Please help! Different/difficult situation
My husband and I separated when our daughter was 1. It was a rough divorce and we tried several times to make it work even after the divorce, however, we never really gave it all our. We were both young and didn't communicate well, etc. Fast forward and our daughter turned 5 and started playing sports. Both of our families would attend her events and sit together and talk over the course of a few months and spending time together as friends, we realized we had both changed and ended up giving it our all - as we should have the first time. We have now been back together 5 years and things are amazing, how it boulder have been all along - except for one, major thing - shortly before we started talking as friends he discovered that a girl he was previously engaged to was pregnant with their son. We have been together since before their child was born and they've been really good at co-parenting, however, I am driving myself crazy over the situation.
There is a part of me that gets jealous sometimes as I feel that it should be OUR child and I got ripped off. I am a very loving person but sometimes I get so mad that I want to just walk away all because of this situation. I hate that we have to pay child support each month when we are struggling as it is. I hate that I have to share him with the mother (for example they have to talk, share pics, etc). I seriously wish sometimes that he would just give up all rights to his son and we could just be our family again.
I absolutely hate feeling the way I do and having the thoughts I have. Before he and I ever met I had dated people with children and it never bothered me but I guess because of our situation, it does.
Does anyone have any advice?
I can certainly sympathize
I can certainly sympathize with your situation when it comes to the jealousy of "sharing" him with the child's mom. I too cringe when I hear them on the phone laughing about things their child is doing our like you said sharing pictures of their kids together. Myself, I try to approach the situation with love. I imagine what if I were in their shoes. They made a human together and that bond will always be there, forever. Just remember it isn't about you so it isn't personal. I try to also share the pictures with both parents so I involve myself whenever possible.
Yep, I advise you to make a
Yep, I advise you to make a decision. Either go all in and deal with these feelings in a way that minimizes the impact on your family (DH, your joint BK, and the Skid) or move on and let everyone live as calm a life as possible.
You can raise your SS as your own when he is in your home. That is what I did with my SS. Our home was the CP household for SS. He had 7wks of Sperm Land visitation per year from age 2yo until he turned 18. We never lived within 1200 miles of Sperm Land so the visitation schedule was 5wks summer, 1wk winter, and 1wk spring.
You have been in this little boy's life since he was born. You can have great influence on him, how he integrates into your family, and how your family functions with all of the blended family variables that this life entails.
As for BM, if she is reasonable... then be reasonable. If she is not reasonable then destroy her and have a good time doing it. I have zero use for or tolerance of a toxic blended family opposition.
I am not sure how to address the jealousy issue you are struggling with. I have not felt those feelings at any point in our 21+ year blended family marriage. My bride is incredible and is the amalgamation of her life experience and that includes her teen pregnancy and the process of being a teen mom and struggling through the battles with the Sperm Clan since the birth of our son. (I adopted him last year). She apparently has similar perspective towards me. I was married once before for 2.5 years. That experience helped mold me into the man, husband, and father that I have progressed to become.
Don't lament what you cannot control or what is a part of who your DH is and who you are for that matter.
Again, I advise you to seek a solution internally and make this as positive as it can be for everyone. It does not sound as if even the BM is all that difficult so ..... figure it out.
That about sums up my philosophical opinion.
Take care of you.
Regards,
Rags
I'm in the same boat sort of.
I'm in the same boat sort of. My SO has three wonderful kids from a previous marriage that lasted 10 years. They have been divorced for over 8 years now and have learned to set aside past hurts and focus on raising their kids together as a team. They have a lot of history together (we've only been together 3 years) and the kids have a great relationship with not only both of them but also their stepdad and myself. I've been added to the team and would bend over backwards for these kids just as I do my own. His ex is civil to me and grateful for my help and all. She tells the kids she likes me and I do think she prefers me over the past drama queens he's dated that would get jealous and cause trouble. I can't say it's easy sometimes when they reminisce about old memories but he's thoughtful enough not to do it in front of me. He tries to act like he just tolerates her by I know as a GREAT mother to his children she'll always have a place in his heart. I made the decision long ago to let it go and blow it off. Its done more good for my relationship with my SO and his kids than you can imagine. Who knows, maybe some day we'll all be best of friends and I'll look back and laugh at how silly I was to be jealous.
Don't let it put a wedge between you and your BF OR between you and that sweet child that didn't do a darn thing wrong. It's not worth it and you have to remember he chose YOU to be with now, not her. That doesn't mean he should have to ditch his own child though.
This is unfortunate for sure
This is unfortunate for sure - but it is not that little boys fault. He deserves to have his dad in his life just like your DD.
It is what it is. Maybe counselling for yourself to deal with the jealousy and resentment would help. It is OK to feel that way but put some limits on it.
Tell yourself that you are allowed to feel like that for 15 min only or something like that. Then let it go!
It might start to work after a while. Good luck.