I understand this kid is hurting, however, he's been given way too much power. He is getting the attention he craves, even if it's negative.

Everybody just needs to carry on as usual, SS will either get tired of being the odd guy out and join in, or keep pouting, but everybody else's lives (and fun) do not have to stop.

DH and the kids should have kept singing and having a good time. Everyone should have went on with breakfast as if nothing happened and enjoyed their meal and each others company. Include SS in conversations and the fun but if he does not respond or responds negatively, ignore. Keep acting natural, trying to include him but also trying not to let his bad behavior affect the whole family. It's not easy, I know, and it takes practice.

He got mad about the party and missing things at home, your DH offered a compromise, SS declined. DH should have dropped it. He needs to stop asking SS what he wants when he doesn't get HIS way. His way is not the only way and he does not have the final say. He doesn't want to be driven back for parties or whatever, fine, that's the end of it. And by not saying anything when your DH asks him what he wants, he does feel like he has the power. He is holding your DH hostage, emotionally.

He may have started out just reacting to the hurt of not seeing his dad as often but he's learning that he has a lot of control and has people on pins and needles.

" So he runs out to buy what SS is missing. And the whole times SS is treating me and DS like ghosts and was only interacting with DD. "

"When DH gets back I tell him that SS is being very rude to DS and me by ignoring us. DH questions SS about it and SS just snaps saying he is tired. And DH leaves it at that, giving me a look like what else can he do."

I'd have thought after the locking himself in his room stunt, you'd of learned. Dad leaves house, SS goes with him

At least SS interacted some with your daughter this time. Can I ask what BD did or didn't do to get 'positive' attention from SS during this stretch of time?

^^^ I agree ^^^ DH needs to take SS EVERYWHERE with him so they can spend the TIME together that SS is demanding.

Goldie everytime I see your posts my heart breaks a little. I don't know how you keep going through all this.
Ss has way too much power and your dh does need to step up. It's getting to break point for you and your children where you all can't even be in the house together and you will not want stepson in house. Things are no win no matter what you do- I mean invited to party not good enough, will be driven home not good enough. This kid just wants cause trouble. I get that he is hurting and feels excluded and that is why he is lashing out (song thing was very poignant) but enough already - why should you and your kids endure that?

I think if it were me I would do something in the following vein ; you can take from this what you want

Confront dh. Tell him ss power play has gone on long enough. He will step up and parent ss he will sit him in the kitchen till he explains the text and confronts his attitude - no more I tried to talk to him or what can I do scenarios. You don't want anyone to have to endure this any longer.
If he doesn't do this, extreme disengage yourself and your children and the puppy from ss when he is there. By extreme, I mean it , don't be in the house: take puppy for walks To park, visit friends, take your children to movies or events, heck take them to library . When you are in house give your children and yourself permission to treat ss like a ghost. None of you respond to him none of you engage with him, do nothing for him. Until such time that ss attitude improves or dh starts to parent continue this cycle. And take the door off his room so he can't lock himself in with puppy like last time.
Basically make things so difficult for dh that he has to step up. And why shouldn't you enjoy your weekends with your kids? Take them off have fun leave the spooky brat and his slave to his own devices

I am afraid that is the best advice I have to give Hun. I am thinking of you and I hope you can sort things a bit more

Usually I only lurk on this forum. But your stepkid is breaking my heart.

Your step son is not being a manipulative butt to get more privileges, more toys, special dinners, etc. He is experiencing a serious identity crisis. He is not jealous of your kids - he is aware that he is being replaced by them.

Your kids have a pretty sweet situation with SS's father. They have a good father figure in the house 100% of the time. He's good with your kids. He coaches their teams. Heck, they even call him "dad".

But your husband is not your kids' father - he is SS's father,and you and your kids need to RESPECT that.

It is disrespectful of SS and his sacred relationship with his father for other kids to call him "dad". It is disrespectful of SS to hand him the c**p End of the deal with his own father and expect him to "just deal". It is not SS's fault that his parents divorced and remarried - it's not right that he is the only one having to make sacrifices.

You stated SS gets on better with your DD than your DS. That is because your DD is not a threat - your son is the one replacing SS in his father's life.

Please get this poor kid some therapy before his fear and anger consumes him. Your DH could use some therapy to learn how to better understand his son and how to constructively deal with his feelings.

And as for what you can do? Look, I know you're probably pretty happy with the Brady Bunch thing you have going on with your kids and your husband when SS is not there. But the Brady Bunch thing is killing SS right now. Scale back on the family stuff on the weekends and give SS some respectful distance. The best thing you can do is respect SS as his own person with his own needs - needs that might not mesh right now with your idea of what your family should look like right now.

Dup

Goldie I think the reason you're being accused by some of being callous is because you seem to struggle with empathy for your SS.

You and your DH made a call that seeing him less < better jobs. That's fine. You can decide for your family how much time one child should give up for the betterment of the other two. I know you said only 20 days over the year but in the school year it's far more. When it goes from 50/50 to 6 days a month that is a lot of time to lose with your dad, and summer vacation is light years away. So while I get that you and DH think the time given up doesn't matter I can see how the kid thinks it does.

All I am saying is I can see from his point of view how you and DH are definitely working to create a new family without him. You guys have this new life that is awesome and definitely does not include him since he is only there for 6 days a month now. Your kids get the sole benefit of having his father 100% of the time. And I know he has a step father but maybe he wants his bio father not his step father. I get that your kids love both but not everyone feels that way about steps.

That doesn't mean he gets to keep acting like a brat forever. He gets to be sad because even as a grown ass woman knowing my dad chose his skids' financial betterment over seein me would sting. But he will need to do what we all need to , find a way to cope. So I think therapy will be very helpful and you should definitely push your DH go take him to it.