Am I over reacting?!? Long I'm sorry
I have been with my husband for three years, married for two. We have two young children together, ages 2 and 10 months. I have 3 children (10, 8, & 6) from a prior marriage and he has 2 children (16 & 12) from his prior marriage. I have not had problems until recently when my SD told us she was pregnant. I begged her mother for 2 years to put her on birth control to help with her cramps and skin etc to no avail. As soon as she got pregnant and my DH got upset his ex told him he had to be more sensitive to her feeling s and couldn't yell at her. From then on out every time DH tried to set boundaries or fussed at her for missing curfew her mom would defend her and tell DH he wasn't being mean or my SD didn't feel loved in our home and would come pick her up and take her back to her house where she would avoid consequences. SD's mom refused to take her to the doctor because she wanted to wait to get approved for Medicaid. My DH carries very good insurance and we offered to pay the co-pay but still wouldn't take her. SD stared spotting and her mom wouldn't take her still . Two weeks ago she finally got approved for Medicaid and took her to the doctor and learned she has miscarried and they scheduled a DNC. Since my SDs boyfriend lives next door his ex asked that she not stay the night here until her birth control was effective. She made us feel bad because she felt like my SD was going to hate her so we agreed to say that it was our rule. The very next day my SD and her mother tell us they are stopping by after the dnc but they neglected to tell us they invited the boyfriend to our house. I got very upset when I watched my SD walk past her father without a word and go to her boyfriend where they hung all over each other. I felt like we were being used by the ex so she could be the good parent for bringing her to see the boyfriend and I felt like my DH was being used by his daughter by pretending to come see him but instead inviting her boyfriend over to spend time with him. I lost it and told my husband (in a separate room) that he was being used and they were running our house. I dropped the 'f' bomb a lot. Instead of confronting his ex or his daughter I left. When I come home I learn that his ex was upset that my SD heard what I said and she demands an apology for cussing around her daughter. SD was eavesdropping on a conversation that wasn't hers and after I left she admitted that she had only come to our home to see the boyfriend. Fast forward to a few days ago when I posted a meme on Facebook. My SD took it personal and unleased a personal attack on social media about how I'm nothing to her, I'm fake and I have to feed everyone bull crap to get people to take my side. She called pitiful and pathetic; it was terrible. DH told her she couldn't come here with that attitude and she accused him of always siding with me. When he asked for examples the only thing she could come up with was he agrees with me when I refuse to make a seperate dinner because they don't like what I cook. When DH said that was ridiculous, she then claimed I hurt her feelings when I told my brother she was pregnant; again not her conversation and nothing negative was said. I feel like she's fishing for reasons to hate me and I feel like her mom is enabling it. When the fb thing happened she had no consequence for the blatant public disrespect, but they asked that I remove anything that might offend SD. I know what the problems are, and I know I can't change his ex. I know SD is hurting emotionally from the miscarriage, and I know DH is trying so hard to fix things, but all he does is says they're going to be changes. I don't understand why there aren't consequences for her actions. Now the ex and SD want apologies from me and I don't feel like I should be sorry for standing up and fighting for control over my home. Am I overreacting? Am I wrong for expecting some sort of punishment for what she's done? After the argument with DH both the ex and SD took me off fb so they shouldn't have been reading my fb to begin with. honestly I care more about how to support my husband when he's trying so hard to take a stand but still gets run over. Do I just bite the bullet and fake an apology to make his life easier? If I do that they will keep doing this. These people love me when they get child support early or get a trip to the mall. I have a hard time with things only being good wheat hey get their way.
The one with that says I'm
The one with that says I'm 97% sure she doesn't like me and 100% sure I don't care.
You have no idea how relieved
You have no idea how relieved I am to read my thoughts from an outsider! I feel like disengaging is exactly what I need to do and when I told DH about it he was upset that he felt like I wasn't going to try. I told him I wasn't giving up but I also wasn't going to be held responsible for a child who will not be held accountable for her actions.
I have three kids ages 6,8 ,
I have three kids ages 6,8 , and 10. He has two daughters ages 14 and 16. We have an ours baby. And we did not make it, btw. I feel for his daughter age 16 pretty much how you feel about yours except mine is a lesbian or no doubt she'd be pregnant. She's smoking and drinking and doing drugs and her mom is still trying to cause problems for me.
I have no advice for you. As you can see our situations are very similiar. and if your hubby doesn't take control of the situation with the bad stepkid and her mother ... just look to me. Your new baby will be doing the every other weekend child of divorce thing too.
I'm sorry it ended the way it
I'm sorry it ended the way it did for you. It is a tough spot to be in for sure. The hardest part is watching these kids grown up with no consequence instead of being raised. I did tell DH that he is required to discipline our children swiftly and firmly because I wanted my children to succeed in life.
I think both DH and his ex are hung up on the children's feelings and not wanting to hurt them that they can't see howich they're actually hurting them if that makes any sense.
Ugh. This girl sounds like a
Ugh. This girl sounds like a train wreck and I hope you wash your hands of her. Certainly don't waste time trying to figure her or her mother out or defending yourself against their foolishness.
Obviously, SD should not
Obviously, SD should not hear the f word, even though she practices it. Golly, anyone else scratching their head thinking wtf?
No apology from you needed, from you. And please, BM has no business ever being in your home.
No, I am being sarcastic that
No, I am being sarcastic that what an outrage SD hears the word of her behavior! She isn't pure as snow. I would have laughed in their faces and said something about SD couldn't hear but should could do it. But I can be a bit*h like that especially when it is about a private conversation.
That was actually my reply
That was actually my reply almost exactly!
I had actually told DH
I had actually told DH something similar. It all has me scratching my head honestly. I guess I was raised different and have higher expectations for my bio kids.
I had actually told DH
I had actually told DH something similar. It all has me scratching my head honestly. I guess I was raised different and have higher expectations for my bio kids.
"This BM is a nut. I wouldn't
"This BM is a nut. I wouldn't apologize to anyone. Maybe SD owes the entire family an apology for being irresponsible and getting pregnant and causing all of this chaos."
^^This^^
First thing first - you need to get BM out of your house, and out of your life. She has WAY too much power in your home and over your DH. She should not be dictating terms in your home. Block her number, block her and SD on fb, and do not engage with them AT ALL. Your DH sounds like BM's lil b!t@#, doing her bidding, which is laughable considering her daughter's lack of morals and common sense.
You need to put your foot down and implement some hard, fast rules for your home. With that many children, consistency, routine, and organization come first. The other kids don't need to be subjected to this drama. Tell your DH to take his Showtime's Shameless SD to the doctor for the depo shot ASAP and to keep his toxic ex out of your life.
You can't care more than the bio parents do, but you certainly can draw boundaries to minimize the collateral damage their poor parenting choices cause.
BM and SD can demand all the
BM and SD can demand all the sh*t that they want. You do not have to give them anything but a major STFU b*tch.
SD is 16 and has already been pregnant. If she hadn't had a miscarriage she would be having to mother a baby. Take the gloves off with this girl. She is no longer deserving of kid glove "poor little child" treatment.
SD is just a dumb ho-bag like her mother. Remove BOTH of them from your life. Honestly there is no reason to keep sh*t in your life. Stop caring whether the SD is even dead or alive - much less whether she gets a "punishment" or not. You need to toss your "give f*** about her" in the trash.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to just IGNORE THE WHORE. Stop giving a sh** about what she thinks or says about you. Right or wrong - you do not have to defend yourself.
My SS30's GF (who I have never met) thinks I am evil incarnate. I so DO NOT CARE. I do not feel the slightest need to correct her or to defend myself.
And stop arguing about this with your DH about her. Let it go. If you want to keep the peace 1)Keep her away but 2)Even more importantly keep her out of your conversations as well as your home.
Do not apologize, I don't
Do not apologize, I don't think you owe one!
She WAS PREGNANT, I think she can handle the f word.
oops!
oops!
Why was BM in your home? I
Why was BM in your home? I tolerate BM in our foyer when she drops SD off, but that's it. I would not tolerate her "visiting" our home for any length of time.
Tell BM to stay out of your home and don't apologise.
BM's worried about a stupid
BM's worried about a stupid apology because you dropped f bombs to your DH in private? She's worried about her daughter having to hear those "bad words" (gasping in horror). How incredibly damaging it must be for a 16 yo to hear the f word (extreme sarcasm). She should be more worried about how her 16 year old daughter got pregnant! How silly. And she eavesdropped on your private conversation. That's her fault if she heard you.
BM has messed up priorities. You don't need to apologize for anything.
Inviting the boyfriend to your home without permission is unacceptable. They proceeded to hang all over each other? Disgusting. Don't be surprised if she ends up pregnant again as you know, hearing the f word might encourage her to perform the f word.
Dumb. Just dumb
If anything you are under
If anything you are under reacting.
Quit lying to the kid. Facts.... are neither good nor bad. They are merely facts. Give the kid the facts. If she is old enough to be playing pole in the pocket with the neighbor kid she is old enough for the facts. Tell the kid that her BM is a spineless lying see you next Tuesday and never, ever, lie to the kid again about anything. Be straight with her. Parent, quit coddling, DH needs to find his man sack, put his hands between his legs, grab a bit old handfull of giggleberries, man up, and parent. If not this little wannabe breeder is going to be leeching her expanding though shallow and polluted genepool off on the tax payers to support and that should not be tolerated. If the BF is 18 or older put his ass in prison for statutory rape and protect any other mid teens from his toxic spuge.
This toxic spawn and her BM need to be pummeled into submission with the facts of their bullshit, your own children including the two you share with your DH need to see an example made of this useless POS kid so that they will do anything to avoid turning out like their POS older sister.
I am very sensitive to this topic. My bride was a 16yo single teen mom. Rather than lie to her and tolerate her poor decisions the one good thing, and about the only good thing, my ILs did was hold her accountable for her actions and forced her to live the consequences of those actions. Because of that, but mostly because my bride is not a POS, my bride pulled her head out of her butt, learned from her poor decisions, went on to graduate with her HS class with honors, a dual major BS with honors, and MBA with honors, is now a CPA with a successful international career, and to raise a young man of character and standing in his profession and community (we did that part together actually). If your SD does not get the message and quick she will not have a snowball's chance in hell of turning out worth a shit.
And BM going non linear over your expressing frustration with a few salty words while in private conversation with YOUR husband should not be something that should be tolerated in the least. Particularly when this immature POS BM does not have the woman balls to put her foot up her own daughter's ass and tell her that she does not want this kid around this POS BF until her ability to breed with him is mitigated. What kind of mother is so clueless as to not confront her precious crotch dropping that she needs to be on ht epill before she sees the sperm idiot from next door? What a POS shit this woman is. Just her mere existence and presence on my planet pisses me off to no end. Grrrrr!
IMHO of course.
Good luck .... step grandma.
Rags, I gotta say, I'm really
Rags, I gotta say, I'm really enjoying your posts!
Hi NotStepon, So, you and DH
Hi NotStepon,
So, you and DH have a mess on your hands... and you guys need a plan, a serious course of action.
I'd say, sit down with DH and have a LONG talk (without any kids or anyone around, play hookie from work if you have to).
1. You 2 need to reconnect, spend some time alone.
2. You need to find a way to get BM out of your lives. Take all contact to email (block ALL cell phones) and don't let her into the house. You MUST demand this. There's only room for 1 wife in your house. Demaind couples counseling if he won't agree.
3. Get a strategy in place for SD. What are the rulles going to be? Can her BF come over? What kind of birth control is going to happen here? How is she going to get her life back on track so she doesn't become a loser? Is SHE going to get counseling?... after all, she's a teenager who just had a miscarriage... that's very difficult, even for adults.
4. Decide whether or not you're disengaging and figure out what that's going to mean for you and tell DH, and start doing it for real.
PUT ALL THIS IN A CONTRACT AND HAVE HIM SIGN AND DATE IT.
Refer to it later.
Signed plans hold people accountable. Many DH's will say "ok honey" just to get out of the uncomfortable conversation. However, if they see the plan they agreed to in writing, it forces them to think about what they're really going to do.