Buying her a house...

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Jesus. Just kill me.

My h makes a very comfortable living. I am grateful for this as we have 4 children to raise.

The problem s... his daughter who is 26 feels she is entitled to him buying her a home. What???? She works part time, makes about $12./hr. How will she afford it? Easily... except her money goes to partying and liquor. My h pays the rent now which is 900.00 a month. If she buys the house it will mean a down payment for us to give but will give us relief in rent... she says. I get the feeling she will expect to he taken care of. At nearly thirty. With no dependants.

How do I cope???

The children 'to raise' are

The children 'to raise' are your kids, right? Not his biological children? You've been together less than four years. My opinion would be he had years of acquiring from 'his comfortable living' he makes, long before you and your kids came around, a good bit of his assets. Your investment/interest into any of that doesn't start until a few years ago.

So unless he's speaking of using after marriage money and/or suggesting the two of you co-sign or flat out take out a loan for his daughter's house, I'm not sure how much of a say you or your kids will get in swaying his decision.

I'm not of the mindset that parents should pay rent for adult children, nor be setting them up in homes. Regardless of the parents to 'comfortably' do so. However, I'm also not one to believe that a new spouse entering the picture should necessarily lay claim to everything the partner has earned and built up for 20-30 years prior to the new union. Neither am I a believer that stepparents 'owe' skids the same they may choose to reward their own biological children with.

So, with all that said, where is your husband getting the money for all this rent and house buying from?

If these four kids are soley

If these four kids are soley OPs, and if the DH has considerable wealth he earned prior to their relationship, then I agree with your comments.

However, if even one of the minor children is DH's then it's a different story. Money situations can change - there are not constant. If the DH were to lose his wealth, business, etc. it doesn't make sense to me to lavish stuff on an "adult" child now, if he still has a biological kid to support. The SD26 may be sitting in a comfy home which was essentially handed to her, but a minor child may suffer for it in the future. IMO, as you've identified, the SD26 has not had to grow up due to DH's bad parenting. If Daddy's income/wealth dries up, she has no life coping skills.

I also agree that if this affects the OP (joint loan/co-sign etc.) then she has a right as his spouse to interject, no matter how long they've been together. That's looking at it from a legal and financial perspective. If DH were to die, then OP should not have any financial obligation to SD26. Likewise, OP should not expect that HER biological kids should be receiving any funds that DH earned prior to marriage - unless of course there is some sort of pre-nup which outlines it.

Overall, I think the OPs objections are not unreasonable although she may not have much of a say-so. Even if she had no kids of her own, there are legitimate concerns that a 26 year old adult is still getting hand-outs from Daddy. That's really a moral issue.

I also wanted to add that

I also wanted to add that perhaps the OP is getting significant child support for her four, which means that she is providing for their care and DH is only providing limited support. I don't know OPs history. And if DH entered into this marriage WITH significant assets and WITHOUT a pre-nup, he is nuts. I would be questioning his financial decision-making all along the way.

If the OP doesn't work and is

If the OP doesn't work and is receiving CS, then no she isn't providing for her kids. The kids dad and their stepfather are the ones providing for them, not their mother.

I work. Could support my kids

I work. Could support my kids on my own if necessary

I work. Could support my kids

I work. Could support my kids on my own if necessary

I work. Could support my kids

I work. Could support my kids on my own if necessary

Unless he is paying for the

Unless he is paying for the house in full, she is most likely not getting a house. At $12 an hour part time I think it will be very hard, impossible even, for her to get a mortgage in her name.

However, if your husband is buying the house in his name, or jointly with her, and using pre marriage money, it will happen. He may view this as a better investment than paying her rent every month.

In either case the $900 he currently pays is not going away. She doesn't make enough to pay bills and eat.

So, him buying his daughter a

So, him buying his daughter a house is wrong. But him supporting HIS FOUR stepkids is just fine. :? :? :? :?

We need more information.

We need more information. The 4 children could be DH's bios - or not. The OP could be getting child support - or not. The OP could be working - or not.

Op has at least three of only

Op has at least three of only hers, and Dh had only the one biological child (the twentysomething adult daughter) when OP posted last July.

ETA...
https://www.steptalk.org/node/220443

Thanks for clarifying that.

I just don't get this idea of

I just don't get this idea of telling someone who is supporting you and your children,(his stepkids) that spending money on his own kids is wrong.

It comes across as kind of gold diggerish (yeah, I know it isn't a word). It's OK for you to throw money money at me and mine, but not your adult kids.

I personally think there is a

I personally think there is a huge difference in providing for the needs of minor children that live in your home vs. supporting the wants of adults who do not live in the home.

Now I don't want to be supporting anyone at my age - just trying to keep from running out of money before I die myself. But when choosing charities to give to I prefer to help children rather than adults. My one exception is that I do volunteer on a regular basis at a home for transitioning homeless veterans back into the workplace and their own housing.

Minors should have their basic overhead provided. One should help guide non-disabled adults to provide for their own needs rather than just subsidizing them.

If those minor kids aren't

If those minor kids aren't his,then it isn't his responsibility to provide for them.

No one here agrees with step mothers being expected to support/provide for their minor stepkids.

I totally agree with you that

I totally agree with you that it is not his responsibility to provide for them. But I personally would not be able to ignore the needs of minor children who lived in my home. The advice I would give would be not to let any minors live in my home that I was not willing to provide for.

I am just seeing all of these

I am just seeing all of these replies. It really doesn't have that much to do with money. I work and can provide for my own. My problem I guess is more about their relationship I general. This is just one of many things.

If any of the minor children

If any of the minor children in the home are adopted or biologically his; I would insist that they get a home too, or an equal amt put into their college fund. Fair is fair, right?

Too bad DH can't see how he is ruining his daughter. Why would she bother to grow up when daddee will always be there to take care of her. What happens if/when DH passes? Today I found out that ss30 moved his gf into BM's small condo. ss is slightly employed and his gf just got fired. No problem though because they can live with BM! She's providing everything, all ss30 has to do is pay his car payment. DH said with an evil grin, "How nice for BM." This generation of (s)kids is unreal. Parenting used to end in the late teens and now it's stretching into the late 30's and beyond.

Sorry, but the he is ruining

Sorry, but the he is ruining his daughter comment made me laugh.

If the OP's husband and her children's dad are the only ones supporting her kids, then can't it be argued that she has been ruined?

The fact that she thinks someone else (other than the bio dad)should be helping support her kids means she's just as entitled,needy, ruined....as the SD.

"The fact that she thinks

"The fact that she thinks someone else (other than the bio dad)should be helping support her kids means she's just as entitled,needy, ruined....as the SD."

IMO OP'S statements of " we have 4 children to raise" and "I get the feeling she will expect to he taken care of. At nearly thirty. With no dependents" pretty much speaks volumes.

The addition of "with no dependents", seems to indicate she uses the fact she has a pack of 'dependent' kids to justify her sense of entitlement.

" How do I cope???" :?

So you're going to coddle

So you're going to coddle your own children until they are almost 30 and beyond? It's justifiable for DH to do this because OP has minor children of her own? I'm not getting this reasoning; sd is 26, well beyond childhood minor status. Yes sd26 is his kidult, but OP has every right to protest since they are married, and presumably have joint assets to some degree.

OMG I forgot about the grand

OMG I forgot about the grand babies. I can not wait for my son to have kids. I am going to spoil my future grandkids just like my parents did my son, nieces and nephews.

Disney, how cool will that

Disney, how cool will that be? How many people can you annoy? How much fun can you have? Do not forget the drum set.

I worked hard for what I

I worked hard for what I have. I did so with the mindset that it will all go to my son when I die. But, I do spend some of it on him while I'm still here because I want to see him enjoy it.

My son is responsible and hard working. (Currently in grad school full time and working full time) I am proud of the young man he has grown into. I give to my son because I WANT to and I CAN. Not because he isn't capable of doing for himself. If that means he's coddled, so be it. MY SON, MY MONEY, MY CHOICE-

As long as the OP's husband isn't using her money, then yes, I believe he is justified in doing what he pleases. To complain about this while he is supporting her children (-or helping to support them) is crazy.

My opinion would be different if she were supporting him while he made the choice to toss money at his daughter.

Listen, it is his money and

Listen, it is his money and his kidult. It may go against your grain to watch the $hitstorm swirling but, there is nothing you can say or do about it. Focus on your children and raise them better. Help them to become successful, responsible, mature, and independent of you as adults. THAT is your only job here. Just because he failed miserably, doesn't mean YOU have to follow suit, right?

I don't get the feeling that you expect him to do the same for 'your' kids, and I will refrain from referencing you as a 'gold-digger' (because I simply don't know you personally, to say that about you.) I certainly do understand that it is hard to watch a parent failing their child, and still hold onto any respect for that parent. I get the feeling that's why you're venting right now. Whether your DH is able to coddle his kidult isn't the issue, it's the fact that he clearly has, and continues to do so. At his (and her) age, I doubt it will change. So, you have 2 choices... 1) Learn to accept that your DH is this person and decide to 'go along to get along' OR 2) Start making plans to leave. What price is your integrity worth?? If you decide to stay, understand that whatever happens with this kidult, your DH is the one to blame. (Although I am a firm believer that at this age, the kidult should have some understanding of her own behaviors.)

Unfortunately, your DH is cool with purchasing his kidult rather than parenting her. Sad but, so damn common these days.

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