CS not being used for SS
I posted on here before about this but now it has escalated. Dh filed with courts to establish his rights as a father and get visitation with overnights established. He filed everything, long story short BM refused to divulge her financial info and pay her filing fee and when she called the office back they told her the case was dismissed. DH lawyer told him to write her a personal check every month for the cs amount and to write "child support for (child's name)" in the memo. He has been doing this for over a year now and following the court orders to a T. She has reluctantly been following the visitation schedule as well. These last couple of weekend visits we have noticed SS coming over in shoes with holes in them. He has several pairs of new shoes, we see these during our weekday visits, however on our weekend visits she sends him over in the worst clothing and shoes imaginable. I personally am not worried, I know she does this to rile up DH and make him feel like he isn't doing enough, but it works. We have clothing and shoes for his visits, but it makes DH mad because he worries about SS well being when we don't have him. We have noticed more and more things missing when SS comes over. When DH dropped him off the other week, he said it looked like their house was under construction. Nothing that needed to be done mind you (needs a new roof) but new carpet, new appliances, stupid cosmetic stuff that she never would have had the money for before the cs. DH said he snuck in the kitchen when BM went upstairs to get something and he looked in the refrigerator and cupboards, there was hardly and food or anything of nutritional value in the house. Isn't there something in the state of MN where the mom has to PROVE she is spending the cs on the CHILD??? It's not "vacation" or "fun" money, its for ss!!! Last Sunday at drop off, BM brother (who lives with BM along with 6 other of her family members) was talking about wanting DH to pay for SS to join karate. DH got mad and said "that's what her child support is to go towards, I'm not paying for all of it myself if that's what she wants him in she can help pay" and her brother responded "oh no, that's HER money".....um NO.....that's SS money.....I guess I don't understand how this cs thing works. SS appears healthy and happy, but we are worried.
Because she doesn't approve
Because she doesn't approve how she believes the CS is being spent
Problem with that is BM does not need her approval nor does BM have to 'prove' the support by materialistic merchandise. Shelter, utilities and such are an appropriate usage of CS.
If I were the BM in this case, I'd put up nanny cams and limit Dad's assess to curbside exchanges.
No I'm not saying its okay he
No I'm not saying its okay he hasn't done it before it was just in a moment of parental panic. I should have added a detail; (I wasn't there this is according to him) He wouldn't normally be in the home, BM had wanted to revise the upcoming holiday parenting time drop off day to fit her schedule better and needed a calendar to document her change for work. DH was invited in with son to wait, BM went upstairs to get schedule, ss whined for a drink, dh goes to get him something; nothing in fridge, dh panics and snooped.
Its been rainy the last two weeks here, ss is picked up from the bus stop as court says, that would mean its been rainy all day and ss was outside waiting for the bus to and from school in holey shoes. Holey shoes and wearing clothes that don't fit are happening more and more frequently and DH paranoia got the best of him "holes in shoes mean she's not doing her job as a parent and omg what else could be happening to my child?" (panic*panic*panic!!!!). Please don't assume the "good stuff" won't be sent back, we have things for him too. Ss goes home in the clothes he came over in if they fit, if not, we send the small clothes back in his bag with him and he wears something from our place back to BM, which is sometimes (but not too often) returned at a much later date. Three of our pairs of shoes have "vanished" from her house when we have had him wear them home, shoddy shoes again on the next pick up. My question was a general one, before and after my parents went to court to establish child support I remember occasionally having to drive over to help my mom organize a ton of receipts concerning my siblings groceries, medical, and other things several times a year. That was many years ago, I don't know how it is now or why we were even doing it then, I was just wondering. Cosmetics on a house don't sound like "child support" to me, Dh says that the home improvement company started showing up at the same time that ss started wearing too small of clothing and shoes with holes to school. I remembered my mom's receipt ordeal and wondered if that was what it was about and if states required it.
You are both nuts. Your
You are both nuts. Your husband pays the court ordered amount. What BM does with it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
Mine your own business. Stay out of BM's house. Your DH had no right to trespass in her home and snoop. OMFG. You and he are very disturbed if you think that was even remotely OK.
Of course CS is not being
Of course CS is not being used to care for the kid. It seems that that is rarely the case.
And no, it is highly unlikely that any state requires a CP to prove where CS is spent. For many situations it is too bad that the CP does not have to account for how CS is spent. In other situations... the NCP has no business how money in the CP household is spent and vise versa. Unless of course if the kid is being neglected in either household. In that case... call CPS.
As the SP in the CP household I would not stoop to providing any information on how any money in my household is spent ... particularly to the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan. Oh, they have asked. I gave a typically insulting answer like "Your pittance of monthly CS is less than 1/100 of 1% of my annual salary level so kiss my ass and CS is less than 1/10 of 1% of my wife's annual salary so kiss her ass too. We don't live in mommy and daddy's house rent free, they don't support our kid or my brother's kids, so you have some work to do before you get any accounting of CS from us. If you would like to ask this question in court... lets go!!!"
Unfortunately, whilst CS is
Unfortunately, whilst CS is supposed to be used to benefit the child, it is down to the person in receipt of the CS to dictate how that is in the best interest of the child.
In some households CS is used towards paying bills; rent, electricity, etc. In others its grocery money, in others its for extras. It really depends on what the individual person who receives it decides.
The person paying the CS doesnt get a say, sad but true.
All your DH can do is focus on making sure that HE provides for his son on his time with his son and draw some big boundaries between himself and the BM. There is absolutely no reason for your DH to be in BMs house, or BMs kitchen. If a handover/ collection/drop off needs to be done at the house then its a car at the end of the drive and having the kid come out or watch from the car for the kid to go in. If its an apartment block then yeah ok maybe walk them to the door.
DH needs to stop obsessing over what goes on in BMs house because he only sees what BM wants him to see and half of that is designed to irritate him. If BM sends SS to you in poorly fitted clothes you have two choices, you send him back in the same outfit, or you send him back in more appropriate clothes with the clothes from BM in a bag. But bare in mind, you may get frustrated that good clothes may not return. Its a sad game alot of parents seem to play.
Forunately for my SD her BM doesnt play that game, BM dresses SD however she wants, and puts any extra clothes from us in SDs bag, and we in turn ensure any clothes from BM are returned, either by SD wearing them back to her or in a bag.
Your DH needs to focus on his own home and needs to be obsessing less over BMs. He needs to accept the fact that there is little he can do to change what BM chooses to do, but he does have the ability to control his own home environment.
And when it comes down to extra activities, your DH needs to look over the CO and if extra activities arent covered or if he disagrees with what is there then he needs to get a lawyer to iron it out. Often parents are 50/50 responsible for paying for extra activities, but I would always suggest there be a clause that for 50/50 payment, then both parents have to agree to the activity, else you can end up with BM signing SS up for every activity under the sun just to spend some more of your money, if she is so inclined.
Our BM used CS as her income
Our BM used CS as her income and did not work. The skids got what they needed from other relatives' generosity. For a while, we lived in a extreme fixer-upper house and drove a 20 year old car while BM and 2 skids lived in a brand new 5 bedroom house with a brand new car.
Yes it is frustrating but there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it unless the skid is being neglected - then call CPS. But you might not get far with that either. They are so overloaded that unless BM is prostituting herself for crack while having skid take pictures, they will make sure the skid doesn't have abuse marks and let it go.
You're correct - you don't
You're correct - you don't know how this CS thing works.
Like another poster stated: CS is the monetary contribution towards the child's basic needs. And chances are, BM is most likely matching that amount, out of her own pocket, to provide even more. Basically, it all comes out in the wash.
You'd think DH would be okay with updates to the home. His child resides there.
The shoes and clothing issue - this isn't uncommon. My DH's ex did the same exact thing. When SK was dropped-off, we immediately changed her into properly fitting clothes and shoes. We'd set aside those clothes to send her home in, because you guessed it, (new) clothes and shoes DH purchased never made their way back to our house. It is what it is and a lawyer will most likely instruct your DH to do exactly this. It's petty behavior, yes, but nothing worth taking a parent (back) to court over.
^^^THIS^^^ Also tell your DH
^^^THIS^^^
Also tell your DH not to go snooping through BM's house again. The skids are not neglected, it's none of anyone's business what is or isn't there.
Yep.. the BM always sent the
Yep.. the BM always sent the girls in "rags" to our home as well. If we bought them new things when they were with us and they went to the BM we never saw them again.
But, kids are funny and sometimes they will let you buy things they don't even like that just get shoved away and never worn. (OSD was famous for this, she was so picky but wouldn't say she didn't like things). They will often "trade" things with friends which was something my YSD was big on. We finally had to dictate that there was to be NO SWAPPING of things we bought for her. She still would forget things and not remember who's house etc. And yes, kids will sometimes favor an old worn out item and not want to wear the newer.
The food situation is tricky. In our situation, the kids ate like starved orphans when they were with us and couldn't really give us much reassurance that they were being fed regular, healthy meals. To this day, BM and the girls do most of their dining at MCD's or the local mexican place. I don't think BM cooked much at all and there was rarely any food in the house for the girls to eat. We would occasionally (and MIL would too) buy sandwich stuff to leave with the girls so that there was something in the house.
The problem is that even if BM isn't feeding them 100% right, it's really hard to prove because the kids will likely defend mom even if she is in the wrong. All you can do is control what happens at YOUR house.
You and DH will need to let go of trying to figure out where she spends her money. Unfortunately, you have no right to control and certainly shouldn't be snooping. Now, if the kid says he never gets fed, that is something you can possibly deal with, but sometimes kids will say there is "nothing to eat" when the pantry is full. Just not full of "what they have a taste for."
Well put, HeavenLike. OP,
Well put, HeavenLike.
OP, this reeks of entitlement, sadly. Be thankful BM chooses to drop money on house updates rather illegal drugs like many CPs get away with. Let it go.
Again, he did not sneak in,
Again, he did not sneak in, BM invited him in to discuss parenting time. The only thing he shouldn't have done was snoop in the kitchen. SS wanted a drink. He isn't allowed to get it himself. DH panicked when he saw the empty refrigerator and jumped to conclusions. I agree with everyone on here that nobody always has a full kitchen, but it caused DH to panic. As far as the activities go, BM doesn't want DH to have ss on "her time" (understandable) but she doesn't drive... so for ss to be in any activity that isn't within walking distance of the home, it would have to be during dh time. The last activity bm wanted ss in that they mutually agreed on, ss missed all of the days that fell on BM days because she refused other means of transportation to get ss there, she just wanted dh to bring him on "his days" and said that was enough. It wasn't, he was removed from the activity due to missed days.
1) The CS is not SS's money.
1) The CS is not SS's money. It's ordered to be paid to BM because it's her money.
2) If your DH doesn't want to pay for karate, he is not obligated to do so. However, BM isn't obligated to use CS to pay for it either.
3) It isn't up to your DH to determine what is necessary or acceptable for BM to upgrade in HER home.
4) Is BM invited into your home??? When your DH drops SS off at BM's house, there is absolutely ZERO reason for him to walk inside.
5) Even more inappropriate than going into her home, he snooped through HER stuff! He knew it was inappropriate. That's why he waited until she went upstairs to rifle through her cabinets & refrigerator.
BM is not obligated to see that his shoes & clothes meet your approval. She doesn't grocery shop to meet your nutritional value expectations.
You stated yourself, your SS appears to be happy & healthy. LEAVE IT ALONE!
How on earth are you getting
How on earth are you getting that it costs $1941 per month to raise two kids??
Sounds like you are doing Medusa math....
it costs us about 1500/m.
it costs us about 1500/m. even tho' they're 2 out of 4 people, i figure our home and utility expenses are about 30% more than if it was just dh and i. their health insurance premiums are much less than dh's and mine. but OMG they are freaking food dumpsters! and lurch's car insurance. and phones. and gas to schools and back. so a lot if it is not considered a "need" and wouldnt be figured into what would be dumb@$$' "half" to cover the cost of their care.
we could cut down the food bill. they could ride the bus. they dont need phones. we could park lurch's car until he's got his own $ to pay the insurance/gas. we could quit using the a/c and use energy-efficient fans. we could move into a 2-br apt. but we dont, by OUR choice. none of OUR choice is any of dumb@$$' responsibility to cover. that's what a LOT of people just don't get.
this past monday dh and i
this past monday dh and i spent almost 200.00. i guarantee it'll be gone by the end of the weekend!!!
and unless they're khaki shorts (which are slimmer cut and hit right above the knee) below the knee is now the norm for shorts - think like basketball shorts...
GAH. teen boy fashion. all three of the kids are sharp-@$$ dressers tho' - when you see them with other kids, you can tell that they take pride in lookin' put together.
Bring back gauchos!!! LOL
Bring back gauchos!!! LOL
are your boys picky about
are your boys picky about certain brands? MINE ARE and it sucks! but i dont remember the last time they ever got anything full-price, they definitely know how to shop for deals. they've even gotten vineyard vines shorts and button-downs for 20-30 a piece, and abercrombie or hollister for a bit less.
watch those sales like a hawk! ebay is also good, you can buy 'lots' of certain items.
you luck duck! kohl's, target
you luck duck!
kohl's, target (for clothes it's pronounced "tar-zhay" lol), ross, marshall and tjmaxx - those are my places
h3ll even beal's has some awesome stuff.
You do realize that CS is not
You do realize that CS is not supposed to cover ALL of the rent, utilities, and food, right?
How old is this child that he
How old is this child that he is incapable of getting himself a drink in his own home?
Eight. Lives with BM. Don't
Eight. Lives with BM.
Don't all kids who live in the home 25plus days a month ask a house visitor who usually doesn't enter the house, for a drink (and one from the fridge at that)?
SS is there less then 25 days
SS is there less then 25 days a month
And yes he would ask his dad (who used to live in and still owns the home) for a drink because "mom says I can't pour juice or milk" (according to ss) 
according to ss "mom says I
according to ss "mom says I can't pour juice or milk". I don't ask, we have a drink dispenser at our house so he can just push the lever and get juice without trying to juggle a juice carton. He is kind of short for his age
how a bm uses cs money is
how a bm uses cs money is often up to her. in the case of dh, his ex used cs money to pay for the new love nest for her and second husband. dh still had to pay for many things like music lessons and school cloethes etc. (bm left dh after her affair with a married man. lover left his wife to marry bm. but good news. payback when the second husband had another woman. the shoe was on the other foot.)
i heard of bms using cs money for cosmetic surgery. the courts will only step in with gross neglegence. cs can be broadly used to provide for children, in some cases to support a new lover. sorry to hear about this.