Lack of Discipline is Destroying Me.
Wow, we have been together more than 4 years, and have been engaged roughly half of that. Her son lives with us, and I only get every other weekend off (which requires a 3.5 hour round trip for THAT privilege. I have stuck it out because this relationship has been so rewarding in countless ways I won't bore you guys with. Life is not easy, but we manage. However, there is one little problem that is slowly killing me:
Lack of discipline. He isn't a bad kid, he has just never been taught basic things. So now he is almost 10, constantly talks, makes stupid noises, interrupts, wakes his mother when she is sleeping, etc. She allows this behavior to happen. That puts me in a catch 22 because I raised my daughter with a good dose of hard discipline and love. What has it turned into?
2 things. First, I can't stand to be around him to be honest. The hard life we have, the low pay in the wrong city, lack of alone time, etc. is very trying. Adding to that, the lack of discipline makes home life unbearable. And there is a second reason: Even *I* don't know the rules! How can a little kid follow the rules if even another adult doesn't know the rules? All I know is that when something happens that I WOULD have corrected had it been MY child, I feel stuck. I feel like I can no longer be around the kid or else it implies that I condone the behavior. Well, I DON'T condone the behavior.
Where does that leave me? It leaves me a VERY lonely man in my own house. Working too hard for too low of pay, you would think I could come home to my sanctuary. Nope. All to often, I am locked up in my office, holding myself, because I dread opening the door to go to the bathroom. And at MY age? That's a problem.
I have had this conversation with my fiancee a thousand times. It just doesn't get any better. I could tell you a thousand stories but I will tell the last two just to get the point across of what I am dealing with:
Recently, my fiancee came home from an after school activity. She was very tired and upset at her son's behavior. I asked her if she punished him. She said she was too tired. I asked if she said anything to him. Again, a negative answer. And I said, "I don't understand why it takes any energy to simply state a punishment and the reason for the punishment." No reply.
Next story: We both had a difficult weekend (as if ALL weekends aren't difficult, Jesus). I come home Sunday afternoon, and I am anxious to rest and for the two of us to finally spend some time together. As usual, the constant talking, the stupid noises, the jumpy unpredictable behavior was happening. She did nothing to stop it so I went to hide in my office. About an hour later she sent me a text asking if I wanted to play board games with them. I told her no, and when she asked why, I told her exactly why. What was her response? She said, "okay." I responded back that it was NOT okay but those were the cards I had been dealt. Nothing the rest of the night. So I sat in my office holding myself just like I am right now. And then I decided to sleep on the couch.
Today? At work I text some more specifics about how I shouldn't be made to feel like that in my own house, and that her behavior of ignoring me was even WORSE. Nothing. She said we could talk when we got home. Well? Nothing. When pressing her I finally managed to get it out of her that she was frustrated with me. With me?
In my opinion, this is bizarre. I emphasize that everything else in our relationship is very good, all things considered. But this outlier is killing me. Even more ridiculous, she is mad at ME. I feel like she should be thanking me and apologizing to me for basically slowly killing myself so as to respect her mothering decisions. But no. I get nothing expect that she is frustrated with me.
My heart is 100% here, but my head can't get past thinking how another human being could treat someone like this. I just don't know what to do.
This is going to sound quite
This is going to sound quite callous, but maybe you should pull back on the engagement/marriage as once you are locked in, you are only going to feel more trapped in this situation than you ever felt before. 4 years is not a long time. Just give yourself some time to think about this a bit more.
Marriage is absolutely off the cards for me, and I've made this clear to my partner. It's just too complicated and entangled when there is someone else's child involved.
The fact you use the words "stuck it out" rings alarm bells. Give yourself that little bit of space and separation you need and hold off on the marriage. It just means you are not trapped if things get really bad (sorry I am a realist!).
Well I apparently have her
Well I apparently have her blessings to "be the dad." As a STEP father, I can only SUPPORT her. That is what I meant by "being stuck." I can't support her when there is nothing there. But push has come to shove. I FINALLY have to do what I know is wrong: begin treating her 9 year old son the same we I treated my 2 or 3 year old daughter: with a healthy balance of serious discipline and love. I know it is wrong, because it will only come from me. But hell, I have had a thousand conversations, have been respectful at my own expense. And if all that wasn't bad enough? I am being blamed for not stepping up earlier! Wow!
Just wow.
I am stepping up to protect my sanity. It is not the correct action.
Of course she's mad at you.
Of course she's mad at you. She thinks everything is peachy with how she is "raising" her wonderful son who the sun rises and sets on, and she can't understand why you complain about His Hyper Highness all the time.
I'm sorry, man, but don't marry this chick unless you guys can seriously get on the same page. That kid sounds awful, and she sounds like a horribly indulgent parent.
He *is* awful, but it isn't
He *is* awful, but it isn't his fault. How would YOU act if you weren't ever taught basic social skills? I would be a 1,000 times worse; God bless his heart.
I told her tonight, the
I told her tonight, the following:
Everything is not always your fault. In fact, most things are probably MY fault. This one time though, IS your fault. I have said it a thousand times, there is something not connecting with you, so I don't know why I am repeating it again; it is like a blind spot with you. ONCE again I am going to spell it out. With your replies, you have made it more complicated than it needs to be:
1. It is not a step parents job to give disipline; it is a parents job. The step parent can only support.
2. I don't know the rules, therefor it isn't POSSIBLE for (inset child's name) to know the rules.
3. I have a right to protect my boundaries.
4. For better or worse, my boundaries COULD be in conflict with your mothering.
5. I have respected your mothering at my own expense, have tried to talk about this a thousand times a thousand ways. You still don't understand.
6. As a result of my metaphorical arthritis (deeply emphasizing a desire to CONTINUE for the sake of our relationship, but being unable to), I am now FORCED to do what I KNOW to be wrong: give your son the discipline I would have given my daughter at age 2 or 3 for the sake of protecting myself.
7. Point 7 very well may destroy our relationship. (insert child's name) will hate me for it because he won't get it from you OR his father. I will just be the dickhead as far as he is concerned.
8. You don't care. In spite of this, you STILL try to blame me. Nope. This one time it is your fault. And to be VERY fair to you: 1 out of a thousand. That is a pretty good batting average. Take it.
love
***
So, this very well may DESTROY an otherwise good relationship. I am backed in a corner and have to either protect my boundaries or leave.
Very well spoken. I have to
Very well spoken. I have to say that I copied it so I can talk to my spouse too.
And I am sleeping ALONE
And I am sleeping ALONE because of it! Where is my apology for destroying my health and locking myself in my office? Not there. Where is my thank you for destroying my health so as to not interfere and respecting her mothering instead?
I am sleeping alone!
It is like, I am the one who should be saying, no and choosing to sleep alone. But because I am weak, I decide to let it all slide and give her the benefit of the doubt. And THAT is what I get??
Jesus.
Meh, sharing a bed is
Meh, sharing a bed is overrated. I often fall asleep on the couch listening to an audio book. People toss and turn in bed, people snore, alarms go off at different times, and together that means poor quality sleep for both partners.
My mum complains about my dad's snoring. I tell her to try a night in the spare room. It's like I've told her to file for divorce! A good nights sleep is important!
And I am sleeping ALONE
And I am sleeping ALONE because of it! Where is my apology for destroying my health and locking myself in my office? Not there. Where is my thank you for destroying my health so as to not interfere and respecting her mothering instead?
I am sleeping alone!
It is like, I am the one who should be saying, no and choosing to sleep alone. But because I am weak, I decide to let it all slide and give her the benefit of the doubt. And THAT is what I get??
Jesus.
And thanks to everyone for
And thanks to everyone for the support. I can imagine that your situation is no better, or else you would be with your spouse instead of here.
Hi - you named the boy!
Hi - you named the boy! Number 2, a couple of posts back - you may prefer redaction, just in case.
Sending all sympathies from here. If she's too tired to parent, you're* screwed, in short. But once she realises she can do it, with your support behind her, she may "step" up. Budoomtish. I've recently experienced this, so just wanted to give a little hope.
Thank you SO much.
Thank you SO much. Everything else can work. I'm backed into a corner with this one and have to do it backwards. Discipline and love should go together. I want nothing but the best for him. Hell, my daughter is an adult now, and we have a great relationship. It simply isn't coming from the mother, nor is it coming from the part time father. I have to provide it just to protect my boundaries and sanctuary. It shouldn't be that way. I have waited for it to be done the correct way. That day isn't going to come. I hope it doesn't destroy our relationship but I can't give anymore. I am all drained out.
Your entire post nails it!
Your entire post nails it! Further, you said, " I bet when your fiance texted and said do you want to play the board game you wanted to say yes but then it would be like saying everything is alright when it isn't. So you miss out on spending time with her."
Exactly. That is yet ANOTHER horrible factor in all of this. The ONE benefit I get from all of this mess is taken away from me, so I don't get THAT either. Instead, I retreat to my office. I can imagine some potential future where someone shows me an old picture of my office, and I go into some sort of PTSD, "Oh, no! Please, not the office again! Please, God no!" But as if that wasn't bad enough, I get blamed and criticized for going there!
I have got to start thinking: she knows what I have typed above. She loves me in so many, many ways. She is good to me in so many ways that I won't bore you guys with. I mean, I could write a book on the positive life changing experiences our relationship has brought me. But THIS ONE THING is completely different. There is some sort of blind spot where she lacks the ability to see 2 and 2 making 4.
I miss out on everything, and am blamed and criticized for going to the LAST place I'd ever want to go: my horrible, miserable office.
And now, I don't know how it can be okay. I mean, even if I just somehow magically step up, how am I supposed to deal with her treating me like that? That is an entirely separate issue.
You can't force anyone to
You can't force anyone to change. So you need to ask yoursellf how many years you're going to be able to put up with this. Also, as we've seen many times on this board, these brats who are not trained, grow up to be unsuccessful adults, which means they take forever to launch. Don't think he's going anywhere at age 18.
You say you're on the more mature side, I'm thinking you shouldn't waste valuable years on this relationship. A mom who can't mother is kind of a loser, IMHO... you're never going to change this.
Sadly, it is VERY clear that
Sadly, it is VERY clear that I am not going to change this. I just get to be the dickhead of the house in order to protect my health. The ONLY hope of saving this relationship could very well be what destroys it. Why? She simply refuses to mother. I am very reluctant to believe that she will allow me to father. ALL the experts say BIG problems come that way. That is why they say the PRIMARY discipline has to come from the parent, and the step parent supports. That isn't going to happen.
How about living separately
How about living separately for a while but offering to go to parenting classes with her. As long as you're there, she has no motivation to change.
*sigh* I've said this a
*sigh* I've said this a million times before on here, I guess I'll say it again. Any two people can get along great when it's only the two of them. It's how you deal with kids, in laws, jobs, hell, LIFE that makes or breaks a relationship. What you have is a wall meeting an unmovable object. If you are fed up now, just wait until he's a teenager. :O If the thing between you two is so "perfect', move out and date her.
You Sir, sound just like me
You Sir, sound just like me to some extent. I'm almost getting angry just thinking about how your story is quite similar to mine.
Anyway, you're in a tough spot my friend. DW is too passive to discipline the kid. You need to find a way to reach DW about this in a constructive manner before its too late.
Get her to either take control of the kid or let you do it. If this isn't possible, I hate to say it but start an exit plan.
My DW and I only fight about SD9 and she does exactly the things you've listed. I used to be all over the kid and I got a lot of resistance, then I disengaged but that didn't last. So I started getting on the kid again because it's my house and I refuse to treat a kid special when I'd never allow it from my own kids. I told exactly that to DW and that she needs to let me discipline SD or she better step up. SO FAR, she has been doing a lot better.
If we didn't have our own kids, I'd of left a long time ago but now I'm here for the long haul and I'm not going down without a fight!
I can truly understand your
I can truly understand your pain and frustration. I have (2) step kids (7 & 9 y/o) and they act like they were raised in the zoo or somewhere. I get so frustrated with their mom for her lack of discipline skills. She let them run up and down the stairs like they are in a track meet, food all on the table and floor after dinner, yelling and screaming all over the house, lie to your face without blinking a eye. We get into the most arguments over the difference in our parenting skills or lack of them. I get so tired of having to constantly correct their actions every day while she sit and say nothing. If you start discipling him you will forever have to because he has become so programmed with her lack of.
I too go and shut up in a room with my headphones on however they with the door closed isn't sound proof enough. It drives me bananas..
I think the problem is that
I think the problem is that you nor your partner have recognized that as equity life partners that you are both also equity parents to any children in your relationship home regardless of kid biology.
She is obviously abdicating her responsibilities as a parent. So you have a choice. Parent, be miserable, or move on.
This is not an uncommon situation for Sparents. My wife of 21+ years and I struggled with it itermittently during SS-23's child hood. I care to the conclusion that if the kid was behaving in an inappropriate manner that was intollerable for me I had to deal with it if his mom would't. So I did. Upon occassion she took exception to how I was parenting and disciplining the Skid so I gave her clarity. "If you do not like I am parenting or how I discipline his inappapropriate behavior than you have a choice. Step up and get it done before I have to or be quiet and express your issues when it is just the two of us behind closed doors."
It took a couple of cycles of this discussion but she finally gained clarity and took over the role of primary disciplinarian. That kid was miserable for a while after that. He came to me after a while and asked if I could step back into the role of disciplinarian because with me I addressed the specific behavior, applied the consequences, and moved on while his mom kept him on the hook for far longer and would chew his butt endlessly over an incident.
It worked well for all of us. He has been a self supporting young adult since he was 18, will celebrate his 5 anniverary in the USAF and was promoted to Staff Sgt at the end of Feb. A year ago he asked for me to adopt him. We made that happen and we now have papers regarding what has always been the case since his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo. He is my son.
So you have a choice to make IMHO. Partner with your partner and parent, be miserable, or move on.
Good luck.
I commend your strength. You
I commend your strength. You must love this woman dearly but I wonder if you love her more than you love yourself. Take it from me, if you marry it only gets worse. I have been unhappily married for 3 years, living together for two ( immigration issue). Daily hell of some sort. We argue about skid but also about money because my spouse feels so entitled to....everything. I have been last on the list for years. Thought it would get better if we were married. WRONG. Spouse undermines every good thing I have put into place for SD12 in terms of structure and expectations. Always a pass. It is hard to feel so terribly less than in my own home supporting a spouse and skid with no appreciation and no regard for my feelings. I am always the evil "b".
But I am on my way out of this mess and but I have a long road ahead. Lawyers. Fees. SPOUSAL SUPPORT LIKELY. Yes, you heard me.
PLEASE get out now or don't marry at least. Live apart for your own sanity.
I,too, feel your pain. I have
I,too, feel your pain. I have two Skids. Sd13 and Ss9. Sd is very respectful and we get along great. SS is a little a**hole. Will not listen to anything anyone says and knows that he doesnt have to. SO and i have had numerous fights over it and nothing changes. Its so bad he has figured out how to start these fights and routinely does so. I have packed (and unpacked) my things numerous times because of thrse fights. Ive decided its just not worth it anymore. I have went from in love withSO to resentful to despising her and the ground she walks on because she wont be a mother. There are other issues of course but this one is the main point of contention. Im leaving here tomorrow and never looking back. I will miss Sd a little because she is a good kid. But mom and SS can kiss my a**. I hope they have a horrible life like they have made the last few months of my life. I know it sounds mean, but, thats just where i am at. Hate them both with a passion.