Wish my DH wasn't so nice
DH and I have been married for 4 years. DH has full custody of SD11 and has always been her primary carer. SD11 and I have a great relationship. She calls me mum and has done so even before we got married and started living together as a family. She sees her BM every other weekend and gets 2 phone calls a week on a set night and specific time.Thats it...no holidays no birthdays no special celebration days nothing but 4 days a month. We do however allow her visitation above the court order on Xmas Day and alternate who's house SD wakes up at on Xmas Morning. BM has court ordered injunctions against her and she is not allowed to leave SD11 unsupervised in her husband or step sons care. BM is in a miserable marriage and always broke. BM has had 5 children and raised none of them and has never been married to the father of any of her children. Her modis operandi is to get pregnant so they are trapped in a relationship, leave all the child rearing to the father while she sleeps in a valium induced coma.And those are her own mothers words! My DH refused to marry her despite her getting a marriage licence application and filling it in for DH.
Handover is at a neutral public place and there is a no direct contact agreement i.e all contact has to be done via written methods such as email or text. She is not allowed to approach our car or call us to discuss anything. There is also a restraining order against her approaching our home at any time. The handover agreement also states that nothing other than SD is to be exchanged between houses and that SD is handed over having been bathed, fed, and in the exact same clothes and shoes she was handed over in. These rules have all been neccessary to keep BM at bay. She is highly toxic.
So lately BM has been approaching the car with things to give DH, last weekend it was a bag of cherries. She said SD couldn't eat them all and no one at her house liked cherries so was it alright for SD to take them home. DH turns his head to roll his eyes at me at how stupid she is and then says "No nothing is to exchange between us". We are very strict with adhering to the rules because if you give her an inch she takes 3 inches next time and then 5 miles the time after. We leave. SD says in the car on the drive home she didn't want the cherries but her mum insisted she take them home with her. SD says "Mum just wants to annoy you dad". Not 5 minutes later he gets a text from her " Looks like you married yourself a real bitch there. Our daughter shouldnt have to suffer because of the mole you married".
My Dh's response was super uber calm and non confrontational and kept to the facts. "BM, We have these rules for SD's benefit. Nothing is to transfer between us. Name calling just causes people to believe you are disingenuous with your dealings with us as we work together to raise SD".
Butttttttttttt God I am so sick of DH always being so level headed.
I just wish one time he would respond with something cutting like
" Actually I do believe I refused to marry you ".
BM text DH today to invite SD and DH to her family Xmas get together with the stipulation that I was not invited. His response " We are already committed that day".
Grrrrrrrrrrowl
Whats so hard about sending this " I would rather pick my eyeballs out with a rusty fork than spend one second in your presence"
I did tell him he should not be responding to anything other than visitation issues and breaches of our court orders. And I say "our" court orders because we have several against her that involve me and my children and my family and my home.
Pretty minor stuff compared to what some of you put up with.
Step life is certainly character building!
My DH is like this too. He
My DH is like this too. He always takes the higher road. I wish he would just put her in her place sometimes. Early in our relationship he was actually considering installing a new ceiling fan in their old marital bedroom, per her request. I FREAKED out on him! "She gave up the right to have you as her handy man when she went and effed the gym teacher at the school where they both work, asked you for a divorce and kicked you out of your house!" He quickly realized just how crazy her request was and said "you're right, if it doesn't have to do with the safety of my children I will not handy-man myself at that house.
Oh my goodness, we want nice men not jellyfish.
higher road can also be
higher road can also be interpreted as "no balls." dh always did this. he never even fought for visitation in writing because bm had him so whipped by holding the skids over his head.
Thats how I see it too.
Thats how I see it too. Frustrating.
Level headed and balless are
Level headed and balless are two different things. If he were balless, he would let her get away with breaking the rules, he wouldn't have a restraining order on her, or a no direct contact agreement. Sounds like he's taking care of business just fine and knows how to handle her.
My DH is pretty easy going and it takes a lot to get him really mad but believe me, when he got to that point, BM took it serious and knew she had crossed a line.
Someday, your DH may need to be an ass, and when he does and is, she will know he means it.
However, his answer to the invitation to her family Christmas should have been dealt with differently, as that was just inappropriate of BM and he made it sound like it was only because of other plans that he would not be attending.
I would tell him that you'd
I would tell him that you'd like him to stand up for you a bit more when she attacks. He can do that without being mean.
For example:
"BM, it is not appropriate to speak to me about MY WIFE that way."
"BM, It is not appropriate to invite me and SD to a party without my wife. She is my family and I want to be by her side."
I'd give him those examples and let him figure out how to do it in the future. She's testing boundaries by insulting and excluding you, and he needs to shut it down and show her, through action, where his loyalty is.
un like you he is calm but
un like you he is calm but sticks to the rules that is set, and also if he starts what would the sd think and in the eyes of the law also, grow up seems like the sd likes you in which calls you mum is something, he may be calm but if all this in place says alot , dh nice work
Ignoring the whore (or at
Ignoring the whore (or at least just giving minimal info with the no) is really best.
But part of me longs for the day when I can tell BM just what I think of her skanky ass even though she is now a "born again" Christian who is now much holier than anyone.
She keeps trying to friend DH on FB. She is over the top a holier than thou Christian - but in my opinion she is still a skank hobag. I have to totally contain myself not to tell her to go eff herself with all of her outreaches to DH about the new little bastard grandchild.