I was the primary caregiver of my 2 SSs as well as 3 bio daughters. My husband had full custody of his sons. The boys also called me mom. Bio mom was in the boys' lives but not a real presence. She and my husband divorced when the boys were 2 & 4 and rather than stay with her job and care for her sons she opted to move out of state and start a new life for herself, she basically vanished with no contact for 2 years....at 2 & 4 there's a big impact as she went from being full time mom to the boys to no contact. When the boys met her 2 1/2 years after the divorce they did not recognize her, husband had to tell the boys she was their mom.

I met husband when he had been divorced 3 years, the boys were 5 & 7. The oldest was very eager to show me around, help me out, was very chatty, eager to get to know me. Younger boy was a bit more shy. I had a huge part right from the start. I was willing to take on the care of these children and husband was more than hapy to share that responsibility, infact he told me to handle things myself.

BM had no clue we were dating til I answered the phone one day, a good year or more into dating. This and announcing to the boys that we were getting married created issues, BIG issues.

I think BM had planned to start her new life and get her boys back but husband felt he had everything handled with the boys and did not want to have them change homes, feeling they had been thru enough. This, and the fact that I was caring for the boys, did not go with BM and I don't think she ever accepted it. She was the typical very hateful, bitter BM to deal with and her influence on the boys was very negative. Husband has wished many times he could have taken her rights away from her completely.

After husband and I had a child of our own the family actually had a blending time which was positive. It was like this child brought us all together.

Once the older 4, my daughters and his sons, reached legal age they each sought out their bio parents, the parents that had abandoned them. Those connections were very impacting to the new adult children and 3 out of 4 supported the parent that abandoned them which caused my husband and I a great deal of sadness as this siding came with hateful emails and turned backs towards us.

Husband and I have been together now for over 26 years. His oldest just recently married and I was excluded.

If I had it to do over again, I know now that I should have walked. There was a lot of red flags I ignored. I became involved too willingly and I should not have. I defended the boys and supported and helped them, non of which I regret but I have had to look at my time with them both as a time of being more of a foster parent. They because angered as adults that they had been encouraged to call me mom but that is exactly what I was. We had no idea if BM would stay in the boys' lives at all, she had already had her absence and we wanted the kids to all have a mom and dad.

I wish you all the best and hope your situations turns out better than mine.

Hi, here's my story
I am a primary stepparent as well. My SS is 4, I've been with him since before he was one (8/9 months old). Before it was 50/50 then DH took BM to court and now it's more 80/20 except during the Summer which we revert back to 50/50. I was in my last year of college when I moved in with DH so he worked nights and took care of SS during the day. DH left for work right before dinner time so I was only responsible for dinner, bath and bed. THOSE WERE THE GOOD DAYS.

Ha, now it's Prek4, DH was advised to switch to working days at his job because the opportunity wouldn't come again and I do everything now. Some here would hate it but I don't. He's not a bad kid; he listens and respects me more than either of them. He acts like me, talks like me sometimes so we enjoy each other's company most of the time.

The part I enjoy the most (mostly because I know it won't last forever) is I get to be his "safety". He tells me how he feels when his mom or dad hurts his feelings and we talk about it. When we are coloring or drawing I encourage him to include his "other family" aka BM, her cousin and his half brother in his drawings. Maybe it just hasn't happened yet but he's never asked why BM and DH aren't together or wanted them to be together without the rest of us . He knows Dad is with Max and BioBaby and Mom has Live-In cousin and Halfbrother. It's just what he knows and for now that's good enough.

I just had my first bio this Summer, BioBaby is 5 months this week. SS loves his little brother and hasn't rebelled to his presence (BM had her second a year before me so he'd already had the culture shock) Some days he helps me with him, some days he's preoccupied with himself or his dad. He likes to tell BioBaby how to do this or that "the right way" so he can be just like him when he's bigger.. I agree that I'm in Momma Mode now though; it doesn't turn off. Most of my mommy mode is enclusive to SS and its against foreign hostiles at the park or playground LOL. SS is like me in the sense that he doesn't like to let strangers hold the baby and when I let them he keeps his eye on them or gives them the third degree. Now don't get me wrong he is very much a basic four year old as I've posted about a day ago. But I'm fairly lucky in the skid department. I only have one, been with him since the almost beginning, he spends most of his time with me and we have similar personalities so it's smooth sailing for now. I'm ready for the turn when it does happen though.

I have 3 SKs that live with us ages 11, 10, 7 and 2 bio 6 and 5 months. SKs came to live with us a year ago. BOY O BOY was it a culture shock to got from 1 kid to 4 and now 5. BioMom is on drugs and has not seen or contacted her kids in 2 yrs. I have closest bond with the 10 yr old she really looks up to me. the oldest 11 is a little nitwit lol and the 7 yr old is grown beyond her years and competes with my 6 yr old. I really wish their mom was involved because it cause the children to have behavior issues. They feel abandoned you know. Im drained I love our kids but I NEVER wanted to be a mother of 5 I also would love another kid with SO but refuse to have 6 kids. It is a tough adjustment but we have blended pretty well. What sucks is my mom usually gets my daughter some weekends and she goes to her dads for the summer which used to be my me time, but now I have HER kids 24/7 there is NO breaks whatsoever. She's out with absolutely NO responsibilities High out of her mind reliving her teen years while I have her ENTIRE responsibility. I don't think its fair. Im only 25 I could have very well walked away when my fiance informed me he was pursuing custody of his kids, but I chose to stay and now I can't wait until the oldest two are in college lol then at least we will be down to 3 kids.