Should I take this chance to RUN?
I posted here about two weeks ago (last post is under the subject: "Is this the end?"). I just feel stuck and could use more advice.
I checked out that book, Stepmonster, from the library last week, and this paragraph stuck out to me:
"If you have stepchildren of any age, the most important person in your life is your husband [or wife]. He is, quite simply, the person who in large part determines your happiness - or misery - in your step-situation. His actions and attitudes will dictate whether your quality of step-life will be extraordinarily stressful, basically tolerable, or even enjoyable, despite the inevitable difficulties and bumps along the way." SO. DAMN. TRUE.
It has been 2.5 weeks since I had my initial conversation with my DH, where I gently opened up about my struggles as a SM, blending a family, and feeling connected to SS11. My DH took this as me saying I wanted out, got very defensive, and demanded that I tell him whether or not I was committed to the marriage. He would constantly change the subject (which, for me, was step-life) and turn it into a conversation about our marriage. He said that talking about step-stuff was a waste of time and had no value if we weren't going to stay married. I finally got him to back off a bit and he surprised me by making an appointment for couples counseling. After the first session last Friday, the counselor established that I should receive individual counseling first.
The past 2.5 weeks have been miserable. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells. He alternates between hot and cold. Sometimes he's affectionate because he says he wants this to work and then two hours later, he confronts me, saying that I'm stringing him along. I'm beginning to see huge signs of emotional abuse. Anytime he's gotten mad in the past 2.5 weeks, he says things to point out MY flaws and blames me for stuff.
He said, verbatim, "You think SS11 is scum. You want him dead, don't you? The only reason why I push him away when he's here is because I notice you doing it too." I was appalled. None of this is true. Whenever SS is around, I'm friendly. Sure, I'm an introvert, so sometimes I do excuse myself and go hang out in my bedroom. I NEVER coldly push him away, though. I personally think he pushes his son away because he doesn't know how to connect to him. He's very tough love, and the way he parents is not how I would want my future children to be parented. Anyway...
Some other things he has said:
-"You're not good with kids. Affection for them doesn't come naturally to you. You never go out of your way to play with them" (This is in response to me telling him I wanted kids of my own someday).
- When he initially demanded that I tell him whether I was committed or not, I told him I felt bullied. I needed and wanted more time to process everything we had talked about. I told him I hoped to have figured more out by the end of one week, but this is something serious that shouldn't be rushed. The other day, he confronted me again, and I said this wasn't something I was going to drag on for months. He cut me off and said, "Stop. Listen to yourself. You're lying. You said last week that you wouldn't drag this on for more than a week."
The list goes on, but he says things to make me feel like crap...things that make me sound like I'm the bad guy and he's the victim. These recent events have made me open my eyes to how manipulative and subtly controlling he can be. He makes me feel guilty for taking an occasional nap by saying something really passive-aggressive. And speaking of passive-aggressive, he said "hey, non-wife" to me the other day and cut up a joint credit card in front of me, saying he didn't want to be tied together financially if I wasn't sure I wanted to stay with him.
I had an appointment with a therapist yesterday, and she said that it sounds to her that he's expecting the shoe to drop, so he's pushing my buttons to get me to either drop the shoe or tell him I want to stay with him.
I just want to run away and start a new life, and hold onto the hope that I might meet a truly supportive, caring, understanding and CHILDLESS man one day. I'm 30, so if I want out, I feel like this is my chance. I fear staying in this, fast forward 5 years, DH and I have popped out a kid, my step situation hasn't improved and then I'd be stuck. On the other hand, one part of me wonders if I'm "giving up" too quickly and easily. I never wanted divorce to be an option and sometimes find myself telling myself that "I made my bed and now I need to lay down on it." But the other half of me fears that it will only get worse from here, especially since my DH has proven to be unsupportive. He said that if I chose to stay in this, he would help me with my step-struggles, but how do I believe him? Actions speak louder than words.
You know what's even funnier
You know what's even funnier about this situation? I'm my DH's third wife. His first wife is the BM. They split up because she kept cheating on him. Second wife, she also had some step-life struggles. He said she was a witch who yelled at SS for spilling milk, she grabbed the chair SS was sitting on, he fell and hit his head. He said she didn't show any remorse. I would be SO interested in her side of the story though. I wonder if she just also got "punished" for struggling as a SM.
I should have taken the multiple divorces as a red flag, but love and romance can render us stupid sometimes.
A lot of what he's said about her, he's also now saying about me. He called her bipolar, and he started calling me that last week.
What you said makes a lot of sense. He jumped into his second marriage and his marriage with me. In between me and wife #2, he dated 2 or 3 girls and also tried to move quickly with them.
I'm almost tempted to send
I'm almost tempted to send her an email, but I don't know how to get it. I tried looking her up on Facebook, and am not finding her. All I know is that she lives about 3 hours away from us, and she and DH haven't spoken or seen each other since their divorce.
I wouldn't contact this
I wouldn't contact this woman. She has divorced from your DH and moved on with her life. She probably wouldn't take too kindly to rehash the details of her divorce with her ex's new wife.
You don't need to hear her side of the story to give yourself any validation in how you feel about this marriage and the issues with it.
I know I won't actually go
I know I won't actually go through with it. You're right. There's really no point in getting her side of the story.
Echo, I normally agree with
Echo, I normally agree with you and even now to some degree I do. In this situation I agree that this man is doing what you stated but to say "Men" do this, is where I disagree. I might be in the minority but I'm a man and I'd never do what this guy is.
The way I see it, I take so much pride being a parent to my DD's and I take as much care for them as humanly possible. I don't need my wife or another wife if she were to leave to take care of them. Their my kids and I helped create them, so I'll take full responsibility for them. In fact, if my marriage were to fail, I seriously think I'd never marry up again, especially to have a live in babysitter. I do just fine on my own.
I get upset about the way everyone perceives men these days, like bumbling idiots who couldn't find their way out of a wet paper-bag lol. I see it on tv, commercials, in public and on forums. I take great strides to be a man and a real man. I'm not the only one, all of my friends feel the same way.
Sorry about the rant, ain't mad at ya, just throwing my two pennies on the table lol.
I thought she had 3 kids by
I thought she had 3 kids by 26. Baby with HS sweetheart who died. Or was that someone else? She is the one that takes kids to a gun using BM right?
So another fake, right?
So another fake, right?
She suggested individual
She suggested individual counseling for me because she said she gets the impression that I already have one foot out the door. There were also some huge life changes that happened over the past 3 years (I lost my mom to cancer, had a falling out with my dad, tons of family drama) that I never got resolved. She thinks that's why I might have rushed into this marriage even when I knew I wasn't okay with certain things (like the fact that DH had a kid, etc).
I'm beginning to think that leaving just really is the best option. Leave and go work on myself for a bit before I even think about dating again.
I will be careful, for sure. Thanks for your input!
Wow. I'm just amazed because
Wow. I'm just amazed because you hit the nail right on the head. You said something very similar to what one of my best friends said, who has also gotten to know my DH:
"I think he's unaware of his own destructive patterns. He's not capable of seeing them so he can't take responsibility for the mess he leaves behind. I think he has poor conflict management skills and chooses defensiveness instead of love."
Sounds like your DH would
Sounds like your DH would still be an ass even if there was no SS.
Did either of you even read
Did either of you even read her first post?! She tried to talk to her husband about her feelings about being a stepmom and ways to work on that...and he refused and HE turned it into an ultimatum about their marriage. Not her. If anything, he's stringing her along. She wanted to discuss an issue...and HE made it a hill to die on.
So, you're saying that if you had hurt feelings or resentment about some issue (anything...doesn't have to be skid related) and you wanted to talk to your husband about it. And he essentially said: "There's no point talking about these feelings or working through this problem you're having until you've sworn you're 100% committed to the marriage! Do you really want to be with me? Do you? Really?" You'd be cool with that kind of treatment? You wouldn't find that emotionally abusive or manipulative in any way? The least bit immature and unnecessary? You don't think that trying to talk through difficult issues with your spouse...is commitment to the marriage? Isn't that how marriages work? People have problems and they talk through them and come to a deeper understanding of each other? That's how it's worked with my husband. I've had plenty of issues with being a stepmom...I've brought the issues to my husband...he's listened. Sometimes he's gotten defensive of his kids...but he's never, ever made it about the marriage or my love for and commitment to him. Do you think we'd even be having this conversation if the husband had done the mature thing and said something like: "What makes being a SM so hard? Tell me...I've never been one, so I don't know..." That would be the kind of marriage-building conversation starter that would make the OP feel secure in her union. Instead, he turned it into a high school pissing contest of who loves who more.
I think you're off your rocker, Tommar. Of course, I've never once seen you take a SM's side or look at the situation from her POV, so why am I surprised?
I don't see it that way at
I don't see it that way at all. I think every SM has wondered if she's cut out for step-life...and every SM has fantasized about a traditional non-blended family. It's what we thought about as kids (I know I never "dreamed" of having stepkids) and it's a hard ideal to shake. Any SM who hasn't had doubts is either very lucky or lying...most likely to herself. Just because OP has voiced those doubts here...doesn't mean she's "stringing her husband along" nor is it a reflection on her marriage.
My point is not that I think my husband, or the OP's husband, should sit around "waiting for me to make up my mind" about our marriage...but that he's mature and doesn't assume that every time I have a problem or hurt feelings...it means I'm on the fence about the marriage. To him...it just means it's an issue to work through. I think that's what a mature marriage is. Likewise, when my husband has a problem with me or any of my behaviors...I don't automatically go into panic mode or assume he's trying to shut the whole thing down. I assume the opposite...that he's trying to work on the marriage and strengthen it, not destroy it. In fact, many therapists will tell you that "catastrophizing" in a given situation...blowing it up or bringing it the the worst possible conclusion...is emotionally abusive and manipulative behavior meant to control...and that's what I think this husband is doing. He doesn't want to have to do the hard work of talking through these issues or working on the terms of their marriage...so he acts like the OP is throwing the whole marriage away to manipulate her and get his way.
I guess we read these posts completely differently. You see gaslighting on OPs part (huh? where?) and I see someone who tried to talk about her feelings with her husband and got blasted. She wasn't considering leaving until HE brought it up and made it the focal point of the conversation. She just wanted to talk about her role as a SM. Now that she knows her husband has no interest in supporting her or talking to her about that...she is on the fence. But that was only after his incredibly immature response. But...in your world...cutting up joint credit cards and calling your spouse "non-wife" is totally understandable...while trying to get counseling and talk through your complicated feelings toward being a stepmom is "gaslighting."
lol. Wait...so, since he
lol. Wait...so, since he lives with her, he should "be able to tell" what's going on? His perception of the situation is automatically correct? By that logic, since she lives with him...she should be able to tell, too! So I guess we're at a he-said, she-said stand still.
But seriously. She mentioned ONE instance that could possibly be taken as flip-flopping or not being solid in her word (saying she should be able to figure out more in a week...then saying she wasn't planning to drag things out for months). But really that same story could also be taken as her just trying to calm him and letting him know she's NOT stringing him along...trying to stay on the same page as her husband and trying to buy herself some time and space to think...something it doesn't seem like her husband allows her to do very often, which is why I think the counselor suggested meeting with her alone, frankly. Everything else she's done...trying to talk about the issue, suggesting counseling, trying to have calm, rational conversations...that's all been very normal marriage stuff. Meanwhile, he's kicking her out, questioning her commitment, separating ornaments, accusing her of wishing his son were dead, cutting things up in front of her, using high-conflict language and emotional blackmail at every turn.
We know he doesn't want to talk about any of it because a year ago she broke down crying about it while out at dinner with friends (interesting...a friend's husband has enough emotional intelligence to ask her how she's handling the stepmom role but her own husband doesn't) and he never mentions it again. If I started crying uncontrollably at a dinner party, you can bet my husband would try to help me get to the bottom of it the next morning. But her husband is just thrilled she never brings it up again. Then, she bravely broaches the subject again...and she gets this huge, undeserved s***storm from him.
There may be a lot more going on behind the scenes...but I think you're the one reading into the situation. "From what she is posting here" (to use your phrase) she's in an incredibly abusive relationship with someone who has already failed at marriage twice.
30 IS YOUNG! I know it
30 IS YOUNG! I know it doesn't feel like it when you're thirty but it is! I had all of my children in my thirties. You have a chance at finding someone without kids and having an intact, nonblended stephell family. I say you take that chance. He doesn't sound like he has any redeeming qualities
I read it as this woman is
I read it as this woman is having issues with being a SM. DH does nothing and blames her; she wants to leave and is trying to see if he will start manning up. He won't- I do not think she is stringing him along. She knows she needs to leave but wants to make sure it's the right thing to do.
^^^ Yes to all of the above.
What some might see as me "stringing DH along" is me trying to rationally think things through, go through therapy, and see if there's anything that can be done for me to overcome these feelings I'm struggling with. I wanted DH's help, that's why I decided I needed to have that conversation with him. I only want divorce to be a LAST RESORT. I'm not flippantly taking on the attitude of, "Ugh, nevermind, I'm not cut out for this step-life. I'm going to get out of here."
Whatever. People are entitled to their own opinion.
He's trying to bully you into
He's trying to bully you into telling him what he wants to hear. You don't give ultimatums in a marriage. Nor do you say...I'll work on fixing this problem once YOU SWEAR, SWEAR, SWEAR you're `100% committed to me and our marriage! How juvenile.
You asking to work on the SM issues IS you being committed to the marriage...that IS proof that you want the marriage to work, that you're actively trying to make it work for you. His actions are proof that he wants it to stay exactly how it is, whether that's good for you or not. Wanting your way and wanting the marriage agreement to stay "the same" is not the same as commitment to the marriage itself and might even be the opposite. By nature, a marriage is a living, breathing, evolving thing. My mom always described marrying someone as "signing a blank check" because people change over time and the person you marry today WILL CHANGE and be a different person a year from now. I've also heard marriage described as one long contract negotiation and renegotiation, which I love. I think it's really a beautiful idea. So...is HE committed to the marriage itself, to making the partnership work and letting the relationship grow and evolve? Or does he simply want the same thing he had a few months ago, before you realized some really important things about yourself and your own happiness?
You need to make him see that he's the one abandoning the marriage...and even the very idea of marriage. Or you need to walk.
He didn't ask if I wanted his
He didn't ask if I wanted his son dead. There was no question involved. He said, "You want him dead" as a statement. I've been nothing but nice to my SS, so he's just pulling this statement out of his ass.
If my DH was not sure if he
If my DH was not sure if he wanted to stay with me because of my non-relationship with SS30 - I would be willing to discuss it with him. Maybe we could work out a compromise or maybe we couldn't. But you really can't know if a compromise can be reached until you TRY to work out something.
And I would not need to issue an ultimatum that I would only talk about it if he totally promised unconditionally that he would never leave me. You can't ask someone to stay "no matter what" when there is no definition of what the "no matter what" is.
I realize that we are only hearing one person's version. But in any negotiation the final result should be the result of compromise (or failure to reach a compromise) not pre-determined before any discussion.
If you want kids and you
If you want kids and you don't like how he's painting the son he has, that on top of the other issues? Yeah get out. He doesn't like he's the changing type so leave. Conflicting parenting styles are a Huge cause of fights. Tops the reasons for divorces. Money and then kids - whether or not to have them and how to raise them. If you already have issues, throwing a kid in the mix will just blow the whole thing wide open.
You'll wind up being accused of not treating them the same, not loving them the same to probably with this guy, being a terrible parent. Just leave. You want to. He doesn't want to hear you or change anything. So leave.