone was on the same page 2 weeks ago, and now her mom is waffling saying she needs to talk to her dad about it. Of course, when things don't go her way she throws a fit. I just went into the kitchen and started cleaning up. She came in and when I looked at her she said "What? You're just giving me dirty looks" I said "you deserve dirty looks - you're a rude, ungrateful disrespectful little girl." Ultimately, she ended up going to her mom's that night. Yesterday, she was having issues with texting (said she couldn't text her mom - I have a feeling she was just ignoring her... she was able to text her dad). My BF told her to see if she was able to text me... after we saw that it worked she sent me "sorry for being a butthole. I know that doesn't make anything better." My response, "Thank you for that, but talk is cheap. You need to think about how your're treating the people that care about you." (she apologizes all the time, but never changes her behavior). Her response, "Okay, whatever. sorry for apologizing". I didn't respond to that.
I know there will be an issue tonight... she has softball games (double-header) and I really don't want to go. My BF will be hurt, but I really want to send a message that I don't allow people to treat me the way that she has been and continue doing nice things for them. I also don't want her to think that she has the power to break up her dad and me, so I'm torn. All of the adults in her life allow themselves to be manipulated by her, and I refuse to add myself to that mix. Ugh.
A text pseudo-apology?
A text pseudo-apology? Pffffft. Time to block her. If she wants to apologize, she can do it VERBALLY.
Here is my read on the
Here is my read on the situation. This girl is 12 and has a dad who isn't any better than her about keeping things clean. You said he neglected stuff at his own home and does no better taking care of things at your home. YOU are the one cleaning up after everyone. From what I can tell, He is living with you FT and she is there more than 1/2 the time like 4 days a week. I think going every other week would actually result in her being at your place LESS but the days would be straight through.
The stuff you say about her seems very typical and not out of the ordinary for a 12 yo girl. They are messy, self absorbed beings who don't know how to deal with conflict and not getting their way. She is dealing with divorce and having to schlep herself back and forth between houses where rules and stuff is all different.
I understand why she would have your number. She basically lives at your house a lot of the time and there might be a legit reason she needs to contact you.
Since you don't have any Bios at all, you are in my situation. I sometimes tended to try to deal with the kids as if they were rational adult peers. I know they aren't but I tried lol. When she apologized to you, she KNOWS she acted badly. It means she understands that there is an impact to how her behavior affects other people. That doesn't mean the behavior will necessarily stop, but at least she seems to care whether she has hurt you. I understand her response to your mini lecture on her behavior after the apology. Kids communicate more with text vs face to face. That doesn't make her apology fake or any less genuine. I think you hurt her feelings by not being more understanding when she apologized. I can imagine this school choice thing is really high stakes for a girl that age and probably involves a lot of fear of the unknown on her part and stress. It also might be frustrating to her that she apparently has little say or control in the outcome. Yes, ultimately it's the parental decision, but still sucks to be forced to do something you don't want to do and probably warrants being a little hissy fit over it.
Anyway, the way I see it the biggest issue you have is with the SO and the fact that he has modeled really poor household responsibility for his daughter. You are tired of picking up after everyone and I imagine your BF being there full time means he is a bigger culprit than she is. Though girls can amass an incredible amount of stuff!
As for going to the game. I think you said you enjoyed attending these events, so why not go? I think if you start cutting the girl a little bit of a break because a lot of the issues are a little out of her control. She is a pre-teen UGH! Dad is not doing his part to parent her properly. That is NOT her fault. Don't blame the dog for jumping on you, blame the owner for not training the dog. Daddy needs to step up more. It goes without saying that you need to set some ground rules for the house. It's not about her as much as him. He needs to contribute to upkeep and even finances if he is there that much. He also should be the one to parent his daughter.