Is it weird for me to discuss child arrangements with BM?
Hi all,
I'm having some issues with SO and BM's arrangements (or lack thereof) regarding visitation. Brief background - SD (16) and SS (9) live with BM. SO and BM had a major argument a few months ago and pretty much stopped communicating. At the moment, SO usually contacts SD during the week to find out whether she and SS are planning to stay with us that weekend. They then let him know their plans.
Well, technically, that is how it should work. In reality I usually don't hear whether skids are staying over until a few hours before I would expect them to arrive. Sometimes the skids say they are coming over and BM then tells SO at the last minute that she is keeping the kids as she has made other plans. This annoys the heck out of me because it means I can't make any plans for the weekend, or get any food shopping done, because I never know whether to count on them or not. I also think it's ridiculous that a 9 year old gets to choose whether to spend time with his dad or not. I can understand that the 16 year old gets a say in where she wants to be that weekend, but surely the expectation should be that SS regularly spends time with his dad?
I have spoken to SO about this a few times and told him how much it irritates me that he has no regular visitation arrangements. He seems to be putting all the blame for it on BM, which I don't think is fair as she's generally a pretty reasonable person and hasn't made any ridiculous demands thus far. But it's been nearly a year since I first brought it up with SO and he's done nothing much to bring about any change. I have realised that SO isn't going to sort this out, and it doesn't look like BM has any intention of initiating the conversation either.
My question is, do you think it's a bad idea for me to suggest to SO that I contact BM myself to come up with a visitation schedule? I realise that they are not technically my children so maybe it's not my place, but it is having a direct impact on my life and household. Ideally they would sort it out between themselves but given how they feel about each other at the moment that is very unlikely to happen. BM and I have not had a lot of contact since SO and I got together (just over 3 years ago), but when we have spoken to each other she has always been polite and friendly.
Stay out of it. It is their
Stay out of it. It is their children and their issues.
If your DH is not really
If your DH is not really doing anything about it, I'd stay out. It will bite you in the bum. Been there, done that.
It needs to come from DH for any type of lasting change. I empathize. You're in an irritating situation for sure.
no... no... no... Everyone
no... no... no...
Everyone thinks that's the rational way to go, and it ALWAYS backfires. I've even tried to work on the custody schedule with my BM's new partner--and even that caused new conflict between DH and BM.
Your problem here is DH, he simply doesn't want to deal with the problem, because it doesn't bother him. I'm sure they are fighting about something that *does* bother him, but this just bothers you, so its not his priority.
I think he needs to realize that he needs to make his relationship with YOU the priority, or this relationship is going to fail, just like the 70% of blended families out there that end up in divorce.
Step away from this problem. Take control of YOUR calendar, making plans for yourself. Stop planning meals for them, if there's no food planned when she comes, DH can take her to McDonald's. Schedule some fun things for you on weekends, if SKIDs are there, they can be with DH, if they are not there, he can come with you (unless you're going to a girl's night out, in which case, let him be alone and miss you).
Stop helping him right now.
If they don't have you as a buffer, his special time with her will loose it's luster quickly.
If this turns into DH spending every weekend and weekend night with his kids and none with you, make him take you to couples counseling and have him pay for it. Sometimes a spouse needs to hear from a professional that if they put the children first all the time, they will just fail all their relationships.
The parent-child relationships need energy and time. The adult relationships need energy and time. Even friendships need energy and time, or they just disolve.
DH needs to do this, not
DH needs to do this, not you. Make him feel the pain- shop like they are not coming and let him figure it out. You simply say "Since I didn't know they were coming, I shopped accordingly ". Same thing with plans. Go ahead and plan like they aren't coming. If they do, you follow your plans and DH will have to stay home and entertain the skids.
It's not your problem unless you let it be.
Not your monkey, not your
Not your monkey, not your circus. If he doesn't care if his children come visit him then why should you? Another life lesson in Stephood: You can't care more than the bios do. It always backfires and leaves you put out in the end. He needs to find out if they are coming then go shopping for them.
That all sounds sensible,
That all sounds sensible, thanks everyone. I'll stay out of it and let SO sort out the skids' needs if and when they visit. I don't know why I still feel obliged to clean their rooms and get them food in when SO is perfectly capable of doing it himself. I'll let him try it for a while and see whether it starts to bother him.
I guess i am the only one who
I guess i am the only one who doesn't think it is weird. But, I did not have a personal experience like that since our BM has been out of the picture most of the skids life. So ... i guess listen to others
I agree with the others. Stay
I agree with the others. Stay out of it or it will come back to haunt you in a big way.
Make your plans. Either your SO will join you, or he won't. Take a lesson from my life, don't limit yourself because of your SO or his kids. They should never hold you back.
Grocery shopping for his kids? Nope. Put it on him. He can do the grocery shopping for his kids.
Bottom line, you cannot care more about his visitation schedule, their meals, their clothes, their time, than he does.
Doesn't he have a
Doesn't he have a court-ordered schedule?