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Frustrated....

sakurachan's picture

Submitted by sakurachan on Thu, 03/10/2016 - 9:28pm

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Co-Parenting

I sat my family down this week to let them know some new expectations or lack thereof. I decided I was going to disengage from the step kids. I have been so unhappy, so frustrated, so angry, so hurt and really disappointed that I'm even in this situation.

I sat down with my husband before we sat down as a united couple to tell the steps and my bio kids that I will not be doing anything for my husband's daughters anymore, after almost 6 years of stress and literal anguish I was done with the biomom being an "A" twinkie. I am done with my husband being the disney dad and I'm done with the selfishness of the steps and the lies they go back and tell their mother.

Today while I'm at work, I get a text from the oldest step daughter..."hey are you going to come to my choir concert tonight? Yes, I have permission to text you from my mom..." I bitterly laughed in my head and never responded. Then I get a text from my husband, "hey I know so and so would really like you to come to her concert tonight." I ignored his text and never responded. Then I get another text from my husband "it would be really nice if you texted so and so to tell her that you won't be able to go because your kids have soccer practice."

Why isn't he getting the message? Why aren't the steps getting the message? I'm not getting involved anymore. I've done more than my share for these two children, it's their parents' turn now. I need to work on myself, my marriage, and my children. My children only have me, their Father has not been involved in about six years.

Maybe I'm being mean, but until I heal and get passed the negative feelings I have I cannot be around them at all.

LikeMinded's picture

Submitted by LikeMinded on Thu, 03/10/2016 - 10:45pm

I'm sure you have been pushed to the edge in order to reach this point. I would stick to your guns.

I don't see the need to ignore text messages. A simple "sorry I can't make it", would have acheived the same results without creating drama.

Just my two cents.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Fri, 03/11/2016 - 1:12am

Disengagement is different for each of us. Mine was met first with disbelief, followed by a period of "Let's humor her until she calms down" that turned into an icy standoff that gradually became acceptance. It took my husband (who is exceptionally stubborn) about two years to stop periodically testing my boundaries.

Stay firm, and you'll get them trained.

LikeMinded's picture

Submitted by LikeMinded on Fri, 03/11/2016 - 4:55am

"Let's humor her until she calms down."

Yep

The go to stance of my ExH and current DH.

ExH humored me until I walked out the door. Then he thought I was going through a phase and would come back.

It's amazing how people don't want to hear.

Amcc13's picture

Submitted by Amcc13 on Fri, 03/11/2016 - 2:15am

Write back to partner and say 'thsnks for text message dear. However as you may recall from the discussion on xxx date I am now disengaged. See you at home later'.
I would send it only to him and leave it at that.
Stick to your guns- you put in hard slog for six years and as someone else said they had six years to appreciate you and didn't

sakurachan's picture

Submitted by sakurachan on Fri, 03/11/2016 - 6:49pm

I'm fine if he does. I've pretty much done everything for all the kids for a long time. My kids need a Dad figure in their lives but it's DH's choice.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Fri, 03/11/2016 - 1:03pm

Disengagement is different for everyone. You need to figure out what works for you. I would just text back, sorry can't make it to the kid and to your husband repeat again and learn to say it to him. "Not my kids, not my problem"...Find a nicer term if you need to, but that is what finally got my husband to figure it out. Also, every time it was something for my steps, I just walked away. Eventually he got it.

Now, I am fully engaged with my SS17, but for years I didn't and when we got full custody, I left the parenting to DH and that saved our marriage. SD, I am fully disengaged.

momjeans's picture

Submitted by momjeans on Fri, 03/11/2016 - 2:28pm

Good for you!

I'm curious, though. When DH sent you the "it would be really nice if you texted so and so to tell her that you won't be able to go because your kids have soccer practice," was he concocting a sugar-coated response he wanted you to respond with? Or did your child truly have practice?

I only ask because I'm disengaged and my DH pulls this sort of stuff with me. He tries to get me on-board with an untrue response, usually for him to pass on. I never allow it. I tell him to speak the truth and the truth is I don't want to..."

sakurachan's picture

Submitted by sakurachan on Fri, 03/11/2016 - 6:42pm

I really did have two kids who had soccer practice that same evening, but I wouldn't have gone even if they didn't. I think DH wanted to let me know about the concert again in hopes that I would change my mind. I believe he put his daughter up to texting me too. He wants things to go back to how they were but it's not going to happen for a very long time if at all.