No that wouldnt be ok with me, hes too involved in his ex. As Tommar says, for some people that might be ok, it wouldnt be ok for me and if its not ok for you then that is fine.

Let me put it another way, my DH was never married to BM but they had been together a few years before SD was born, they split when SD was newborn (focus on that word, newborn) the only contact they had was BM contacting him to ask/arrange when she could see SD. BM gained custody when SD was 2 years old and from that moment they had a formal CO in place.

My SD is 5 now, so thats still pretty young. How often do my DH and BM speak to one another? Never. They do not call, they do not text. As many visitation swop overs as possible are arranged via school, if they need to meet its at a public place and is a literal hand over with just a hello and a goodbye to SD. We are in April and my DH has had only a handful of emails from BM and that was to clarify the visitation/child care arrangements for special days between now and the end of the year.

It is totally possible to have little contact with an ex, but it has to be the persons own decision. If they are friendly and that works for them then thats fine, but if it doesnt work for you thats fine too, you dont HAVE to like the ex. You dont have to be happy about this situation and you dont have to stay in the relationship.
My only word of warning is, do not ignore your feelings about this, if you arent ok with it then that is not going to change.

There's getting along well enough to co-parent, for the sake of the kids, and then there is not letting go. And that's his business, I guess, as long as he stays single and doesn't want to be in another relationship.

They still share a bank account?

It doesn't sound like you are jealous, to me, just that you want the respect that you deserve as the current relationship partner.

It also doesn't sound like he is willing to give it to you, so....

Frankly, 3 years is way too long to have put up with this.

Unless you don't mind being a "Sister Wife", you need to reconsider this relationship as it is now.

On the surface, it sounds like your BF has a nice and friendly working relationship with his Ex. On the surface.

But ask this at the next counseling session:
#1- If the relationship between Ex and BF is "so great", why does he feel unsafe telling her needs to back off on their intimacy because it is negatively effecting his new relationship?
#2- If they truly get along so well and this friendship isn't superficial or emotional enmeshment, why didn't they just stay MARRIED?????

Edited to add: You aren't jealous. Not at all. You are feeling that there isn't room for you as a priority in this relationship, because that spot is already taken by the Ex. There is nothing wrong with admitting that. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed.

well my relationship ended

a) She would send him selfies of her with kids and he would send her selfies of him with the kids. The kids would be half cut out of the picture, eyes closed, and looking really bad in the background.
b) I intercepted a text when he asked me to bring his phone and it was her saying that he was bothering her with always asking her to reconcile cause she and her new boyfriend were looking at rings
c) she would send him video diaries of her doing her hair in her bedroom with her new husband and talking about her day and he had it saved on the laptop I had gotten him for Christmas.
d) He would facetime with his daughters and if ex would appear next to daughters he would screen shot it and save it on his phone
e) BM left their martial house and moved straight in with SO;s bestfriend that she's now married too. She got everythign she wanted out of the house when she left and in the divorce settlement. So over the course of our years together, he would bring over things like a crock pot or a beach towel or a quilt to my house. His and her kids would report back to her about these things being in my home and she would demand to him that those were her kids special memories and demand they be removed from my house, and he would.
f) When she did marry his best friend he got super depressed on their wedding day and cried and cried and cried and got drunk and said she was the love of his life and his dream girl.
g) He is a musician and he would write songs. Some would be about her. They'd were/are titled "you don't feel the same."

I put up with this nonsense for years. Years of my self respect gone. I told myself I wanted to be someone's dream girl, someone's love of their life. Not the consolation prize.

Neither his X nore yours should own the present or future. As his equity life partner you own his present and future. If he chooses to not recognize this... he is not THE one.

He is so wrapped around the axel with his X that all he has time and room for with anyone else, including you, is as a drive in sex and activity buddy. You attempted to engage a counselor to work on the issues in YOUR relationship with BF and he remained fixated on his XW.

I think that is your answer. I was fortunate during the demise of my first marriage that my XW walked out of counseling and never returned. If she had not walked I would have kept working on improving and saving the relationship which would have been equivelent to me sacrificing an opportunity at an amazing love and an amazing life I would still be struggling with what you are struggling with.

Rather than a 28+ year marriage of not being my XW's priority I escaped at 2.5 years and moved on to an amazing life, love, and 21+ year marriage to my incredible bride.

Do not give up your opportunity to have an amazing love and life with someone who puts you first. His X is who he puts first. Let him live that life without wasting your opportunity to live amazingly.

Move on to your future.

My SO pulled the "I have to do it for the kids" when we first started dating. As soon as I saw a pattern (it didn't take too long) I had to tell him that if this was the way he planning to be divorced from her then they could keep on trucking but that I had to go. About two weeks went by and during this time we didn't talk, that was the last time we ever had issues with his constant need to help and assist her. When he called he said he understood how and why I felt the way I did and he has stuck to it ever since.

You have been together for 3 years. Has this been going on the entire time or has it only been noticeable to you recently? If you have always know about how did you put up with it for so long?

I agree with the other posters, this is not acceptable to me, and it doesn't sound like it is to you either. When my SO an I started dating the excessive interaction with BM was not brought to my attention for quite a few months. It was only when SO and BM went out for a weekend "as a family" and I wasn't invited that I looked closely into the situation. It wasn't made apparent to me prior to that. My SO was very much how yours sounds. Far too enmeshed with BM. Everything from having keys to each others houses (and constantly visiting), to numerous texts/calls, schedule changes. BM would text SO to pick up groceries for her. She wouldn't stop hugging him when she saw him. SO purchased furniture and set it up in her house "for the skids". She bought gifts for him. They socialised together at SO's family events, which she always went to. Once I knew all of this I told SO that it was nice knowing him but I wasn't into a polyamorous relationship.

SO did the typical tantrum about it all being for the kids. It didn't have any affect on me. I have two bios, who are young. SO's skids are teenagers. I have virtually no contact with my ex. We have a CO in place so the schedule is set and there is no need to speak. My ex can contact my bios school for any information he needs. He is a adult and doesn't require me to hand feed him information. Only a couple of texts have needed to be sent in years and that was due to a medical issue. Other than that we parent the bios in our own houses and don't need each other for anything. My bios speak to their BD, it doesn't need to go through me. So, I knew that SO was talking out his ass when he said he had to have an excessive relationship with BM for the skids. It took a while, and no contact from me, but things have improved immensely. I still watch out for any weirdness and I do not put up with any shit. SO gets defensive and angry but I just say no problem, enjoy your life with BM, and he gets the picture.

I hear practically nothing about BM these days and haven't seen her in months. SO and I don't live together either. There is a small part of me that wonders if they still have inappropriate contact but I don't hear about it. That is something I look out for.

Does your SO have a CO in place? If so, there shouldn't be any need to speak. There is a set schedule, use it. If he doesn't then he should get one. It's ludicrous to have to reorganise a schedule constantly. Your SO and BM need to learn to depend on themselves, not each other. That is what married people do. What is it with these men? Honestly, there should be a mandatory class that people have to do when they get divorced that tells them how to not be married!!

Good luck. It's a long road to get these men to understand why having an intimate relationship with another woman is not acceptable, even if it isn't sexual.