Is there hope for SO and I?
I have been best friends with my SO for 2 years and have been dating him for 9 months. He has a 6-year-old daughter and a 3-year-old son.
I've always known that he had kids but didn't meet them until we were dating for about 3 months.
I feel really connected and in love with my SO. He is everything I ever dreamed of in a man: understanding, hardworking, attractive, honest, humble, creative, sweet, compassionate, sensitive, strong, etc. He is literally everything I ever wanted in a guy.
The problem is that I'm having the hardest time accepting his children. They are not what I expected my children to be. The little 3 year old is a sweetheart but the girl is such a brat. She's spoiled to the max, demands attention, has no manners, has problems following the rules we made, does whatever she wants without asking, she stole something the other day...the list goes on.
I've worked with children for 4 years in a preschool and school-age setting so although I don't have kids of my own, I feel that I know enough about positive reinforcement, discipline, teaching, dealing with kids in general.
2 months ago, my boyfriend lost his job. He found a new job but he now works 3 out of the 4 days he has custody of his kids. Being naive and in the spirit of helping him out, I agreed to watch his kids (Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) while he goes to work. I feel like this was a HUGE mistake.
Everything was good for a few weekends but when I started to realize how spoiled the little girl was and how I was missing out on weekend events I couldn't attend because of his kids, I started to grow resentment towards my SO's kids. I hated the fact that I had to give up my weekends for them, that I had to watch his ex's kids. I hated myself for all of this and I became super depressed.
I started going to therapy but my therapist told me that I just had to deal with it and accept it or leave. She literally said 'It's like going outside and seeing that the sky is blue but wishing that it was purple'. I know that's the truth but that's not what I wanted/needed to hear. I needed ways to deal with it and get through it. I switched therapists now but I won't start with my new one until after the new year.
Yesterday I had a huge mental breakdown. My boyfriend kissed me and the little girl pushed me away from her dad. I was already annoyed at her because of her attitude earlier so I snapped. I yelled at her 'did you really just push me?!' and my SO defended her saying that she didn't that she was just trying to hug him (something dumb like that I was too mad to listen), but I felt her push me so why would I lie about it? He told her to keep her hands to herself. I mad-dogged him and he said 'what do you want me to do?' I was so pissed off I was just silent so he started going off on her yelling at her to never touch me again.
I let my emotions get to me, all that resentment, all the anger,pain, annoyance, frustration so I told my boyfriend that I needed a break. He was devastated and desperately tried to make me change my mind. I couldn't though, I can't take it anymore. It's not fair to myself and it's not fair for his kids. I don't want to have resentment towards his kids or feel anger or hate. That's not who I am and I love children, I always have, it's been my whole career.
We had a very ugly, abrupt, dramatic, sad ending to our night but we decided that it was best to give me my time. I told him I would seek help and work on myself to deal with all of this. We agreed that I wouldn't see his children anymore until I was emotionally stable enough to see them in a positive light.
I love my boyfriend so so much, I can't see my life without him but I can't help but wonder if it'll get better? Will I be able to get through the pain of having his kids in my life? Kids he had with someone else who are not being raised the way I would want them to be?
I hope to hear positive stories of hope that things will get better. I'd like to believe that leaving my boyfriend is not my only option.
How do you deal with this? Please tell me it will get better?
(No subject)
:jawdrop:
Hahahaha the last part! I
Hahahaha the last part! I truly wish I could go back in time and provide him with a zillion condoms.
Thank you for your input! I think it is true that I have absolutely no obligation to his children. They're HIS. As much as I love him, I'm not about to add the stress of trying to be a parent when I'm not ready. I feel I deserve better.
Yes, so far my boyfriend and
Yes, so far my boyfriend and I agreed it's not my responsibility to watch them and we're going to go to couples' therapy in hopes that it will help. That's my final option.
You moved too fast too soon
You moved too fast too soon with all the good intentions but in doing so youve made yourself an awkward authority figure to the kids (which is what happens if you are home alone with them) but you do not have the ranking of parent or teacher.
My fiance and I have been living together for 3 years, it is only in this last 6 month period that I have had SD5 on my own. And even then it is literally a case of if my fiance has to start work early in the morning, rather than have SD5 go to before school club I will drop her at school, so she is in my care for less than 2 hours.
Prior to that my fiance was 100% responsible for any and all time that SD5 was with us, after all its HIS parenting time not mine.
I have a great relationship with SD5, shes a really lovely child, BUT I honestly believe I have a good relationship with her because there was no confusion with roles and our relationship was able to be built in our own time. From day one my fiance ensured that SD5 (then 2) treated me with the same respect and decency as she is expected to treat any adult.
Take your break if you feel you need it, tell your boyfriend, you adore him thats not an issue BUT he needs to parent his children and that means he needs to get his visitation in order to ensure that when the kids are with him then he is actually with them. He really ought to get this sorted anyway because if the BM finds out that the kids are with you most of the weekend because hes working he may find himself loosing that time completely.
I totally agree that we moved
I totally agree that we moved way too fast with the kids. I'm not going to watch his kids anymore or feel bad because of it (I felt so guilty and ashamed that I wasn't able to handle it). He made the decision long ago to skip out on condoms and that's the decision he's gonna have to live with and handle on his own. I'm not responsible whatsoever for his life choices. As much as I love him, I'll stand by his side but I will not carry his 'burden' for him.
We had a long talk and he agreed that he needs to spend more time with his kids and strengthen his relationship and parenting skills with them. One of the reasons why I love him so much! He is always willing to change and try and never gives up.
Thank you for you input!
Thanks for your input!
Thanks for your input!
Haha I'm trying to stay
Haha I'm trying to stay positive though! My BF is the most amazing guy I have ever met. If it wasn't for the kids, our relationship would be movie status amazing. Guys like him are hard to find nowadays (I know cus I dated so many jerks, idiots, etc.) so it's hard to let this one go.
Yes, I feel like you have to
Yes, I feel like you have to be among some of the strongest people on the planet to be a step-parent. It's ridiculously hard and requires so much patience, love, forgiveness, courage, etc.
I don't think I'm ready for that.
My boyfriend agreed to go to couples' counseling (he set up the appointment without me asking, so proud) so I'm hopeful that it will help.
I think one of the hardest parts is accepting that my dream family isn't going to happen and that like you said, our SO and us have different expectations of each other as parents/stepparents.
Thank you so much for your input and I truly wish you the best in your situation!
Nope, not worth it. A couple
Nope, not worth it.
A couple of things: you aren't ready for kids (free weekends comment) so you'll always hate them for keeping you in. Leave.
She pushed you, you confronted her, her dad defended her then yelled at her when you weren't placated. It's only the beginning of Disney dad land. Leave. You watch his kids more than he does so you'll be the only one enforcing any type of rules because when Disney Dad gets his one day off hell want his babies smiling even if it's at the cost of you and your happiness. Ask yourself do you really want to be with someone who made YOU feel like there was something wrong with YOU and how you felt about HIS kids? No, nothing you did is out of the ordinary; if I see a brat in Walmart I don't have to like them and their parent can't make me nor should they tell me to seek help because I'm not okay with the way their brat is acting. Your ex therapist is right though, the girl is a brat and the dad sucks on top of being MIA, you can either accept the situation for what it is (a clusterF**k of a sinking ship) or leave. I think you've had all the warning signs and red flags some of the Smoms here would have begged for so take the hint and go. Tell him he's a good parent but a terrible dad and that just doesn't work for your ideal partner, you aren't ready for kids yet and since he has them--wel its over. l
I completely agree! I am so
I completely agree! I am so not ready for kids, I love kids but that's why I only work with them so I can hand them back to their parents at the end of the day! haha
I love my freedom.
I can see what you mean by the Disney dad, he's going to feel bad for not seeing them and when he sees them he's not going to discipline them. Ugh the whole situation stinks...
Thanks so much for your input!
I agree! I'm no longer going
I agree! I'm no longer going to watch them and I will not feel bad for it. It's his responsibility, he's the one that skipped out on the condoms, not me. I am so not ready for kids....
Thanks for your input.
I agree with a previous
I agree with a previous poster. You seem totally normal and fine.
I've been married for 18 months, and I find myself swimming in a sea of regret. My SS11 isn't even a bad kid. I could never see him doing something like push me or blatantly disrespect me. It's easy for me to tell you to LEAVE, that it's not worth it, but at the same time, I'm also regretful because I've come to realize that my DH doesn't possess some of the basic qualities I would want in a husband. If you really feel that your boyfriend is the perfect man for you, then I agree with other posters in that you should stop being their babysitter. Maybe one day a week is fine, but THREE?! Heck no.
I just about went crazy when I had to stay home with my SS for 4 straight days during his summer break. His summer camp hadn't yet started and my DH had to go out of town for work. I was in between jobs so I had no choice but to watch him. I could tell he was trying to see how much he could get away with by asking me if he could do things that I know he would never have dared to ask his dad (like staying up late to watch tv, sleeping on the couch instead of on his bed, eating fast food every day, etc.
May I ask why your boyfriend and his ex split up?
This sounds like my situation
This sounds like my situation except that my boyfriend works out of town for weeks at a time. BM won't take her own children so that's not an option (she sees them like 3 or 4 days a month whenever she decides it's convenient for her). So I'm the full-time, primary caregiver to two children that aren't my children. I'm losing myself a little more every day and I don't know what to do... It's basically all or nothing I guess so the only other option is to say goodbye to the man I love and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The situation just sucks no matter which way I look at it.