Separation with step parent ...the after math of the kids involved.
My question is probably more geared at women who have had a man in their life but he was not a biological father of your children. You lived together and he had a big part of your children's life. You and this man had a breakdown in the relationship and decided to split and go separate ways. Is it still expected that this person would still want some interest in your children after the breakup such as visiting them sometimes, checking to see how they are doing, checking in with me. Is this expected or does this rarely happen.
I am concerned for my children's mental health. My spouse and I have discussed a possible break up. I often wondered how it will effect my kids who are 9 and 7 and because they are close with him. They have a dad already, but they have asked to call my spouse 'dad' however I said no. My youngest is really attached to my spouse. Therefore I am worried if they will feel rejected by him once he leaves. Their father left us a long time ago for another girl, and it was very emotional of course. My spouse thinks because they already have a 'dad' that he does not really need to stay in contact. Has anyone else had a situation like this? What is some personal feedback.
I also wanted to briefly mention that my spouse was in a long term relationship with a women who had two kids that he helped raise as his own (there father was not around) the women and him broke up and a year in a half later I met him and started dating him, and 'his step kids' were in the picture. He said he was a big part of their lives since they were 6 and he raised them and loved them. Neither of his step kids call him dad.
Your kids will follow your
Your kids will follow your lead.
Once you split, just make a clean break. Anything less will give your kids false hope that the two of you will get back together.
Once he meets a new woman, chances are she will not want to deal with his bio AND your two kids. If she wants to keep him happy, she will deal/put up with his bio kid. If he wants to keep that woman happy, he will drop your kids like a bad habit.
I think this is expected .
I think this is expected .
I agree, they'll be fine.
I agree, they'll be fine. It's no different than a kid having to move to a different state when his parents get a new job. It sucks to say goodbye to grandma or uncle bob, but in the end, they get over it.
I agree though, it hs to be a clean break, so that they don't miss him every time he visits and then says goodbye.
This is true. No, I do not
This is true. No, I do not want his son to move in at this point. They just met. It is to soon. I also wrote about my situation in a previous post. I have valid reasons why i am not comfortable with it. There is a lot of problems that are not worked out and boundarie issues that are not implemented with BM? Does this make me a bad spouse because birth mom doesn't want their son around me or my kids since the first day she contacted my spouse asking him to meet his biological son ten months ago. That is not my problem or fault that we have been together for four years longer than he has actually known his biological son. Huge difference than just having a 12 year old step son in the picture right when we first met, and we grew together as a family. One day at a time.
There is no right/wrong
There is no right/wrong answer since families vary so much. SO is okay letting your kids go and not having contact. Believe him and help your kids adjust. Don't try to manufacture more of a relationship than there is. Maybe a few visits to a pastor or counselor will ease the transition for your kids.
I think many single parents, in a burst of love and happiness, latch onto new partners and expect them to fill the new-mother/new-father role. Pretty common. We color in relationships to fill perceived gaps in Life.
As a result, many partners/stepparents feel painted into roles that they didn't sign on for and wind up anxious and conflicted. (You: w/new SS after a year of visits addressing the reality of moving in fulltime for the next 7 years. SO/Ex-BF: auxiliary father to your kids.)
Listen to your inner voice. Yes or no. Lead your children in the transition. Life changes and your children will be fine with the change if you guide them.
You can't force him to love
You can't force him to love your kids. Please be very careful going forward when you are no longer with him, who you bring around your kids. Date anyone you want; just be aware that little kids, while resilient, have very tender feelings.
Why are you even asking? He
Why are you even asking? He has already TOLD you he doesn't WANT to keep in touch with your kids after you split.
I think your expectation that he would is strange and not rational, for what that's worth.
I have no advise and I hope
I have no advise and I hope I'm never in this situation but I do have experience...
My ex-SF was in my life since I was 9. I called him and introduced him as my dad. (My bio father was only heard from four times in my life)
When I was 28 we had found out that he was cheating on my mother for 9 years. She found out from his best friend. After they divorced he tried to stay in contact with me, calls, sent cards, etc. but I cut him off! He had hurt my mother so bad and I was not about to hurt her more by staying in contact with him.
It was one of the hardest times in my life that I went through and I still get sad when I run into him and the woman he cheated on my mom with. But I suck it up, put on my bitch face and ask "wow, your still alive?"
Sorry but that always makes me feel better.
I think considering the age
I think considering the age of your kids, it makes the most sense to break up with him and NOT maintain contact. The kids will be hurt and upset but they will ultimately come around.
If they were older, I would advise you to let them decide. My father and step-mother divorced when I was a sophomore in college, and I do maintain a relationship with my step-mother to this day. We don't see each other often, but once in awhile we get together and we keep in touch.