New to forum and I'm looking for a little advice
Hello,
I've never actually posted in a forum before so please be kind 
I've been dating my current boyfriend for a year and two months. He is thirteen years older than me (I'm twenty eight and he is forty one) and he is absolutely the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. We are planning to move in together next spring as he is currently building a house in the country.
We are both reasonable people and agree on most issues; however, we definitely disagree on what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior from his six year old daughter who is an only child. I'm concerned that his reluctance to discipline his daughter when she is being rude and disrespectful towards adults (me, my boyfriend, and his parents) is going to have a lasting effect on her. He believes that it is just a stage she is going through and pretty much either ignores her behavior or does whatever she asks. I feel like his daughter rules the house when she is with him. She is demanding, she doesn't say please and thank you, she thinks it is okay for her to tell adult to stop talking because she can't concentrate on her creative play, she has terrible table manners, etc. I don't believe this is healthy for her. However, my boyfriend dismisses her behavior and attributes it to genes - "she is just like her mother, I don't make any lasting impression on her." I, quite frankly, think this is a cop out on his part.
I will definitely admit that I have no experience with children. I just remember my childhood and I don't remember being allowed to behave like this. We have had discussions before and while he is willing to listen, I've definitely gotten the standard response of, "you're not a parent and you have no idea what it is like to raise children."
What should I do? Can I do anything? What can parents do with a bossy six year old? What can a step girlfriend do with a bossy six year old? Is it really a stage that she will grow out of? Is this going to have a lasting effect on her ability to lead a normal life? Do I just need to learn to ignore her behavior? Am I allowed to criticize his parenting in a gentle way?
Her behavior is not a deal breaker for our relationship. However, I would like to explore some of the options available for changing her behavior prior to our moving in together. Or, I need to change my own behavior and attitude. I don't want to change his daughter but I do want to make our time together more comfortable. I don't want to cringe every time we have dinner with another family. I don't want to feel like a six year old is invading my personal space.
Thank you for all helpful advice!
Trust your instincts. A six
Trust your instincts. A six year old should be expected to say please and thank you. A six year old does not tell adults what to do. When does your SO think she will learn these things if he's not willing to teach her? A six year old will turn into a mouthy 12 year old and then a demanding 18 year old who can't hold a job and expects daddy to support her in the way she'd like to be supported.
This doesn't get better. In fact it gets worse. He is doing his child a HUGE disservice by not giving her the skills to function in the real world.
He might be clueless about children, and he might just be doing the easy thing for right now. Long term, he is damaging that child. Parenting classes for you both so you can learn how to be a united team.
I've definitely considered
I've definitely considered parenting classes, and I've definitely considered counseling, but I think I'd like to wait until we're living together and I really know whether her behavior is consistently bad or just occasionally bad. Also, she just started kindergarten and I'm hoping that any major behavior issues will be addressed during parent teacher conferences.
A source of the problem is that the BM is problematic. She never worked during their marriage and she has yet to find a job. She enjoys confrontation and embraces atypical viewpoints on everything - diet, vaccines health, western medicine, etc. How do you try and instill more traditional and respectful values in a step child when her mother probably encourages her wayward behavior? I'm pretty sure my SO and his ex think their daughter's behavior is normal, acceptable, and will change on its own. No lessons are required to turn her into a normal, functioning adult. The BM is proud to be an argumentative and challenging person and I'm sure she is raising her daughter to be the same way.
I feel like my SO enables his daughter in the same way he enabled his ex wife when they were married.
I really think this is just going to require counseling and/or parenting classes in the end. My SO and I are not going to agree on the right way to parent his daughter.
Thank you all for posting!!!
Thank you all for posting!!! I really appreciate the advice.
I definitely don't think his daughter hates me
She apparently asks about me and wants to know where I am if I'm working. There are happy moments in our interactions. She told me she loved me a couple of weeks ago after I read her a story before bed. She (mostly) loves my dog although there are definitely some issues cropping with that relationship. I've never known a child to be jealous of the attention that a pet receives. I'm afraid that this jealousy and resentment will eventually settle on me.
I don't understand children but I really feel that even though she treats adults in a disrespectful way, she truly loves and cares for those around her. She has just been spoiled and enabled for a lot of her life. My SO feels incredibly guilty because of the divorce and I think this negatively influences his ability to parent
My SO splits parenting time with his ex 50/50 and for the most part, he has her for a week on and then a week off. However, my SO also has a crazy work schedule and so his parents watch SD for a lot of the time. SD splits her time between three different couples, all with different parenting and discipline styles. I do feel sorry for her. There is no consistent reinforcement, no consistent schedule, no consistent environment, etc. Sometimes she seems like an only child who is just trying to exert some control over her constantly changing environment.
While the divorce was not contentious, their marriage ended fairly quickly and we started dating pretty soon after. We waited for three months before introducing me to SD. Now, I've known SD for nine months. Sometimes, I think she just needs more time to readjust. But I also think we are all doing irreparable damage by letting her continue to act in this way.
You all ARE doing irreparable
You all ARE doing irreparable damage to her by letting her exhibit this behavior. I don't know where this epidemic started of people believing children magically pick up the tools for survival without anyone teaching them anything. No one in the history of the world has thought this until now. People have been training children since time began. It's astonishing so many now think it's ok not to do so. It's almost like this philosophy has spread like a virus.
No, it's not a "stage." Well, it's a stage called "childhood" which will soon progress to adolescence then adulthood and her behavior will just get worse. She should be taught the word "no" firmly and she should be respectful of all adults as a matter of course.
bbritt, you will come to regret this relationship as sure as I'm typing here if this kid is not reeled in. I feel that you may be at some disadvantage to your boyfriend not because you don't have kids of your own but because you are significantly younger and it almost sounds like he's a bit condescending to you because of that and you may also feel slightly intimidated to disagree with him or challenge him too much.
It is absolutely guaranteed that you will be driven out of your mind by this type of parenting and then you will be a 38 year old woman with an incorrigible step-teen and a man you can barely look at instead of a McDreamy Lover. Get the parenting thing solved or move on and find a childless man which should not be too hard to do at your age. It will be infinitely more difficult to find said childless man when you have lost all respect for this current man when you are 38. Not trying to be harsh, just telling you the realities of how intolerable this kind of parenting becomes to live with and how it kills relationships over time.
^100% on point!
^100% on point!
So you guys started dating
So you guys started dating right after the divorce?
It won't last anyhow. Statistically speaking, at least.
Even if your boyfriend thinks
Even if your boyfriend thinks that the rudeness is just a phase, you have every right as an adult to be treated respectfully by your SD. I would start demanding that she says please and thank you and telling her off if she interrupts you. There might be a bit of fight from her at first, but if you stick with it and demand to be treated as well as she would treat a teacher at school then she will soon get the picture. Your boyfriend can either continue to be disrespected by his daughter or learn and see that it doesn't take having kids to know how kids should behave.
I wouldn't move in until your boyfriend acknowledges that your SD needs to treat you respectfully and he backs you up on that. The only way things have a chance of working out positively for you two is if he is willing to take your concerns seriously and help to find solutions. If he is continuously off-hand and proclaims that it is normal for an x-year old, or she is still adjusting after the divorce or that you don't know what you are talking about because you know how to use birth control so haven't birthed a baby....then you know that living in that home with them will not be comfortable for you and you might want to seriously reconsider. A partner who respects you will respect your opinion.
If she is jealous of the dog
If she is jealous of the dog you need to be on top of that situation. Don't let her and dog be alone together. If jealousy translates to physical violence towards the dog then the dog is going to lose.
Search "Disney dad" and "teenage girl" on this site and start reading. You will find your situation is common.
Don't expect the school to handle her behavior issues. She may behave totally different at school because she knows what the expectations and consequences are.
Okay this is my advice and
Okay this is my advice and maybe not everyone will agree on it but this is what I have done.
We have had SS every weekend since he was 7 months old ( DH is not the BIO father but loves him as his own and we now have full custody of him …Long story) anyways when he is with BM he is rude and demanding and wants people to do everything for him. DH used to allow it too. Me from the get go (or he was old enough to act like this I should say) I was always polite and did things with him but when he tried to treat me like he did others adults I would correct him and explain to him how I would like him to behave for me. I told him if he would like my help, or needed something from me he needed to ask politely and be respectful of me and I would help him, if he didn’t I would ignore it until he did acted right. Took some time but he understands how I want to be treated. He can act that way with his mom if she allows it that’s fine because she is the mother. He can act however DH allows it because he is the father. Let them parent how they choose to because you are not the parent. But don’t just sit back and allow a child to act like this to you just because they don’t want to parent.
First, welcome. I hope you
First, welcome. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family adventure.
So, this man is a useless POS as a parent, he lets his toxic spawn run amok as a 6yo, he not only tolerates her shitty behavior he justifies and enables it and you want to spend the rest of your life with him?
Why exactly is that?
Please explain. I would love to know.
He is actively participating and helping his XW turn his daughter into a mini-me BM apparently.
Look at his marriage to BM. You are starting the exact same journey with this guy.
You flat out said you're
You flat out said you're looking for advice.
Here is my advice.
Do not move in with this person and his kid. It will be the biggest mistake of your life. You're only twenty-eight years old. This kid is six, which means twelve more years of this kind of behavior. Which will only get worse as she gets older. That is best case scenario. Worst case is she continues to live at home through college (if she attends) and possibly beyond.
You're looking at years of fighting for control of your own home. And by control, I mean your wants and needs being pushed to the side, while your BF and his kids become the only priorities in the house. You're looking at your BF creating a mini-wife, as he is already using excuses to keep from parenting her properly.
And what about you? Forgive me if I missed you saying this, but do you want kids of your own? Or do you plan to stay bio-free? If it's the former, I can tell you with complete certainty his parenting style will not change with any kids you have with him. Your BF is forty-one and it's unlikely he will be willing to change his ways. Not for his ex, not for his kid and not for you.
Do you really want to be asking yourself, in twelve years, when you're forty and he's fifty-three if you made the right choice??
Those were my thoughts and
Those were my thoughts and feelings BEFORE I moved in with my then finace and now husband....
I'm not going to sugar-coat it. You are in for a battle, this little problem is not going away and you are absolutely right, she should behave better. My only advice is to think seriously if this is the life you want and if it is then set up some ground rules now and get your man on board. When you start to correct the little girl stay strong and do no waiver.
Good Luck!