What to do................................Shouldnt be this hard.

Forums:

I have a 13 yo SD. I have been in her life since she was one. We were getting her for regular weekly visits until Dh got a 2nd shift job and he was needing me to pick her up for visits. BM had a fit and said unless dad was there she wasn't releasing her to me. Needless to say to be able to have time with his child he was late to work a lot until BM disappeared with SD. We went 3 yr trying to find them. One night we got a call at 2am from BM landlord saying she found our # in a letter we had written to BM 3 yr prior. She was concerned with how SD was taken care of. We contacted police there and had a wellness check done and by the time authorities got there she moved out. A yr later we found them on Facebook, she moved to Illinois. We demanded for DH to be able to have a relationship with SD. BM refused. We took it to court. Judge did nothing about BM moving over 200 miles away, said that it had been too long for us to be able to do anything. He then ordered visitation for every other weekend. We knew that BM had very little $ and 2 other kids to take care of so we told Judge that it needed to be revised because of hardship of BM. So judge asked what we thought of and we told him all Spring break, 7 weeks summer, Thanksgiving Break, and half Christmas break. He said that was fine. For a year after that we got all visits except thanksgiving. Then it all turned for the worst. We have had to fight to get time. Then when SD was here her mom text her constantly. She was to carry her phone with her at all times when here but when shes home with BM theres no min on her phone for us to contact her. Well the last time we got visitation with her was almost 4 yr ago. When SD was here last it was her Bday. We had a party for her with ALL family. Her mother decides to show up. Shortly after the police show issuing a warrant for BM and takes her and I am blamed. I had nothing to do with it. Imean lord our entire family was there. SD was crushed and I tried to comfort her but her moms BF and parents were right there also bad mouthing me and blaming me in front of SD. BM got out of jail and showed up at our house and took SD with us having 3 wk left on our visit. We drove 5 hr to see SD in a competition a cpl weeks ago. SD stated that she wanted to come to our house for the entire summer a few weeks prior in a message on FB. DH asked her about it and she stated she didn't know if she would have summer school because shes failing. We then talked to her mom and she said the same thing. DH called SD school and found out that SD doesn't have summer school. She told DH when we were at competition that she missed her dad so much and wanted one on one time with him. Since then he hasn't heard from SD other that a Hi or something in a short message. We have been to court so much over denied visits and judge does nothing. He says that we all need to see wat SD wants to do. Im like really?! Shes 13 not 18. BM leaves it up to SD what she wants to do. We are concerned because SD posts vulgar language and pics of her hanging on her boyfriend. I am not sure if I should say something to SD about her actions and what she needs to do or what. BM wont respond to anything. Its bad enough that I carry insurance on SD (DH ordered to but employer doesn't offer) and BM will not get me copy of BC for her to continue to have insurance. UGGGGG! Need help! Don't know what to do. Dealt with games, crap, lies for 13 yr now.

Hi there, I know you can't

Hi there, I know you can't hear my tone, so I hope you read this as coming from a concerned person. I'm a bit rushed, so I wanted to say that first. Here's my perspective after 5 years of BM abducting the SKIDS, keeping them on our days, etc. :

A quick list of fthings to consider:

1. The courts are unfair. I know this iis hard to accept but they are in favor of BM. They are skewed against DH. This is the way it is. You can get upset about it, or accept it, but you can't change it (although there are some grassroots movements trying to get dads more rights, so if you feel like getting involved, that may be a good avenue for your frustration, and it would contnribute positively to your situation).
2. The fact that your in-laws blemed YOU and not DH for this woman getting taken away from the police makes me think you've been perhaps a bit too much involved in this situation. The consensus on this board and in most step parenting books ithat I've read, is that the step parent shoudl ASSIST the bio parent--NOT lead. The family can accept if DH takes a stand, but they will never accept anything you do.
3. This is NOT your child. I repeat, this is NOT your child. No matter now much you have taken care of her over the years, she will most likely be on BM's side, no matter what shitty things BM does (I know, my ExH is psychiatrically unstable and so is my DH's ex wife, yet the children protect them).
4. Tweens and teens tend to gravitate towards the same-sex parent as they get ready to launch, Even girls who were "daaddy's little girl" when growing up tend to become more mom-centric as they prepare for adulthood. It may be part of their need for a role model. This has been pretty universal in our family.
5. Teenagers are more and more interested in their peers and less and less interested in their parents as they get older (remember back to your teenage years). If this girl has friends and a boyfriend where her BM lives, she will most likely want to be with her peers. This is normal.

The most important point:
6. Where are your goals and dreams while you fixate on your DH's problems? This is absolutely HIS baggage, family, karma, whatever you want to call it. Set some boundaries so that this does not ruin precious years of your life. This is not your monkey, not youor circus--as many like to say on this board.

I wasted a good 2 years of my life trying to fight my DH's custody battles, and although I leanred quite a bit, my needs were completely on the back burner.

Focus on being your DH's partner, assist him, be a back up. Do not take his problems on as your own. Let him communicate with BM, inlaws, lawyers, his family members and even SD. Stop doing any drop offs, this is not your role. Get yourself back to the copilot seat, but let him lead where his problems are involved.

Remember your life, your dreams, your goals. Recenter yourself before you waste precious years on a battle that cannot be "won".

This is advice is absolutely

This is advice is absolutely PERFECT! I really hope the original poster has / will come back to read this. Super helpful!

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