While the waters are calm, do I dare initiate a much needed conversation with my man about the SD ?
After having to stand up for myself, once again, after being completely disrespected in my home a while back by the SD, she sent me a text a week later, asking me to explain to her how 'exactly' it is that I feel that she disrespects me. Her text actually came as a bit of a surprise. There obviously was 'conversation' of some sort between she and her dad after she left that day, and I can only imagine how it went; "Daddy, what was up with (insert my name here) the other day ? Why didn't she say goodbye to me when I left. Doesn't she know how special I am" ? "Well, perfect little 25 year old princess, she feels that you disrespect her when you're in our home. I don't see it though" I text her back giving her a very fine tuned description of 'exactly' how she disrespects me. Her reply to me offered nothing but excuses for WHY she does what she does. Miraculously, she denied nothing. She suggested that we get together, just the 2 of us, to talk this out, as I'm going to be marrying her dad one day, and she wants things to work between her and I, for the sake of him. (foolish little girl. Even if all our cards get put on the table, first of all, you're not going to magically morph into being any less of a self-centered little bitch after 25+ years of practice. Secondly, unless you decide to get a job, get off welfare and stop abusing a system that is meant as a stepping stone and not a lifestyle, become a contributing member of society and start being a better role model to your 5 year old son, there is still no hope in hell that I'm ever going to like you as a person and what you stand for) I decided not to tell my fiancé about the text conversation that she and I exchanged, as he needn't hear it twice. There is no doubt in my mind that she shared it all with him. As it stands to this day, we have not met up, as she blew me off when I contacted her about a weekend that I was free. And believe me, that took a WHOLE lotta pride swallowing on my part to even contact her.
I'm never challenged at being able to communicate my feelings to get my point across and have someone understand why I feel the way I do, but I have yet to make my man 'see' his daughter for who she truly is, but more importantly, how she makes me feel while in my presence. (in AND outside of our home, but less tolerable on my own turf) As I've mentioned before in other posts, things are sweet for me right now because she has chosen on her own, to not come around anymore since that day, and there has literally been no mention of her name by him since that time. (nor has he gone to see her) I would LOVE to believe that perhaps his eyes have been opened or that because we came so close to ending things between us altogether after her last stunt, that he’s just not willing to rock our boat. But alas, that would be wishful thinking on my part as I know that this will be short lived, and before I know it, he and I will be in yet another argument, with him minimalizing my feelings, and me accusing him of wearing rose coloured glasses where she's concerned. At least now I can share with him that his precious daughter didn’t deny her actions, she just made excuses for them.
I truly just want to let sleeping dogs lie, but I fear if he and I don't have a conversation BEFORE a visit is imminent, then this vicious circle is just going to pick up where it left off. On the flip side of that, I want to leave well enough alone, because we have literally not had even so much as a difference of opinion since she’s been out of the picture. She is QUITE LITERALLY the one and only factor behind us arguing and not speaking for days on end, and the only reason we come back to speaking again is because we miss the other’s company. Nothing ever gets resolved, it just gets pushed under the rug until the next time. This is what I dread is in store for me; I’ve pushed this situation under the rug, but what if SD decides she wants to come for a torture visit and I haven’t voiced to her dad what my ultimatum is: you can visit her any time you want, it just isn’t going to be here.
Before you marry this man you need to make him aware of what you need and expect regarding the relationship you are going to have with SD.
You can not expect or even ask him to change his relationship with her. You can never make him see his daughter anyway but the way he chooses to see her. You can only tell him you're needs are. Set your boundaries.
Write them out and then have a conversation about it. Not about her bad behaviour or his reactions but about what you want and need and what your reactions will be.
IF she's rude to me, I will leave. If that means walking out of a restaurant or someones home and leaving him there without a ride, too bad.
IF she's rude to me in my house, I will ask her to leave. If she won't leave or you tell her that she doesn't have to leave, then I will and I won't be back.
And then invite her over and see where it goes.
If nothing changes, it's not ever going to change and you need to decide if you want to be married to it.
Think twice about how your so called man minimises how you feel and how he instantly defends his daughters feelings.
Put those requests as mentioned in the post above ( which were great btw) into action NOW and don't wait till after you are married as by then you will have no way of testing the waters to see where your partners loyalties lay. Test thiings out now as in my experience, men say a lot before they get married but afterwards their actions don't match up. This happened to me and now we are in the process of separating all because my DH cares more for his darling princesses feelings more than his own wife's. My story is a long story but the crux of it is we broke up before over something similar and he vowed it would never happen again and magically after we were married, SD 21 pulls a other sneaky stunt and once again he flies in to defend her. He was never genuine in what he said earlier. He just said all that to get me back. Now we are married I'm screwed!
I have said to him that he can go and marry her now!
Thanks for your support skeeter and I'm happy you have come to some sort of resolution with your DH but unless these men WANT to compromise and consider putting their wives first, it will never happen.
Mine doesn't want to so soon after getting married. It's his way of saying if I don't like it I can fuck off! ( he told me to fuck off yesterday and I haven't seen him since).
Awww, stormy....I'm SO sorry.....
He shall remain a very lonely man then, because no strong woman will ever put up with being made to feel inconsequential to a spoiled, self-centered brat. What's he gonna do when she grows up and actually gets a life of her own and doesn't feel the need to destroy his any longer ? He's gonna think of you....
He's designed his destiny, sweetheart, and if he REALLY cared, he would have realised that this didn't have to be a matter of him choosing between you and her, but a compromise that made EVERYONE happy.
Keep on fucking off, babes. No one deserves that kind of verbal abuse.
My marriage ended. Over SD22. And a myriad of other issues. Mostly because exH had his rammed solidly up his rotten kids' asses. I knew when mini bitch came back to daddy's, our relationship was over. And I was dead right. He was not good to me or my kids. He was a bully towards my son. Who was his easiest target. I hated him for that. My so. Is a good kid with a sweet heart unlike his two arrogant asshole boys. But the girl was a bad influence on him and she did no wrong and he caters to her. Even when she speaks to him like a dog. He takes and says she had her period. Not joking.
He wasn't worth it. I was already living on my own because of his exW and XOSS and have been for a year. There was no repairing it and he was an asshole to me again after begging me not to divorce him. I went thru with it after his last major disrespect of me. His kids are ruining his life. Only a pathetic doormat of a woman would put up with him and his kids treating her like shit.
Don't take crap off them. I could write a book of the mess I went thru and it was less than four years, start to finish.
Thank you very much, my fellow SM's.
I wear the ring, as it does symbolize his love and commitment to me and our relationship, but I will not marry him until it undeniably symbolizes what measures he'll take and with whom, to protect my character and what I represent. Oddly, he knows very well who I am as a woman; someone who doesn't take any shit from anyone, and in the majority of the cases where I have shared a scenario of disrespect by someone else with him, he's my biggest fan and strongest supporter......and he wasn't even there to witness what happened. Yet, he'll sit silently in a room while his own flesh and blood alienates me, or ignores me and carries on ridiculous 'old times' conversations with him, that I couldn't even remotely associate with, and he does nothing to include me himself. He sees nothing wrong with how she carries herself in our home, therefor there's nothing to fix. He's filled with as many excuses as she is, so clearly, the apple does not fall far from the tree. I adore this man, and feel a kind of love with him that I have truly never had before, not even with my ex-husband. In every other aspect of our relationship, we can find compromise, but not when it comes to her. The power she possesses over him is undeniable, and as strong a woman as I am, this is just too much for me, and not even the threat of walking away would be enough to make him change his actions, or address hers.
I do recall telling my exH that I realized why I was around. It was illegal for him to have sex with his daughter. LMAO I really did say that to him. I had just had surgery with major complications. Six days in the hospital. He didn't come home from work to be with me and he didn't come see me when I got home. He was mad because I made him "look bad". He didn't tell any of his family. Except precious SD who said she would pray for me. I said well, I had better get my affairs in order. Yep, I said that too. I filed for divorce.
He came back and asked me not to go thru with it. I waited for six months to se him make some kind of effort to fix something. Instead, mini bitch moved in with him (I had my own house) and his attitude went down the toilet. He couldn't ask her to feed the dogs when he wasn't home. Even tho she lived there. He would ask me to because princess was "busy". She left thr poor dog in a kennel. Sitting in it's pee and poop with no water on a day that it was 113 degrees. He got mad at me for getting angry at her. I said I cleaned it up! I had a gut feeling she wouldn't take care of the dog and I was dead right. He got mad at me after that and it was pretty much over.
My DH ONCE stood up to his eldest daughter and defended me over her, ONCE, and that was because she gave him the ultimatum "it's her or it's me Dad"
Unfortunately for her, DH & I were totally inlove and he planned to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me (thus her jealous ultimatum I'm sure) and since I had been through a lot at that point and was considering just giving her that wish, DH finally was forced to take a stand
Again unfortunately for SD, DH was not going to give up his life with the woman he wanted to marry because of her jealous temper tantrum so he handled it. And very well. He told her in a very loving way actually that he really hoped one day she would 'come around' and accept our relationship, but if she chose to walk out of his life remember it was her choice not his
She has never forgiven him, and I thought it was great, but he's never really done anything that mature and wife-supporting since sadly!
I would HOPE that if my fiancé was given the same ultimatum by his daughter, that he would choose the same path that your DH did. I'm SO happy that he made an example of her, and realized that losing you was the last thing he was going to let happen !
I think for now, I'm going to leave well enough alone. He has accused me in the past of starting something with him every 6 weeks or so, but what he fails to realize is that is when the SD decides to rear her ugly head in our lives again. Of course, to him ,there's no correlation. We'll see......
Fortunately for me, although they supposedly have this strong and loving relationship, they have never made it a priority to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas together, so hopefully I won't have to prepare myself for an argument about why she won't be coming here anytime soon.
Will keep you guys posted....and thanks again ladies <3
Hi Who! Your story is typical and I have the same issues. SD and I exchanged emails maybe 4 years ago and I also detailed examples of what SD has done to disrespect me and my marriage to DH - her daddy. She basically did the same thing as your SD and made excuses etc.
I truly wish I never sent the email now. She just turned it all around and has used my words and now states that the problems I had with her are the problems she is having with me. Project much!? Typical projection by turning it all back around on me. Sickening.
I don't have much advice except to create firm boundaries with your SD and you do not need your DH's approval for this. These are boundaries YOU need to feel safe, secure and happy.
Do not engage with the SD. She will twist your words and use them against you. Now that you know your DH cannot be trusted to have your back, get rid of the middle man and take charge of defending yourself when you are in your home.
Sueu brings up so many good points. Making boundaries tells DH what you will and will not allow in your life. It gives him the freedom to choose. I did this very thing - told him he was free to visit SD just about whenever he wanted but she was not allowed in my home until he could inform her she was to respect me as his wife - it was non-negotiable. End of discussion. The responsibility for resolution was placed on his shoulders. I did not have to resort to games.
While the waters are calm, do
While the waters are calm, do I dare initiate a much needed conversation with my man about the SD ?
After having to stand up for myself, once again, after being completely disrespected in my home a while back by the SD, she sent me a text a week later, asking me to explain to her how 'exactly' it is that I feel that she disrespects me. Her text actually came as a bit of a surprise. There obviously was 'conversation' of some sort between she and her dad after she left that day, and I can only imagine how it went; "Daddy, what was up with (insert my name here) the other day ? Why didn't she say goodbye to me when I left. Doesn't she know how special I am" ? "Well, perfect little 25 year old princess, she feels that you disrespect her when you're in our home. I don't see it though" I text her back giving her a very fine tuned description of 'exactly' how she disrespects me. Her reply to me offered nothing but excuses for WHY she does what she does. Miraculously, she denied nothing. She suggested that we get together, just the 2 of us, to talk this out, as I'm going to be marrying her dad one day, and she wants things to work between her and I, for the sake of him. (foolish little girl. Even if all our cards get put on the table, first of all, you're not going to magically morph into being any less of a self-centered little bitch after 25+ years of practice. Secondly, unless you decide to get a job, get off welfare and stop abusing a system that is meant as a stepping stone and not a lifestyle, become a contributing member of society and start being a better role model to your 5 year old son, there is still no hope in hell that I'm ever going to like you as a person and what you stand for) I decided not to tell my fiancé about the text conversation that she and I exchanged, as he needn't hear it twice. There is no doubt in my mind that she shared it all with him. As it stands to this day, we have not met up, as she blew me off when I contacted her about a weekend that I was free. And believe me, that took a WHOLE lotta pride swallowing on my part to even contact her.
I'm never challenged at being able to communicate my feelings to get my point across and have someone understand why I feel the way I do, but I have yet to make my man 'see' his daughter for who she truly is, but more importantly, how she makes me feel while in my presence. (in AND outside of our home, but less tolerable on my own turf) As I've mentioned before in other posts, things are sweet for me right now because she has chosen on her own, to not come around anymore since that day, and there has literally been no mention of her name by him since that time. (nor has he gone to see her) I would LOVE to believe that perhaps his eyes have been opened or that because we came so close to ending things between us altogether after her last stunt, that he’s just not willing to rock our boat. But alas, that would be wishful thinking on my part as I know that this will be short lived, and before I know it, he and I will be in yet another argument, with him minimalizing my feelings, and me accusing him of wearing rose coloured glasses where she's concerned. At least now I can share with him that his precious daughter didn’t deny her actions, she just made excuses for them.
I truly just want to let sleeping dogs lie, but I fear if he and I don't have a conversation BEFORE a visit is imminent, then this vicious circle is just going to pick up where it left off. On the flip side of that, I want to leave well enough alone, because we have literally not had even so much as a difference of opinion since she’s been out of the picture. She is QUITE LITERALLY the one and only factor behind us arguing and not speaking for days on end, and the only reason we come back to speaking again is because we miss the other’s company. Nothing ever gets resolved, it just gets pushed under the rug until the next time. This is what I dread is in store for me; I’ve pushed this situation under the rug, but what if SD decides she wants to come for a torture visit and I haven’t voiced to her dad what my ultimatum is: you can visit her any time you want, it just isn’t going to be here.
Before you marry this man you
Before you marry this man you need to make him aware of what you need and expect regarding the relationship you are going to have with SD.
You can not expect or even ask him to change his relationship with her. You can never make him see his daughter anyway but the way he chooses to see her. You can only tell him you're needs are. Set your boundaries.
Write them out and then have a conversation about it. Not about her bad behaviour or his reactions but about what you want and need and what your reactions will be.
IF she's rude to me, I will leave. If that means walking out of a restaurant or someones home and leaving him there without a ride, too bad.
IF she's rude to me in my house, I will ask her to leave. If she won't leave or you tell her that she doesn't have to leave, then I will and I won't be back.
And then invite her over and see where it goes.
If nothing changes, it's not ever going to change and you need to decide if you want to be married to it.
Think twice about how your so
Think twice about how your so called man minimises how you feel and how he instantly defends his daughters feelings.
Put those requests as mentioned in the post above ( which were great btw) into action NOW and don't wait till after you are married as by then you will have no way of testing the waters to see where your partners loyalties lay. Test thiings out now as in my experience, men say a lot before they get married but afterwards their actions don't match up. This happened to me and now we are in the process of separating all because my DH cares more for his darling princesses feelings more than his own wife's. My story is a long story but the crux of it is we broke up before over something similar and he vowed it would never happen again and magically after we were married, SD 21 pulls a other sneaky stunt and once again he flies in to defend her. He was never genuine in what he said earlier. He just said all that to get me back. Now we are married I'm screwed!
I have said to him that he can go and marry her now!
Thanks for your support
Thanks for your support skeeter and I'm happy you have come to some sort of resolution with your DH but unless these men WANT to compromise and consider putting their wives first, it will never happen.
Mine doesn't want to so soon after getting married. It's his way of saying if I don't like it I can fuck off! ( he told me to fuck off yesterday and I haven't seen him since).
So I am " fucking off" as I'm now done!
Awww, stormy....I'm SO
Awww, stormy....I'm SO sorry.....
He shall remain a very lonely man then, because no strong woman will ever put up with being made to feel inconsequential to a spoiled, self-centered brat. What's he gonna do when she grows up and actually gets a life of her own and doesn't feel the need to destroy his any longer ? He's gonna think of you....
He's designed his destiny, sweetheart, and if he REALLY cared, he would have realised that this didn't have to be a matter of him choosing between you and her, but a compromise that made EVERYONE happy.
Keep on fucking off, babes. No one deserves that kind of verbal abuse.
My marriage ended. Over SD22.
My marriage ended. Over SD22. And a myriad of other issues. Mostly because exH had his rammed solidly up his rotten kids' asses. I knew when mini bitch came back to daddy's, our relationship was over. And I was dead right. He was not good to me or my kids. He was a bully towards my son. Who was his easiest target. I hated him for that. My so. Is a good kid with a sweet heart unlike his two arrogant asshole boys. But the girl was a bad influence on him and she did no wrong and he caters to her. Even when she speaks to him like a dog. He takes and says she had her period. Not joking.
He wasn't worth it. I was already living on my own because of his exW and XOSS and have been for a year. There was no repairing it and he was an asshole to me again after begging me not to divorce him. I went thru with it after his last major disrespect of me. His kids are ruining his life. Only a pathetic doormat of a woman would put up with him and his kids treating her like shit.
Don't take crap off them. I could write a book of the mess I went thru and it was less than four years, start to finish.
Thank you very much, my
Thank you very much, my fellow SM's.
I wear the ring, as it does symbolize his love and commitment to me and our relationship, but I will not marry him until it undeniably symbolizes what measures he'll take and with whom, to protect my character and what I represent. Oddly, he knows very well who I am as a woman; someone who doesn't take any shit from anyone, and in the majority of the cases where I have shared a scenario of disrespect by someone else with him, he's my biggest fan and strongest supporter......and he wasn't even there to witness what happened. Yet, he'll sit silently in a room while his own flesh and blood alienates me, or ignores me and carries on ridiculous 'old times' conversations with him, that I couldn't even remotely associate with, and he does nothing to include me himself. He sees nothing wrong with how she carries herself in our home, therefor there's nothing to fix. He's filled with as many excuses as she is, so clearly, the apple does not fall far from the tree. I adore this man, and feel a kind of love with him that I have truly never had before, not even with my ex-husband. In every other aspect of our relationship, we can find compromise, but not when it comes to her. The power she possesses over him is undeniable, and as strong a woman as I am, this is just too much for me, and not even the threat of walking away would be enough to make him change his actions, or address hers.
Totally understand where you
Totally understand where you are coming from who... I feel exactly the same way and know that he won't change now.
Therefore I am choosing me and he can go marry SD21.
I do recall telling my exH
I do recall telling my exH that I realized why I was around. It was illegal for him to have sex with his daughter. LMAO I really did say that to him. I had just had surgery with major complications. Six days in the hospital. He didn't come home from work to be with me and he didn't come see me when I got home. He was mad because I made him "look bad". He didn't tell any of his family. Except precious SD who said she would pray for me. I said well, I had better get my affairs in order. Yep, I said that too. I filed for divorce.
He came back and asked me not to go thru with it. I waited for six months to se him make some kind of effort to fix something. Instead, mini bitch moved in with him (I had my own house) and his attitude went down the toilet. He couldn't ask her to feed the dogs when he wasn't home. Even tho she lived there. He would ask me to because princess was "busy". She left thr poor dog in a kennel. Sitting in it's pee and poop with no water on a day that it was 113 degrees. He got mad at me for getting angry at her. I said I cleaned it up! I had a gut feeling she wouldn't take care of the dog and I was dead right. He got mad at me after that and it was pretty much over.
These men are stupid asses.
I sure hope you took custody
I sure hope you took custody of that dog. Please please please.
Quoting FrenchPeas: "I do
Quoting FrenchPeas: "I do recall telling my exH that I realized why I was around. It was illegal for him to have sex with his daughter."
BOOM!!
My DH ONCE stood up to his
My DH ONCE stood up to his eldest daughter and defended me over her, ONCE, and that was because she gave him the ultimatum "it's her or it's me Dad"
Unfortunately for her, DH & I were totally inlove and he planned to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me (thus her jealous ultimatum I'm sure) and since I had been through a lot at that point and was considering just giving her that wish, DH finally was forced to take a stand
Again unfortunately for SD, DH was not going to give up his life with the woman he wanted to marry because of her jealous temper tantrum so he handled it. And very well. He told her in a very loving way actually that he really hoped one day she would 'come around' and accept our relationship, but if she chose to walk out of his life remember it was her choice not his
She has never forgiven him, and I thought it was great, but he's never really done anything that mature and wife-supporting since sadly!
Disillusioned, I would HOPE
Disillusioned,
I would HOPE that if my fiancé was given the same ultimatum by his daughter, that he would choose the same path that your DH did. I'm SO happy that he made an example of her, and realized that losing you was the last thing he was going to let happen !
I think for now, I'm going to leave well enough alone. He has accused me in the past of starting something with him every 6 weeks or so, but what he fails to realize is that is when the SD decides to rear her ugly head in our lives again. Of course, to him ,there's no correlation. We'll see......
Fortunately for me, although they supposedly have this strong and loving relationship, they have never made it a priority to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas together, so hopefully I won't have to prepare myself for an argument about why she won't be coming here anytime soon.
Will keep you guys posted....and thanks again ladies <3
Hi Who! Your story is
Hi Who! Your story is typical and I have the same issues. SD and I exchanged emails maybe 4 years ago and I also detailed examples of what SD has done to disrespect me and my marriage to DH - her daddy. She basically did the same thing as your SD and made excuses etc.
I truly wish I never sent the email now. She just turned it all around and has used my words and now states that the problems I had with her are the problems she is having with me. Project much!? Typical projection by turning it all back around on me. Sickening.
I don't have much advice except to create firm boundaries with your SD and you do not need your DH's approval for this. These are boundaries YOU need to feel safe, secure and happy.
Good luck.
When dealing with this kind
When dealing with this kind of adult toxic spawn the only anwswer is ......"Yawn!"
Or, go all in with the facts, stick with the facts, and do not let them side step the facts of their toxic behaviors.
Do not engage with the SD.
Do not engage with the SD. She will twist your words and use them against you. Now that you know your DH cannot be trusted to have your back, get rid of the middle man and take charge of defending yourself when you are in your home.
Rude behavior needs to be called out immediately.
Sueu brings up so many good
Sueu brings up so many good points. Making boundaries tells DH what you will and will not allow in your life. It gives him the freedom to choose. I did this very thing - told him he was free to visit SD just about whenever he wanted but she was not allowed in my home until he could inform her she was to respect me as his wife - it was non-negotiable. End of discussion. The responsibility for resolution was placed on his shoulders. I did not have to resort to games.