Biological mom can't/won't follow through with parenting decisions
Hi there, recent stepdad of a 10-year-old boy here.
His mom and I are having a rough go of it lately. The kid has some pretty significant behavioral problems, which include monstrous, hour-long temper tantrums about school, homework, screen time, bath time, bedtime, getting up in the morning, and just about everything else. There's very little peace in the house. He's always been a difficult kid, and I had a pretty good idea about what I was getting into, but his behavior and anxiety are completely off the charts right now, and the situation just keeps getting worse. We have him in weekly therapy to help him sort through his issues.
Given his special needs right now, his mom and I spend most of our "us" time coming up with strategies for parenting him. I don't ask to have the final say, especially since he's not my biological kid, but I do expect that if we make parenting decisions together, these decisions will be put into actual use.
You can probably see where I'm going with this. I try very hard to do my part, but his mom drops hers at the first sign of resistance. I've tried talking with her about this many, many times, and she agrees that it's not good, but when push comes to shove, she simply won't follow through. We tell him where a boundary is, he challenges it, and she caves. I end up getting treated like the bad guy for pointing it out.
Whatever else is going on in his head, having inconsistent and poorly policed boundaries can't be helping with his behavior, but I'm at a loss about what to do next.
Suggestions, anyone?
Whatever else is up with the
Whatever else is up with the kid, he's got working Mom down to a tee. Scream a little louder. Stomp a little longer. Ta-dah, Mom caves and saves me from that mean old man's rules and expectations.
Tape a few (discretely, of course) of how it starts, how Mom reacts, where kid ramps it up and how Mom melts. Play it for her when her son is at school. Request to let son's therapist listen to it.
It should be interesting for Mom to hear the actual incident as it truly played out compared to how Mom remembers the incident taking shape.
All the 'us' time discussing parenting tactics is worthless as long as Mom continues to guilt parent and/or gets weak and inconsistent.
Yeah, her opinion is that he
Yeah, her opinion is that he can't control any of his behavior, while I'm like, maybe he can't control all of it, but a lot of it looks exactly like he knows how to get what he wants. She's reluctant to see it that way.
Right now he's seeing a
Right now he's seeing a psychiatrist.
Family therapy is coming, but not for another month or so. It's the soonest they could work us in. I know I ought to be patient, but it's like the help can't come soon enough.
As far as good cop/bad cop, I'd agree, but his mom is playing both roles. Since I'm not the biological dad, we've been really careful not to make me look like the heavy. It's true that, behind the scenes, I push for more firm boundaries. Hers have always been on the squishy side. Out in the field, she's the one who gives the consequences -- or doesn't give them, as it often turns out. Whenever I've jumped in to keep us on course, the kid has gone through the roof.
The odd thing is, my relationship with him is fantastic when it's just the two of us. The minute Mom walks in the door, he turns into a toddler with heroin withdrawal symptoms.
So where is Dad in this
So where is Dad in this picture?
Completely out of the
Completely out of the picture. The kid has never lived with a male dad figure. He does feel like he's losing some of his old power now that he's in a two-parent household, which is definitely contributing to this mess.
Stepping back is hard for me,
Stepping back is hard for me, because I do feel like I'm abandoning them, but on the other hand the current conditions are completely unworkable, and yeah, I have done everything I can.
Right, his biological dad has
Right, his biological dad has severe untreated mental illness. He's living in an entirely different country (and headspace).
I'm completely OK with being the stepdad. I don't need to be his real father. I certainly don't expect him to treat me like one. I wish I could get his mom to understand that, if she wants me to be the stepdad, then I need to have some say on how things are done, and when we work out a joint decision, I ought to be able to trust that this is what we're going to do as a united, consistent parenting team.
I'm afraid you're right.
I'm afraid you're right.
I just get the sense that if
I just get the sense that if she could stick to the plan, within a couple months, we'd have a much different situation on our hands. I feel horrible even considering leaving for something that ought to be this easy to fix, but apparently it's not easy, or there's no desire to fix it. If family therapy doesn't bring about some substantive changes, I'm not going to have a choice, which won't work out for anyone. It's senseless and stupid, but I can't change it.