Skids BM is like that .
~ stay calm
~ read about how to deal with high conflict personalities
~ read about parallel parenting and no/ low contact
~ disengage . Any contact that is necessary with crazy should be done by your DH , not you . Do not respond to her and have zero communication with her .
~ create a sanctuary for you. Repeat that her craziness is not your problem . You are also not responsible for the happiness of skids or how they turn out as adults .
~ get a really tight court order that governs the necessary contact re schedules , exchanges etc but your DH should do that .
And the best advice - live a good life. Take care of yourself . Spoil yourself . Living well ( and looking great ) is the best revenge

Regarding the kids I can tell you - stay calm don't bad mouth BM , they WILL figure out the truth and who the sane one is . Always remember in the end , they are not your responsibility , do not become a martyr and leave the majority of parenting to your DH. Make your bedroom a total skid free zone . Put a lock on your door that you can lock from the inside . De- clutter and buy yourself the most beautiful satin sheets . Retreat , lock the door and ignore the drama until over headphones with soothing music works for me !!

As for coping? Quit tolerating and facilitating her crap. By not seasoning the Skids with the facts of their mother's behaviors and actions you and their dad are failing to protect them from their mothers toxic manipulations and failign to prepare them to deal with her crap as young adults and ultimately as adults.

We had the no badmouthing, no sharing adult issues, etc... with SS regarding the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. The Sperm Clan had a collective manipulative toxic full court press on punishing my wife for moving on and putting their toxic crap on the SKid's shoulders. "Its not fair that you have nice things and we/your younger siblings don't." etc... SS is an only child in our two graduate degreed professional career home/family and is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock spermidiot spawned half sibs by three different baby mamas in the Sperm Clan. Until we began to share the facts regarding the Sperm Idiot's behaviors, Sperm GrandHag's crap, etc, etc, etc... our son had no idea why his father and that part of his family "hated" him. He used that word. We never badmouthed them but we absolutley made our son aware of the facts of the Custody/Visitation/Support case, Sperm Idiots serial statutory rapist behaviors, Sperm GrandHag's crap, etc... in an age appropriate manner. With the exception of a couple of slips while SS was a toddler we did not bad mouth them. We stuck to the facts.

As SS grew up he began to research their crap on his own initiative. By the time he was in his mid to late teens if they floated some crap that did not sit well with him or pass the smell test he would frequently return home from a Sperm Land visitation and dig into our Custody/Visitation/Supaport file cabinette in our home office. Often the would approach us to discuss their latest crap and ask our opinion on why they would lie to him, or say the things that they had said.

My son is now 23, I am his dad just as I have been since not long after his mom and I started dating when he was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. A few months before his 23rd bday he asked me to adopt him. We made that happen. He now has our family name and he took the adoption all they way to having a new birth certificate issued clearly showing me as his father. He still has limited interface with the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool but it is on his terms. He is fully capable of dealing with their crap on his own but knows that if he needs us that his mom and I and his extended family on our two thirds of his family is there for him.

So, I suggest that rather than lie to the kids by omission it is time to start introducing them to the facts in an age appropriate manner and continue to give them more of the picture and the facts as they grow up. Use those same facts to bare BM's toxic ass in court, publically, and professionally every time she so much as twitches to the toxic side. Own her ass and protect the kids. Teach them to be a able to protect themselves from the toxic half of their gene pool.

It worked for us and for my son.

Hello,

Your post could have been written by me, word for word, 5 years ago. I'd have to add that the BM kept kidnapping the kids, which was extremely stressful. Also, I have been woken up by the police knocking at our door at 6 a.m. looking for the SKIDS when exchange time was not until 9:30 a.m. We've also had the false allegations.

Personally, the BM has stalked me, and almost ran me off the road once. I was pregnant.

Anyways, it has gotten better, here's my advice:

1. You need to look up the no contact rule. You yourself should have no contact with this woman at all. Block her from the phones. Don't let her into the house. Call the police if she comes uninvited. Dont attend kids sports or school events if she's there.

2. Get your SO to agree to do ALL conversations with her in mediation, period. I know it seems costly, but in the long run, she won't want to spend the money, so she will be forced to back off. It's an upfront investment, with long term benefits. He needs to block her from his cell phone and let her email him. He needs to only respond to emails that are absolutely necessary, such as pick up or drop off times, or medical issues, period. Everything else needs to go to mediation, otherwise false accusations will continue... and eventually he could be arrested.

3. If the kids are old enough have them email your SO with matters about school, sports, and whatnot. but don't let this become a way for BM to manipulate what you guys do on your time with the kids.

4. I agree with Rags, In most cases, parents should not comment on what BM is doing. This is not the case when parental alianation is happening. I suggest getting books and videos about parental alianation and feel free to bring up this problem up in court. Your SO does have the right to set the story straight if it's a case of parental alienation. Your silence could confuse the kids long term and they will end up in counseling later on, trying to unravel what really happened.

5. Your BM has done so many of the same things that our BM has done, I think you're right about narcissist personality disorder. When she was in the habit of abducting the kids, we tried all the legal routes to get it to stop, to no avail. The courts were useless. Finally, one time, we were so worried, we took the problem to Facebook, asking our neighbors for help finding the kids and letting us know if they saw them at the pool or library so that we could know that they were ok. She was so upset about the world seeing past her phony persona, that she never did it again. I'm not sure this kind of thing wouold work with your narcissist, but do know that they hate the world to see who they are behind their mask She only really stopped bugging me when I started showing up to exchanges with a video camera. Actually, my BD held the camera and we saidi t was her hobby, lol! It worked. We then moved the exchanges to a gas station where there was a surveillance camera and I pointed out the camera to her. No more drama at the drop offs, no more locking the kids in the car for there own "protection", no more making us wait for an hour, because it is now documented by the video camera and we've even started a friendship with the gas station owner who has agreed to help if needed.

6. We eventually got a peaceful contact order from the judge in order to stop the harassment. Start documenting all dates and times of stalking, harassment, showing up unannounced, too many phone calls, etc. A written log of times and dates can be used in court if you guys ever need to do something similar. It will also make you feel like you are doing something constructive when you document the crazy. I've kept the log and I plan to share it with the SKIDS when they are adults and ask me what's wrong with their mom.

I've found that being the record keeper makes me feel like I have a tiny bit of power in a situation that has caused me so much stress and in which I have had no power whatsoever.

I am sorry for your journey as a SM. I can relate. Have a BM that pulls a lot of stunts also. We have custody of the kids but the few hours a month she is able (or wants to see them) she manipulates them terribly. It is a shame to see what a "mother" will do to her children out of pure jealousy and hate. Keep your head up and remember always that the children come first. Also, that no matter how hard you try to do right by them they will most likely resent you for it.

I am sorry you have to deal with mentally challenged BM as well. I agree I wouldn't wish that or a teenage girl on my worst enemy. Sounds similar to BM I have to deal with. Their lies are just that. They have to have proof of the things they say. With ours we have to say prove it in court and that usually shuts her up. You can't understand low IQ and crazy so you are no equipped to deal with it. I found that out the hard way. Now I just sit back and let her lie. The truth always comes out.

I had a mother who spoke ill of my father to all of us kids. My father never engaged her, never spoke poorly of her. When I reached 19, it all started to click, what really happened. To this day I respect my father so much for taking the high road. I have a relationship with my Mom but understand her methods of manipulation. I wonder sometimes if she even does it consciously.

I can't say what may happen in your situation, I feel for you.

In the situation we are in the BM blames my SO when the sun doesn't shine bright enough. She cries to him as if it were her mate, and anything that goes wrong in her life is somehow my SO's fault.

I try not to give him to much advice, just try to be there for him and his child. I agree that pulling back and letting the father deal with the BM is best. I also know that when my SO is hurting, it affects me too.

I am glad to hear you are seeing a therapist. Vent to your therapist instead of your husband as much as possible.

As far as a sanctuary, we don't have a huge home but I do have a huge walk in closet. I took everything out of it, put in a soft light and some big pillows on the floor. I have a CD player in there with head phones and books I find inspirational. Just a thought.

Hi GMLLB, When I read your post it's exactly what's happened to us and I really know how painful it is. I think one of the hard things is that what you are suffering is quite severe abuse, but society doesn't recognise you as a victim. In fact, you are often seen as contributing to it, if not being the perpetrator yourself.
Our BM hasn't been diagnosed with BPD as far as I know but she has all the symptoms of this and narcissistic personality disorder. We are the same as you both; we never never bad mouth her and always try to be the adults and often it's very tough. My partner had a breakdown at one point and still finds it all very hard to cope with. We both lost a lot of friends as she told everyone he had abused her and had a long fight through the courts when he lost access to the kids. We now get them just under half the time but this has led to a whole other load of problems dealing with her.
After 6 years though, the best solutions we have found are:
1. Get a judge to lay out a contact order and never deviate from it - ever.
2. Write down everything that happens in a diary in case you need it in future and keep all correspondence with her.
3. Take it seriously; take how this is affecting you seriously. It is bullying and harassment and if you minimize it you won't protect yourself properly.
4. Never get into any arguments or discussion with her about anything. Insist on handling everything in mediation or by email (where you will have a record of what's said). The best thing we ever did was to block her from our mobile phones and give her the landline number for emergencies (stating clearly this means one of the kids seriously ill or in hospital). Minimize all contact.
5. If she still can't stop, consider applying to the court for a non-molestation order (UK) or it's equivalent.
6. My partner going to psychotherapy for support helped loads. For me I have regular reiki sessions and I pray a lot. Never let yourself get bitter, never let hate into your heart. And remember one day the kids will be older and things WILL get better. Even if the kids never understand what you went through for them, you will know that you did the right thing.
My heart goes out to you as I really do know how tough it is. Try not to listen when people give you doom and gloom that it won't get better. It didn't get better for them and that's sad, but you have to have faith that goodness and truth will win out in the end.
The dog thing is stupid, she would have to have some proof of that. But it sounds like she is contacting you far too easily. Don't be a punchbag; she can't offload all her pain and anger on you. Block her! And stay strong.