Am I being over sensitive ? Jealous even ??
My fiancé has been guilty on many occasions of keeping what he feels is 'inconsequential to me' information to himself. I've found out, days later, about him going so far as to meet up with a guy who had a motorcycle for sale, with not so much as a hint that he was doing this. (which would be a compromise to 'our' finances in the event that he actually bought it.) This is just ONE example. We've had numerous conversations about the fact that I feel what he does is sneaky and methodical, and he tells me that I give him too much credit and that the last thing he is capable of is scheming or being diabolical. Not the choice of words I used to describe him, so I can't help but to wonder if he's been called these names in his past.
A few nights ago, we're sitting at home watching tv, and the image of a young girl comes on the tube and he says, "she looks just like my step-daughter" ~ and I just looked at him and said "What" ? As if he thought I didn't 'HEAR' him, he follows that up with "My ex's daughter. That girl looks just like her" I looked at him and asked "Were the hell did THAT come from ? You have never once spoken of your ex's kids and nearly nothing at all about her, why would you bring up something like that. And she is hardly your step-daughter any longer, now is she" ? That was basically the end of the conversation.
Last night as we were just sitting around, out of no where he says "I looked up my step-kids on Twitter to see what they look like now and whether they've followed in the steps they wanted to years ago" I literally stopped mid gulp of my water and looked at him and said " Why ? What is it with your sudden obsession with your ex's kids" ? He tries to justify his comment by saying that he'd spent a few years of his life with them, and he was just curious how they're doin. I asked him if it occurred to him at all how uncomfortable a conversation such as this makes me feel, never mind the fact that he made that statement while my kids (the ones he habitually refers to as his step-kids in conversation with anyone) were sitting in the same room. Taking into consideration all of the important stuff he neglects to tell me, what in his right mind would tell him that this is something that I'd want to know ? And it's not even JUST that he's digging up his past, but that he still refers to them as his step-kids ! Like as in, present tense.
Am I being irrational here, or would something like this bother anyone else ?
he said....the last thing he
he said....the last thing he is capable of is scheming or being diabolical
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I call bullshyt on this comment. Everyone is capable of that. And actually that comment proves just how scheming and diabolical he can be.
Your whole post is red flag city! He keeps many things from you. He apparently lies a lot. And he has brought up his ex skids suddenly, twice.
Bet you that he has already made contact with them or their BM. Sorry he sounds kinda creepy to me.
It wouldn't bother me that he
It wouldn't bother me that he looked them up. He's curious about them, but after your reaction when he said that a girl on TV looked like his SD, I'm surprised he told you.
I get not wanting to her about EXSkids. My SO has two and in the beginning of our relationship we fought about them. I have never kept him from seeing them but I didn't want them in my house. He blames me for not having a relationship with them any longer even though his EXSD lived with his parents all of last year and they barely spoke to each other when he was over there.
I understand your feelings, but to him it probably seems like no big deal. Why were you upset that he brought EXSkids up in front of your kids. I'm sorry I didn't get that part.
We've been together over 2
We've been together over 2 years, cohabitating for 18 months.
Thank you for the head's up about how long it takes for the revelations to be over. It's actually quite comforting to know that I'm not the only one who loves someone who can be such a douche about sharing important stuff.
Oh this will be one HELL of a long engagement, LadyFace, as I've sill got to make sure the understanding is there as far as when and if there is a 'relationship' to be had between his daughter and myself.
And before anyone goes off on a tangent about 'why I even wanna marry this guy', please know that he is a very good man who just does some really fucken stupid things sometimes.
HAHAHAHAHA ,
HAHAHAHAHA , LadyFace.......that's awesome.....
Did you ever feel the way I do sometimes though ? That he purposely kept things from you, or that his interpretation of an important subject, and your interpretation of same were night and day in comparison ?
I'm glad to know that I'm not
I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who hasn't seen any of the Star Wars Movies. I have no clue what all the uproar is about.
But noooooo R2D2 and yoda.
But noooooo R2D2 and yoda. Even jajabinks!
I was the only kid in my
I was the only kid in my class who didn't give a shit about Star Wars when it first came out. Still don't care about Star Wars.
Because he actually referred
Because he actually referred to the ex wife's kids as HIS 'step-kids'....like they still are, and not the ex's kids. My children, albeit that they're 17 and 20, think it's pretty special that despite the fact that we are not yet married, my fiancé refers to them each as his step-daughter and step-son. But apparently it's NOT a special delegation or title because the kids of a wife that he was married to for less than 6 months, STILL holds that name.
Yeah I have to agree with
Yeah I have to agree with this.
He was probably just curious. I would just let him no point blank, in a non passive aggressive way, that you understand that he is curious and that he previously had these steps in his life, but you do NOT care to ever hear about the again.
I don't refer to either of
I don't refer to either of his kids in the 'real world' as my step kids....whether it be by introduction or reference to them. To me, it's a title specially reserved for healthy relationships between the child of your spouse and you. Otherwise, we refer to them on here as SKIDS. Such a derogative term. It could have been created with any number of other formats; s-k's, steps, etc. but the short form is meant to imply a negative connotation. To me, it's no different than him having the same pet name for someone else other than me. I just believe that it should be exclusive to what and who is important in your life right now.
Silly, I know....
Tommar- I have never had the
Tommar- I have never had the pleasure of word wars with you but you just come off so damn rude. WHY? I get that its the internet and I see all the shit you have to post weekly defending your shitty attitude when others call you out on your rude comments but why do you have to go as far as suggesting the OP has mental health issues? Remember when you're pointing fingers at others that you have three pointing back at you.
Thank you, Stepped
Thank you, Stepped
Your suggestion that her kids
Your suggestion that her kids have mental health issues is rude and you are rude all the time.
I have only been on this site for mere months and have seen many people call you out for your craptastic attitude.
The only things he doesn't
The only things he doesn't share with me, Tommar, are the things he knows he shouldn't be doing. (now don't run with that statement now either) Letting someone like my fiancé go with all his 'thoughts and ideas', would have us living in a van down by the edge of a river. He conveniently chooses between referring to me as his 'voice of reason' or a 'controller', depending on the outcome, so I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't say anything.
I am more than grateful for the life my man had before me, as I know that it's what shaped him to be who he is today.
I'll have to go back and read my post again, as I don't recall referencing the term 'butt hurt' as far as my kids are concerned, and kindly mind your 'P's and Q's to EVER making a reference to ANYONE by so callously and crassly throwing out a comment like 'mental health issues'. In this day and age, you'd think you'd be better educated about how personal or offensive a comment like that could be.
For the record, I've seen a lot of your posts in here, and truth be told, you have a big mouth and no discretion whatsoever. People don't come on here to be attacked by your lack of class when it comes to your opinion. We all know that there's a right and a wrong way to say something to someone, and STILL be able to get your point across. Your intentions are always to turn the topic of discussion over to you and your less than respected view on someone's issue. Congratulations for doing so once again ! I can only imagine that your mouth has gotten you into big trouble in the 'real world' as well.
tommar...yes he had a life
tommar...yes he had a life before her, that is true. But that does not mean she has to be interested in hearing about it. Jesus! What is your deal? Maybe you are the one with mental issues.
Thank you, hippiegirl
Thank you, hippiegirl
I have been taking care of
I have been taking care of his budget and financing since he asked me to over a year ago as he didn't want to wind up with a 3rd bankruptcy under his belt.
He is far from independent in regards to his finances, as the money he gets to spend on just himself, is gone 3 days after he gets it, which means social functions and entertainment after such time, requiring funds, comes out of my pocket.
His own debt load doesn't leave a lot left over to put in the joint account for times like these. So it just is what it is as far as that's concerned.
Thanks Monkey
Well, as a banker , the two
Well, as a banker , the two BKs are a huge red flag for me. Why on earth would someone with TWO BKs under their belt even go NEAR a motorcycle for sale? You can take this with a grain of salt, but let me tell you: money problems are often a character issue.
Agree with that statement.
Agree with that statement. Usually people with money issues have a whole lot of issues going on as well. Money related and non money related.
You see my position very
You see my position very clearly then, ctnmom. He gets approved for a $5000 loan through a company offering it to him at 24%, and he's asking me to talk him out of it.
What's there to talk out of ? To even have that discussion with me should be a clear indication that he shouldn't do it. Even if the loan was at 6%, if you can only JUST bring in enough to cover your debts and the household commitments now, where the hell do you think you'll be with throwing another $150 a month at your debt load ?
It's like dealing with a child sometimes.
Apparently he has ADD, but I think that's just a copout....lol
I'm sure you can well imagine
I'm sure you can well imagine how long this post would have been had I included ALL the transgressions I've had to deal with as far as he's concerned. I am by no means referring to the unforgiveable, such as infidelity of course, but you know what I mean.
And yeah, you're absolutely right ! You can only give an opinion based on how much of a story or a 'side' that someone presents to you. It's not til we delve a little further into the topic that we can really offer an informed opinion.
Thanks moving_on
No shit ! What is so ironic
No shit ! What is so ironic about your statement is that he tells me all the time that I have remained the woman I presented myself to be from the very beginning; strong, honest, tactful and opinionated (lol) To be honest, as far as individuals are concerned, what you see with both of us it what you get, with no hidden agendas, however, his bad habits just seem to keep resurfacing time and time again, and therein lies my frustration.
Nope, not just you,
Nope, not just you, moving_on....I too am all about people saying exactly what they mean so that it doesn't leave room for overanalyzing on my part.
I agree with Tommar and Co.
I agree with Tommar and Co. You come at him for little things and you're accusing him of being suspicious so of course he's going to keep things from you. Why would he willingly volunteer for a fight with you over something as little as saying the girl on the tv looks familiar. Ask yourself this, if he would have said "oh that girl looks like Jane from the office" would you have the same reaction? I think you and he have a lot more going on than just his secrets and your jealousy. I get the frustration of him going to do something then telling you second hand (Been there, Done that with DH) but what it boils down to is that they are simple creatures, they want to do what they want to do without being nagged about it. Im just trying to point out your complaining about him being to secretive and then also complaining of him telling you what he's doing sooooo which one would you prefer?
Well said, Threestrikes, and
Well said, Threestrikes, and thank you for your input.
To be honest, his inability to control his spending urges is actually minute in comparison to how his lack of conversations he has with me about even just the 'everyday' stuff, makes me feel. THAT'S the kind of shit that rattles me. I'm a control freak by nature, and the only time it ever comes back to bite me in the ass is when he doesn't agree with my opinion. When the bills get paid on time, the creditors have stopped calling, he has spending money in his pocket that is his and his alone, he's living in the nicest place he has his whole life, his home is clean, his meals are cooked, his cupboards are full of food, his deodorant is bought for him before he even has to say that he's running low, and he's gained the confidence to stand up for himself at work and in the world simply by my example to him, (his words) I'm the cat's ass and the best thing that ever happened to him. However, like a child that doesn't like what he's hearing, he turns the tables on me and calls me controlling when my unwavering strength as a woman comes into play regarding the things he does behind my back, and he feels that I am contesting him. What has been mentioned above is absolutely true; he has to deliberate over what he is and what he isn't going to share with me, for fear of how I'm going to respond. Tell me, how fair is it that he is only ever to accept all the sweet things I do for him, but when it's time for an adult conversation to be had, I have to be the one that has to deliberate about what I am and what I'm not going to bring up with him for fear of confrontation ? Just like in ALL relationships, you take ALL of someone or nothing at all. You don't get to pick and choose when you 'adore' your partner's no bullshit attitude, no more than I should HAVE to choose when and if you're going to get it.
Well, whodalolly, it's great
Well, whodalolly, it's great that you've set an example for him and done tons of nice things for him. He has surely benefited from that. But he is an adult and so are you. When he announces a motorcycle look see, why not be calm and say something like, "Oh, having a little fun daydreaming?" and just let him answer. Maybe he'll say, "yeah, it was a 1966 super boutique model something or other, I've always wanted to just touch one, this was my chance." Then you just chat together like nice normal people.
OR -- he says, "Oh, I'm thinking about getting it." You say, "When and how?" Then he says "I don't know. Can you help me figure out how long it would take me to save for that after I get debt-free?" Again, another nice normal conversation ensues.
OR -- he says "Tomorrow. You're gonna co-sign for me." That's when you say, "That does not work for me on any level. I fear our different attitudes toward money will be our doom. I have to consider what I am going to do next but no where on my list of options is 'co-sign for bike.'"
In all three scenarios you get to remain calm and he gets to be respected as an adult and your relationship takes no battering. The third option is natural consequences but you both still have the chance to discuss it calmly and even lovingly.
As for the stepkid thing, it's not really a special title it's just a word, a neutral word. Him being curious about her because he saw someone who looks like her is absolutely innocent and normal to me. It does sound like you spend a fair amount of time being angry and distrustful of him for a lot of reasons and that may give you a bit of a hair trigger on things that would not be of concern if all was roses and butterfly wings otherwise. I trust you when you say he is a good man so I recommend unclenching your metaphorical fist a bit and let it be your job to decide if you like him rather than to mold him.
ETA: Bottom line he should be doing the work to impress you and keep you. Do not do the work for him. That makes for a leaky boat.
This is why I like this
This is why I like this forum. It's a sure fire way to get a mixed bag of opinions, and all but Tommar's are respected and appreciated.
Thank you everyone.
Some of you touched on some issues that I KNOW are all my own, and they are my issues to address and be more mindful of.
'like' or whatever the hell
I don't think he's diabolical
I don't think he's diabolical just insensitive. DH still refers to BM's family as "his" family, "his" nieces and nephews, "his" BIL, FIL ... etc. He's good friends with the (ex) BIL's still and doesn't want to call them ex-Bil's. He went on a rant bragging about one of his (ex) nieces, how awesome she was, just graduated from some law school, how close they were... Then it shows up on FB that she'd gotten married and BM and ss30 were there. Poor DH had never even gotten told about the wedding or an invitation. He was obviously dejected, I felt bad for him but I guess she doesn't see him as her uncle anymore. Boo Hoo. I usually listen for a few minutes then change the subject.