Can a husband and wife live together and have separate lives; husband with his daughter and wife with her friends and family.

Forums:

I have tried for 20+ years to have a family with my 2 children and my husbands 2 daughters. I finally gave up a 3-4 years ago when his 31 year old daughter moved back to town after she opened up a medical practice in town. My husband wanted to get her involved socially and professionally in town and I understand and would want to do the same if it were one of my children. But our relationship is getting very bad to the point we just live together; I do things alone with my children and his oldest daughter who we have 2 grandchildren but my husband does everything alone with his youngest, we don't do anything together except watch TV and occasional social dinners with friends (5-6 times/year). I do not join them even if invited as they work the room, him introducing her (sometimes for the 2 or 3 time) and I sit at the table alone waiting for dinner. She joined our golf club and now announced she is joining the same league I have golfed in for 20 years, even though we do not talk very often and it would be uncomfortable. Now my husband said he invited her to go to a yearly meeting out of town that we had always gone alone for a romantic weekend. He wants her to be involved at a state level in the medical community. I do not want to go and I know he will be relieved so he does not have to deal with both of us at the same event as this is not the first time it has happened. I started doing things without my husband so I do not dwell on the fact that we very little in common anymore and feel like I lost my best friend. When SD is out of town or we go out of town, we get along better but still not like it used to be. I think the fact that they have the same profession and she has already been his favorite and has denied her nothing and agrees with everything she says, they have become best friends and enjoy being together. He knows I am not happy as we have discussed the fact that we are not very close any more. He says things are fine with him and I am just being jealous and that he lets me do what I want with my family so he should have the same. The only reason I starting doing so much with my family is because I do not have him anymore and his family does not ask to do things with them. Even the his older daughter has decreased her time with us as the grandkids are in activities and when they come into town they stay with my stepdaughter and use me as a sitter when they need one. As long as I do not shake things up we could go on like this forever. I am not interested in another sexual relationship but also do want some kind of relationship with someone as I am lonesome even when he is in the house. Do you think it is healthy and possible to live with someone and have this kind of relationship. I am hurt again tonight as he has asked her to do something with him that I used to. I need someone to talk to about it as sounds so crazy to someone who does not have stepchildren.

Is there anything you are

Is there anything you are currently getting from this marriage? If there is, then maybe you can continue on this way. If not and if you would be OK socially and financially without him, maybe you would be happier alone?

Only a sm could understand your feeling like he has a spouse in his daughter. Whenever I try to explain that to non steps, they treat me like I am crazy

That is the best reply I

That is the best reply I could have gotten!

That's a very good point. I

That's a very good point. I am truly grateful for the people (yes mostly men as I am almost 70) who mentored me and really helped me professionally. And I have tried to pass that along to others. I can see wanting to help someone (especially a child) achieve more.

But on the personal level he should not be a hindrance to her developing friendships and yes even possible a romantic relationship (male or female her choice). I've mentored many people - not my children but sometimes children of my friends, sometimes just people I believed in - but it's important to know when to step back and let them fly on their own.

Because I was a very successful business person almost 50 years ago when not that women were doing the things I did - my friends often really pushed for me to take an active role in their daughter's lives. I was sort of an "aunt" to many young women. They would come for overnights, trips, etc. As I did not have children I loved it. I am grateful to them for sharing their children with me. But at a certain point in time once they were all established, etc it was time for me to step back and let them live their lives without me being too involved.

What I read through your post

What I read through your post is that you are unhappy with this man. If you were happy, you wouldn't care that he took a couple days here and there to hang out iwht his grown daughter.

Or maybe you've had a tug o war with this kid for so long, you're tired (was she the mini wife?)

The important question here is what would make you happy. I'm younger than you, but my mom, who's in her 80s tells me that the happiest women in her circles are the ones who are widows or divorced, lol! They go on cruises, play cards, go to casinos, volunteer at church, etc.

You need to do some soul searching...

To answer your question, my hairdresser and her beau have decided to live apart until their children are grown. They go out separately, they go out with their kids, there's none of the drama and all fo the fun. This has been going on for over 5 years. They help eachother when there's a crisis of course. It's working well, and I'm jealous!

I may be wrong - but it

I may be wrong - but it sounds like it is more than a day or two. What I read (again I may be wrong) was that he has stopped a LOT of activities with his wife to spend that time promoting his daughter. Nobody likes to be tossed to the side for another person.

But I do agree with your assessment that many widows are some of the happiest people out there. I used to tease my dad all the time that he deprived my mother of her happy "widowhood" by outliving her.

I don't necessarily think that older women with a husband are necessarily unhappy - but I know so many older widows who are having great lives. I am now officially an older woman, and I adore having my much younger DH. But I loved my single life before I met him.

All I can say from all of this is that no woman has to have a man to have a wonderful fulfilling life.

I agree notasm3, I also was

I agree notasm3, I also was quite happy single. It's sad so many people are afraid to try it.

I also remember when you

I also remember when you wrote in December and thought it was a sad situation. Your DH is flattered to have young, professional woman on his arm, like a trophy wife. He doesn't seem to care whether you are happy or not. Did we recommend counseling? I mean counseling for just you to help you resolve this? If this was me,I think I'd let him go, get on with my life, open the doors to happiness and more meaningful relationships. Notasm mentioned that he is not allowing his daughter possibly to form friendships or romantic relationships with other people. But one day she will, and DH will be discarded like you have been. Please do not take him back when he realizes this.

We'll have to agree to

We'll have to agree to disagree on that one. OP's DH wants daughter along on what used to be a romantic tradition with SM. In my opinion, he's treating SD like a trophy.

I think that you should show

I think that you should show him this. The way you have worded everything is very eloquent and really drives home how you feel and what is happening. I feel if he had any heart he would be moved by it- I know that it caused me to feel very sad for you

Other than that the only advice I can give is to protect yourself. Surround yourself with those who love and support you. Focus on your needs and enjoy the family time with those who want to be your family.

If this cannot be fixed - SOON - I would start making an exit plan.

WOW

I know this is an old post. Sure hope OP pops in and gives an update.