Need Help, Don't Know How to go About This
So I have been in my step sons life for 3 years. He is 3 years old. Me and his dad started dating while she was still pregnant. They were not together, it was a one night stand, and he had tried to make things work with her for the sake of the baby but she didn't want to have anything to do with it because she was too concerned with not wanting to stop partying like my husband asked. So I have been in my step sons life since he was born. We have had a good and bad off and on relationship with my SS bio mom.
We are currently in a challenging situation and I would like some advice on what to do.
My SS has many behavioral issues, mostly because of the difference in parenting styles between our house and her house. Here he has rules, there he has absolutely none.
Anyway my question is, she has been ordered by the court for 2 years now to provide insurance for him, but she never has. She keeps saying he is on this or that insurance but it's never true. We want him on insurance. Anytime he is sick she is always taking him to the ER because she doesn't want to pay. What can we do?
Also, based on these facts, what are the chances that we could get full custody?
-She lies constantly, pathologically in my opinion
-She feeds him nothing but junk food
-She won't get him insurance
-She is never with him, he is with me everyday while she works 13 hour shifts. I'm not paid and she doesn't bring food.
-She has wrecked 5 cars since we have known her, and he knewest one is currently in the shop
-She drives drunk
- Her 8 year old said he drank a beer at her house that his uncle gave him, she got him in trouble and said nothing to the uncle
-My stepson came over saying that his uncle was going to take him to a titty bar yesterday
-she lets him watch horror films and he is terrified all the time
-her dad calls him a stupid little shit
-Anytime I voice my concerns she looses her shit on me via text
-BUT he doesn't seem to like being here as much as he likes being over there. He is always saying we are mean because we have rules. We do not spank in our house, we use timeout and redirection. She spanks. But he still prefers being over there. He loves us and has fun here a lot but anytime he gets in trouble he starts yelling for her, and he cries for her at night. He tells her that we are mean. (Because we don't allow candy for breakfast, and we won't let him have sweets until after he eats real food. Because we don't allow over PG movies. Because we don't allow screen time all day long. Etc. etc.) Sometimes we feel like he would be happier without us in his life. Other times we come to our senses and KNOW he would be better off here.
What do we do?
So should we just give up
So should we just give up custody rights all together? He doesn't want to be with us anyway. He doesn't like it at our house and it's always drama drama drama drama.
Well, they were never
Well, they were never married. So there was no divorce. My husband tried to do the right thing and be with her, but she didn't want to give up the party life style. Also, I definitely do not think that in all cases the bio mother is the best place be just because she's mom. Nope. She hardly ever sees him, and it's by her own choosing. When she does its at night when he should be sleeping. Other times when he is in her possession she leaves him at her moms while she goes off and parties all night. She drives drunk with him in the car. He has trouble sleeping at night because of the rated r scary movies. He's fucking 3 years old. He has nightmares. I'm sorry but I do not agree that that is better environment than my house. Nope. Sure don't.
Also, you say that it's bad for the kid to be going from house to house, which is one of my points about maybe it being best to give up custody. If all it is doing is tearing him from one place to another and putting him through emotional turmoil then why keep doing it? He never says he misses us over there, he never says he wants to come see us, he doesn't like the rules.
We have spoken to him many many times, everyday, about what we expect as far as behavior goes, and about our rules. We have explained to him why we have those rules, and that its because we love him and want him to be safe and healthy, and that someday he will understand. It doesn't help.
Bringing him to the ER does
Bringing him to the ER does not mean that you do not have to pay. The ER sends bills.
If she's court ordered to provide insurance and has not bring her back to court. You can file pro se if she is in violation of an order.
You do not have to watch him while she works. That is your choice.
You can let her arrange child care for her time.
If you want more custody file for it, but think carefully and be sure it is what you really want.
Yes I know that they send
Yes I know that they send bills but she has absolutely no intention of paying them off. The court order says that she is ORDERED to get him insurance, to provide us with a copy and card, and pay 50% of all visits, Us the other 50%. She has done none of those things. It says in bold that she is in violation if she doesn't and that she will be responsible for 100% of his medical costs. Husband is currently paying for half of his 'insurance' every month with his child support that she doesn't even have for him, and we are paying on his ER bills because we don't want it to effect his credit when he turns 18.
Every time I have told her that I can't watch him she throws a bitch fit saying I don't love him and that she is going to move to *somewhere really far away* where her family is to help her because she can't afford child care.
A.) her family are her brothers and they are ex-convicts who do drugs.
B.) the other person she could have watching him here doesn't put him in a car seat when she goes out with him. (She knows, She doesn't care) I love him to much to watch him be in that situation.
C.) my husband pays her plenty a month to help with childcare. She has a good paying job and has plenty of money to get her hair done every month, her nails done twice a month, and new car 3 times a year, but yet she can't find a sitter? Oh wait, she can't find one that will be ok with her hours. Which I done understand. The place she works opens at 10 and closes at 8, yet she drops him off at 7am and picks him up wayyyy pasts his bedtime at 11 or so.
I just can't.
If the court says she is
If the court says she is responsible for the bills do not pay.
ER bills for a child will not affect the child's future credit rating. A child cannot enter a legal contract and is not responsible for bills.
If you have the bills take them to court when you file.
If you decide to go for custody bring a log of the times you have the child with you. Specific dates and hours are more impressive than we have him most of the time.
Any other opinions, or help?
Any other opinions, or help?
Amen. Some of the people on
Amen. Some of the people on this site make me sick to my stomach
Looks that way!
Looks that way!
I think you need to step back
I think you need to step back and realise a 3 yr old is not capable of making responsible decisions. "I want candy!"
"No, no candy until you finish eating."
"I want my mummy!"
"Mummy isn't coming. You can eat your vegetables or go without. Your choice."
"I hate you!"
"Whether you hate me and Daddy or not will not make the vegetables go away. Your choice."
"I want my mommy!"
"Mummy isn't here. Daddy is here and he says to eat your dinner. Now after dinner you may have 3 pieces of candy or ice cream. While you are eating your dinner you cna think about it."
My grandson is 3 yrs old and NEVER would I take a 3 yr olds word on what happens. Stop taking his opinion too much to heart.
If you want to take care of the child consider this ... the more exposure to you and DH means it will have more influence on him in future. Just go with the flow.
And it would be DH signing over his rights and not the two of you. If he decides to do this he is a poor role model. He had sex with this woman and made a baby. Which is usually how this happens. Sex is for making babies. We have made it into a recreational activity with the outcome of an unplanned pregnancy being a total surprise. Seriously? He had sex, made a baby and now is responsible for that little life.
Personally I would lie low and take the kid whenever she wants to dump him with you. My DD and her then-boyfriend had a baby. Their relationship died (of course) and DD was taken to court because Ex's parents wanted him to have full custody. It ended up with 50/50. That 'baby' is now 8 yrs old and such a delight. But she now spends 95% of her time with her mother and about 2-3 nights a month with her father who only lives about 25 minutes away. And her father suggested my daughter take over full legal and medical and educational custody as he has 2 other children with his now-wife and taking care of an 8 yr old 'is expensive'. When this all takes place I wonder what his mother will do? Have 10 fits to Friday I expect because she is the one who fought for Miss8 at great legal cost.
I bet in about 5 yrs she will leave him with you more and more as she gets older and claims her fast fleeting right to party hard.
This is what we want to do.
This is what we want to do.
I talked to my DH about
I talked to my DH about everything. I told him that if we gave up custody we would be failing him terribly, and that he is only 3 and does not fully understand what he is saying or that what he wants isn't good for him, but that he will someday, and someday he will wonder where his daddy is at.
This whole custody thing is so hard. I don't have proof of anything and I don't know how to get it. I was keeping a notebook everyday with every interaction between us written down, but I stopped (stupid I know) when we started to get along again.
She has also said that she was going to have a person baby sit him that we know is a drug user, and she leaves him with her parents as well and they smoke marijuana. But once again we have no proof.
Do they keep records of wrecks in public records? Would having proof of her 5 wrecks in the past 3 years, all her fault, even matter?
She isn't bringing him to me right now because we are arguing. When he came here saying that his uncle was taking him to a titty bar we talked to her about it and told her that it wasn't cool at all. She said it was adults having a conversation and we said that adults need to know that some conversations need to happen away from children's ear and that it doesn't explain why he was telling us that he was taking him to one. It doesn't make sense. Anyone she lost her shit on us via text basically saying that she will be denying visitation.
Should I say this to her to
Should I say this to her to try to get a confession for proof?
"Is this the same uncle that gave your 8 year old a beer, told him to taste it, and then kicked him for taking it to try to 'teach him a lesson'? You know the one your son was telling us about on July 4th when you told him he was grounded and when I suggested you talk to your brother about not doing that you told me it was no big deal and that he was trying to teach him?"
A 3 year old didn't say it.
A 3 year old didn't say it. His older brother did.
Why in the world would you
Why in the world would you agree to be the default unpaid nanny for 13 hours a day? Don't you have a job or life? At least BM works, do you? Funny that neither DH nor BM are really watching or raising the kid, you are. Who really wants custody here, you or DH?
No judge is going to listen to a bunch of hearsay about something that an 8 yr old kid told you. All the statements listed are borderline ridiculous. So the 3 yr old is going to the titty bar...right. I don't think a judge would change custody in this situation because neither parent is really parenting.
You really stepped in it to date a man who had a pregnant ex gf. What were you thinking?!